Do You Ever Regret Starting a Fight with a Friend over Something Small?

Well I haven't actually seen the post you are referring to but I was on the other end of this recently and OUCH! My friend got really upset with M. about something I actually didn't do, it was a true misunderstanding. She came to M. angry and then I blew up at her and we had a big ole fight over nothin'. She came back and apologized and I forgave her and I apologized for overreacting about it, but we aren't the same. We haven't talked since and it was all over absolutely nothing...so sad. I know I could call her but I feel I never know if I am going to make her mad without even knowing or meaning too and she could call but I don't know what makes her hold off. So yeah, I agree that sometimes in friendship more grace and less offense is the best way to go.

To answer your question: No. In my opinion, a friendship too tenuous to take a little honesty or at least the occasional hiccup while we sort through something and find what's best for everyone involved.... well, that kind of friendship is frankly not worth my time. I am not interested in "Fair weather friends" or essentially paying for the honor of hanging out with someone, whatever the form of that payment may be. Every relationship needs parity. Sometimes it's difficult to reach, but so worth it when you do. We all need to feel like we are worth fighting for. Our own needs, our comfort, that of our children.

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First off, stealing is not a small issue, and even kids jeans run $15-20 bucks a pair. I could not afford to have my "friend" steal them on a regular basis. If she is a real friend she is not going to get mad if you ask for your child's things back. J. because someone chooses to spend time/money driving to someones house does not give them the right to than take things from that person. It may be a small thing to you, but for M. it would be a big issue. It is hard and expensive to keep two boys in decent cloths, and I would be mad if someone kept taking them.

I have done something that was meant to be trivial that put a HUGE strain on my longest friendship and I have regretted it ever since :(

My BFF and I do not live in the same state anymore. We met our freshmen year of HS and our now approaching 34...we have continually talked and kept in touch all this time. Never missed to acknowledge a b-day and have both traveled more than once to see each other over the years. She married a man that is a self proclaimed communist and is one of those guys that pushes his opinions on EVERY ONE...I never liked it or him (always thought she could do WAY better, she is such an AWESOME person) but NEVER said anything about it. Well during the last presidential election they were SERIOUSLY campaigning for Obama...and I hadn't heard from her in a couple months, so I sent her a quick 'what's up e-mail, call M. when you get a minute' kinda thing and didn't hear back from her? Then come election day she sent M. a e-mail reminding M. to vote! I sent her an e-mail back (trying to sound light heart-ed but I guess it didn't come off that way) essentially saying 'Hello? Haven't heard from you in FOREVER and this is what I get? A generic e-mail reminding M. to vote? What's up with that? J. so you know, I voted'.... And then b/c my feelings were hurt (I think) I added in a lil' quip about 'not everyone needs to be told what, when or how to vote and if you don't know it's election day and that you should vote, should your vote really count?'~~~Needless to say, we have NOT been anyway near as close as we once were.

I wish so bad I had J. kept my big mouth shut and either ignored the e-mail or only answered back 'I voted'...and then waited for her to become less busy and call M. when she wanted too.

One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn to date.

She doesn't have to ask for her own clothes back in a nasty way.
And I seriously doubt that ANY reason (gas used for trip, frequency of said expense) justifies TAKING someone else's stuff!

If I had "other stuff" going on in my life causing M. to forget that I had taken someone's things, I'd probably welcome the reminder so I didn't have to remember O. MORE thing (returning the clothes).
And if she's doing it from a sense of entitlement, then she needs a reality check.

I mean--I agree with you *overall* about thinking twice before pi$$ing off a friend, but in this example, I cannot imagine any valid reason for this friend TAKING the others kid's clothing! And I don't think SHE is being a good friend.

But I can honestly say "no" I have not "changed" or "ended" a friendship over something trivial. And I have spoken my mind over a few things (I know...hard to imagine) but it's never been a friendship deal breaker.

I understand what you're saying. I will say though that the most helpful thing about this site is that there are usually so many responses that they highlight things I may not have thought of etc. If people use responses without continuing to think for themselves, that does seem dangerous. But I know I use them as food for thought and that way I'm making sure I'm not only seeing my POV. So hopefully in the end, it helps maintain friendships more than hurts them.

I get your take on things but honestly if this was a real friend she wouldn't be helping herself to her friend's son's clothing every visit and not returning them. There is really no need to fight about this between the friends and there are many ways to handle this situation.

Friendships change J. like we do through time. It's okay to loose friends and gain new friends, such is life. Sometimes we have the same goals and ideals and mindsets and number of children and sensabilities and other things. We have many things that can keep friendships together and some things about us J. tear friendships apart.

We live, we learn and we should grow but that isn't everyone's story some people stay immature because they don't want to or J. don't see the need to change and that's okay too.

Hi, Jen:
If you felt bad about the situation, you had remorse. Did you apologize for being hurtful?

Compassion is about feeling remorseful and apologizing. It is not about being right, it is about a compassionate feeling towards others.

If you haven't forgotten about the incident, it is time to make amends.

Good luck.
D.

Let's put it this way. The friends that are true friends can take M. as I am or leave it. If they can't handle honesty and would rather everything be sugarcoated while I'm J. there as a yes-man sounding board, then they've come to the wrong person. I'm not cold and heartless, and I do take feelings into account, but true friends aren't afraid to work things out.

My best friendships have held up under the worst of circumstances no matter whatever has been said or done because we have open communication. Those friendships are few throughout life. So when a friend of mine that I'm blunt and honest with does the same for M. I take it seriously because they're good and honest people.