Do You Worry About You/your Spouse Dying?

I have done everything in my power to prepare for any possibilities. Beyond that what can I do? What will happen will happen and worry will not change any outcome. It seems like if anything it would push the possibility of self fulfilling prophecy.

Bear (is that the right bear or is it bare?) in mind I am probably one of the strangest people you will ever hear from but I am compelled to rationalize things, this is how I rationalize the potential for death.

I do think about people dying occasionally, but I push it out of my head. I really try to remember that worrying about something that will probably never happen wastes the "now".

Thinking of death obesessively is a sign of depression, so it is good that you see a therapist. If this continues, you might be a candidate for an antidepressant.

OK, I will not make the religious answer, although I have one.

Possibly the most important thing you and your husband can do that might help your anxiety is to look that possible event right in the face. I like the old Dorothy Sayers quote, "Fears are like cows. If you look them in the face hard enough, they run away."

If your husband were to die next year, what would you do? Will there be enough for his family to live on so that you don't have to put your children in day care and get yourself a full-time job? What steps would you take now to ensure that your family life would not "suck," as you put it? What organizations are near you that are devoted to helping with that situation? There are groups that help adults and children deal with a death of a loved one and get their lives going again. Likewise, what would your husband need to consider if something should happen to you?

Visit your lawyer and see that your wills are in good order. Have you talked to trusted relatives or friends who would commit long-term to raising your children if something happened to you both? Talk to a married couple whom you respect and love, and see if they would be happy to give your children a stable, two-parent home if you needed them to. It doesn't necessarily have to be a relative; when our children were little we appointed a couple we had known for years to do the job - they didn't have to, as it turned out, but they would have raised our children with the values we wanted them to have.

Don't get superstitious about this; thinking and planning for possible death doesn't make death happen. It's impossible to control everything to make our children's lives better than the lives we had, but we can do some things that will probably help them to be better.

Well, ime, the stuff people worry about is the stuff that never happens.
O. of my close friends is battling leukemia. I'm pretty sure that in her 51 years, she never worried O. second about getting leukemia.

As for the "provider" loss aspect? Term insurance. 10-20 times his annual income. Get it yesterday!

Good luck!

When our daughter was young I worried about one of us or both of us dying and how it would impact her life. I made sure we had everything in place in case of a worst case scenario, but I was not going to live a life of fear..

I wanted her to have all of our positive attitudes and have her begin to worry.

Actually she would sometimes ask, "what will happen to me if you die?" We told her she would be cared for by..... And that we had already told them.. But we were too mean to die, so she should not worry.

As she got older we told her about how her college would be handled and how the house and stuff could be handled.

This Feb.. my business partner dies of cancer after doing any and everything she was instructed to do.. In our minds we had already made plans for her recovery and moving on. I was so stunned that she died.

Her husband is like me and still in denial and shock.. It was just not supposed to be like this.

I know we will be fine. I know we did and said everything we wanted and needed to say with each other. I cannot have regrets, but just that I miss her terribly everyday. I know it will get better.

You're not alone. And when you get older and your kids are older, it morphs from being afraid your kids will be without a parent, to being afraid that you'll be without a partner.

I think that these kind of thoughts, especially when you're lying awake in the middle of the night, when ANY thoughts with a negative turn end up being so much harder than during the day, are kind of normal. They can end up being NOT NORMAL, sure, but just having them is not something that you can always help.

I think that a certain amount is probably a bit healthy, because it can spur you to make little (or big) changes in your life. It can also help your mind prepare for it if the day comes.

Whether it comes for you first, or your husband, only God knows. However, plan for the inevitability as best you can. Then you know your ducks are in a row and you can let go of the worry somewhat.

Hope this helps,
Dawn

Worry is a motivator for most of us. And we SHOULD "worry" about our deaths, and therefore take action to alleviate that worry. We take action by having a will, and talking to family/friends about guardianship. Then our "worry" motivates us to have all the legal documents in place, and have insurance set up for our children, and a possibly a person designated to "administer the estate."

Some worry is normal and necessary!! It IS what motivates people to prepare for the future, whether it is to stock up on supplies and have a generator in case of a winter electric outage, or estate plan in the event of our death -- because both ARE possible. And how do we alleviate the worry? By getting prepared so we can then relax about it and go about our jobs of living our daily lives knowing we prepared for what we can.

As for what we can't prepare for - well, we can't, so we hope for the best, trusting in the life we have surrounded our families with.

I have thought about it and my worry is about how to keep his side of the family happy should something happen to him. I know I would go home to my parents and start from there. It would suck royally so many issues, for one I'm a SAHM, I've never held a taxable job before, who would hire me at a salary I would need to support myself and two kids?!!

I guess the solution is "one day at a time". Try not to look at the whole picture of "what if", you'll just freak yourself out, as you well know. :)

It sounds like a form of anxiety to me . . . glad you're seeing someone. Have you ever had a work-up with an integrative physician? I would want to make sure there wasn't an underlying physical reason for the anxiety.

I would also ask myself what this anxiety is replacing in my life. What would I go out and do if I weren't spending time on this? Do I have some latent ambivalence about having a family? What was my childhood like?

Just some thoughts . . . I would keep working with the therapist and if I don't make progress I would find a new one.

As I have gotten older I think about my mortality a lot. It sort of freaks me out. I'm 50 and I know that I'm closer to end of my life than I was at 20. (Barring an accident or other unforeseen event.) My fear is leaving my children. I try to not think about it.

I'm 38 and have two small children (2 and 4). I think about it pretty often, maybe even daily. I don't know that I work myself up, but it is a presence in my life.

I am a control freak. I try to control my kids' environment as much as possible to reduce risk, yet I try not to helicopter parent. It's a struggle to keep a healthy balance.

My mom died when I was 29 and that was too early. I'm sure that plays into my fears. I never got to talk to her about my pregnancies and what I was like when I was little etc. There are very few pictures of my childhood, and my dad's memory is shot.

I take a bazillion pictures of my girls and scrapbook. I feel like I'm trying to create their story in case something happens to me.

So it's not only you, but I don't know if feeling this way is completely healthy either. :) I also think I would feel better if I could find the best family to take the girls if something happened to both my husband and I. Just when I think I have it figured out, something happens to make me question it all again. We still don't have a will or trust made. That haunts me.

Good luck, M.. I can empathize.

I worry about my husband dying because I know, KNOW, that I could not live without that man, and that I would be a crying puddle of MESS, completely unable to be a good mother to my children who would be grieving as well. It's hands down, one of my worst fears.

Losing one of my children is not something I can even think about. My heart goes out to any mother who has buried her child. I can't even fathom the pain.

I don't worry about ME dying. Honestly. Death is easy. You don't have to do anything. And I know - thanks to our living will - that my children will be well loved and cared for their whole lives.

I do occasionally worry about losing my hubby. He travels a lot for work. But really, my worry there is about being able to handle everything and provide for my kids. I'd miss him, of course, but I worry more about being able to provide for them.

Either way, no, this isn't something that occupies my mind a lot.

Oh yes. Right there with you. For me, the thought of my child losing a parent was a hot button that led to serious anxiety problems. I literally could not stop thinking about it, to the point that I put off scheduling doctors' appointments because I was so sure they were going to tell me I had some terrible, life-threatening, symptom-free disease. A combination of antidepressants and cognitive-behavioral therapy have worked wonders to alleviate my constant, debilitating worry. That's not to say I still don't think about it, but it no longer kicks me into a downward spiral of anxiety.

As parents, I think we all have this fear to some degree, just as we all fear something happening to our kids. You just have to keep it in perspective and remind yourself that (a) the chances are relatively slim, and (b) if it were to happen, as painful and heartbreaking as it would be, your kids will most likely cope and be OK in the long run.

nobody gets out of here alive.
having just received a stage IV diagnosis on my mumsie, mortality is very much in my head these days.
my mom died when i was 10, leaving 5 kids from a 14 year old to an infant with an alcoholic dad. whee! we imported an english nanny, and got so very lucky to have her end up to be our little mumsie of over 40 years. so i had lots of anxiety about my boys doing without me. wasted energy. they're both adults and i'm still here!
i can't say i'm totally philosophical about it all. sometimes i worry. but the dh and i have done all the practical things to take care of each other when one pops off, and that's really all we can do. that and enjoy the bejeebies out of every day we have while we're still corporeal.
khairete
S.

Yes it has occurred to me as well. I lost a dear childhood friend almost two years ago to lung cancer. She was 45 and had an 8 and 9 year old at home. Another friend died this past March to pancreatic cancer. She was a month shy of her 39th birthday. She left behind a son that was 6. So yeah I think about it, but I can't dwell on it and I can't dwell on something happening to my kids either. Those are my two biggest fears. You say you aren't religious and that's fine, but honestly God is what helps me not be gripped in fear about this. I know he doesn't give me a spirit of fear. That is Satan's doing. When I think of such things, I simply tell myself to stop and do something or think of something more pleasant or I read the bible. It has a very calming effect on me. I am an older parent (My husband and I are in our forties and our kids are 4.5 and 3) , so it motivates me to take better care of myself too. I know it sounds cliche, but try to live each day to the fullest and don't worry about anything until there is something to worry about!
HTH,
A.

I do sometimes worry about my husband dying. We have wills and trusts, and tons of life insurance, but our sons and I love him so much, I can't imagine losing him.

The reason I worry is because he is two years older than his father was when he had his first heart attack. My husband is healthy, but my FIL wasn't terribly unhealthy either. I also think about it because 7 years ago my dad died (not related to my husband of course, but makes me think of mortality), and this year my FIL died. The men in our families don't have a history of long life. I remind myself that those men are not my husband, though, and he is taking much better care of himself and is more aware of his family history than his father was.

Even though I do worry a bit, I don't focus on it too much. Instead I cook healthy meals for my family, and we all stay active together. This isn't simply with a goal of avoiding death; they are things we enjoy. A benefit is that it is keeping my husband's heart healthy.

I am trying to do what I can to help, and not worry about what I can't. I also pray. :)

It sounds like this is a conversation that you & your therapist should explore more deeply.

I don't think you're crazy for worrying about it at all, but when the worry starts to really impact your quality of life (like, you're worrying that you're worrying too much, :), then I think it's time to talk this through with the therapist.

But really, I think that many people worry about to some extent or another. I don't think about it every day by any means, but I do think about it occasionally. I hear an interview with a woman whose own mother died when she was 7 or so, and she was the oldest, so she became the de facto mom to several younger siblings.... and she said that she lived in fear of her own children never knowing her or losing her young---because of her own experiences and her father's lack of ability to talk about the mother she never really knew.... That really touched me, and made me realize that if I or my husband died when our son was young, our son would never really know the people that his parents. Of course, I can say honestly that I'd probably talk about my DH too much, rather than not enough if something terrible happened. :)

In short, yes, I think about this stuff all the time!! More than I probably should but that's just me! And yes, I too, suffer from mild depression!!! But then, I also just recently lost three family members - my Mom, Dad and an uncle. So, death is on my mind a lot!!! BUT, what I do is just get busy and get my mind off stuff. And I totally get the waking up and thinking about it - I NEVER can get to sleep unless my tv is on (goes off with a timer) because if it's quiet then I start thinking about stuff and drive myself nuts; ok, nuttier!!! And if I wake up during the night and feel totally awake, then I turn the tv back on.

My husband has hefty insurance if something happens to him (I'm a stay-at-home Mom) but doesn't feel it necessary to have life insurance on me!!! So, what I did, since my husband never asked me about some money my parents left me, it's not a lot, but I've got it invested and the beneficiaries are my children; not my husband! So at least, I know they'll get some money if I go first. Am I keeping secrets? NO, he just never asked!!! He's the dopey type that will say, "I didn't think it was any of my business!"

As for the kids missing me? Yep, I used to think that when they were younger but now that they're teenagers, I don't think they would miss me at all or even notice I'm gone until they're hungry or need clean clothes!!! lol!!! Just kidding - I know they'd miss me but it's just something they would have to deal with. Breaks my heart but it's part of life!

My Mom had a sister and brother (both are gone!) and all of us cousins are really close and it's morbid but I think about which one of us will be first to go! There's 14 of us and I can't bear to think of losing any one of us!!!

So, to answer your question... yes, I think about stuff like that!

Sad, but true:(

Then you got it better than me.......I do bring up those same thoughts with my husband.I am 34,and he 35 but he has diabetes,high blood,and cholesterol.You are better off because we have no life insurance or will.
I think you have a form of OCD ..But I'm not a doctor.I do know that all this anxiety is holding you back,and not letting you live your life to the fullest .You and your husband are here ...So be here...your children need that
No one knows what tomorrow brings.And for all you know the two of you could grow old together and get to enjoy many grand children..