Helping Daughter Bond with Her Father

I don't think it's because you're spoiling them as much as you have a normal attachment to them. You did all these things and he didn't. My ex-husband was very attached to my children except for one..and that one was afraid of him. He'd never bothered. Now you're child is 3 and that is a normal age to be clingy to mom. (whether the child bonded or not).

He needs to just chill out and make little efforts consistently. If she rejects him and wants you, the worst thing he can do is be bitter towards you.. the daughter will see this and see you as the "good guy" or "victim" and cling more closely. He needs to not take it personally but see it as a wonderful thing that you're child is so connected with you and know that a "daddy stage" comes around 4 anyway.

Perhaps scheduling daily routine activities that are his responsibility will help. If he is always the one to play with her for 30 minutes when he gets home she will expect it and that will be their time. Scheduling daddy time for her and for your younger daughter will help them and if you spend time with your older one while your younger one has daddy time that might help the jealousy.
I think perhaps you also need to trust your husband. He loves his daughter; he is not going to let her fall off the dock. Is there another reason you think he wouldn't be a responsible babysitter? If he is a basically responsible person and a loving father you need to let him be that, and leave your daughters with him. It would be good for you to get some time to yourself too.
And let him pick some other outdoor activity to enjoy with them. Obviously they can't surf the way he can but why couldn't they play at the ocean?

Hi B.,
With so many depending on you and being between work and home, you sure have a full life. I commend you for looking for ways to connect your oldest with her father. Here is something to consider since both of your girls will be becoming big sisters to the new baby soon. You could have infant massage instruction for the new baby and have the girls help you with their dolls nearby. And of course Dad would be part of this too...maybe every Saturday and Sunday it could become a family time...after the little baby receives his massage, then the girls and dad could interact with foot or hand massage if that is what he's comfortable with first..Massaging and relaxing together is PRIME BONDING time. I give private instruction if that suits your family best. Look at my course description (Mamasource business listinf) or email me and I'll send you parent comments from my classes. I'm in Orlando. Where are you? I know some instructors around the state and can refer. Best regards, H. Certified Educator of Infant Massage

I had the same problem with my daughter she just turned four. It got so bad that if she wanted a drink and my husband was at the refrigerator she would not let him get something for her. Here's what i did...I started to make him do things with me, like bath time he would come and at first she still wouldn't let him help even though i was right there, at bedtime we both put her to bed and so on. I think it helped she is much better with him now, letting him do things for her. She still likes me to tuck her in but if i'm not home (which is rarely) she'll go to bed for him. Give it time. I hope this works for you. Esp. with a new one on the way. Good Luck

Hi B.,
I agree with Samantha, Daddy needs to be around more, his hobbies are hobbies girls can do too. The Beach, Putt Putt, and fishing!! I myself do all these things with my son and daughter. My husband is a Military man and he too will take time alone for each child. It is not too late, although your daughters definately have had a lot of time w/o daddy and it is going to take some getting used to. Good Luck

Dear B.,

Well I think you just said it, "he spends a lot of time without us". I'm sure that these past 3 years he could have spent more time with you all, instead of surfing, fishing and doing those "guy things" so this was the major problem.

My husband feels extremely aweful for not being around his children because he is in the military, this he cannot help. Your husband can!

Solution: If you both want to have your daughters bond with their daddy, I'd say start doing things all together, the four of you. Go to the park, ride bikes, go camping/fishing together!! Gradually have days where Daddy and the girls go out without mom! Then maybe he can set aside two days out of each week where he takes one daughter out on a "Daddy-Daughter Date"...Its what my father did with us (there were 5 of us) and it helped eased the jealousy and attention grabbing fights between us children.

My oldest son is very attached to me and when he screams to get away from daddy's affection, my husband counters that with a tickling wrestle with his son and then they go find things to play with.

Your husband has got to show interest in your daughter's likes and needs. IF she likes playing with dolls, then he needs to show his "tender side" and play along with her. Maybe with you sitting behind him at first. Show your approval. SCREAM HAPPILY "YAY DADDY'S HOME, YAY" Run to him and give him a big group hug and kiss. Make Dad feel special too so that the girls will as well.

Not that he's bribing them, but every now and then, Have dad bring home something for the girls, a piece of candy or a new toy...Have dad take them somewhere to eat and play, Chuck-E-Cheese. They are daddy's girls and he can spoil them if he wants, LOL!

Just make it fun and show the girls you're happy when their Dad is around. Never argue about him being gone infront of the girls, because they are listening, always!

This is really an unfortunate situation, but it is good that you are trying to be proactive and nip this in the butt now rather than let it continue. It will only be harder the older the children get. It sounds like you are a very loving and attentive mother, which is our job, right? You are a third party in regards to your husbands relationship with his children, so you might not be able to control how things play out. Your husband, on the other hand, is the one who must take control of this. Maybe if he REGULARLY takes your 3 yr old to do fun stuff (just the 2 of them), like getting ice cream, going to chucky cheese, etc, they will have the one-on-one quality time to bond. She might kick and scream the 1st time because you are not with them, but maybe she'll learn that Daddy isn't the bad guy and it's fun to hang out with him. The main factor is that Daddy has to invest the time to make this work even if it cuts into his schedule. Good luck!

Hi B.,

Sounds to me like you are going to get some well-deserved "me" time, lol. My personal opinion is that he needs to spends some time alone with her. Kids bounce back and forth with which parent that want to be with more. Sometimes it's because of a stage they are going through, and sometimes it's because one spends more time with them than the other. I realize that he can't take her surfing but he can take her to the driving range. Fishing is a great way to bond also. He may have to sit on the bank of a pond instead of going deep sea fishing but we all make sacrifices for our kids.

Remeber patience is a virtue. It truly is not too late. I didn't bond with my Dad until I was an adult. He was and is a dear man, but he worked all the time and was not around....

God bless,

M.

I have 4 kids, and my oldest was such a mama's boy. I just did everything for him and let my husband work on the others. the more you push her away the more she will cling to you. Let your husband work with #2; they will have a close bond. Your 1st and your husbands time will come. when she is older, she will go through a phase where she will reject you and want only your husband. It was hard with my 1st born as well. He only wanted mommy, and it was hard on my husband because this was his son. You could work her into what is going on as well. Tell her, "I have to take care of your sister; if you want it done right away, go to daddy, otherwise you have to wait until I am done." that way she is making the choice of who is helping her.See if she will help you with her sister. If my oldest wanted me to do something for him, he either had to wait, or work with me. Often he helped so that he could get what he wanted faster. Sometimes he got tired of waiting and went to Daddy. My husband also was the "only" person who could do certain things,
i.e. play Little Einsteins on the computer. I just said I didn't know how, and Daddy could help. If there was a fuss , we just didn't do it because I didn't know how. to this day, my boys know that if they want hamburgers or hotdogs, Daddy has to grill them because Mommy doesn't know how to use the grill.
Also sounds like a little bit of inlaw problems there. Been there; done that. You and your husband need to work together. Inlaws need to butt out and he needs to put up a united front with you. Inlaws had their turn raiding their kids. Good luck with that...

How about some one on one father daughter lunches, a special treat at a bakery, a movie, something that she is interested in? My husband and I have been making an effort to both spend some special one on one time with our 3 year old since his brother (4 months) has come on the scene. Maybe if your husband and your daughter make this a weekly thing she can feel that he is hers and form that bond with him which would hopefully also translate to bath time, bedtime etc.

Hi B. - just have your husband take baby steps with your daughter. Have him not say anything, just lay on the floor with her toys, blocks, whatever, and start playing. your daughter will come over and start playing. Or he can bring a new toy into the house and start playing with it. that can be their special toy. she'll gravitate over his way and start talking with him and playing. another thing, if your daughter asks you for something, say I think not, but go ask your dad. Dad can say yes, and eventually she'll come to see he's not a bad daddy after all. He can buy a pop up tent that is an inside tent and he can lay in it and take a nap and I bet she will lay right along side of him. Have lots of pillows. Also, when he comes home from work, he should say loudly, Daddy's home. and let them come running and hug him. This is the time that he should spend with them since he has their undivided attention. He should ask them how they are. IF they want to show him something they're playing with, he should get down to their level and play with them. This is not the time to sit down and read the paper. This is the time to spend with them. That gives you time to get dinner ready. Good luck. T. in DeLeon Springs, Fl

Hi B.,
It is a shame that your daughter doesn't know or appreciate her father. It is important for children to spend time with their parents - both of them. One way for you to fix this problem is to recognize that it has been created two ways. One issue is that he has not been a parent to her, so she does not ever look to him for any parenting. The other is that you "do everything" for her and she has probably not had to deal on her own for anything. I know how easy it is to get into that doing everything for your children, but children do need to experience doing things for themselves. At her age, she is old enough to have minor chores, like helping put away toys, making her bed (pulling up the covers).
As for the relationship with your husband, I'm glad to hear he is taking more active participation with the younger daughter, realizing the mistake of not being part of the 3 year old's life. Perhaps he can give up golf or fishing for a little while for the sake of the family... and you can all do things together. Go on picnics, to the park, on family outings - even shopping together. Start small and work up... first together so you are there, maybe both holding hands with her, and gradually move to activities with just her and him as their relationship grows.

If he wants to be important to her... she has to be important to him first. He needs to make her and his relationship with her a priority. And you will have to work together to help her adjust to these changes.

That said... I would not put up with "screaming" for you. Calmly tell her that screamming is not acceptable and she needs to use her words and talk if she has a problem. Talk to her - alot - about her Daddy and how much he loves her. Find books to read that show Dad's doing stuff with kids. Make it something she wants. Gradually, she will respond and start to relate to him, but it is going to take effort from him and TIME. That time spent with your children forms a bond that will be SO important later on as they become teenagers and adults.

I wish you the very best. Good luck!
M. -- Grandma of 5

Hi!

I have an almost-3-yr-old and a baby boy on the way (going in Sun. to be induced). I know the struggle you're going through! Dads seem to naturally just let the mom take care of everything unless the mom makes a concentrated effort to just let him do his thing without interfering. They may not do it "our way" but hey - the kids won't suffer from the occasional bathtime without being washed in every crack and crevice. : )

One thing my husband does is every Saturday morning he takes our daughter out for breakfast. It gives me some alone time and gives them some really good quality time. It's something she looks forward to all week long! So maybe try to get him to schedule some time with each kid and make sure he gets to do some of the domestics at least once a week - like pick a night that he gets up in the middle of the night or pick a night that he covers bathtime. If it's scheduled, then everyone will start to get used to the interaction.

she has you trained. Stop going to her, let dad. If she fusses about it let her fuss. She is not hurt so she is just controling you. How will you stop this when she is a teen if youdon't stop it now?What are you going to do when you have the baby?

If he is serious about changing his daughters' feelings towards him and thier preceptions, then he will need to cut back at least a little on his "me" time. And I would suggest starting out doing family fun activities. If you all go do something together then your daughters won't be separated from you and will be having fun with their father. Given some time they will soon see him as able to share the role you currently play and then YOU will be able to take some "me" time (or do an extra load of laundry). :) Hope that helps!!!

I am a stay at home mom with an in-home daycare. I watch children all day including my 5 year old daughter after school and my 3 year old son. My son prefers me over my husband to the point that they (my daughter and son) fight over "who gets mommy first at bedtime". I even write on the calander who gets mommy first so they don't argue every night. My husband sometimes feels left out, but he understands that I am the one who takes care of them all the time so they are used to me doing things for them.

However, my husband has always been part of their daily routine (partially because I need a break but mainly because they need time with him). He plays with them outside (I usually "watch" them outside so they don't get hurt, but daddy REALLY plays with them). He bathes them every night. And at bed time, I get one and he gets the other, then we swap after a few minutes.

My suggestion would be to have your husband "help" you with routine activities such as bed and bath. Both of you do it together. Then you step out of the room for a few minutes and come back. Eventually they will get used to daddy bathing them or reading them books. Then after a few weeks (yes, it may take that long), they will be comfortable with daddy giving them a full bath or putting them down for bedtime alone.

Another solution would be for YOU to get out for awhile. Go to a movie with a friend at bed time. They will have to deal with daddy putting them down. But, don't give in if they cry for you. Stand up and tell them that daddy is also in charge and daddy can do everything that mommy can do. Tell them that mommy and daddy need to take turns with each of them and it's daddy's turn to play with them but that it will be mommy's turn soon.

Regarding "bonding" and spending time together, I would suggest your husband start by taking them to the park by themselves. Find a pond and fish in the pond instead of a dangerous dock or boat. Feed the ducks. Just because he likes to do those things (golding, fishing, surfing), doesn't mean that he can do those things with his young children. My husband takes my daughter (5 years old) and my son (3 years old) to the driving range. He is teaching them a skill while spending time together in a safer environment than a full golf course. Daddy's should also be able to play tea party and dress up sometimes, too!!

My husband is awesome with our kids and I am so grateful that he is such a part of their lives.

Hmmm. A tough one because relationships are built, they just don't happen. Perhaps your husband could set some time every week for just he and her. Take her somewhere, even just out for ice cream, or to the park or just out in the yard. The point is, it should be just the two of them.

It sounds to me like your husband needs to be seeking advice from a dad source. This is neither your fault or your problem. I have been married to two different 'man's men', and that is what happened with their kids. If you weren't around and the dad was, it would be the opposite. Kids that age are wary of people they don't know. THink about the way they act the first day of daycare....screaming, scared little scraps of humanity that break your heart when you leave them. They eventually get over it, when they get to know their teacher and the kids they have class with.
I am not sure if the bit you wrote about the golf course is your opinion or what you have been told by hubby, but I can promise you that is not true. My second husband went so far as to tell me that you had to pay to even ride along in the cart, so I never went! But my current(3 times IS a charm!)husband and I started dating, he took my son(then, not quite 2),daughter(8 at the time), and I golfing every weekend. HE even potty trained my son on the golf course(sshhh..they peed on every tree on that course, I think!). My youngest is 4 months, and has been 2x's already. My point is, golf courses are very family friendly, as long as you keep the noise down around other players. And if you are running a bit slow, people are happy to go around you. Even the strictest of courses will allow kids on the driving rage and putting green as long as they are quiet and highly supervised(generally, quality time with your kid IS highly supervised). My now 4 yr old son has developed a real passion for golf, and he and my husband have a super-glued relationship because of it.
Kids love for you to show them something new, and you do that every day, just by being there.You are NOT spoiling them! Your husband is just going to have to decide what his prorities are, and persevere in winning his daughter back. Kids are easy to impress, maybe he could do some kind of funny little magic trick before he tries to pick her up or get her out of the bath. Make her smile first(grease the wheels a bit).

Unfortunately, you cannot force a child to bond with a parent. This has to come naturally and with consistent interaction. My first daughter (5) was the same way. I stopped working to stay home with her at my husband's request therefore he felt it was my job to take care of her. She would scream if he tried to go into her room at night or do anything with her and he would just bring her to me and give up even though I would try to stay out of it and let them bond. This is not my recommendation, but he and I divorced and after the divorce he realized that he was going to miss out on her life if he didn't become a part of it and he is more of a part of her life now than when he lived with us. It is something you can encourage, but they will have to find their way on their own. And I think some children just bond more strongly to one parent or the other. I am remarried and my first daughter is still very close to me and prefers me over anyone or anything and my second daughter is more of a daddy's girl but seems to be more independent without an overly strong preference as the first. I think there is definitely a middle ground in the nurture vs. nature debate. I don't think it's that we spoil them persay, we were the ones they could depend on to take care of their needs and they remember that and some children (people) are more dependent on others. Don't let the in-laws get to you, it's every parents' job to defend their children no matter how old or how wrong they might be :)

I think you have nothing to do with this... it is their father's job to be a part of their lives... I will suggest leaving the girls with their dad by themselves without you there at all. Start slowly, go for a walk for 30 min. and then go out all afternoon by yourself.
He really needs to put more effort into them. My husband was the same way before we had our boy, but now he does not do ANYTHING without him. our son comes in first and then his hobbies. Of course, there is the occasional weekend that he does something, but I also have them too.
Parenting is a two way street!!! you should not do anything, if he is depressed about it he is the one who should do something.
good luck

My daughter used to be the same way. She is now three and a half and now has had a good relationship with her father. She still has a stronger bond with me but is also able to be with him and be happy. I make my husband take her out alone or I go out and leave her with him. I wouldn't worry too much about her crying when you leave because my daughter does the same thing but stops right after I leave. My husband takes my daughter to the park, the movies, chuckie cheeses, fishing, even out for ice cream. She loves going to the movies and eating popcorn. For some reason she gets really excited about that. I also understand the jealousy thing. I have a 18 month old son that tries to be involved in everything we do which can prevent her from doing some of the things she likes to do. If you have her dad just take her out without her sister, that will add to the fun of it. It may be hard at first and she may resist but you have to force it a little in the beginning. Oh, and tell your husband when he goes fishing with his daughter he needs to concentrate on spending time with her and not catching fish for himself. She will still probably want you most of the time. My daughter comes to me for comfort, and she only wants me in her room at night to read to her, but if I'm not there during bedtime, she lets him do it. It took us time to but I think it's important for them to have that one on one time. Good luck and try not to get too frustrated. Your husband has to really put in the effort too.

I want to add to the chorus that your husband needs to get his priorities straight, but I also know it is sometimes hard for dads to figure out how to relate to their children, especially girls. When she is older I highly recommend the YMCA's Indian Princess program. I believe it has another name now, but the point is that it gets dads and daughters together doing fun activities, which really helps those fathers who don't know where to begin.

I'm also not so sure it's too early to start including the children in his activities. Surely there are some he can share. My son-in-law has let his children "help" with his various projects, from carpentry to car repair, since they could stand. Not only did this provide great bonding time, but the four-year-old is now quite competent with tools and truly is a help with the work. Of course, this does require that the dad be careful and aware!

B.,

Like you said "he spends a lot of time without us"and "not spending a lot if time with her". He needs to make this a priority if he really wants to get closer to his kids. My husband has many interests and works 50 hours a week. But his days off are for his family. Not to say he doesn't do things those days too, just not all day long. Ex. last friday afternoon he got off early and come home and got the 3 yr old and they went to the book store, the motorcycle shop and to get a milkshake. He took both girls to a friends for a cook out while I worked Saturday night. We plan things to do together on the weekends. We have picnics, go to breakfast together,run errands, go to the park,etc. He loves being with them. My 3 year old loves her daddy because he has always spent a lot of time with her. But my almost 2 year old always wants me. I think it is because he did not spend as much time with her because he was with the oldest while I was taking care of the baby. He has started putting her to bed. She screams for me for about 2 minutes. they go in her room and I do not go in. He handles her and she calms down and goes to bed. She still does not let him rock her but she will stop crying and let him lay her down. She has started asking for him in the morning now. She loves it when he is home weekend morning and he gets her out of the crib. She also only wants me to give her a bath. We have started with him doing it but I will sit in their so she knows I am close by. It will take time but at this young age things can change if he really wants to make the effort. That being said you have to give him the chance too. Don't run in the second she starts to cry and he is with her. Give them time together. Have he take her to the park, lunch one day, or just playing in the back yard. Have them do fun things together before he starts with the hard stuff-bathtime,bed,getting a boo-boo.
Once the baby sees that big sister has fun with dad she will follow too. My husband (with the youngest) will say " she wants you" and I tell him to hamdle it, he is her parent too. She is getting better but I have let him do it.
It was hard for me to let him take the oldest out without me the first time. She was 5 months old and he was dying to go just them two somewhere. So there was a clasic car show in town and he wanted to take her. I was so scared to let him take her. But I did it and things were fine. they were gone for about and 1 1/2 hours. He didn't loss her!! and she was so happy.
If he really wants to change things he has to be willind to do something about it. Really encourage him to take more time with the girls. You are really going to need his help with the new baby comimg. You can't be up with three kids. ya'll have to divide a conquer.
Wish you the best, T.