So my husband started a job in March (I think?) that requires him to travel a lot, like 50% of the time. I realized that during the time he's not here, I'm overly orderly, to the point of insanity almost. Everything has to be a certain way, the house has to be spotless, we do the same things at the same time, etc. I am even better at cooking healthier meals, not eating out, saving money, things like that. On the flip side, when he's home, I find it harder to be motivated to 'keep things together'. I rest more, I let things go undone. I don't have to do every dish as soon as it is dirtied, I don't have to fold every piece of clothing as soon as the dryer is done. I border on lazy, actually. My motivation dwindles to a debilitating zero.
I simply can't decide what is causing this. I actually like life a little better when he's not (except for the lonely aspect of not having my best friend around,, of course) here because I don't stress as much when my environment is so orderly. I know this sounds so weird, but I was hoping that someone had some insight or suggestions to what might be causing this drastic behavior shift when he's here vs. when he's not here. I don't want to get to the point where I actually prefer him to be gone.
And to give you some background on my husband, in case it helps, he's about the laziest, most unmotivated person I've ever met in my life. He's got a flawless work ethic, and an impeccable job record, but at home, it's hard to get him to do anything without threatening his life (lol). He's a fabulous father and an incredibly caring husband, but when it comes to focusing on responsibilities, he's never found his groove.
I don't want to jump to the conclusion that his lack of motivation rubs off on me when he's here, because I'm responsible for myself, but could that be it? Then why do I feel so capable when he's gone?
Sorry this turned long, this has just been on my mind for a while now. Thoughts?
It's incredible how many of you are dealing with the same exact thing! Guess I'll just relax and enjoy our time together when he's home, and organize life when he's not. Thanks ladies!
My thought is , it keeps you busy and that's why you do it when he's not home.
The busier you are the less you have time to think about him not being there.
Yep, same here. My theory: fewer people in the house = less mess generated and fewer distractions.
I do the same thing. When my husband is at work, I feel the need to work too. When he isn't working, I don't feel like working either.
Well, I'm not sure why this happens, but the *exact* same thing happens to me, too. When my husband isn't around, I run the house like a well oiled machine. Bedtimes are adhered to, laundry is folded and put away, meals are healthy and home-cooked, the list goes on and on. And when my husband is at home, laundry stays in the dryer for a couple of days, we order out much more, bedtimes are a bit later, etc. My theory is that when it's just me, I'M the only adult that can be counted on so I HAVE to be there for my kids. When he's home, there's two of us, so we BOTH get a bit lazy and slack off, expecting the other one to pick up the slack, which we don't. It's weird, but a lot of my friends are the same way. When daddy's away, things are so smooth and organized and when he's home, all bets are off.
So, yeah, you're not alone...
Because when he is not home you are forced to "own" the condition of the home. You are forced to "own" your schedule. You cannot claim he threw you off, he should have helped you, whatever else you can think of.
We all perform better on our own.
When I was a single mom I am pretty sure I could have walked on water, now, well the house is less than perfect. :)
My sister and I have the same conversation -- when our husbands travel, it's actually easier to be better moms. I don't know why -- I could come up with some silly psychobabble -- but really, it just is.
This just could be you way of dealing with him gone. You get hyper-organized to keep yourself busy. Routine helps you not think about him not being home. On the flip side, when he is home you are secure and comfortable, able to enjoy and be a bit "lazy".
Just my take on things.
It's really simple. When he is gone you are in total control and he is not there micromanage, add more work or be in the way, I find my husband constantly throwing off my routine. On the weekends I just let it go knowing that I will be back on track on Monday. As we both have different opinions on how things should be done and I of course feel my way is the best. The kids seem to as well.
Yep having 200 lbs of dead weight in the way, takes a lot of energy from us.. Hee, hee..
When he is in town, everything is revolving around trying to make sure my husbands schedule is being met. When will he be home? When will he be hungry?
I also assume my husband is going to help pick up, clean, deal with the child, help decide on what will happen next, of course this never happens and so his lack of energy, makes me not want to do anything either.
Oh my gosh i could have written this...we moved to be closer to my hubby's work, but he's still 4 hours away for now. He's gone Monday am and back late Friday night. I determined that I and he prefers I spend the little time we get together instead of cleaning or spending a lot of time cooking. I get it all put back the way i like it Monday morning. I eat so much better when he's gone as well...I've started prepping meals or cooking Friday and then weekend meals are done and we are less apt to eat out. Oh my husband is self employed and works harder than anyone i know...but when he's home, he just wants to nap and watch movies haha
Tonight I had dinner served and the kitchen cleaned, the kids homework done and backpacks put away, I had the second load of laundry done, and then realized it was 630 and my husband wasn't home yet. That's not TOO late, but the weather in the DC region was bad this afternoon and I was worried so I called him. He was pulling in the driveway/ That was it.
Maybe it was my thought that it was his turn to do the kids/house, or maybe I felt like I had done enough? Not sure...but I finished the laundry, uploaded some pictures from the weekend, and am relaxing. (Just to note I also work full-time and am in a challenging training class all week.)
I think Jo has it right...when we are alone we take control of things versus when others are around.
I can totally relate. I think (at least for me) it has a lot to do with staying busy while he's gone. You do more to keep your mind off of the fact that he's not there. When he IS home, you let more slide because you might rather just sit next to him, even if neither of you is doing anything. That's what I've noticed about myself. Could the same be true for you?
Schemas.
As in the scripts and roles that we fall into around certain people or groups of people.
Ever notice how you change when you're around your parents? Or around coworkers? Or in church? Or around your best friend? Or, or, or, or? This can be particularly easy to see with families ESPECIALLY if you've changed 'roles' a lot since you were a kid... then go home and not only does everyone treat you as if you HAVEN'T changed, but one often finds themselves acting the same way, as well.
We all have roles in our lives. Daughter, Mother, Wife, Rockstar... and we act differently (most of us) depending on what role we're currently fulfilling.
Sounds like you've gotten into a pattern of habits / have a 'schema' that you fulfill when you're around your husband. It made sense / made you happy at one point... but now you're feeling constrained by it. This is one of those things that becomes VERY easy to blame the other person, over... when really... it's ourselves that (usually) "just" need to change some habits. (Hard. Hard. Hard.)
Be forewarned... there's usually resistance from the other people in our lives. JUST like we get used to ourselves being a certain way, so do they. When we start changing how we are, that often makes others unconsciously 'push back'... because familiar is comfy. The 'new' will get comfy, though, as well. It's not like people are TRYING to keep us from being better... it really is just a comfy-thing, and it's usually subconscious. As soon as 'new' becomes familiar one of two things happen:
1) They encourage the new (because it's comfy)
2) They actually don't SEE anything as having changed.
((A classic example of this is my friend "Sarah"... who started exercising 8 times a week and dropped over 50 pounds. Despite the fact that she was running 5 miles a day EVERY day for over a year... when she signed up for a 5k run, her husband wigged out. Convinced she'd never be able to do it / it would crush her / etc. Brian. Dude. She's been running longer than that every day for a year. But it just didn't 'click' in his mind that she was running. It took him YEARS for him to see his wife as a 'runner'. By the time that finally clicked... she'd not only run that 5k, but a whole bunch of half marathons and TWO real marathons. Until then, when notices about running events at work came out, he never shared them... because no one in his family ran. Whenever there was a race, he was always floored that she was entering, etc. It. Just. Didn't. Click. Not because he didn't support her running... but becuase his mind just didn't "see" his wife as a runner.))
hmm projecting a bit here, but when i am holdind down the fort ... he isn't getting in my way. I can manage to get dinner on the table just fine nights he isn't here, but when he is here, he is underfoot micromanaging:) aka helping, he suggests sidedishes at the last minute that aren't something easy like the frozen peas i was gonna pull out. I'm not distracted feeling like i should be talking to him etc.
So maybe it's because you are able to do what you want, when you want and know it will more or less stay that way.
I"m sooooo torn right now, because my kids are noticing that daddy is gonemore football season and they miss him, but I dont want to nag him to choose to be with us, and also it's easier when he isn't here. but then i worry when the kids are married and gone, will i want him home then? or will it be too late. I think too much.
enjoy your clean house when you can and enjoy your hubby when you can.
I'm the same way! I believe it's because, when he's home, he's usually decompressing from something and it's so hard for me to get motivated to clean something when I know he's upstairs playing a video game. Damnit, I want to play too! So I look at the stuff that needs to be done and just, put it off.
In addition when he's gone you don't have to worry about his input. His opinions about things. With your kids, it's easy to announce "we're having spaghetti for dinner!" They can whine all they want, but spaghetti it is. When husband is around, if he whines, it becomes a discussion and that can be exhausting and overwhelming when everything must be negotiated and compromised.
Between not wanting to do chores when your significant other is relaxing in the same house you're attempting to scrub, and feeling overwhelmed at having another opinion in the house (that can negate your own at times), most of the time it's easier to just throw your hands up in the air and go into a sort of holding pattern until he leaves, so you can start firing on all cylinders again.
I try and fight against this general feeling of lethergy when my husband is home, and one way I combat it is to ask him to do one little thing to help me to kick start myself. If I'm going to scrub the bathrooms down, I ask him to take everything off the counter for me. Then I spend the rest of the time scrubbing and wiping and cleaning till the place sparkles. Then I bug him again to put everything back up on the counter and so he still gets to play his game, or watch his show, with minimal interruption and I still feel like I'm not all alone with the mess.
Laundry, I'll have him empty the dryer and drop the clothes in a pile in the bedroom. I will have sorted it, loaded it into the washer, filled the appropriate areas of the detergent drawer with the correct levels of soap and stuff, but just the thought that he'll be unloading it motivates me to DO IT.
Etc etc.... Just a tiny little effort on his part, showing that he's not just leaving the whole mess to me, even though I'm doing the lion share, does wonders for my motivation. It's just a little mental mind game but it's been working for me for years. Just thought I'd share it.
I pretty much do the same. I like getting everything done and organized so
I can then sit and relax. It is nice being able to sit and maybe read a book,
or watch a movie or just veg when the house is clean and organized. Guess I feel complete, if that makes sense.
Interesting question. I know that the nights my husband works late or is at a class, dinner is on the table by 6:30, the kitchen is cleaned up by 7, we read books, do showers, pay games and everyone is in bed before 9 and by 9, I am settled on the couch with a cup of tea and a book or TV or my computer. On nights that we're both home, things are not done on time or at all. Dinner is late, I'm cleaning the kitchen at 10 PM, yelling at the kids to get to sleep at 9:30, etc. When just he is home, it's the inmates running the show.
wow you sound just like me....in fact i love monday mornings. i can get the house back in order and get laundry all done. dishes in the dishes washer. but come to the weekend forget everything!!!!!
I'm the same way. My husband travels around New England probably every week out of the month. When he is gone, I am super focused on keeping house clean, and stay busy. When he is home, I rarely want to do anything. For me, It's because he IS home. I don't have to worry about him, or miss him. I can relax.
Ditto to all those posts here. I think we are just more organized n efficient when we work alone with the exception of our kids distractions but still able to aim n accomplish ;)
My husband is home every night, but I do the same as you. The weekends are my lazy time. I hardly clean and just relax. I don't see anything wrong with it. He's home, so he can help out.
Maybe you share that flawless work ethic and impeccable job record, and when he's around you see that as your 'down time'? You're both doing great work and like to kick back when you're around each other. Enjoy it! Let me guess...he's away right now, right? So you have time to over think this? lol
When it's just you, maybe you are so orderly because you HAVE to be. You have to run a tight ship, because nobody's got your back and can help you run around looking for lost keys etc?
Just a thought...
PS - kudos to you for being so organized.
I agree with Dana T.
He is your reason to relax.
Wow, did we marry the same guy? LOL. It's the same in my household. My husband's job takes him out of the house for months sometimes. While he is gone, the house is cleaner and stays cleaner, the kids listen way better, and everything is more orderly. When he's home though, the thing that we do that helps us stay better connected is that we take a daily walk together. For some reason, after we get home from our walk, everything is better.
could you subconsciously be feeling like well hes home now and hes not doing anything so why should i? i mean when its just you home either you have to do it or it wont get done. When hes home you have an extra set of hands to help with things like that that arent actually helping.
