Do You Raise All Kids the Same?

So when does D. get time for D.?

You are scrambling around trying to hold everyone's schedules together, making extra money, trying to hold it all together....

One question, who does ANYTHING at all for you? Who tells you how fantastic you are for everything you do?

What's the MAN'S contibutions?

I'm sorry D., I like your posts, and I like your responses, and I see you are an open minded flexible person, and it occurs to me you are killin' yourself to make it all work, but are not taking care of your own needs.

Peace to ya Sista, I hope you give yourself a break soon!

:)

.

He was at church and got home 15 mins late for cleaning up. Really, give him a break, you are in the wrong on this one. Unless he has a history of being rude/disrespectly/out partying and always late, then I'd be fed up too.

Also, you have 2 ADULT BOYS living with you while you work 60 hours a week supporting them. There is something seriously wrong with this. Who cares if they are in school, they can get a part time job and PAY RENT or at the very least help with groceries and utilities, and the boys and your husband should be contributing to /laundry/cleaning/cooking/child care and such as well.

Sounds like two kids who are mooching off of you. You need to sit down as a family, tell them you are quitting your part time job and they need to contribute financially, or they need to go an d get their own apartment.

To answer your actual original question no you cannot raise all kids the same in my opinion. I have three very young children and even at this age I have to adjust things to fit each of them. One is very stingy and would have every single toy in the house if i didn't stop him, so his rules are different than that of our middle son who is very giving and would give his brother every toy he had and have nothing to play with... Our daughter is still a baby so her rules are different as well.
With that said, i think that the 20yr old ss, should be given some leway. He is ministering... there are much worse things 20 yr olds could be doing... and i think it should be considered his 'job' and if his job is not over at a time that he can be home at 10:30 to help you then it isn't. HOWEVER, I do feel that the other posters are right too, they should be helping so you don't have to work two jobs, and a 2yr old should not still be awake at 10:30.
When i was college (not that many years ago) I worked two jobs to pay for it and had a full time college load. The second time I was in college, I worked full-time and went to school full time and had two/three kids (last born while i was in school). I could not have done it without my husband who worked just as hard as i did to take care of our family...
I think that both boys should have some job and be helping you out with bills and with the house. I really hope everything is straightened out soon. Also, go get yourself a massage, it will help with your stress.

So does that mean your husband does not have a paying job? I think both men should be paying something towards running of household. That must be rough working that many hours and having a child that is young enough to be your grandchild.On the kicking him out for getting home after 10:30 how far is the ministry from your house?..Don't put all the blame on your step son his father your husband should be taking care of your baby also.And what did they do where they needed to be at church that late?

Why is there a difference based on pay? If this is something he loves that will further his career that keeps him out of trouble then it is just an important as if he gets a job at McDonalds for minimum wage - which it sounds like you would view differently?

The problem isn't either of your sons. And I don't even think the problem is that YOU disciplined your step-son.... different families do things differently.
The actual problem is that you and hubby are not on the same page as far as priorities and responsibilities around the home.

You admit that this will help him with his college application, yet you aren't treating that as a priority.

I agree you shouldn't have to do everything..... but can you hire someone else to help you with getting the baby to bed on those 2 days each week? Who is with the baby before 10:30 if you are working?

I agree in general that when you live in someone's house you follow the rules (period)! I also agree different kids need different things... However, at 20 and 21, you are no longer a kid, but an adult. I think it would be more appropriate to teach him responsbility by having him (the ss) - (and maybe your son too) get a job and pay rent. Then you will be able to work less? At 20 and 21, they are "adults" and should be responsible at some level - maybe there is room to talk about what that looks like... are the other options? Good luck!

At 20 and 21, if they're still living with you, they need to have paying jobs and be helping pay the bills, as well as contributing to housework. That does NOT include free child care for their baby brother, however. He is you and your husband's responsibility, not theirs. If they baby-sit, you need to pay them the going rate.
They are too old for a curfew.
Basically, once they're grown and still livnig at home, you need to stop being their parent and start being their landlord.

You are BOTH right, you can not raise all kids the same but there can be general house rules that are the same for all
I think there needs to be a better and centrally located house schedule. I also think that you are the mother of the children and it is your job since you had the baby. If your oldest is willing to help out then that is awesome but it appears your ss is not on that same train and forcing him to be involved is only going to breed resentment for all. I would have a family meeting let the family know where you need help, give dad and the older boys the same opportunity then as a group prioritize and form a game plan and family schedule. That may mean you loose some sleep on your part. I wonder if other household members feel as if you have too many expectations of them that are not CLEARLY stated and you simply assume they will follow your command (thoughts from when I was in my early 20's). I am sure that is not your intention but remember the mindset and attitude you had in your early 20's and remember that he feels when he is working with the church he is serving a higher power and that will ALWAYS come first to him.

If it's his ministry and his committment, then I think you should cut him some slack. If he's coming straight home then give him a little grace and leeway. If he's just going out with friends, then yes, I can see you putting your foot down. Even if he's not getting paid for this, it sounds like this is the direction his life is going so these volunteer hours would be the same for him as a paid job. Maybe you can sit down and come to some agreement about him being extremely quiet when he comes in. Good luck!