What If You Die? He Asks Me!

Don't lie to him. That just makes it worse. Also try to soft pedal it a little bit. He's the right age for his imagination to kick into overdrive. If you believe in a higher power, bring that up. Don't be dramatic. I wish I had a great way for you to explain it without scaring him but I don't. The truth always is best, though. Good luck.

My two children are three and four and I recently went under cancer treatment, they knew that I was sick and My four year old looked at me one day and said don't worry mommy if you die I will take care of my brother. My heart broke this is something we all wish our kid's never have to go through. The best advice I can give is this sit him down and explain to him that this is a part of life but no matter what you are going to love him forever, and explain to him that god is in our lives to watch over us all

This is really something very responsible to think about. Do you have a life insurance policy? If not, I suggest that you obtain one. My husband and I have been going 'round and 'round about this, as I ask him, "What if you die; I die? What's the plan?" We are in the process right now of wrapping up a policy. We took our blood tests and medical exams. I got my results, but we haven't gotten his. But, the ball is rolling. It just a responsible decision to make as a parent.

With that, keep in mind that while kids do have great imaginations, they do understand the tangible. "Who will -love- me?" is not a real tangible thing, but the motive behind the question might really be. He might have things like the school, house, family, friends on his mind. Like, will all of those things stay the same if you die? And I think that reinforcing those real live tangible things can bring a lot of security to him over this.

At 6.5 years old, it would be perfectly fine to tell him that you've made a plan... that somethings would change. Like perhaps, he might have to move to Grandma and Grandpa's house. But, he could still bring his basket ball there. I encourage you to give him a name, a face, and tangible things to hold onto for security. And above and beyond it all... give him a relationship. Really, that's the best insurance you could ever possibly purchase. And the currency is your time making that relationship real to him, intimate, and trusted.

--OK, the preaching begins here--
This is nothing new, according to Christian tradition, we dedicate or baptize our babies and pick out God parents who are "traditionally" supposed to reinforce biblical pricipals into the child's life. In picking the God parents, they should be spiritually mature and committed to "parenting" the family in God's ways. The relationship is built over time, reinforced, and familiar to the children. If the biological parent dies, they are the ones that are there for the child to turn to with questions like "Where is Mommy?" or "What happens when we die?". You can certainly give answers now, but in crisis reinforcement is going to be vital to your little one's mental, spiritual, and emotional health. After all, how many times do we wonder about these things and ask questions.

So, my overall encouragment for you is to put the passion behind those sweet tender hearted tears into action. Get some life insurance: the kind you purchase with your money and the kind you purchase with your time.

And, most importantly pray with your little guy. Pray with him, and let him know that you are telling God who's going to be in charge of taking care of him in all the important ways here on earth. And then, pray for them also together. That God will ready their hearts, open opportunity for you all to spend more time together now even when nothing like dying has happened, and that God would take care of them, so that they can take care of him.

Just think about it... that's what your little guy needs anyways. He needs whoever is taking care of him to be taken care of by God. Do you have that in your life? Does he know that God takes care of you so that you can provide for him, make a way for him, give him the best, and just be a happy, peaceful, person. It's important for him to know that if you die, none of that will stop because God is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

God is good! ~~~ all the time.

Be sure to answer his questions briefly and honestly. He's wanting reassurance that you are not going to leave him. You can give him that reassurance without going into your dying by telling him that you plan to be around for a very long time. That may be all he needs. Saying that seemed to be all that my 6 yo granddaughter needed when she asked me if I were going to die, too, after her paternal grandmother died last Christmas. Later she did ask me more about my dying and I was honest but optimistic when I answered her. Of course I am a grandmother and not a mother and that does make a difference.

Since his grandfather is in the hospital he may want to know more about death as related to his grandfather. I think it's important to be honest about what you believe about death as well as about the possibility of his dying if that is true. I think talking about God and heaven is helpful. That has reassured my 6 yo granddaughter. But I don't think that you have to talk about God if that isn't your belief.

My granddaughter has a fleece blanket with bears on it that her grandmother used. Having that seems to be reassuring to her.

A 6 yo's mind is not developed enough to grasp abstract ideas. Their world is quite concrete. And so stick to answering his questions in as simple a way as possible. My granddaughter does ask questions about death and it seems to me that she is trying to understand the concept and is not really aware of the reality of death. And so we sometimes have general conversations about death in an impersonal manner. I mostly just answer her questions. I think these conversations help her to accept death as a part of life and helps her to be less fearful.

For now, anyway, I think your son is needing reassurance and what will help most is you telling him that you will always love him and be there for him. (I believe that even someone dies they are still with me.) And that it is highly unlikely that you will die anytime soon. He probably needs extra hugs and a bit more attention. Reading stories as suggested earlier may be helpful to reassure him about his grandfather.

It is important to have life insurance, a will, and a plan for his care if you should die but I think telling a 6 yo this info is not helpful. It's too much detail and will add to his fear.

Your question implies that your father is dying. My heart goes out to you. Both of my parents died a few years ago and it was a difficult time. Be sure to take care of yourself too.

My boys are 7 & 9 now, but 2 years ago my fiance died in a motorcycle accident & it was so hard to explain why it happened, where he went & all that! They had a cat that died at their dads & they had a funeral in the back yard for it. So I just told him sometimes things happen that we have no control over, that DJ had gone to heaven & was probably taking care of their cat & doing whatever he wants. I guess I'd just assure him you will do whatever it takes to make sure you are there for him as long as you can. That is a tough one though & he will probably forget all about the topic soon! Hope that helped some!?

Nel

My son went through a really rough period after my best friend died in a car accident, ( i also was a single parent) and it got to the point that he would watch the clock at daycare. If I was a minute late, he would cry that I died..... I just kept telling him over and over that nothing was going to happen to me (knowing very well that anything can happen) and I didn't want to make promises that I couldn't keep, but I had to make him feel better. It took a year and a half of telling him everyday, that I would always be there, and I don't know if that was the "correct" thing to do, but eventually it did work and now he doesn't worry anymore.

I'm a former preschool/kindergarten teacher as well as a Mom and I have a theory about questions like these. Kids don't ask until they're ready to hear the answer. So be honest. What are your plans if anything should happen to you? Who will you entrust your son with? Tell him what would happen so he has a sense of confidence about your ability to care for him and others commitment to do the same. Sometimes it's even a good idea to have this conversation with the person and or people you've chosen to care for your child, that way he knows that they're involved and they can express their love and commitment to him and answer any other questions he might have.

Hi C.,
From your posting, I presume that you do not have a will and plan for his care (guardian) in the case you die or are seriously disabled (coma, etc.). The best way to resolve his anxiety is to remove the uncertainty and make a plan. This is a good moment for you to consider through and make decisions about the future that we all hope never happens. Depending on the legal status of the father, he may or may not have a legal right to have input into developing that plan with you. All the more reason for you to make a plan now to avoid confusing & unpleasant experiences for your son and the rest of your family if the worst were to happen to you. Please don't wait any longer to do this. When you have created a plan for how and who will take care of him, be sure to share it with him. When he understands that you have a plan in place, he should be reassured and more confident in the present moment.

That is really hard.try to explain to him that everyone dies when it is there time. some deaths are accidental some are from old age. but tell him It is imposible to know when it is your time unless you are diagnost with sometime and you are told you have so and so days or months etc. to live. I was only 6 when my grampa died. I don't reamember a lot about it but I do remember visiting him in the hospital right before he died. I was 7 when my grandma died. I remember my brother(age 9) crying with a lot of anger and asked my mom why do people have to die.I think that is; very hard to explain to a young child but a lot of times it has to be done. maybe you can find a web sight that can tell you how to explain something like that to a young child.

It seems you are experiencing one of the toughest things we encounter in parenting; combining reassurance with truthfulness. Your natural response is to want to tell your son not to worry, your not going to die. But his question tells you that he knows better. Someday we all die. What you might say to him is something like this:
"Sweetie, I understand your worry. All living things eventually die. But one thing that never dies is love. So you NEVER have to worry that my love for you will die."

First, the way he asked the questions sounds like he thinks you're the only person who loves him. That can't possibly be true. Tell him you will ALWAYS love him, even after you're gone, but list all of the people who love him now and will still love him then.
All parents should have a plan, but especially if you're the one and only parent in his life, you probably already have a plan for what will happen to him if you're in an accident and do die suddenly. If you have a plan, I assume he will be in a home with someone who already loves him. Just explain that to him. "Honey, I'm not sick, and there is no reason I would die any time soon. But, if something does happen to me someday, your Aunt Susie and I have already talked. She loves you very much and has promised me that she will take care of you." He's only 6, but if it's put simply enough, he should be able to understand. Just make sure to emphasize the part about you being healthy and will not die any time soon.
What a sad question to have to answer. Good luck, and remember to tell him you love him at EVERY opportunity.

They offer counsling for childrenand adults to cope with situations like this...I think that would be the best bet. When my daughterwas born, she was hospitalised for 14days, and Taylor my oldest, was not allowed to see her, he had all sorts of questions.....they really do help out!!!

Not sure of your religion, butif a counsler does not appeal to you, the hospital will have different religious people they offer as well...

Sorry to hear about yoursituation, just keep in mind medical science can work wonders these days...

C.: My daughter recently lost a good friend in an ATV accident...since she has been talking a lot about death, dying, and being alone.
It's tough, huh? She was afraid that her friend would be alone...and I explained that Grandma and our cat would play with her, she asked who she would live with if I died...and I reassured her that I wasn't planning to die any time soon, she often says that she doesn't want to die or she doesn't want our dog to die...all in all I think it has changed her. She seems wiser and less inocent and carefree. That is what saddens me. Her friends and her are working thru it all but, they really seem to have grown up in the last month. My advice...keep it simple, reassure him, and let him stay nieve as long as possible.
Your local Hospice office may be able to give you some advice, there are several children's books on the subject of dying (When Dinosaurs Die), or talk to your minister. Children nturally ask tons of questions , why would death be any diferent, right? Good luck-H.

wow that is a big one and one I have faced myself --you dont want to grow him up to fast but you want him to feel secure --make sure your faith is strong and you are teaching him the same -- let him know about death there are great kids books get a fish then a hamster each usually live under a year -and are all opportunities to talk about death and how he still loves them even after they died -- be honest no hokey stories -- and talk about him being in your heart -- and you in his -I had mne close his eyes and se if he could still see me in his head and told him that was his heart picture of me --also get a will done get life ins now -- figure out who will be his guardian --all topics we dont like but they are impt also do you wnat him in a legal battle if you should die in a state home while his dad and say your choosen guardian battle it out -- no you dont of course not but it is amazing how fathers will fight before anyone else gets there kids if the mom passes away or is incapable even if it is just outta pride -- you have to think of these things and you have to because you love him more than your own life and life is temporary -take care I will pray that your mind is filled with Gods words for you to say to your son

I saw your other request about your son's frustration, and it definitely seems tied to the "loss" of his dad and the apparent "loss" of your father going in the hospital. His negative behavior is all being caused by this insecurity--it's the only way he feels he can get your attention. You are very busy and distracted, but could you take some time off of work or leave early so you're there when he's home from school? He needs some attention--once he feels more secure he will open up to you more and stop being negative. It's his only way to show he needs you--he hasn't yet learned to ask for your attention outright. Give him as much as you can, and try to let your frustrations out with your friends, family etc. It's very hard, because those little creatures test our patience, but he will do better as soon as he feels more secure. Good luck, and hang in there!