Do People Intentionally Try to Hurt Others??

I think most people here really want to be helpful and may not realize how their answers come across.
But there are those who think it is cool to be "snarky."

I will admit that I gave some rude comments the other day. I went home and thought about it and really felt bad. I try to just skip the ones I don't have something nice/helpful to say, but sometimes I guess I'm just in one of those moods and can't help myself.

I do apologize to any and all that I have been rude/harsh to.

Your question comes up every so often. Sometimes it's written as a rant, sometimes in earnest (like yours), and sometimes as a way of saying goodbye to the site.

A while back, a mom here asked if MP had lost its focus, and talked about it in kind of the same vein as you are, with a bit of a different spin on it. She said goodbye to the members, and she got some really rude responses, some along the lines of "don't let the door hit your butt on your way out" and some who seemed to want to slam the door on her and bust her head open. (Graphic, yes, but an apt description of what some of these people say.)

So yes, I do think that there are people who actually try to be hurtful.

There are also a few "trolls" here who come in like a kamikaze force and stir up a hornet's nest. That's when there can be some real scathing remarks. However, I don't know if I think that's called being "mean". The real trolls love that, and I think that's why some of the posters write that way. However, the trolls who make up stories, get people to give thoughtful responses and make them care about their problems, and then in subsequent posts are found lying about all this stuff, usually get very little sympathy. (I don't blame the upset posters, quite frankly. There are too many women here with REAL problems and it's disrespectful for trolls to make up stuff in my view.)

Some people seem to just want to knock some sense into someone who can't seem to see the forest for the trees. There's a way to do it that's less hurtful - I guess the degree is subjective, according to who is reading it.

Anyway, I haven't gone back to read any of your posts to see if I can see what you might be talking about, but I sympathize with what you say here. It will be interesting to me to read your thread and see if anyone who writes to you seems to be doing to YOU what you are talking about...

Dawn

There are degrees.

I do think there are a few moms on here who will post a totally rude, non-helpful comment on purpose. If not on purpose, then at least not knowing that their personality is crappy, or not feeling the answer should have been in the spirit of helpfulness to begin with, or they're just bashing the person for posting for whatever reason. I had one answer to question last week (it was pulled but I didn't report it, someone else did) where the person said nothing but basically "shut up and stop posting your stupid nonsense, you're stupid" to a legit question that no one else had a problem with even if they didn't agree.

Others just have a "tone" that's harsh in print and not very thoughtful.

Others haven't gotten the knack of SKIPPING posts they don't like rather than snarking on them.

And others are well-meaning and have no idea how their posts come off.

But the Majority of ladies posting are sincere, smart and very interesting in their various responses, which is why I stay.

Also, it comes in waves, sometimes there's ONE wackadoo rude answer in EVERY question, sometimes there aren't any for a while.

But yeah, some people are jerks for sure. I think everyone has been bullied on here at least once by some of the regulars if they post questions regularly.

I totally know what you mean, and the same thing has been on my mind. I really think there are people who are cranky, feeling down about something going on in their world, come on here to distract themselves, and end up putting others down as a way of padding their own egos. I've even seen posters "laugh" by posting "hahahahahaha" to a completely serious question. I mean, come on. I have been hurt and offended myself, even though I try to remember as some have pointed out that this is anonymous, and the people answering are bringing their own biases, personalities, levels of intelligence, moods, etc, to the table when they read and answer. Personally, I try to focus on answering the question that was asked and not assuming that I know the person inside and out based on one paragraph she wrote. I wish everyone would remember that, but that's life I guess.

Opinions are like noses...everyone has one...

this is the written word. You can't hear my passion. You can't see my body language. If you don't like what I am saying - you will read it as snotty, snarky, etc. if you like what I'm saying - you will read it with a smile.

Yes. There are rude people. They are everywhere. I've been accused of being rude on here. But on the other hand, I've had people sent me private messages telling me they love my advice...or even posting such...I do the same for others on here as well...there are some on here that i have developed great relationships with...some on here I can do without...nothing is ever perfect and nothing will ever be the way YOU want it...

What I think is honesty...you might see as rude or hurtful. I don't say anything on here that I don't want my kids to read or would be embarrassed if my mom read it...

Some on here are REALLY sarcastic and I wish I could be a tad more sometimes...I've tried it and people didn't understand it...there are some people on here that are "bleeding hearts"...you will find a touch of EVERYTHING on here...take what you need and leave the rest behind...

yesterday was a crapper day for me and for a lot of people around me. i don't know why, but i felt it too, i agree with you!

we all have bad days, we all have issues that hit our buttons, and we all reply with less-than-compassion at times. seriously, if you really think someone is being oblivious, deliberately blind, or supremely selfish, sometimes it's really hard not to reply with a catty, snarky remark. i TRY, i really do. i have learned the hard way that as often as i can say "seriously?" in a response, no matter how deserved, there is always someone who can PM me with 100x more venom. and THAT is deliberate. so i try to be very diplomatic on here. but we all have off days.

the hard part is ignoring the nastiness when they take it to pm. but that's the only way to get away from it. the more you engage, the worse it gets. so you really just have to take the high road.

People answer how they answer. I answer the same as I would in real life to anyone asking, you can not controll the answer nor are you fully aware of the intent. I find that the time of day helps to dicatate the "tone" of people's answers as well (my interpretation of their tone at least) and you learn how people answer. I know who will have a snarky undertone and who is asll sugar and spice and I know who's answer(s) to look for and who's to skip or just glance at as I have learned many personalities over the years. I have had to stop answering at 1 am b/c I find myself to be shorter tempered and more sarcastic. I answer more rationally when I am a cup of coffee in and food in belly. I find that when some people get off work or it is the last few hours of work they are a bit touchy and irritated vs after dinner when the kids are in bed. So, take things such as personalities and times in order I find less offense by "special" answers.

sure. but not often. i think it's far more prevalent that people anticipate very specific responses and get bent out of shape when the responses don't fit their preconceived notion. and an awful lot of people get 'hurt' by anything other than 'you are wonderful and doing everything perfectly.'
i know some delightful souls try to pre-emptively figure out all the possible emotions and motivations that everyone else has and work around them. some of us just answer the question as it's written and respond to that.
i'm glad there is the wide spectrum of personalities here.
khairete
S.

yes. I believe they do. I have read a lot of responses on here. Not just my own questions and sometimes I feel like the person is intentionally trying to play devils advocate. I think it happens a lot on here. very few on here will make assumptions and twist your question, asking, "I don't understand what your question is." as things of that sort that make you feel like a dummy. it is all in how you word your question I think. I think you need to be as honest as possible and when you just want support and not criticism ASK for it!

I think it's a combination of things going on. Some answers are very blunt and straight forward, even harsh. Other times they are misconstrued, as is the question. Oh do I know that to be the case! You'd better explain every detail sideways and backwards to avoid an answerer misunderstanding your true intentions. I don't think anyone intentionally tries to hurt anyone though, just everyone has different styles and opinions and ways of expressing them. And people most definitely don't take the time to thoroughly read and comprehend a question.

Here is the thing that at least I believe people don't think about, have you ever considered how a question may hurt people?

I am always amazed when people jump to the questioner's side when clearly the person who answered was hurt by the question. Then you get the useless if you don't like the question pass it by. How do you do that when someone holds an opinion that hurts.

I don't think anyone here every actually tries to hurt, not the questioner, not the people answering. It is just there are two sides to the coin and I think if the question hurts the person being hurt has every right to point that out, sometimes in a less than nice way but the intent is to defend your opinion.

Yes, I think sometimes some people do try to be hurtful, and I think a lot of times, people don't want to put in the effort to be nice. But I have also once or twice had someone react very negatively to advice that I wrote in earnest and didn't think was in any way offensive, so sometimes it can be difficult to tell the tone or the intended meaning of a written answer.

I think that people might be more blunt or "rude" because they are sitting in front of a computer instead of face to face with a friend. I agree I have read some just mean responses. Like if people think your question is dumb or whatever they will comment and say that. If you don't like a question, then .... skip it.

This site is primarily driven by women. With the exception of the few men we have on here (who tend to give some pretty solid answers btw), you can figure that at least half of the responders to any given question have PMS, are stressed from caring for the kids, have marital problems, work problems, friend problems, family problems, are sleep deprived or are just having a really bad day. Not everyone's writing skills are good enough to answer a question, provide an opinion AND deliver the message in a kind, loving way. Having said that, there's a small percentage of people who really might not give a hoot as to how they come across because we're all pretty much anonymous on here anyway. Gosh, hope that didn't sound too snarky - lol.

I think most of the time it's just the way the written word comes across. We can't see or hear it so that makes it a little hard.

I don't think anyone intentionally tries to hurt anyone (perhaps the trolls, but that, I don't think, isn't even to hurt anyone---just to stir something up for kicks). I can guess which post caused you to ask a question like you have posted.

I would say, in light of that post earlier, that most people tend to get a bit more blunt when the poster seems clueless about an underlying problem that seems plain enough for everyone else to see. In other words, the first few responses might be worded with more trepidation, but as the responses stack up (and EVERYONE seems to see the same thing, EXCEPT for the original poster), people start "feeling" like 'the original poster must be dense, so I'll be blunt so she can't miss the point'. Not to be mean. Really, I think it is more of an effort to be kind, actually.
The idea is to HELP. So getting someone to open their eyes to something they can't see otherwise IS helping.
But, I can't speak for anyone else's motivations, nor can I say positively that everyone sits and thinks through what I just described. I think it is just a reaction that people have, subconsciously, after reading several like-minded responses, to feel like shouting "HEY, we all see something you aren't seeing!".

And, with that post in mind (the one I think got you started with this line of thought), I would point out that suggesting counseling isn't mean. It is a way to address dysfunction. And the poster admits the family is at least somewhat dysfunctional by making the comparison that some are a "lot more" dysfunctional. The thing is, she is not able to be subjective about how dysfunctional things really are, because she/they are IN it. Which is probably why so many suggested counseling with an objective counsellor.
She went on to defend her situation by saying her husband was fine with it, but the rest of us see that as more dysfunction. Not trying to be mean--trying to inform.

Just my take.

What you find hurtful, I may not. What I find hurtful, you may not. I might not mean something in the way you read my answer. (I mean you, in a general sense.) In general, I think people are a bit too sensitive...personally. Perhaps, I'm just really not sensitive. People are different. Their sensitivities, thresholds, and feelings are different. There is no baseline for what is "nice" and what is not. Nice feels and reads differently, for everyone.

Opinions, are just that. I think what REALLY needs to happen on this site, is people take what they want. Leave what they don't. Don't take anonymous comments on the internet so personally. If someone walks away feeling like a crappy person, THEY allowed themselves to feel that way. I'm not going to allow someone's opinion (especially, someone who doesn't truly know me) color how I feel about myself. No one else should, either. The point of this site, is to gather OPINIONS. If one participates in that, they must accept that some won't be appealing.

NO, I don't think there are many people who intentionally try to hurt others. As a general rule, most people are pretty good. I can truthfully say, I have never tried to hurt someone here. I bet there are people who disagree with that statement. I would scratch my head wondering, why they were hurt by what I said. Difference of opinions and sensitivities, you see?