14 Yr Old Son Out of Control

Why do you think that he doesn't want to be there? We tend to hold in high regard the people who respect and appreciate us. Why do you think that he feels unrespected and unappreciated by his closest family?

I am not familiar with styles of boys ranches on the east coast but in this area we have many places that take the kids, live out in the wilderness, live in a facility where they have to earn even things like being allowed to sit in a chair instead of the floor. They take the kids and show them what life could be like if they don't straighten out. When the kids come home they are usually truly changed.

There is also an inpatient option. I would NOT rule anything out at this point. He sounds like a budding sociopath, no concern for others feelings at all, self centered, and more. He needs massive help according to what you've written.

Oh Wow, where to start.
First, yes, I had some hard times with my son - mainly disrespect and failure to follow household rules...not drugs.

Okay here it goes -
- don't meet him halfway - he is the child - you are the parent - meeting him halfway is what gave him the idea that he had an equal voice in house rules.

- he is telling you that you are not his mother as a way to hurt you and as a power play. Your telling him that you are all in counseling so you "could learn how to get along" is bogus. You should be in counseling to learn how to control your teenager, he should be in counseling to help get his head screwed on straight.

- where is his father in all this and what does he say?

- do you drug test the boy? since he has a history of drugs.

- are you working with the school?

Anyhoo, these problems don't happen overnight and will not get fixed overnight. If the boy is serious about wanting to move out - make a pact with him - he abides by the house rules and the laws and you will emancipate him when he turns 16. Sometimes, offering them what they want scares the hell out them.

Good luck

- what are the consequences when he does drugs, smokes, dips, disrespects you and his teachers? I see nothing in your post about consequences - set some in place - he has electronics? a phone? a computer? take them away today... not for a week - but for good.

- you can't afford boarding school - that is a good thing - he wouldn't appreciate it. Instead look into your local boot camp programs - your local police department can help you. Get lots of brochures, give them to him along with the date he starts there....explain that is his option if he does not want to live at home and follow the rules he can go live there.

Look for something called The Parent Project. It was recommended to us by our son's therapist due to his ODD. Parent Project is typically offered through the police department. Ours didn't have one for younger kids, but your son is old enough, I think, for a regular Parent Project program. It's designed to help parents dealing with extremely difficult kids like yours.

You might also look into Love & Logic classes. Those also cover dealing with challenging kids.

Good luck!

I had a student JUST like this a few years ago. He had it good, 2 nice parents, nice house, good school etc. No hardship or struggles or any reason whatsoever for behaving like a rebellious little sh*t. He started experimenting with drugs, staying out all night, failing classes on purpose... summer between 7th and 8th grade, parents sent him away to mom's family in Mexico. And I mean Rural Mexico- like a chicken farm or something. No cell phone, no internet, no where fun to go. No friends, just hard work all day. He stayed months, he even started the school year late. That boy came back reformed. I mean he never knew how plush his life was. He was able to conform to a few minor rules like curfew once he had a little bit of perspective...

He's in 11th grade now and he is not perfect but he has maintained C's and above and keeps his nose clean ever since. Still hangs with the wrong crowd but lays real low at school. Your son needs a little perspective, a change of pace, a reality check. Anywhere like that you can send him?

Like Shannon R, I also had a student whose parents appealed to out of the country relatives to take their out of control teen. By the time he came back to enter 11th grade, he was dramatically different. Maintained a B average. Learned to be part of a community not just do whatever he wanted at the moment. Not everyone has relatives abroad though.
If you husband is firmer than you, I suggest that you have your husband take charge of him completely. Do not intervene. Do not argue with him or listen to his appeals. He doesn't respect you.
Request that the school transfer him to all male teachers. There were 6 students at my school this year with all male teachers because they made poor choices last year. All are currently passing and have no disciplinary reports.
Contact his teachers every single week for a report on grades and behavior.
Have the school revoke all privileges (off campus lunch, weight room, etc.)
Remove all privileges. No electronics. No special snacks or drinks, just wholesome foods. A bedroom door is a privilege. He can dress in the bathroom.
Have a security system installed on your door so that he can't get back in without you knowing.
Drug test randomly for 3 months then every 30 days without fail. You can get them over the counter at major pharmacies.
Send away for the brochures for military school even if you can't afford it. Display these prominently.

I would set up things as if you were his landlord since he no longer wants you to be his mother. He's in such and all fire hurry to have "freedom" give it to him. All services MUST be paid for, laundry, food, housing, entertainment. This is the way of the adult world. Set up a job board, post jobs on it with appropriate payment offered for job done. When he takes a job, you are no longer his Landlord, but his boss. As his boss he can be fired and have his wages reduced according to his job performance.

Might be worth a try.

You know what I went through this And you know what else? Just keep saying no.He didn't actully leave right? He is threatening it and you can threaten him back. Threaten him with spending more time with you, threaten him with not having (ok, have a hunch here, no more phone internet, etc./) remind him outside there aren't alot of people who won't pay for fourteen year old boys much less their lunch if you don't give him those things.And I'm sorry even if you don't have energy start following him. He is fourteen. Yes he does have to listen to adults.But sometimes these children really want to hear 'no' still and are trying to get you to stop them.If there are drugs involved you need to get him some help. He is still a child, your child and you can call the stops on this.Good luck and so sorry to hear this.

I would be tempted to remove all his rights, video games, friends, phone, and make him earn them back by learning how to be respectful. But, I don't know his specific issues and this could backfire if not done carefully. I would def continue with the therapy, and don't give in to his demands or his behavior may become even worse as he figures out he can manipulate you into getting what he wants.

ADDED: After seeing your update to the post and what others have said: Yes, involve the school counselor much more and definitely see about a truly serious "boot camp"/"scared straight" arrangement. And consider whether he needs private therapy sessions and not only family counseling with you there, and possibly sessions more than once a week. Has the family counselor not talked about things like behavior contracts between you and him? And yes, drug test him. And another huge yes to finding positive reinforcements that motivate him. It sounds from your posts as if that might be tough, if his entire attitude is that nothing will motivate him except doing precisely what he pleases. One more thing -- at school is he hanging with kids who do drugs (yep, some kids do manage to do drugs AT school), who have bad attitudes, etc.? Is there any way the school can monitor that and ensure he is busy and near an adult at all times?

Original:
More details would help us help you.

He says that you're "just a mom but not his mother." What? Are you his stepmother and he's lashing out because he thinks since you're not his birth mom, he can dismiss you? Or is the case that you're his bio mom but he just says this to hurt you?

Are there siblings in the mix? Is he acting out to get attention that is given to a sibling, maybe one who is sick/has school issues/is super-successful or whatever?

What rules specifically does he say he won't follow? Does he think you and your husband are too strict? ARE you too strict if you can sit down and look at things like an objective outsider? What are the "rules" he disregards, exactly? When and how does he disregard them?

He says he wants "freedom to do what he wants." What does he want? Does he say that he wants to leave school, get a job, smoke pot, whatever?? If he just says "I want to do what I want to do," have you ever asked him for specifically what he wants to DO that he cannot do under your roof?

What is his situation at school? Is that part of the rebellion and does he have the same no-rules, "I won't obey any adult" issues there, or are there certain teachers or other adults at school whom he DOES respect? Have you talked with the school, teachers, counselors about the issues at home? Because...those issues at home affect him at school whether he is rebelling there too, or doing fine there and living another life altogether at home.

You say "we" are in counseling. Does that mean you, him AND dad if dad is in the picture? What does the counselor say about your son's insistence that counseling means nothing and is useless? I really would want to know the answer to that last question -- does the counselor agree that your son is so resistant that nothing's working?

Have there been other upheavals in his life? Are those being taken into account as possible causes of his attitude?

Do you know for certain whether or not he is doing drugs? Is that the "freedom" he actually may want? Don't assume he's not doing drugs or drinking. Kids are excellent at hiding things.

Too many questions here. A kid saying "I want to do whatever I want" is not the problem -- it's the symptom of something much bigger and more serious. You asked for advice -- I would advise finding answers to these questions and seeing the counselor with the things you are asking here. Why isn't counseling working? Do you need a different counselor? Does he need to see a counselor on his own, totally solo?

http://familycrisisretreat.com

That man runs Heartlight Ministries, a Christian ministry for kids who are off the rails. I heard him speak recently. Great talk. He wrote TOUGH GUYS AND DRAMA QUEENS.

Check out the information on his website.
http://www.heartlightministries.org/parentingtodaysteens/

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I wonder whether this is brand new behavior, or if he has always been this way, and perhaps has Oppositional Defiant Disorder or something like that.

How does he think that he is going to live on his own and do whatever he wants? Does he understand that you need to be an adult, have a job, pay for rent/utilities/medical/food/clothing/transportation? Or does he just think that you'll set him up unsupervised in an apartment somewhere and bankroll his delinquency, and possibly be charged with abandonment? Does he realize how ridiculous this seems? HS freshman (and I have one of those) don't live independently.

You can't afford to meet him halfway anymore. Ask the guidance counselor at his HS about programs, boot camps, anything that can help. He's smoking? Doing drugs? Where is he getting the money for this? Do not give him money or allow him to have any. No privileges at all. Install tracking on his phone so you always know where he is, and take everything else away from him. You aren't strict? Well, now you need to be. No outings with friends, no hanging out, nothing til he gets his act together and realizes what his place in life and the family are at this stage.

Good luck mom. Please continue with counselling. I hope that in time, things will get better.

Instead of a "Counselor" get a proper Therapist or Psychiatrist and have him assessed. To rule anything out.

He is 14. He is a minor. He can't just legally do whatever he wants.
If he does not go to school, he can be arrested for truancy. For example.
If he fails school, he has to repeat that grade. He will not be able to graduate with his peers. Does he even attend school or cut out? Do you know what his grades are? Do you MAKE... contact with the school? I mean, obviously he gets into trouble AT school? So why? And what repercussions has he had?

Who the heck is his friends? Do you know who they are or their parents?

You said "he has done drugs." So what do you mean? That he has, done it, or STILL does it? Most are still using it. And if so, WHERE is he getting the money from, to buy it or use it?
He can be arrested. Call the cops.

He refuses, anything and everything, that you do as parents.
He just wants to do anything he, wants and to be out at whatever time HE chooses.
BUT you NEED to know, what the LAWS are for minors, and the Curfew laws.... are in your State.
Here is a link for example:
http://www.coj.net/departments/sheriffs-office/community-...
And thus, since or if, your son is breaking laws... you need to know that.
He is not of legal age. Either. For anything.

Does he have a cell phone?
Is there GPS on it?
If not, do it.

And, how is he getting the means, to just go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants? ie: does he have money???? How did he get it?
When he comes home at night whenever he wants... how does he get in the house? You both wait up for him??? He has a house key to let himself in? How?

Has he runaway from home?
If so, did you call the cops?

Does he actually do what he says? Or is he just a big talker who is all talk?

He wants out of the house and to go live somewhere else.
Why?
Is he having problems at school or with friends???
Does he have problems you don't know about?

I went to boarding school once. A prestigious private boarding school. And it is not, just automatically just full of good kids who behave. It was full of rich kids who's parents sent them there, because they were TOO busy with their own lives. Some of those kids, hadn't even seen there parents in awhile. Only maybe once a year for school break. It is not all rainbows and daisies nor about the grass being greener, on the other side. And many of those kids, were BRATS who just did... WHATEVER they wanted, because their parents had NO clue, who their child was. And yes, they did drugs or lied or sneaked around the school rules. They were "smart" kids. Riding on the coattails of their prestigious parents.

Has... your son always been this way???
Maybe you need to send him to a detox facility.
I would assume he is still doing drugs.

You need to know the laws for minors in your State. In some States, they make the PARENTS responsible for their minor-aged child, who breaks any laws.
Head's up.

I am so sorry. My oldest is only 8, so we haven't been through this. Kudos to you for recognizing the problem and going to counseling to get help. Keep working on it! Hugs!!

I saw your "So What Happened?" response. If he is able to restore Wi-Fi, that is fine and dandy, but if you cancel his cellphone service, I doubt he will find a way around that one. I just don't know his personality type to be able to determine whether punishments like that would work on him or just make him angrier or violent toward you.

You also say he gets money and drugs from kids at school. I'd call their parents and inform them that their kid is spending their money (whether it was given as lunch money or an allowance) on drugs and they're also using this money to buy more drugs and provide them to your kid. If they act nonchalant, tell them you will call the police and let them know their child is dealing drugs on school premises. I'm sure that will change their tune.

I agree with others about a "Scared Straight" type of program, maybe a summer camp. He's probably just trying to push buttons to see how permissive you'll be and how far he can push your buttons. If he had such a carefree attitude, he'd be in detention at school and failing his courses, so it seems he does care about his school performance, based on his teachers' feedback.

Since he wants freedom, etc., perhaps finding him a job so he can pay some rent toward you would help him see how much better it is to just abide by the rules and have weekends free than having to waste his free time working. I'm sure there's something he could find with parental permission, like washing dogs at the vet, working part-time at a car wash, or something along those lines. He sounds like the spoiled brat that was recently suing her parents to pay for her private tuition while letting her have run of the house. She eventually came back to her parents, so maybe seeing how the real "adult" world operates would be enough to teach him a lesson.

What I don't understand is why the counselor is doing nothing to assist you. Is this person not a licensed counselor that has knowledge and experience with kids in this scenario? Are you not paying this person? I'd be a little frustrated (okay, that is an understatement) if someone I am paying to help fix my family dynamic is doing nothing to offer suggestions in dealing with a belligerent kid, who happens to be that counselor's patient! Is that not what this person is being paid for??!

I have a 12 year old that is just beginning this road so I have nothing to offer you but hope.

My brother-in-law was a hell raiser when he was young. Just horrible. He became the only brother that stayed married, became a devout Christian and is today helping his Mom (Dad has passed) with her yard work, doctors appointments and anything else she might need. Super guy. Hang in there!!!!

A key point that is missing is whether or not this is new behavior. Has he always been like this? Was there ever a time that he respected you?