Does My Son Need Therapy?

If your punishment choices aren't working, maybe the punishments are part of the problem. They certainly aren't the solution. We like to focus on consequences more than on punishment with our kids. I know it sounds like semantics, but there is a difference. For example, if my 4 year old is rude to me because I mistakenly get her the paint set when she wanted the markers instead, then I tell her to find something else to play with and maybe she can have her crafts tomorrow if she remembers to ask politely. Or if my two year throws his train car, I take it away and tell him he can have it later when he can act nicely. If either of my 4 year old yells/cries out of anger, then I tell her she needs to go to her room and close the door until she can calm down (with an apology to follow). These techniques have been very successful at our house.

I am concerned about two of the words you used -- "control" and "spanking". We aren't supposed to control our children. We are supposed to teach them/give the tools to control themselves so they can do it for themselves later in life when we aren't around. Because, controlling leads to rebellion. Spanking doesn't work for the same reason and also because it teaches aggressive behavior. I am not at all saying to be a pushover or not to discipline your child, though. That wouldn't work either. Just maybe consider different forms of discipline.

If that doesn't work, then I would suggest therapy. I know many children who were adopted do struggle with attachment and discipline (but usually it's those who were adopted at older ages). (We adopted our daughter so I read up on all that information just in case.) Did your son exhibit problems all along or did they recently start? If they just started, it seems it wouldn't be related to the drugs/alcohol that his biological mother used.

It might be something to look into but he might also think that you are trying to push him off on someone. I hope I'm not coming across as rude but you need to lay some HOUSE RULES out. stick to the timeout and if you make sure you tell him that your the mom/dad and you make the rule and not him he will hopefully start coming around. I have found that spanking makes things 10 times worse so you might want to consider not doing this anymore since he does possibly have anger issues.

Hi D.,

I did not read the other responses, but I wanted to lend some support on the question you asked. Kids with possible inutero drug and alcohol exposure should have full neurological and developmental, educational and psychiatric evaluations with the kind of issues you describe. When traditional discipline that is consistently applied is unsuccessful, then you should find out what the barrier is, and determine the effects and a treatment plan, which will probably include counseling (more probable is play therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy.) You should start with the evaluation process and move on to the treatment taxis most appropriate and selected because of all the information that you can gather.

Sorry you got slammed. I hope you will call a neurological and a developmental pediatrician and make appointments for your son.

M.

There is a good possibility that the drugs and alcohol his mother was on caused some significant damage. My friend fostered children that were born addicted... and as they grew up they had some very violent behaviors and very stubborn ways. Seeing a specialist would be a good idea... or just talking with someone who has been through the experience and has come up with ways that work...
You might have to re-vamp your whole punishment theory! But good luck

I think that you could all benefit from family therapy. I also agree with the previous response that you should start with a really good evaluation from your pediatrician and if he goes to daycare or pre-school, get some input from his teachers regarding his behavior - knowing whether or not his behavior is a problem everywhere with everyone or just at home will be helpful to whoever you work with. Assuming that you can rule out medical issues, you then need focus on discipline techniques that repect his temperament. If I were you, I would look for a therapist who is familiar with the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" and the Positive Discipline techniques and read those books yourselves.

As you can see clearly, timeouts and spanking do not work, especially with kids of a certain temperament. My oldest son was a very, very tough little boy - the kind who would never, ever stay in time out so I would place him in his room for time out, hold the door shut, and he would then proceed to destroy his room. Crazy, right? I spanked him once and it was awful - it took a lot more than one gentle swat to get through to him I really had to whack him hard on his bottom and then he stopped and curled up and sobbed in my arms until he fell asleep. It was my lowest point as a parent - we don't need to hurt our children to get them to behave! So stop doing what isn't working! Once I understood his temperament (the Spirited Child book) I was able to respond to him in a way that respected how he is wired and diffuse situations that previously would spiral into long, drawn-out disasters.

You wrote that "If we can't control him at 4 what will it be like at 14?" and I had the same thought many years ago (he's now 12 and wonderful). Here's the thing - discipline ISN'T about CONTROL. You can't control him, ever. The point of discipline is to teach a child how to control HIMSELF. The Positive Discipline books explain how to achieve this without spanking, timeout, and other "punishments." There are several different books - get the original because it explains everything really well, and the others make good "quick reference" books after you really understand the whole philosophy.

Believe me, you can have the peaceful home that you dreamed of and a wonderful, close relationship with your son even if he is a challenge. I know that I am a much better parent today because my oldest was such a challenge as a pre-schooler. You and your husband can be the great parents that he needs you to be!

Wow! All I had to do was see the what happened to know you still need help then I just shook my head as I read responses. I am sorry that this community who is supposed to be a safe place to ask questions and seek support form has treated you so harshly.

Yes if you don't curb the behavior now you will have your hands more then full in just a blink of an eye. Yes counseling and perhaps play therapy could be very helpful. Look up information on attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder.

Obviously what you are doing isn't working so try something else. Something that has helped us tremendously is the logic that everything outside of nourishment, clothing and warm safe place to sleep is a privilege and you are subject to loose or earn privileges. If you want privileges you act accordingly. While implementing this everyone needs to be on the same page so make a chart one with Velcro is handy so that you can add and remove privileges as they are earned or lost. This can be done for all of your children to not just him. The other thing that has worked well for us it to have set consequences and rewards. Doing this will give/get you x. Make it clear that the choice is his. Once everything is clearly established stop talking about it. You did x you knew it would get you x, that is the end of it.

Good luck you are trying you best. Keep it up! :)

To me, it sounds like typical 4 year old behavior. Please read the book Smart Discipline by Larry Koenig. The book is enjoyable and very easy to read. It completely changed how we approach discipline in our family. Once we implemented the strategy outlined in the book, we saw definite improvements in the behavior of my two children. Truly lifesaving for our family! Good luck!

Also. check out their website for tons of more information! The website sells the entire program (dvds, workbooks etc.) online, but I was able to check the book out of the library, attend a free seminar locally and print the charts off of their website.

smartdiscipline.org
smartdiscipline.com

Listen to what Amanda C. is saying. She wrote it better than I could!

Ditto Amanda C. Well written.