Do You Think She Spoke Out of Turn??

Well, I can't imagine what she could have possibly said otherwise. I think her response was perfect - any answer to that question would have had that result.

Well, it was kind of a poor choice of words but what was she supposed to say, was she supposed to lie? She was probably worried (about you) at that moment and felt put on the spot.
My family tends to keep things from each other too and it has always bothered me, keeping track of who knows what, remembering not to "tell" certain family members certain things. I think when you're just honest and upfront life is SO much easier.

How in the world did she speak out of turn?
You asked her not to say where you were going....she didn't.
Your sister probably said, "where is she?"
What was your mom supposed to say, "I don't know?"
Your mother did exactly what you asked of her....you didn't want your sister to know!

You're overreacting.

Totally overreacting.

Your mom honored your request, which was not to tell anyone what you were doing.

She didn't agree to keep it a secret that she was babysitting her grand babies. Which is a completely different thing.

I think your mom did GREAT.

Sure, she could have let you know your sister was grilling her about why she was babysitting, but despite the grilling, she respected & held the boundary you asked her to.

"I'm sitting the kids."
"Oh? Why?"
"She had some stuff to do."
"What stuff?"
"You know, stuff."
"What IS it? What's she doing?"
"If she wants you to know, she'd tell you. Sheesh."
"Okay, fine. I'll call her later. Sheesh yourself. So what are Thing 1 & Thing 2 doing? Anything SuperCute?"

^^^^

The above is almost verbatim from HUNDREDS of my familiy's (unburdened with boundaries) conversations during the rare times we actually lay a boundary.

I think you are overreacting. I talk to my mom most everyday, an on occasion more than once. My sister doesn't. That doesn't make me co-dependent, that makes me and my mom friends, and we like to talk. Same with your sister. So I would just be glad that your mom didn't spill the beans. I mean, what was your mom supposed to say to your sister? "I'm not sure what they are doing, and I had to take the afternoon off for that". That doesn't make sense. I think she said the best thing that she could have said, which was probably a spur of the moment thought anyway.

Okay so your sister and mother were talking and it came up that she was watching the kids. What exactly was your mother supposed to say? Considering she had a second to say anything and make it sounds like she isn't lying? So she didn't say what you were doing.

You should have told your sister from the get go and none of this would have happened.

So another vote for overreacting.

Don't feel betrayed. Your mom got caught with a question she wasn't prepared to answer. She didn't tell your sister why. She did basically tell your sister that she didn't want to talk about it.

Next time, help your mom out by not telling her why you need her to watch the kids. OR just tell her you have a check-up.

What was she supposed to say? You told her not to tell the sister, and the sister was hounding her. I think she honored your request, the best she could at the time. I'm not sure this is something to be angry over.

I think you overreacted. What was she supposed to say to your sister? And why all the big coverup anyway? Isn't family supposed to be supportive?

Not sure what else mom could have said.

Overreacting and I think you need to look at the way you feel about your mom's relationship with your sister. I talk to my mom or see her almost every day. So does my sister. This would be totally normal for it to come up in conversation. Maybe your mom is not a good liar but she shouldn't be put in that position by you either.

Overreacted. She didn't tell your sister your secret. Therefore, she held up her end of the bargain.

Very over-reacting. Honestly, your mom did what you asked, and you're mad? I'm lost.

Your mom and sister talk a lot, she asked why she was taking off work and your mom told her. Then when your sister asked why, your mom told her to talk to you. You wanted her to lie for you? Umm, no.

If you don't want anyone knowing your business, don't ask your family for help.

Also, if this conversation went down with my mom for either of my sister's, I'd be on the phone immediately asking if they were okay. But still, your mom did nothing wrong.

I am wondering why you wouldn't tell your sister what was going on. If she'd have known, you wouldn't be asking this question.

I think you are overreacting. Did you want your mom to lie when your sister asked her why she was babysitting? She gave the best answer she could while still keeping your sister in the dark just as you requested.

Overreacting. Your mom did the best she could. You sort of put her in a bad position, almost having her lie for you. (Lying by omission) I guess now that you know how your mom and sister are, you won't have this happen again!

Are we related? Because I think we share the same sister! If anything is out of the ordinary,( ANYTHING!!!!) she will sniff it out and call around until she gets a satisfactory answer. She is relentless!

I think your mom did the best that she could under the circumstances. I understand why you are so protective of your privacy, but your mom really did honor your request.

I'm glad your biopsy results were fine! :)

I could have written this post!
I recently had a biopsy done as well. I didn't want anyone to know and only told my parents not my siblings. The reason was because I didn't want a big deal made out of it. A week after the biopsy, my brother called and I could tell he knew, so I said, "did mom tell you what I had?"...and he knew. I said while I guess I can't trust her anymore. His response was, "you're my sister and I should know about these things.", supportive.

Upset, I then called my mom to tell her how upset I was with her for telling other people. MY husband thought I was being ridiculous because after all, isn't family supposed to be supportive? He was right. I ended up apologizing to my mother and I feel much better now that my family knows. So yes, I think you're overreacting but I completely understand where you're coming from. It can be unnerving and you just want to deal with it yourself, but I think it's better to let others know what's going on, especially family.

Your mom did nothing wrong and you're behaving like a control freak. If you gave your mom any grief over this, you owe her an apology.

You mention your mom and sister being codependent, but you clearly have your own weird relationship thing going on so don't throw stones.

Knowing how close your mom and sister are, you need to adjust your expectations in regards to their communication.

Well, if I was your sister, the first thing out of my mouth would probably have been, "Oh. Is everything okay?" To which your mom could have: a) lied, b) told her the truth, or c) been vague. I think your mom handled it okay. If your sister was truly worried she would have contacted you much earlier.
Please try not to feel betrayed. Glad everything turned out okay!

You are over-reacting. She could have worded things differently.

It is up to you mother who she tells what about what SHE is doing. You didn't ask her not to tell anyone she was watching the kids (no reason to not tell that). It was reasonable for her to say "I'm watching the kids today". There is nothing wrong with her saying "if she wanted you to know she would have told you" but she could have said "Suzy needed a sitter so I get to spend the day with the kids". Either way, no bid deal.

You are right, the way she worded it did certainly peak curiosity.

Your mother did NOT speak out of turn. She didn't tell your sister about the biopsy. She only told your sister that she was watching the children for you and per your request wouldn't tell your sister the reason even when your sister pressed for one.

So yes, I do think that you're very much overreacting. Your mother in no way "betrayed" you.

My gut reaction is that she didn't speak out of turn. However, she could have spoken a little differently than what she did. It isn't that she said something, it is the way she made it out---into some big secret that your sister was cut out of. That was unnecessary and rude, in my opinion.

It would have been simple enough for her to have just said something like,
"She and Bill had something they wanted to go do without the kids." IF she kept asking and asking after that, she could have nicely told her that she "is not at liberty to say more today, but will let (you) your sister call you later." It is a kinder deflection, yet is quite direct at the same time. Much more tactful than "if she'd wanted you to know..."

But what I am curious about is this: If it is SOOO well known by your mom that your sister will be all up in her business about why she was watching your kids, then why didn't she just tell you that and ask if you minded letting her share with the sister if it came up? It seems like it was an expected scenario, yet nobody planned how to handle it.

toootally overreacting.

what was she supposed to say when asked point blank, i wonder?

i bet if you're honest with yourself there is a bit of sibling rivalry going on here.

in my family i wouldn't even bother "hiding" it - they care about me and i'm never opposed to more people caring, worrying, and praying for me. "the network" is good at that. and just as soon as i knew it was nothing, they'd know it was nothing lol.

i know not all families are like that...but yes, i think you're overreacting. was she supposed to lie to her? you wouldn't ask that right? so again...what was she supposed to say when asked point blank?

It's never a good idea for family members to keep things from each other. Even when you think you're doing it not to "worry" anyone all it does is put people in awkward positions (like your mom) and create more drama, which is what you're dealing with now.
Chalk it up to a lesson learned and next time just be honest with everyone.

She did not do anything wrong really, she did not tell your sister your secret, she just told her she was babysitting for you. But, it would have been polite for her to inform you that your sister asked about why she was babysitting so you would have known to call her.

I think you're overreacting. Your mom is right. I cannot remember to NOT say something like..."When I was over at your sister's house last week watching XXX I saw this show on TV that had a good recipe"...ummmm, what? When did you watch kiddo? Why did you watch kiddo? What's going on with my sister? Why didn't she tell "me"?...and so forth.

IF mom could have just remember to not say she babysat, or mom could remember to not say anything about anything...

So I think you should have told your sister about it before it ever happened. It's not like she's a co-worker or a nosy neighbor, she's your sister. So I think you put too much pressure on mom to keep your secret.

Probably both- mom spoke out of turn and you may be overreacting a tad. But I'd feel the same way. I'm with the others- mom was in a bad spot and was stuck. She technically didn't tell your sister, though of course sister would dig with that response! My mom would do, and has done, similar things. She sucks at keeping family secrets because she doesn't want us to keep secrets from one another, she likes us to share everything because she thinks it keeps us close. Your mom sounds the same, she doesn't like the idea of secrets, and certainly doesn't want to be the one to keep them.

I'd say lesson learned, and cut her a little slack. She found a loophole. :-) Glad everything turned out fine!

I don't think she spoke out of turn, though I do think it's a wake-up call for you with regard to your mom and sister (they are pretty enmeshed with each other).

Too bad your mom didn't make up some wild story - i.e. something like you guys went to get a hotel room for the afternoon. :P

I really don't know what else your mom could have done - your sister put her on the spot.

I would be careful with Mom from now on . . .

Your Mom.. is constantly being harassed by your sister and her every move, too. She calls your Mom and e-mails her at work... ALL DAY LONG.
Can you imagine, living like that?
Ick.
Well you know they are both co-dependent.
Now you know the extent of it.

Your Mom, to me, did what she thought was the best response at the time.
She can't read your mind, either.
Nor can she, possibly watch her EVERY move and words, when speaking to you or your sister.
Being micromanaged like that, per your sister... is impossible to live like that.
Good grief.
They both have mental issues.
So, you are expecting something of your Mom, that she may not even be able to keep up or do, because your sister is so micromanaging your Mom.

Your Mom was pinned in a corner.
She replied to your sister the best way she could in a split second.
That is all it was.
Imagine being cornered like that, by your sister?
Your Mom, sounds "hen-pecked" by your sister.

I think your Mom's actions were fine. She could have given a different reason but she stuck with the truth. I also think that if your sister were that worried she would have called you. I understand that you had a moment of "Oh SHHHHH!" and you trusted your mother to be there and say absolutely nothing - but she did follow your rules she did not say why she would be gone exactly. In the future come up with a "party line" until you are ready to share with all, that is what my family does.

I think your mom handled it very well, a LOT of moms would have told the truth about where you were, adding, but don't tell your sister that I told you. Sister would then keep it a secret so as not to upset you, check back with mom to see if you are ok.
My scenario sounds more typical than yours.
So your mom could have done what she did, done what I suggested or....
what???

In a perfect world, she would have had a perfect response to being caught offguard by your sister's question, but alas, not a perfect world. My guess is she isn't so good on her feet to come up with a great, nonchalant lie, and that's what blurted out. She didn't tell, but yeah, her response left your sister wondering. But, if your sister didn't call you right away, she must not have been too alarmed, so I would just let it go.

Your mom was in a tough spot. She didn't want to tell your personal information, but she had to answer the question.

I think your mom picked a really weird way to respond. She couldn't just say you had an appointment and she was stepping in because your hubby couldn't get off work or something? I think that is so weird she was unable to skirt the issue or just give a vague response that you and hubby had an activity. Was your sister going to grill her that much? Sheesh. I'd be a little irked that she said it that way.

First off, I think your mother did right by telling her o I am here but really you dont need to know why. Yes, it could have been worded different, but hey we all make mistakes in wording things. Be grateful that your mother is not the gosseping goose and stays quiet about things that you ask her to.

Second off, if it was your sister... why would it be so bad if she knew. I know that it was one of those things that you want to stay with you, but me personally I would want my immediate family to be there for support. It would scare the hell out of me!

While your moms words could have been more delicate as in " o she is out with hubby for a while" I do believe you are over reacting a bit. She did technically do what you asked !

Yeah, she spoke out of turn. I, too, have people I notify when I'm going to be out of the office, because we correspond throughout the day. My mother is one. My (husband's) cousin is another. I get her letting your sister know that she'd be at your house with the kids, but she should have said something more along the lines of, "I guess they wanted to be alone," kinda with a shrug. The way she left it, she might as well have said, "They've got something going on that they've told me about but don't want to tell you, and it's pretty juicy."

Now that you know, don't give your mother the details before you're ready for it to be out. Family members usually think that it's okay to share Personal Health Information (PHI) or even hint at it. It's not. Even in my family, I ask if it's okay that I share certain health/medical information.

ETA: If it happened the way that Riley J outlined, then that's great. But I hope that your sister didn't ask you about it. I don't agree that family is obligated to share this stuff, and it's not a parent's place to try to force an adult child to share personal information with another adult sibling. Parents should not try to manage the relationships between/among adult children. You can still be close with boundaries.

I completely understand your perspective that it was very personal, but I think your mom honored your wishes. She didn't tell your sister what you were doing, just that SHE was watching your kids. You did have the right to feel that pang of betrayal, but take a step back because I think you are over-reacting. Your mom didn't tell her where you were or what you were doing, only what she was doing.
Glad everything worked out well. I know how scary that can be.

I think you are over reacting a little. She didn't tell her what was going on. I talk to my mom sometimes twice a day and we pretty much know everything we do. I don't think it's a big deal. If your mom had told her what you were doing after you told her not to, then you should be upset. But she didn't really do anything wrong

You are definately out of line. You actually put your mother on the spot, and I think she handled it brilliantly. If you want to keep a secret, don't tell anyone.
I would just have said I need a babysitter on this day and at this time. You didn't have to give any details.

Yes you are overreacting. Appreciate the fact that your mom dropped everything and watched the kids for you. The end.