Does Anyone Feel like a Monster Invaded Their Child When They Turned 13? - Norwood,MA

I can tell you that you are NOT alone! !I just posted about my son!!
We are seeing a psychologist!!
BIG FAT HUGS!

We went through a phase with one of ours. In our case, it was peer pressure. Learning to say no and to go back to being pals with the kids you could be yourself with. Counselling helped - individual counselling.

We separated the kids in school and had the school's support. We also said no to hanging out outside of school. We did it in his best interests. We said you're both good kids, just not a good mix.

I didn't punish mine so much as we talked about how he felt about his behavior. I'm all about respect - for us, for themselves. We said he was letting himself down and he deserved better. We encouraged him to spend time with the kids who were a positive influence.

Outside activities and friends outside of school are helpful. Is he involved in sports or activities?

I saw the therapist a few times too - realizing I was not to blame for this, let the stress go. It was a phase, it will pass. My stress was stressing my kid out.

ETA: regarding drug testing, you can do that at home. I told my oldest son (and step-daughter, who lived with us as a teen) that if they gave me reason to suspect a problem, or maybe no reason at all, I would randomly test them. I found a lighter under my son's pillow on his 14th birthday. Off we went to CVS for a kit, which luckily came back clean. The knowledge that a test could come at any time was a good deterrent for him when he needed one.

Original:
Sorry this is going to be really long as I live in the world of adolescent boys (mine are 11, 13 and 19). I'm also a single mom at this point but my younger sons' dad is involved with them. I post a lot about my middle son, who just turned 13. We had quite a year with him last year, where a lot of things just seemed to come to a head with him with behavioral issues at school and at home. We're in a much better place now than we were 6 months ago but it's a long way from now to adulthood so I suspect he'll continue to take a ton of work.

What recently worked for us was a three-pronged approach. First, I had a full neuropsych eval done so that I knew what we were working with. This son had a long history or borderline behavioral problems though so if yours has always been fairly compliant, did well in school, etc, and your therapist hasn't suggested testing you may not need to do this. Anyway...he was diagnosed with ADHD, which had been masked/minimized in school due to higher than average aptitude. Medication and an accommodation plan at school helped address the issues that were related to this issue and made it possible for the next steps to work.

Second, he started bi-weekly counseling sessions. I went to a couple in the beginning and will pop in once every 6-8 weeks if there is something that I want to address, but for the most part, this is his relationship with a trusted listener who can give him appropriate feedback on his attitude and behavior.

Third, at the suggestion of the counselor, we were able to break three huge bad habits by setting up an incentive for him to earn. He wanted to go to hockey tournament last December that was an investment of time, money and travel. To earn the trip, he had to turn around his grades, play 80% of his hockey games cleanly (he liked to get penalties), and be kind to his younger brother and generally behave at home 80% of the time (he basically got an X or a check mark for each day for over a month). If he met those criteria, the trip was on. If he didn't, he had to pay me back the deposit from his own bank account so that I wasn't out money for a trip he didn't take. This was enough of a motivator for him that he really, really worked on those areas and he did earn that trip and was incredibly grateful to go. More importantly, behaving in a new way for a month gave him time to break those old habits and enjoy the fruits of his new habits. He was suddenly getting positive attention for good grades from me, his teachers, and his peers ("dude, when did you get smart?"). Plus positive attention from his coaches and teammates because once he stopped playing the enforcer role in hockey and started playing with skill, he was a much stronger player and contributor to the team. He was getting praise for making plays instead of notoriety for trips to the box. And at home, he suddenly enjoyed not being refereed and corrected and sent to his room repeatedly. He could play a game in peace because he didn't pick a fight with his brother or say something awful to him, and could enjoy a meal because he wasn't sent from the table for being mean.

I get the phones and sneakers because they are huge currency for 13 year old boys but you have to have the discipline to make him earn those privileges over a prolonged period - taking away for a day or a week at a time doesn't do it. After my son's tournament and the holidays, things started to go off the rails a bit again in January. He was begging me to be able to use some money that he had gotten for the holidays to buy some absurdly expensive sneakers that he's just going to grow out of. Again...it became an incentive. I didn't need a month this time, but did make him prove that he could get back on track and stay there for a few weeks before I went ahead and placed the order for him. On one hand, I hate having to constantly incentivize him for meeting what I think are baseline expectations. But as this counselor said, he needs something tangible to work towards to overpower his habits and his own inclinations. Over time, with habit and maturity he'll either internalize the new attitude and behavior long term and become that inherently decent person or be someone who needs to set up incentives for himself as an adult (or learn the hard way, like his dad). In the meantime, regardless of the long-term outcome, we have a more peaceful home and a kid who is getting positive attention, using things like phones and sneakers and hockey tournaments that we would probably be providing anyway.

I went to a talk last night given by Rosalind Wisemen, the author of Queen Bees & Wannabes as well as Masterminds & Wing Men. Get that second book, it is an excellent look at adolescent boys. Her blog is called "culturesofdignity" and it has a lot of thoughtful articles and info. The talk reminded me of how good her book is and I'll be delving back into it this weekend. It really gives great insight into the social hierarchy and behaviors of teenage boys and might be a huge help to you.

As a few posts below mention, it's not just a silly saying that people need to "work on themselves before they can expect others to befriend them", "be the type of friend you would want to have", etc. Your son needs to work on improving his own behaviors before the "good kids" will really want to spend time with him. They can't really be expected to see the "good heart" inside an outwardly lying/stealing/eye-rolling boy. Start by signing him up for some organized activities that will take up some of his free time and will introduce him to new groups of people.

I am not in favor of the sugestions below for random drug testing, because I think it teaches the child to associate doctors' visits with unexpected invasive procedures and could have the negative effect of a child avoiding even necessary medical treatment (not telling you when something is wrong and he needs to see a doctor - especially a concern as he approaches the teen years of possible sexual activity).

Sorry you are going through this.

How long have you been in therapy? What have you learned in therapy so far?

How involved is his father?

Is your child being tested for drugs?
If not I would recommend it. If your therapist can't do it, then your physician can. Just call and make an appointment for a drug screen. Don't tell son until that day, and but just tell him it's a regular doctor's appointment.

Good luck

Some of this is so typical. And it's much harder when you are a single parent.

What stands out in your post is that you have a 13 year old who, for a year, has been a problem, and that you have:
1) "tried" taking his phone. Does that mean you gave it back? Why?
2) "tried" taking his sneakers. Why? Is there something special about them? Wouldn't sneakers help him engage in sports?
3) "tried" grounding him. Why did you stop?

How soon are these punishments after the offenses? Are they proportional? You have therapy for 2 hours twice a week sometimes, and sometimes 1/2 hour? That seems inconsistent, but 2 hours at a clip seems incredibly long. I'm surprised that long sessions are viewed as keeping the child focused. Do you need a new therapist and therapeutic approach? Does your son need something stronger, like a more structured and restrictive setting (whether it's "boot camp" or a locked unit)?

How can you get him to find new friends? You stop the interactions with the friends who are problems, but I assume you aren't putting the blame on them and you are keeping the focus on your son. But someone who acts as he does, lying and stealing and eye-rolling with disdain, is not going to be welcomed by the kinds of kids you approve of. What has to happen is the behavior needs to change, at the same time as you find entirely new associations. But the behavior changes first. So far, he's getting too many rewards or payoffs or at least a lack of consequences for his choices.

I'm not sure what you mean by a "stable home" - something's not in balance here. I don't know whether your son needs medication, a new therapist, a new setting, or greater consequences.

We were very fortunate to have an extremely active and huge youth group at our church. That has been an enormous help. I agree with the advice below to have him drug tested. Junior high is so hard. One of my sons had to be sent to a wilderness camp for troubled youth during that time. If I had it to do over again, I would have homeschooled that one.

Does he have a father he can spend time with? Boys often need a male role model at that age. If there's no dad, maybe some other mentor, like Big Brothers.

Kids often change at 13. Rolling his eyes isn't a big deal, but stealing and lying are. Make sure you are very consistent with your consequences. You might need to consider changing schools if he's gotten in with some bad influences.

I guess we've been very lucky - our son has always been a bit more civilized than many of his peers.

You control the peer group by largely taking control of his time.
Sign him up for taekwondo after school 5 days a week (and go on weekends too) so he has no time to hang out with any bad influences.

I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he has hit adolescence. He is trying to figure things out and has been accepted in a less than desirable crowd.

You might think about a mentor since you're a single mom. That age looks up to high school guys a lot. Do you have a decent neighborhood guy around? With summer around the corner it might be helpful to have an older male hang out with him 3-4 afternoons a week.

Is there a male teacher at the school you can talk to. Sometimes the young person has a low self esteem so they pick people who won't expect much from them.

One thing I've told both my kids early on is if I ever feel like they're headed for trouble and what I do is ineffective, I will find someone or something that will put them back on track.

I think when you're taking things away (and I would certainly punish for those transgressions) you're treating the symptom, not the cause. I agree with the others to keep him busy with after school activities. I would encourage something physical like weight lifting or martial arts.

You might let him know you're concerned for him and wondering if a wilderness camp might be a consideration since he's on a self determined path of destructive behavior. I'd pick up brochures to such camps and have them out where he can see them. Not as a threat, but to demonstrate you're serious about his change in behavior and care too much to allow him to continue.

I'd also consider changing counselors if the one you're seeing seems ineffective.