Kind of a funny question and yet another one. I have the help, again letting you all know, but my question is, does anyone ever have that internal conflict where you know you need to do something or got the choice to do something that would be good for you, but turn around and have a hard time doing it because it could hurt some one else? I had this issue when I went to japan with my sister. I told my mom, who was afraid I decide to stay that I wouldn't be staying I be comming back. Well while I was there I was offered a really great job, but that would require me to stay there. It hurt my mom badly that I was talking of staying. It was my senior year in high school. I felt so horrible I couldn't decide and finnaly the job was taken by some one elese because I couldn't bear to hurt my mom, though in the end I decided to stay after all with my sister. I do this alot, I miss out on alot because I decide not to hurt the other person involved. Same with my divorce. I know all the things hes doing, I know what people are telling me hes doing, yet I see the good that was in him that I loved, and when hes nice to me I feel bad I am doing what I have to do. It hurts to hurt some one else, even though I have no plan on screwing him over, no plan on keeping him from seeing our child, have every intention and trying to keep it as fair as possible, but I know he will be hurt if not pissed off when he finds out I am fighting back. His fear was I would just run off and hide with out son, that I would try to take him for everything hes worth, ect. And I told him I wouldn't take his son away from him, I had no intention, he needs his father just as much as he needs me. So I don't know really how to explain it, but all I can say is it hurts me just as much as I know it may hurt him. My heart hurts to do it, but I am being pushed to defend myself. Even though every fiber of my being is wanting to just curl up in a ball and just wish it all away, I know I can't. Gosh. wow.. Its amazing how much its hurting me to do it all. Funny though I am told, he is probably not worry about how I feel or how its hurtting me, like I am worried about hurting him. So has anyone else felt this way, been torn by this kind of thing. Of doing whats good for you but not wanting to because it can hurt some one else?
Mind you I have basicaly done what it is I need, just the anxiety of having to do it, behind his back, and doing what he was afraid I would do hurts. But there was no other way. I was pushed my by sister to take action. Your right I need a swift kick and think of my son and I, it is just hard for me to see it, to push myself to do it. I have always been this way, afriad of hurting people, afraid of upseting them, its always been and anxiety to me. Its the back and forth from him too. Acting all nice to me yet still doing the things hes doing that caused alot of this. Aka. talking to his little GF Still. I guess in a way I still love him, not in love but love him, and miss the good times and wishing things could be differnt, and fear his wrath once he finds out about all this. It is always turned around on me, I am the one at fault, I am the one to blaim, I am the deceiving one, ect. Just because he has kept most of it open to me, he thinks its all justified. He knows I get confused eaisly, so he twist and turn things it seems so I am not sure what I am doing, like getting me to sign the divorce papers putting him as custodial parent and me with visitation, when it could have been both of us on that line when we agreed on joint custody. I was explained differntly but was told it was just to protect him. Anyways. Thank you for any post. Some hurt to read, some make me laugh. I am trying to say strong it is just very, very hard for me.
You are obviously a caring, compassionate woman. But you are also letting thoughts about others run your life. Have you ever considered Codependence Anonymous? I know people poo poo 12-step programs, but I can honestly say it has changed my life and made ME happy with ME.
Blessings on the changes in your life
Oh I have got your number sister. I hear myself all OVER your post!
We make it sound like we have to choose between being a good person and living life the way we choose, and we both know that's not true. The world is TEEMING with generous people doing good by others and still being true to themselves.
We are hiding behind the desire to be kind, we are mistaking it for FEAR of trying and failing ourselves.
You need to pull yourself together and show your son how a strong beautiful woman reacts with grace and confidence when things don't go exactly as planned (which is every freakin day, really).
You likely have a pretty good case of depression here. You need to get some help, some meds, a swift kick in the pants, whatever it takes to roll up your sleeves and get busy.
After all, GOOD things happen to GOOD people, provided that GOOD person (you or me) MAKES good things happen!
Sending you balls, girl!
:)
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Ummm, you seem to need to understand that sometimes you have to do what's best for you and screw everyone else. In a divorce "game on" you are not only fighting for you and your future but for that of your child's ... I can promise you he does not care about what feelings of your get hurt.
I feel for you. I have sacrificed many times my wants and desires to help others.
But that's part of being a loving husband and dad.
Good luck to you and yours.
You are responsible for your own happiness. But you have found a way to blame others for anything not right in your life. You have lived your life knowing nothing is your fault you did it all for others. See a counselor so you dont raise your child to be the same way. Put your child first!
As Theresa N said You are hiding behind your "claim" to be kind but you are not being kind to your son. Grow up and take charge of your life, unless you are under 18, then go home to Mom and Dad
You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. You are only responsible for your own happiness and that of your minor child. As long as you aren't physically harming someone else or harming someone else with lies and deceit then you have every right to do what's right for you and your child.
It's not up to you to keep someone else from getting upset or angry. Let other adults take responsibility for their own lives, their own happiness, and let their past history tell you how their behavior will affect you and your child.
It's not up to you to make sure that your ex-husband trusts you. You've been married and you have a child together. If he doesn't know you by now and trust your word, that's his problem. All you can do is live by your word until he forces you to make more distance because of his own unhealthy actions.
Anyway, I see that you're a people pleaser. It's good to be empathetic to other people's feelings, but not at the cost of your and your child's needs and happiness.
I always think to myself... if my sister or best friend was asking me this, what would the advice be that I would give them? Sometimes we forfit ourselves for others and that is noble in some cases but when it comes to letting someone take advantage over and over of us then it stops becoming ok. Things aren't black and white such as he is a good guy or he isn't a good guy, but he is in the gray area, he is a good guy who is doing some things that aren't best for you and you need to protect yourself in those times. Let's look at why he will be hurt.. because you are fighting back instead of letting him have the control? Why does he deserve all the control in your eyes? Are you not worthy of what you are fighting for? It hurts or makes a child angry to be sent to time out when he is misbehaving but none of us would want to keep letting him misbehave. What about the hurt he is causing you with his behavior? Best thing you can do right now is get counciling to help you figure out why you think you aren't worthy. Good luck and bless you
Interesting how you put things into words. I am the same way but never spelled it out like you did. People like us tend to get walked on as far as emotions go because those in our lives know it eats at us. When I was in my mid 20's with no husband no kids, I moved to Chicago to pursue my dream job. My dad was so upset that I left. He was always pressuring me to come home and work in his medical office. I felt awful that he was so sad. I eventually went back home and worked in his office. A decision I regret. I now am married with two kids and could never just pick up and pursue something like that again. Live for you. You sound like a good person and that your decisions aren't going to take someone out. Just step back and live for you.
