Do You Think Its Wrong to Say This to Your Child?

I think people sometimes over-think things WAY too much!
This is ridiculous!
Maybe if you kept him in a well in the basement å la Silence of the Lambs and told him the only way he could eat, drink, play was to "make mommy happy" then yeah--damaging.
But putting on a shirt or giving Grandma a kiss? Come on. I hardly think you're scarring him for life!

It seem to me that you're teaching him compassion. He can start learning that his actions do affect other people. This is where consideration starts. I don't really think it has anything to do with his self esteem. I think it's rather sweet thatat such a tender age, he likes to make his Mommy happy.

This concern rises from the common misbelief that people "make" each other happy, which means that other people have the power to "make" us unhappy or mad (I'll bet you know people who always blame their anger on someone else). Philosophers have recognized forever that good mental hygiene is really reliant on how WE think about an event, and not the event itself. For example, losing a job can seem like terrible news or hopeful news, depending on the thoughts you have about it. The Chinese symbol for catastrophe and opportunity are the same symbol.

To teach our children that they "make" Mommy happy, sad or angry puts a confounding amount of power or guilt in their young hands. This isn't healthy for the child or for the future relationship between mother and child, establishing the possibility of emotional manipulation and blackmail in both directions. I think a lot of families go subtly off-track with this dynamic, and they don't know what happened, because it's so common that it's actually a part of our language. It's so ubiquitous, it's invisible, like air. And most of us were raised with those messages, so they come automatically, and are hard to change.

Parenting experts generally agree that a very slight but important change in language avoids this common misstep. Instead of "You make me happy when you do that," you can say something like "You sure do help me out when you get yourself dressed." Or help the child own it himself, with "I'll bet YOU feel proud of yourself when you get yourself dressed."

And, according to the lovely little book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, an even healthier approach is to quietly notice when the behaviors that meet your needs occur. Kids crave recognition and approval, and they get that from a very simple comment like "I see a boy who got his shirt on." Don't gush, but give a smile, a touch on the shoulder, a high-five or or a thumbs-up. Once this becomes part of your daily interaction with a young child (or an older child or adult, in my experience), the positive behaviors that will get noticed multiply like happy little rabbits.

For lots more information on current thinking on this issue, google a key phrase like "parenting, praise."

One other thought: as much as granny loves a kiss, I think it's wrong to require a child to give affection that isn't spontaneous and desired by the child. It's then harder for young children to decide when their boundaries are being violated by an abusive adult.

Children aim to please, but your friend has a point, though I certainly don't think you are harming your child at this young age, b/c you are not using your power and leverage and withdrawing love if he doesn't do as you say, (and b/c he's not a teenager!). But it possibly could change his motivation, as we should try and teach our children to do things out of their own will, and not having to prove themselves.

One way to reword it, is instead of saying "Because it makes mommy happy" just say, "mommy would like you to do this, I would appreciate it." Then afterwards, say, "It makes me so happy that you are such a sweet and helpful little guy!"

I read about this in Dr. Sears child behavior book and it made a lot of sense. In any case, sounds like you are a great mom.

I think it depends on how you say it. If you're trying to persuade him to do it and say "It will make Mommy happy if you put on your shirt," I think you might be a little off on that. Instead, I would handle it by saying to him AFTER he puts the shirt on, "You make Mommy so happy when you put your shirt on like a big boy." That's praising the action rather than making him "decide" or feeling like he decides whether or not you're happy.

I always used the words." I like"

I liked when you did not whine, when I told you no treats at the store.

I like when you were soft and gentle with the baby.

I like when you offer to help me..

Our daughter responded very well to this also the neighbor kids.. All of us on the block used this as 1 type of positive reinforcement.

She used to use it back on me..she once said to me. " I liked when you did not get mad at me for spilling my juice." Hee, hee.. .

I can really see both sides of this.

Consider the possibility of a slightly less direct approach like, "It makes mommy's heart so happy when you dress like a big boy!" It may seem the same, but it is slightly different. You are focusing more on what he does than on the "me" part. ;)

With that said, it is perfectly natural for children to want to please their parents. It is also a good esteem builder and behavior guide to encourage your children and let them know when they have been successful in their activities. It lets them know you are pleased and they feel accepted.

Perhaps your friend took the meaning that you were cajoling your child to do things by saying it would please you. I can see were that could be misinterpreted.

Regardless, if you are willing to ask the question of yourself, and if your child is happy and well adjusted then you really don't need to worry.

We use this often with our 2.5 yr old. I'll admit it does give me pause sometimes after I say it. But I figure there is nothing wrong with making other people happy. In fact I think it is a good thing to think about other and how your actions affect others feelings. I also tell my son when he's done something that makes me feel sad. Like when he yells at me or throws a toy at me. But I don't want him to feel responsible for my emotions and like he has to become a people pleaser. I think there's a fine line here. I'm interested to see what others say. And especially in other alternatives to this "approach."

Why do people get so touchy about the little things that other parents do? You are NOT going to ruin his life because you tell your 2.5 year old that what he's doing is going to make you happy. Children aren't so fragile, and their self-esteems aren't so fragile either. He's 2.5, he doesn't have a complex vocabulary and he's not at the age of reason yet. At THIS point in his life, what you're saying is perfectly fine. If he were 18 and you were still coaxing him with this then I guess it would be time to worry!

Children love to make their parents happy, it's the only gift they can give. Better that than "if you don't do it I'll punish you!"

If you are worried about it, use the word "proud." "Mommy is so proud of you for being a big boy!" Or will your friend think that you're giving him an inflated sense of pride? Good thing you're the mom and not her!

nobodies perfect, you cant think every little decision to death, we are human and humans make mistakes. IF telling your son that this would make you happy helps him do things i would so do it to. Its nice being able to get what you expect without hitting or yelling. Go with what works as long as it isnt violent or abusive. having a little boy that likes to make mommy happy is not a bad thing. he may grow to be a man who makes his wife happy too.

we should all be so lucky.

No, I don't think it is wrong.
I don't think it endangers his self esteem. It gives him power. Watch out for the day when he decides he doesn't want to make you happy. You're going to feel sad that day. =)
Many of the responses make good points. All give things to think about.
But I don't think it is wrong.
Facebook makes it very easy to judge based on quick comments people make---be careful what you type, or be careful who your friends are.

I think it's better than "If you don't kiss Grandma I'm gonna hit you upside 'a the head!"

Perhaps the controversy centers around the fact that later in life "if you want to make me happy you'll do this" (otherwise known as "If you loved me, you'd...") can indeed be manipulative. But at age two? I don't think so.

The suggestion that you mention your happiness after the fact might be one to consider. As he gets older, you'll want to change your approach. He'll learn that obeying Mama (and Daddy) is a good thing to do. You can be thankful and proud of what he does and how he does it.

yes, in a sense. But, if your son is not comfortable kissing someone he shouldn't have to do it because it makes you happy. Putting on a shirt is fine, but I think when we force our children to be huggy kissy with someone and they don't feel comfortable with it then it's not acknowledging their feelings. Besides, you would not want, at a later time, for someone to say, "do this (that makes them uncomfortable) so it makes your mother happy."
I tell my children (5 and 8) to do what I say because I said so...end of discussion.
L.

Your friend may have her own self esteem and need for approval issues that she needs to work out and is transferring them onto you and your son. I give my son and daughter positive reinforcement all the time. Even at 6 and 7, they think it's great when I act all happy and giddy because my ears tingle when they say "please" and "thank you". So far, their self esteem still seems to be pretty intact.

It's not wrong. Self-esteem, no matter how old you are, is based on ACCOMPLISHMENT. When you accomplish something, you feel good about your self and your self-esteem grows. So, to my way of thinking, you are increasing your son's self-esteem because he accomplishes something (making you happy, making grandma happy, getting dressed, etc.).

I don't care how old you are, you always want your parents' approval. We just learn to deal better without it as we get older!

there is nothing wrong with what you are doing!

I tell my older son that it makes mommy very sad when he is mean to his little brother, just like it makes his little brother sad when he hurts him, too. I remind him that he doesn't like it when somebody hurts him.

On the flip side, it is the same thing as "positive reinforcement" when you are praising your child for doing what he or she should be doing. It is much more positive than my desperate resort to threatening a time out at the count of three when I've had it. :)

I think it is a little extreme to have someone suggest you "talk to someone" when you are using a positive parenting approach. I was easily "punished" as a child if I even thought I had disappointed my parents, so they rarely had to do anything more extreme. I would never push physical contact with relatives (like kissing grandma) just because I think kids should always be able to say if they do not want to touch or be touched, but I see nothing wrong with letting your child know that obedience makes mommy happy. It's true. :) I praise my kids up and down when they're behaving well and tell them how happy mommy is when they're listening and being polite and patient.

You are right, children automatically seek parental approval. That is not a bad thing. God made us that way. We seek our Heavenly Father's approval, we want to do things that make Him happy. That's good, not bad.
Our parent/child relationships on earth mimic our parent/child Heavenly relationship. Keep showing him how to make you happy, just make sure when he doesn't make you happy that he still knows he's loved. :-)

I think people way over-think things and I'm amazed at how many parents give out unsolicited advice.

I dont think you are doing any harm. Making Mom happy is a good reason. It's better than saying "Because I said so". Don't worry about it.

I honestly don't know if the approach is right or wrong. Why do parents judge each other's parenting skills? Being a parent is hard and none of us know if we are making the right decisions for our children. All we can do is do the best we can and hope to raise responsible happy well adjusted individuals. Some people should just mind their business...

Good grief. I don't think your words are going to harm your 2.5 year old! If your son was a teenager and you used those words, that would be different. Like other people suggested, maybe you can change your words a bit, but don't beat yourself up over it because you seem to be a very loving mommy who is NOT going to damage her son by those words!