What Do I Do About a 12-Year Old Boy Lying to Me? and Stealing Our Change?

From reading your SWH: I would try a child psychiatrist again but get someone who is a female and who specializes in teens. If your son tends to butt heads with males (my son is very similar...very headstrong) then a male therapist was not the right choice. My son's therapist works with him on making the right choices...that he is old enough to take responsibility for certain things and she has him come up with his own plan for doing things. She also works with him on how to not have huge outbursts, to not get so angry/upset and the right way to handle things in life when they are not going his way. He has learned so much from her and he is very bonded with her...they are good friends and he thinks she's cool. If the mess is candy wrappers, etc....how about having him do a nightly trash pick up before bed? My son does his nightly pick up when I tell him it's bedtime because cups, wrappers, plates pile up. It really sounds like you and he (and grandpa) are not very close. I would work on that first and foremost. He has to know that you like him as a person. Does he make you laugh? Does he amaze you with is ability to xxx on his favorite video game? Can you read a book he thinks is cool? Is his ability to keep a beat and his passion for music awesome (or sports, or drawing, or ???). My son's therapist also taught me not to take his bad behavior personally. To let go. To not worry so much. It was hard for me but my son and I enjoy each other so much more now. We are not arguing all the time. A good friend also has suggested a family therapist...so you all take turns meeting with this person. That might help you too. Just something to consider.

My mom gave up with my brother's room and just kept the door closed. She was very surprised the first time she visited him in college and he kept his room neat and clean! He was a total slob growing up, but completely changed once he moved out and took responsibility for himself! I personally would not want to have a constant battle and would just have a "clean up day" every now and then where you motivate him to clean his room with the promise of getting to do something he really wants to do that day (get on the computer with friends, invite a friend over, go to friend's house). As for the lying and taking change...I'm no child therapist but is his living with you new? Has his life been disrupted? It's hard to be 12. I'd let him know that this is disappointing and that you expect better from him because you know he can do better. But then I would drop it and not harp on it. Does he take change because he needs money for specific things? Can he earn an allowance at home or start a job doing things like dog walking, car washing, etc? I would work on bonding with him. Listen to him. Let him share his favorite music or video game with you...have him teach you how to play some video games. Ask him about what he is interested in. Show interest! Go do things that he thinks are cool. Don't give him the opportunity to lie. If he keeps doing it perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist about it. Therapy has been very helpful for our son.

Have you ever taken this boy to a therapist?
Someone that can set goals and help him formulate a plan (someone that's not you guys)?
First Saturday of every month is room cleaning day. If he doesn't want to spend his first Saturday doing that? He'll learn to clean it up as he goes along.
What does he need change for? Vending at school or something? A couple chores and a small allowance might stop that.
Get a big jar bank for change and superglue the lid on.

Does he happen to have any disabilities of his own? I ask because our 12-year-old son has ADHD and he lies every single day about homework. "I don't have any." He's not forgetting 90% of the time; he's just plain lying. Well, his teachers all have websites, so I'm able to prove that false every time and then the battle begins to get him to care about doing it. Thankfully, he hasn't been stealing yet.

As far as the mess, you've tried being nice. At this point, I'd do what our son's behavioral therapist recommends for extreme situations: Be extreme in return. He doesn't clean his room, he gets no privileges. No TV, video games, time with friends, whatever his motivators are, bundle them into a package deal. No cleaning = none of them.

When it comes to cleaning rooms, as a messy room gal when I was younger, I have some tips. Don't expect them to do it all at one time and all by themselves. He's probably very overwhelmed by the big mess. Whenever I have a large mess in my home, even to this day, I get very overwhelmed by it and have no idea how to get started. It's a block in my thinking. BUT, if I break it down into steps, I can process it nicely. Then once it's clean, I can keep it up with daily routines. You have to teach him how to set up these routines. I wish someone had done this for me when I was young. I was just told to "clean my room".

I would set up a time when you are both feeling positive and work on one thing for 15 in. Maybe it's getting all the food and drinks to the kitchen. Then the next day, spend 15 min. putting clothes in the hamper or putting them away. Really break it down and realize he's probably having a little trouble processing HOW to do this. Don't harp on him about it. Just be positive and work with him. If he refuses to help, keep going for the 15 min. without nagging him. Soon, he'll realize that 15 min is fast and he'll start helping. Honestly, this is the kind of kid who need positive energy and you'll see some very quick changes in his personality. Stop accusing him of being "bad" and he'll stop feeling like he's a bad kid. Praise anything good you see, or any hard work you see on his part. Praise often. Ignore the bad stuff. Keep working on his room with him and when it is clean, set up a daily routine where he makes his bed each morning, cleans his floor each night, etc. If he is still refusing to help do this, I'd stick with the positive vibes and do it with him lovingly. I found that my daughter started keeping her room clean each day when it was easier to clean and after she realized we had to clean it each night anyway...so it was just easier for her to do it herself. I don't expect perfection. She has clutter, but I'm fine with the floor clean and bed made. One other thing, no food in the room. We don't allow food upstairs, but in your case I'd explain that you would like to try to keep food in the kitchen aside from water. Food in the bedroom is messy and smelly if they don't take care of it. We blame our rule on ants and you can do that too. Sorry, we have a new rule, because we don't want bugs in your room...

With the stealing, I'd talk to him about it. Does he not feel like he has control over some money of his own? He's at the age where he can do jobs around the house for money or get an automatic allowance. He should feel in charge of his own money and save it for what he wants. Anyway, to me it sounds like this boy needs a little more instruction about how to do things, with a positive, supportive role model teaching him.

More info would help, such as how long he's been living with you and whether there are stress factors related to his bio parent(s) that are a factor in acting out.

That said, a lot of kids this age test boundaries with authority figures (parents, grandparents, teachers, etc.). Stealing change isn't likely to be as much about the money as it is about annoying you and trying to get a reaction.

If he has lived with you for a long time, then this may be normal teen rebellion. If his living with you is new or newish, it could be a reaction to loss. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you - just that he knows this is not a "normal" arrangement. Lying can also be typical - but of course that doesn't mean it's okay.

You have 2 tasks:
1) Find out why he's doing it, what he hopes to accomplish, and address those issues with him (perhaps with a counselor who specializes in adolescents)
2) Set up a structure of rewards/privileges that come to all responsible family members, and learn what it is that he wants/values. For example, he needs rides to places, permission to go to the movies or the mall with friends, stay over at a friend's house, he wants his favorite snacks, he wants computer or TV time, right? So, those are privileges that are given to trustworthy tweens and teens that are not available to children who don't follow the rules. You want to set up a system not where he has to toe the line to earn everything (which sets him up to feel super-deprived and martyr-like), but where he is given a certain leeway and then loses it when he doesn't act mature enough to keep them.

You can/should give him a certain amount of autonomy in his room - maybe it doesn't have to be perfect enough for the photographer from "House Beautiful" but there have to be certain standards of cleanliness (no food wrappers or leftovers, no wet towels on wood furniture or carpets contributing to mildew, etc.). Otherwise, he can close (not lock) the door. What's disastrous about the mess otherwise? He can't find any clean laundry? Oh well, that's his problem. Teach him to do his own laundry whenever he runs out, but you aren't responsible for cleaning or folding what he leaves lying around. If he's tossing clean stuff on the floor and expecting you to wash/fold/iron, forget it. And if he doesn't take care of his own home, he can't be trusted in others' homes and with their furniture, dishes, TVs etc.

Lying can't be tolerated - he needs to tell you where he is, show up when he's supposed to, and have a certain level of manners. Otherwise he doesn't go off on his own to the mall, and he can't go to other kids' houses if you have to worry that he's going to be deceitful or disrespectful to their parents, or if he's going to steal their money. When he's old enough to know the difference between truth and fiction, he can have privileges restored.

Does he have a cell phone? A computer? A video game system? Then those are taken away if he doesn't show honesty and basic respect for what someone else is paying for.

Is he lying about doing homework or projects? Then let him handle that directly with the teacher (and give the teacher a head's up that you're expecting him to speak with him/her). If he has to do make-up work or stay for extra help, fine. That's on him. That's the consequence. If he's going to get bad grades or fail a grade, now's the time to deal with that or nip that in the bud.

So he can choose a certain number of his own actions, and just endure the consequences. If he does A, B and C, he gets to do lots of fun stuff. If he doesn't, or if he engages in off-limits activities or actions X, Y and Z, he loses out. It's his choice.

Again, it would help if there was more info - please feel free to write "ETA" (Edited To Add) at the end of your post, and put in new info. Don't delete what you've already written, just add to it. You don't have to share more than you're comfortable with, but it really would help you get more specific answers.