Three Year Constantly Asking If I Am Mad at Him

Perhaps you can say "I always love you and I am always happy with you, I just an not happy with..." and insert whatever the behavior is. Maybe try and beat him to the punch before he ask you.

Have you tried to stress that it's his behavior, not him, that makes you unhappy? Kids need to know that we always love them, even when we don't like their behavior. Perhaps saying something like "I am always happy with you and love you, and that's why I want to help you behave in better ways" will help. This conversation will likely go better if you talk to him at a time when he is calm, but still remembering a recent incident.

My 4 year old does this too! (Except that she wants to hug us while we're disciplining her.) I just tell her, "No. I'm upset with you right now because you painted the cat with your poster paint. Go stand in the corner like I told you." She cries and gets upset (good, maybe she'll keep her darned paintbrush to herself next time!), and then when the timer goes off we hug and I tell her that I love her even though she drives me crazy sometimes, and we go on about our day. If she gets out of the corner before the timer rings and says she wants a hug, I re-set the timer and she has to start all over. She learned pretty quickly!

Hi L.,

My kids are grown now, but one thing that I made really clear to them was, "I always love you. Sometimes I don't like the things you do, but I always love you." I think making the distinction between the person and the behavior is very important. It sounds like your little one just wants reassurance, for whatever reason. I love the phrase he uses--"are you happy at me." Aren't kids great? Good luck with everything.

From a 3 year old child's perspective, the purpose of time-out (or anything he does for that matter) is to make you happy. He sees the value of your love as you are the most important person in his life and that is why he asks that question. At this age, all he understands is love, care, and his needs. He has a genuine need to hear from you that you love him no matter what. So,everytime he does something that makes you mad or you do not approve of, say it matter of factly but with love and kindness. For example, please say, when you do this 'it makes me mad and here is the right way to do things, NOT 'you make me mad'. I am still angry at 'what you did' but I always love you. Point out all the things to him that he does to make you happy. Please separate the behavior from him. All he wants to know is what do you think of him. He is not bad the behavior is. He is asking the right question! During a time out, he is probabaly thinking very low of himself for making you mad and wants reassurance and positive reinforcement that he is a good person.

However, he is too young to have mastered coping skills to deal with frustration, manage his behavior, or respond to your anger. His brain is not fully developed to make the connection between a certain behavior and resulting time-out. And, I as a grown up with fully developed brain, have to agree with him and others who believe that 'Time Out' is a punishment and humiliation not a lesson for corrective behavior and it negatively affects a child's self esteem. It can only bring quick short term compliance but not permanent results. The positive discipline ways with logical consequences are more effective and boost a child's self esteem. On this issue, I highly recommend the following books:

1)How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
2)Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
3)Becoming the parent you want to be
4)Punished by Rewards
5)How to negotiate with kids
6)100 ways to raise your child's emotional intellegence

Best,
-Rachna

OH MY GOSH! This is my son and our relationship exactly!!! My son is 3 and just like this mom, every single time after time outs or a firm talking to, he will say "mommy are you happy now?", and often times I will say no and explain why his behavior has just made me upset, but then he will continue by saying "mommy, please be happy!!! please be happy!!!" until I get to the point and say "ok, I'm happy!". This is already becoming a vicious cycle that I do not want to continue. I have even tried asking him not to ask me that question, but uhhhh, yea, that is not working either. HELP!

We love the person but do not like the behavior. Much like God loves us but he hates what some people do on earth. I tell my kids, "You are a great kid, but doing what you did is not right, it is wrong, and I don't want you to do this anymore. It sounds like he needs reassureance of your love.
A good book is, "No David!" Just keep saying to him often how much you love him, like when he wakes up, is doing nice things, etc. Praise is so important and some kids need more than others. Then when you have to tell him he can not do something or he did something wrong hopefully he won't take it that you don't love him. Love the person, don't like their actions sometimes.
F.

My 3 year old son is the same way. Give him a little slack - basically he's asking you if you still love him even though he misbehaved. He also really wants to make you happy - so he wants to know if you're happy with him now that he's stopped misbehaving. It can drive you nuts, I know....but remember that he's only 3 and doesn't know how to express his emotions or concerns yet. Good Luck!

Dear Mom of Three,

Sounds like you might be using the words, “I’m NOT happy with you now”, when you are disciplining your children. As much as your little one uses the words, “Are you happy at me now”, he’s getting it from somewhere? So if you are, try changing the phrase, and keep it simple. (i.e. NO, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, WE DON’T BEHAVE THIS WAY, GO TO YOUR ROOM, etc.)

My suggestion is, as much as possible and I know it’s not always easy; don’t raise your voice too much when you are correcting your children. Being firm and following through is different from yelling.

Your three year old is a little young for DEEP explanations about this or that. The next time he asks, “Are you happy at me now”?, tell your little boy the reason you corrected him and ask him if he is happy with his behavior and can he tell you why?

Blessings……

My 2 1/2 year old asks me this too. When she knows I am not happy (like right after she peed on my purse) she asks "Mommy? Are you Happy?" of course the answer at the time is No. I think they need to be reassured what they can do to make sure that you are happy or you forgive them for what they did. I hope they grow out of it (somewhat) but stay sensitive to how others are feeling about what they have done.

Dear L.,

I apologize if this is advice that you already got, but I cannot see your other responses just now! I would say, make a BIG deal to show him how much you love him etc, and praise the good behavior when he is doing what you want: "Oh, Mommy is so happy to see you sharing your toys nicely" or Mommy is glad to hear you use your big boy words instead of whining.' Then when he is in trouble, tell him that the behavior makes you sad or angry. "Mommy is sad that you hit your brother instead of using your big boy words; We'll talk about it after you and I have a Time Out" but then don't talk about it or give him a ton of attention until after he's done his time. Time outs don't work with my daughter (who's also three), but they do with my son (and did when he was three, also), and the deal was two minutes of quiet time on the chair or the time out didn't count. Usually it's a longer time out now, but it still doesn't count until he is quiet; I usually set the timer. Obviously he knows when you are upset! Probably the best thing you can do (when you are not upset) is spend some time talking to him about feelings and how everyone gets angry from time to time but that doesn't change your love for someone (only in kids' terms). Good luck.

Like you said, he's obviously a sensitive kid. Is there any chance you're being a little hard on him? He's only three, after all.

In any case, I don't think it will hurt to say "yes I'm happy at you," if that's what he needs to hear.

Try explaining that you are upset about his actions not him personally. That might make him separate the punishment he is given for his actions smd the feelings you have for him.
Just a thought. :)

My daughter will always ask me the same thing. Are you mad at me? You don't love me any more? So, everytime I gave her time out I would tell her: "Listen, it is because I LOVE you that I give you time oput. I love you sooo much that I don't want you to turn in to a little bratty, spoiled misbehaving little girl. I want every body to see and know that you are a wonderfull little girl and that you don't misbehave. And I would continue to tell her: and if I don't give you time out you would most likely do it again and again , and possible around other people. I don't want other people to think you a bratty misbehaving girl"
That seemed to work for me, I understand that every child is different; so, hopefuly our answers help you in some way. Good luck and God bless.

I would be honest with him. I would let him know that at that moment, because of his particular behavior, you are not currently happy with him. But I would let him know what he can do to make you happy, as that seems to be a big motivating factor in his behavior. You don't want him to think that it makes you happy to punish him, right?

Your youngest sounds like my son!!! Except, nowadays, he understands he has done something wrong and will only ask me if I'm happy when something else/somebody else is bothering me. My son is 3 1/2 now. Early on, I used to not let him get to the point where I get mad. I divert his attention to something else and in that way, avoided confrontations. Nowadays, during time outs, I let him cry a good amount to get his angst out, then tell him to stop before he gets a hug from me. After that, he's on the best of behavior. I feel he is now at an age where he can understand issues. Is your son able to understand that he's done something wrong? If not, you may have to just say, "Yes, I am happy at you." Perhaps you can try telling your son that you're happy with him for stopping whatever he's doing to ask the question, but not with his behavior?

At this age, parental approval is everything! Most of the books on discipline suggest that at the end of a timeout, you discuss the behavior that got your child into timeout, then hug and tell him that you love him.

Maybe it would be a good idea when you put him in timeout to let him know that you are not mad at him, but disappointed in his behavior. Let him know that it is a mommy's job to help him learn the rules and good behavior and that you are not mad at him, but he needs to learn. If you watch and praise him for good behavior after a timeout, that might help too.

My daughter is funny...when she comes home from daycare, she will say, I was a good girl today, I didn't have any timeouts or I only had one timeout. They are all sensitive about being "good" or being "loved"! Good luck!

Would it be possible sometime when he's not in trouble to talk to him about your feelings about him and your feelings abotu his behaviors.

He's just 3 and clearly he doesn't yet understand that you can be upset about his behavior and s till love him and be happy to be his mom. Sounds like he needs this explained.

Something like "I love you all the time and I am always happy with you, but I am not always happy with your choices. It makes me upset when you make bad choices, but I'm always happy to be your mommy"

Hi L.,

I have an almost 7 yr old boy who needed that constant reassurance when he was little. That was completely different from my other kids............

I think you should continue to be "sensitive" to him, and give him the reassurance he needs. All kids are different, and if your youngest needs a little more reassurance, then so be it.

Just make sure that you constantly repeat that he is in timeout for his BEHAVIOR and not because you are mad at him. You don't want him to go through life thinking you're always mad at him.............

~N. :O)

Hi L.,

He is sensitive and picks it up from you. You have to learn how to deal with your own sensitivity and he will be able to deal with his.

He is there as a reminder to you.

Our children teach us a lot if we let them.

Relax and be patient and let him know how much you love him and all of your children every day.

You are always happy with him but when he does not behave you are not happy about his behavior that is important for him to know.

Have a blessed day.

N. Marie

Hi L.,
My therapist recommended a book about child development called The Magic Years by Selma H. Fraiberg. It is great. My daughter is a sensitive but strong willed child who asks me the same thing when she gets in trouble. I used to say "yes" too until reading this book. Now I tell her that "No, Mommy is not happy with you right now because you did (whatever the infraction is) and it upsets me when you disobey." It is important that children know that bad behavior changes how you feel about them at that moment. It is our job as parents to help them develop a strong conscience and to be honest with them. Telling him that you are happy with him when you are not is lying to him and does nothing to help him.
Sincerely,
L.