Questions for Mothers with at Least 2 Kids. Just Need a Ear and Some Chatting :)

Your mother is a damaged human being, for whatever reason. You can dig into that, or you can let it go. Either she is not aware that she only has pictures of one of you (which means she has some sort of mental illness or perhaps early-onset dementia of some kind), or she is super-angry at you and letting you know by excluding you from photos.

You can ask her about it, or you can have a sit-down, lay-it-on-the-line sort of conversation. Say that you are hurt by the exclusion from the photo wall, and you want to know why she does that. Then wait, and don't talk. But you have to be prepared for an angry answer, so be sure you want to go down that road.

I'd be curious about what your sister thinks and whether she has noticed, said anything, or complained to your mother about your exclusion. Is part of your resentment directed at your twin? Is your mother so damaged or so shallow that she can only love one person by shutting out another?

It would benefit you to get counseling. If money is an issue, call your town clerk and ask if there is a counseling/mental health office (some cities have them and they often take a sliding scale fee or something with a low co-payment with your insurance). You can also see if there is a pastoral care agency in your area - we have a group of clergy members who provide counseling to anyone (you don't have to be a member of one of their houses of worship), and they do fundraisers periodically to help underwrite the costs for those who can't afford counseling otherwise. If you can't find any agency on your own, call a couple of churches or synagogues and ask the minister/priest/rabbi offices if they know of any such agency.

I'd spend less time trying to figure out why your mother's relationship with her mother plays out into this, and more time about what you want to achieve with her and how much of that is possible.

Your mother is getting older and you are, understandably, facing the possibility of her not being around someday. But maybe you can't change her. Perhaps you should see her for lunch or dinner or a movie, but not in her home since it hurts you so much. And perhaps you should cultivate relationships with others - sounds like you have a good man, and maybe you can give to others (perhaps in a senior center or nursing home) and find an older person (or two or five) who give you perspective and warmth. It's okay to surround yourself at a holiday table with people you love and not necessarily people you are related to. Sometimes you have to create a "family" when life didn't give you a good one.

you can't fix your mom, and that's a sad fact. i can't imagine how painful it is to be the forever scapegoat while your twin is the golden child, but the only way forward for you is to shield yourself, have excellent boundaries, and to learn to define yourself outside of your mother's unbalanced perceptions.
easy to say. not so easy to do.
you've got an uphill battle, but you recognize what's happening so you're off to a good strong start.
distance yourself. spend less time with her. when you must see her or go to her house, get yourself mentally prepared to be strong, happy and confident. don't eat crow. but don't engage in hopeless battles either. you can't 'win' with her, but you sure can with yourself and your own life.
good luck.
khairete
S.

welcome to mamapedia.

My mom is dead. She's been dead for over 3 years. I felt her last heart beat and called time of death. I can say the only time my relationship was strained with my mom was in my teen years (I really thought she and my dad were stupid! LOL - don't we all?)

You need to talk with your mom. You need to stop holding on to things you cannot change. You can make a choice - try mending the fences with your mom or just block her out of your life. The choice is yours. No one can make you do anything and no one can force you to do anything. You are allowing your mother to hurt you. Stop. Stop whining and pining. If you are not going to do anything to fix or change it? Stop whining.

it doesn't matter WHAT she and her mom did. that was THEIR relationship. Stop trying to define/compare your relationship with your mother with that of HER mom.

I also call into suspect that you only discuss YOU and your not twin. Why would they blame just you if you have a twin? Only YOU are the scapegoat?

Go get counseling. Suggest your mom go with you and work this out. If you or she are not willing to do this? You need to stop allowing yourself to be a victim. You have to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, no one else will.

Your mom is messed up. She will probably never change. You have to just realize that she is a mentally screwed up person with issues and she has never been a good mother to you. It has been 45 years. I doubt she will come to some big realization if you talk to her about this. You can try but don't expect much. Personally, I would definitely say something. I would also distance myself and expect nothing from her. I think she will just continue to hurt you. The best thing you can do is do therapy for yourself, treat yourself right, respect yourself, and nurture those in your life who are positive and loving towards you. I would stop going over to mom's house. I would stop having much of a relationship with her. I'm very sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this and I'm sure it is extremely hurtful. I'm sending you hugs.

My husband has this kind of relationship with his mother. Because he didn't want to deal with her issues as a kid and said no, he was labeled as the difficult one. He's the most caring and loving man I know. To this day though, every time he says no to her - she criticizes him all over again.

His brother is her pet - he lives with her. It's complicated.

My MIL had kids young so she could have her own family - she was trying to fix her problems. But she was a mess. So she was a mess of a parent.

Here's what helps me. I think of my MIL as an acquaintance. Someone I just know and nothing more. I can be pleasant, patient and understanding, but I don't get personal. I don't engage in all her woe is me tales. Or her drama. Just as I wouldn't with someone I worked with but wasn't friends with. Just keep it light.

If you must get it all out, it helps to write it all down. You don't have to send it to her. You can let our your anger, your hurt, etc. Or do it in therapy. Sometimes just a few sessions is all you need. Best to you

Whatever her reasons, your mother is not going to change what she does unless she comes to an internal realization. So you will have to be the one to change what you do. That means not wasting your time trying to figure out her motives and stop allowing her actions to impact your self-worth.

The relationship you have with your mom may never be any different. You have to learn to navigate what you have, without letting it drag you down. A therapist might help you with putting things in perspective. He or she can guide you through how to talk to your mom, when to speak up, and when to let go.

By the way, 'eating crow' does not mean keeping quiet about things that bother you. It means having to face embarrassment by admitting you were wrong about something you have strenuously insisted on being correct about.
You've been 'holding your tongue' or 'keeping the peace' or 'not rocking the boat' by remaining silent.

Hi,

I'm sorry if I repeat posts below, but I wanted to get my thoughts out directly to you.

1. Therapy for you. This has to be about you and your acceptance of what is, and ways forward to happiness. You are too important to put this off.

2. Don't confront your Mom. Because that's what she'll most probably hear: a confrontation. She won't change. And it's my experience that she may love you very, very, much, but has too many old habits of letting hurts in her life frame her behaviors towards others. I'm guessing she's hurt easily. If it's something you are open to, pray for her happiness.

3. Don't make your Mom's issues come between you and your sister. This happens naturally, and you have to fight the urge to make your sister understand or make your sister see things from your point of view. If you need to vent, come back to this site, talk to your therapist, talk to a friend who does not know your family. Spend all time with your sister building a relationship that's about the two of you.

I understand too well how important the love of a Mom is. I also understand that many Moms cannot give their love unconditionally. I am sorry for your pain and hurting. I hope you have many wonderful things in your life.

Updated

Hi,

I'm sorry if I repeat posts below, but I wanted to get my thoughts out directly to you.

1. Therapy for you. This has to be about you and your acceptance of what is, and ways forward to happiness. You are too important to put this off.

2. Don't confront your Mom. Because that's what she'll most probably hear: a confrontation. She won't change. And it's my experience that she may love you very, very, much, but has too many old habits of letting hurts in her life frame her behaviors towards others. I'm guessing she's hurt easily. If it's something you are open to, pray for her happiness.

3. Don't make your Mom's issues come between you and your sister. This happens naturally, and you have to fight the urge to make your sister understand or make your sister see things from your point of view. If you need to vent, come back to this site, talk to your therapist, talk to a friend who does not know your family. It's not your sister's fault that she's what is called "the Golden Child". Trust me, that role also has it's own cost. Spend all time with your sister building a relationship that's about the two of you.

I understand too well how important the love of a Mom is. I also understand that many Moms cannot give their love unconditionally. I am sorry for your pain and hurting. I hope you have many wonderful things in your life.

You could always try saying, "Mom, it hurts my feelings that there are no pictures of me in the house. Can I give you one to hang up?"

From the sounds of it, your mother is the kind of mean person who will not respond positively to that, but you never know, maybe she will. If she is mean to you after a nice request like that, you know she's a really messed up person and you will have to just try not to take her problems personally. I had a difficult relationship with my mother too, so I know how it feels. And I also noticed a lack of photos of me in her house.

Counseling, like the others suggest.

You need to accept that your mom will not change. You need to go to counseling for you. You need to learn how to deal with it and move on in your life. I'm sorry that your relationship with your mom is like this.

Hey P.,
So sorry to hear about your and you're mothers relationship; I am sure it is very hard on you. Your mother is clearly a person who was broken, and was unable to break out of a bad generational cycle. Whatever broke her and left her unable to have a relationship with you must have been awful, and a tragedy all its own to be sure, but the fact that she wasn't able to overcome it for you, her own daughter, is an even bigger tragedy for both of you. My husband had a kind of similar relationship with his father. His father is an alcoholic, and was extremely abusive toward him, but my husband's sister could do no wrong. Sometimes when they were children his sister would take the blame for things he had done (like a spilled glass of milk) because they knew she wouldn't be in trouble but he would have been severely beaten and abused. His parents had divorced when he was young(because he was abusive towards their mother), and my husband spent the majority of his childhood in the custody of this abusive and selfish man. He was worked like a dog, and abused regularly. His sister would come stay every other weekend and receive nothing, but praise and admiration. His nightmare childhood with his father finally ended when he was 15 years old and his father almost killed him, so he was finally removed from the home. My husband and his father saw each other a handful of times over the next ten years, my husband would attempt to try and smooth things over, but his father all but spat it back in his face. When my husband and I decided to get married three years ago, he decided he was going to give his relationship with his father one last chance. I guess he thought that now that he was starting his own family, maybe his dad would be interested in him, and ready to move on. He went to see him for Christmas, and it was just one negative experience and disappointment to the next. When my husband's sister called to ask if she could bring my husband they at first said yes, not realizing that he had already agreed to come (I guess they thought she was just trying to be a peacemaker) but then when they had heard he had in fact agreed to come, they (his father and stepmom) said that he could not come to the regular family Christmas gathering, but that he could come visit separately with his sister if he wanted to. My husband agreed and went only to confirm once and for all that his father was still the same selfish, alcoholic, broken man, and that he was still not really capable of having a real relationship. My husband hasn't seen or spoken to him since. But, my husband did break the cycle, he is a great man, the best husband to me, and a wonderful father to our son. He is not without his scars though. In some ways becoming a father has really helped him. He understands now more than ever that for his father to not be able to love one of his own children, he truly must have been broken. But, it still doesn't make it any easier. He still has a sadness in his sweet eyes, that I doubt will ever go away. It took him years to find the time to try and bridge the gap one more time, probably because he knew what the end result would be. Even though it wasn't an easy decision, he now has closure. He recognizes his dad for the broken man that he is, but more importantly he knows, that just like our son, he deserved and should have received his fathers love, and the fact that he didn't receive it was a tragedy, but not one that was his fault. His sister does still have a "relationship" with their dad, but I say "relationship" because even though he is nice to her, she recognizes him for the broken man that he is, and the man that so deeply hurt her mother and brother. It's more out of pity for a sad, angry, old man with few others who will tolerate him, and because she is a loyal and good person, than it is because they have a loving father-daughter relationship. Again, I am so sorry for what you were deprived of in terms of the relationship with your mother. And although the hunger for that love will probably never go away, know that it is not on you. I do think, if you can, you should go lay it out on the table for your mother, but do so for your own closure, and with out high hopes for her to come around. Good luck to you, and I hope you find some peace in this sad situation soon.