10 Year Old Afraid of Us Dying

I remember being fixated on this when I was about her age. The concept of death had recently sunk into my head, and I was really worried about losing my parents.
When I mentioned it, my mom was up front about it. Everyone will die. And sometimes bad things happen, but more than likely, it will be a long time from now. She kind of talked me off the ledge, but helped me to realize that worrying about it was pointless. I could not do anything about it, and I probably had nothing to worry about in the short term.

My DH is older than you with a daughter younger than yours. Unfortunately life is not a guarantee. My uncle died at 40 in an accident, leaving behind 4 kids, one just a toddler. What we have told DD is that we plan to live as long as we can, and we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For a 10 yr old, she might be remeasured to know that you have life insurance, and that you have a plan for her custody in the even that you get eaten by bears or something (we use examples that are ridiculous to take the edge off). My DD knows that if there is ever a reason we are not around for her, her aunt and uncle will be there for her.

Life is no guarantee, but spending all our lives worrying about what ifs takes away from what IS. What IS right now is that she has two loving parents who will do their best to be there for her.

I'm a lot older than 10 and realizing that one day key people will no longer be in my life is still hard. I've had to bury friends who were younger than me. It doesn't get easier, really. IMO, I honor their memories as best as I can with the life I have left.

This is something all kids go through (even when we are middle aged). It is probably more fearful for a child to wonder what will happen to them, who will take care of them, etc..

I think that you should talk to her about her fears and to reassure her that she will be taken care of and that no matter what you love her. My daughter is 8 and has these fears too. We talk about our faith and after life and that she has many family members that would take good care of her if something happened to us. I also remind her that her dad and I are in pretty good health so its not like we are going to keel over anytime soon. (I am 44 and my husband is 50).

Surround her with other people who love her. Those can be family members or dear friends. The whole "it takes a village" thing can make a child feel more secure. At some point, it may make sense to discuss that plans are made to care for her if something happens to you - but think about when/whether that would be right.

Show her active and involved 80 and 90 years olds - Betty White, Gloria Steinem, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and so on. Go across the spectrum of politics, activism, celebrities, neighbors, etc. Be sure she has images of the Gloria Steinem "80" vs. the nursing home "80"! Let her know you plan to be an active grandparent for her children and helping her through the tough times when her children first confront mortality at age 10. Also point out that we know a lot more about nutrition, the science of aging, epigenetics (repairing damage to cell function and gene expression), and other things to fight off the challenges of aging.

When I was a kid, I felt my parents were ancient because they were 32 and 33 when I was born. That's until I had my child at 37. And my girlfriend was 47 when she found her exhaustion to be diagnosed by her doctor as early pregnancy! I also remember being so horrified by the idea of life insurance.

I think it's a phase and she'll get through it, but that doesn't mean to ignore it. Let her know every child feels this way at some point, and that the choices people make in their teens and 20s and 30s might make some of her friends' parents even less likely to have a long life span than you. The advantage is, she can see that you have survived (or avoided) the risky teen behaviors, the "invincible 20s" temptations, and many other killers of younger people. Your smarts will guide you through your 50s and 60s and 70s just as they guided you in earlier decades. Let her know you expect the same of her.

my younger son had a lot of 'death fears' principally centered around his own but also those of other people.
i suggest you don't 'promise not to die' (how devastating for her if you die, she not only loses you but you lied!), nor give her definitive assurances. i handled this by asking leading questions and having him talk himself through it. the fears didn't disappear, but he learned how to manage them, and created some really interesting conversations.
don't try to 'fix' this. use it as a learning opportunity.
khairete
S.

I was like that at her age and my parents were young.

My mom promised to "never" die. Ha! I just needed comfort. Mom passed in November and I am 50. Still not easy.

I think your daughter is seeking reassurance. I would say "not on my to do list" right now sweetie. I'm going to be around for a long time, smile and hug her.

I think its common for kids to feel this way. My youngest has brought this up and we have had conversations. Keep the conversation open and address the fears. Its a tough subject.

I can only speak from my own personal experience. My mom had me at 41 and was a single mom. It was just she and I- my older brothers were out of the home by then. When I was around 11 or so, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. Then the fear was realized- she actually might die.
My mom was very reassuring when she talked to me about her disease, but did explain that nothing is ever guaranteed. She sat down with me and asked me what I would want if she were to get to a point where she couldn't take care of me. When we talked that all out, I remember feeling relief. I was still scared and worried beyond belief, but now there was a plan in place for the worst case scenario. I felt less alone.
Your conversations with your daughter don't have to be as dire, but it might help her to know that you understand her fears, let her ask questions, and then answer them in an honest, direct, but reassuring way. I don't think at her age that sugar coating or dismissing her fears will help ease her anxiety on this issue at all.
(BTW-My mom survived colon cancer and then breast cancer 9 years later. She is amazing!)

I remember having this fear about my mom dying when I was 10 too. My mom was 20 when she had me so she was only 30 when I first had that fear! I remember laughing about it when I turned 30..and wondering if my own children had that fear about me! And I found myself wondering if they also thought I was old, because as a 10 year old I thought she was old.

At the same time I worried that my dad might die and if he did what would happen to our family. I worried that if something happened to him my mom would be left with raising my siblings & me & since she was a stay at home mom, how would we have money, and a house, and car, food..etc, you get the idea.

I think at 10 years old your daughter is just thinking into her future. I'm impressed that she felt comfortable talking with you about it because even though I worried so much at 10, I was never able to tell my mom or any adult about my fears. I talked mainly to my friends, who had the same fears.

Good question, & I look forward to the responses.