Does Anyone Else Have This Problem?? - Chicago,IL

Hi M.

I had my first son 10 days after my 20th B-day, so I was also a "younger mom" My kids are now 15 and 10. I can say that sometimes men don't relate that well to babies. It certainly isn't an excuse to not help you out, but sometimes it gets easier for them to relate as the child gets older. I can remember when my kids were that age, and just being able to sit and stare at them playing and wonder what they were thinking, while my husband was more mezmerized with the TV. My brother in law was the same way. I would be willing to bet that when you daughter is a bit older, and able to do more active things, and hold a conversation, that her daddy will be able to relate better. Also, sometimes as women, we just expect men to just swoop in and help, when really we need to ask for help, because they don't know we want it unless we ask. (They are slightly dense when it comes to that department) Good Luck!!!

congratulations on your baby girl, and how lucky are you to have a man willing and able to let you stay at home. i just wanted to add my two cents, and let you know that my husband was very "hands off" for a long time. guys just don't really have a clue. they are intimidated i think. my hubby would hold my son, but never feed/change/bathe him, until he got older. the older he got, the more my husband felt comfortable and able to really play with him more. my son is 3 now and the two of them are like wwf in our house sometimes, and they have just gotten closer and closer. and i am happy to report that my hubby is quite able to feed/bathe/dress him. i even leave them alone together! lol. as she gets older and he can relate to her more they will get closer. hang in there. the first year or so is a big challenge.

Honey--we ALL feel like single moms sometimes. Your baby's father will most likely have an easier time when the baby is a little older. Some men are terrified of infants....I'm sure his life has changes a LOT in the last year and he probably feels a lot of pressure to provide, etc.

Hmmm I totally see why you feel the way you do and I don't really agree that it's the norm. There are lots of dads out there in today's world that are really into their babies. However, I have been where you are at and it was very hard. It had nothing to do with being married or not or the age of the dad, although the pregnancy was unplanned. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we got pregnant. I was in my 30's and he was over 40! But he totally checked out and was uninterested to say the least. We started fighting and it did actually end our marriage. I was not ok with a husband who was not engaged with our child. (I grew up in a similar situation which was heartbreaking to me).
The happy part of the story is I found a 2nd husband who married me when my son was a small child and totally loves us both! So one never knows where life will take us. Do not despair but also don't settle. Go to counseling. Perhaps you can befriend some couples where the dad is more involved. I think men sometimes need something modeled for them by other men, to see that it is okay, rather then just being nagged at by women, which they can discount.
I hope this helps. Good luck.

Congratulations on your little angel :)
It's always a bit confusing as a mom who loves their baby so entirely to see the dad seem confused or distant, but it happens often, I think.
While it's normal to a certain extent, if after a bit more time goes by- say by the time your little girl is 18 months and he's still not there, then perhaps you should consider moving on.
Sometimes though it takes dads awhile to "pull it together" and get in the act of showing emotions of love toward their baby. He might feel like since he's working all day long that that is way of showing love, and he might feel uncomforable showing physical love because he doesn't really know how.
I would talk to him and tell him your feelings, but in a non-judging and non-confrontational way.
Try to hear him out, too. Both of you can work through this and enjoy your family.
Good luck! :)

What a lucky Mom you are to be able to stay at home with your beautiful baby!!! Most young couples have to have 2 incomes to make ends meet, so be grateful to your little one's Daddy for making it possible for you to have this time with her.
It is natural for Samantha to be more comfortable with you than she is with her Daddy, YOU are the one she spends a majority of her time with!! This would be true even if her Daddy were wanting to cuddle and bond with her. If Grandma came into the house and wanted to hold her she might react in the same way. She is most comfortable with what she knows which is YOU!!
Now it is your job to start introducing her and her Daddy to each other. Don't nag, and don't force the issue, try to make the idea of "helping with her bath" or "feeding her" or "oh look how she is smiling at you"....as attractive as possible!!! My husband didn't feel comfortable holding a newborn baby, and now that he is a grandfather he STILL doesn't like having a tiny little one places in his arms ( The pictures of him holding his newborn grandsons look like someone handed him a live BOMB to hold!!!)
Maybe you could start by helping them to interact while you are holding Samantha...show your husband how she likes to play peek a boo or which toy is her favorite. Make it fun and inviting...not pushing it off on him like it is his "duty". Be patient...and loving...it will happen...on their time schedule!!
Right now, what I think you might find the most helpful is to work on the relationship between you and your husband. You are so young, and I am assuming that he is young too. He may be feeling the stress of being a young father and provider. Find a baby sitter, or trade baby sitting time with a friend so it doesn't cost a lot of money out of your pockets. Start having a date nice once or twice a month. Leave Samantha with a friend for a few hours and go out to dinner and a movie together. If the two of you have a solid bond and share love with each other, Samantha will benefit in the long run!!!
Good luck and God Bless

22 years ago I was in your situation. I was 19 and had a baby boy. His father was 20. We did not get married and I lived at home with my parents. My son's father was too worried about being 20. He did work which allowed me to stay home, but afterward he would go out with his buddies and then come to my house so I could help him not have a hangover the next day. It was as if I was raising 2 kids. After about 8 months of him doing this and not really engaging with my son, I ended the relationship. I told him he could come and see our son at anytime, but for him if he couldn't have both of us he didn't want either. My son was 4 the last time he saw this man. But now he is a fabulous 22 year old film major in college and is doing incredible. I was very lucky that I have a great family who supported me and him in everyway.
Guys have a hard enough time taking care of babies, I think at younger ages it is even harder because they want to go thru that twenties experience. You may need to give him a little more time, but whatever happens make sure you do what is right for you and your daughter. That is what is most important.
Good luck

its normal i think... my husband does it also. my daughter is almost 3 and it still happens. he tells me he works and hes tired. i tell him that it doesnt matter he is still a parent. i may not work but i do take care of my child all day. what i do is purposly leave and not take my child so he has to engage with her. or tell him that he should take her to the park to have daddy and me time so i can have a hour to myself. my daughter also wines and cries for my husbands attention and after i get tired of hearing it i tell him like it is. it got to the point i got so used to doing it all myself that when he would offer to help id shoot him down and tell him that hes hardly helped since she was born why start now... today we delegate chores like washing her cups and such. i still do the majority for her but i cant sit and fight with him over it anymore.

I am completely in the same boat, maybe worse! my 9 month old daughter's dad spends maybe 30 minutes with her a day, he says sleeping in same room counts but no it doesnt. He wont work and we live with his mother(it sucks but that will have to be another post!) and i am trying to get a job but nothing in our small town is hiring that i have applied to. If im going to the store and leave her with him he takes her to his mom when i walk out the door so he can play video games. it does suck when they wont grow up and be a dad especially when its convenient for him to play with her and she doesnt want to be with him cause its like being with a stranger! good luck and i hope things start working out better or everyone in this situation!!

Hi,

If he is that 'checked out' you two need to talk. Like, go to a couples counselor and 'talk' kind of talk. If you two are NOT married, and this pregnancy was not planned, he is probably doing what he thinks he is supposed to do, and may be somewhat resentful of how his youth has been interupted, and that is a pretty immature position to hold and is anything but fair to you or your daughter. If he won't talk, you need to give him a consequence that will show him that you want this to work but his current actions are unacceptable and that you are willing to help him but that he needs to 'man up' and be a father, not just a provider.

Try to do this in a way that does not make him too defensive. This will be tricky, but talk to one of your older aunts who is in a good relationship ask her for some techniques on this.

Good luck with your new family. It sounds like you are off to a decent start. But there is a lot of growing ahead for all of you. You'll be fine, just be good to yourself and don't allow others who have a direct influence on your daughter to ignore or refuse to address their issues.

Take care.

Doesn't matter if you are 19 or 29, this is a common issue with new parents. The key to this is making him have to do some things and then NOT telling him how to do them.
Let him know that you understand he works, but you also are working too at home with her. Then arrange for yourself to go out after dinner some night - write out a schedule for him - jar food at 6, bath at 7, put down for sleep at 7:45. And tell him you will be back at 9 and he has to do this no matter what as he is the dad and the more you leave her with him the better it will get.

My suggesstion is to go out alone for a while after dinner - go to the store, go to the gym, go for a walk, just get out of the house for an hour or two. Leave Samantha home with her dad and "force" him to spend time with her and to care for her. It will feel wierd, but don't let that stop you. Don't leave him any instructions. If he really needs anything he can call you.

Good luck!

I just wanted to comment on your job as a SAHM: being a SAHM is not easy. Sometimes your husband may not realize that it is just like any other job. Some days you like it, and other days you don't. But every day, like it or not, you have to do your job and do it well.

I know many dads who weren't "into babies". They just didn't get them. But once their child got a little older and able to communicate more they started to enjoy spending time with them. It might help to have a sit-down with your bf and talk about what your expectations are for each other both in the relaionship with each other, and also as parents. You need to nurture your relationship with your bf and take care of yourself, or your girl will not have a happy home to live in. Try and be good to each other.

At first we did. But 7 years and 4 kids later, we've worked through that. They don't seem to understand that you spend all day without adult conversation and need a break, being a mommy is a REAL job. At first, I got so pissed I would "clock out" for an hour when my husband got home. I would lock myself in my room, turn up the music and complete a thought.

Just tell him you know he works hard and you appreciate it, but you work hard too and need some help. You have to make time for yourself or you won't be any good to him or your baby. If he resists, don't give him a choice. When he walks in the door, tell him the baby's in the crib and I'm getting out of the house for an hour, love ya.

You really need to communicate your feelings to him, he'll understand