Do All 3Yr Olds Act This Way.....

Hi, my son is 3.5 and has tried this - and in the heat of the moment, it's sometimes hard to remember but You're The Parent! You should not accept being spoken to by anyone like that and letting you're son get away with it is reinforcing this bad behavior. What I did when this started was quietly say "please Do Not speak to me in that manner" then I took him to his room and told him he had to stay there until he apologized to me - and I left the room. There was quite the screaming, crying drama for about 15 minutes, but I stuck to my guns - if he tried to leave his room, I just carried him back - I didn't say a word except to ask if he was ready to say "sorry". Took a few rounds, but he got the idea and said sorry - afterwards I tell him he's a good boy, but he has to not yell at Mommy.

If it's the situation where he's demanding I do something, insead of saying "please" or asking nicely, I just say "I can't hear you - I can't hear you" pretending I can't hear him, until he says "Please - ......and then whatever he's asking for." then we both usually end up giggling. Hope this helps!!

My 4 year old went through this (thankfully she has stopped) and currently my almost 3 year old is going through this - both are girls. I know how hard it is to keep your cool, but you have to. What I have done, with a freak out like this, is repeat what it is they want in a loud voice, but not screaming just so they can hear you and until they do hear you. So you would say," You want your candy from Grandma'a house" over and over. Once he realizes that you understand what it is that he wants and empathize with him, he should calm down. And then you can explain your plan of action or help him find a new solution since you will NOT go back to Grandma's. Don't give into the demands, just help him be heard. When they are this out of control, I usually don't get too caught up in the pleases, shouting, demanding or proper way of speaking until later when he is calmed down. He is just trying to be heard. Think about how powerless he is and how little control over his life he has. I agree that it is never okay to scream or demand things, but you can revisit that issue once he is all calm otherwise he will never hear you.

I don't know if it is different for girls than for boys, but my first one got out of this phase in about three months. My second, who is waaaayyy more stubborn, is just starting this, so I'll see how that goes.

Hope that helps & good luck!

in answer to your question, I'd say that yes, all 3yr olds act that way at some point.

When my dd gets upset about something it is very hard to for her to always remember things like "please". She is a spirited girl and has really big emotions. Like another poster mentioned, we won't really get anywhere if I focus on that at that time. What I'm hearing when my dd is talking like that is that she is not feeling like she is being heard or understood. So I try to validate her feelings until she calms down. "I hear that you want to go back and get your candy. You sound very frustrated. You really want to go back and we can't." Basically just stating the facts so she knows I am hearing her and understanding her. Doesn't mean that I'm going to "give in". But when I validate her, she gets through her emotions and we are able to move on. Then later once everyone was calmed down I would talk about it. We do a lot of talking in the bathtub :), I would talk about how it hurts my ears to be talked to that way and that it makes it hard for people to want to help her when she does. I would ask her if she knew what a better way of talking was, etc. Then everyone feels like they've been heard and understood.

Another thing I would look at is my own mood, tone of voice, and word choices. I know on an off day I may be a little too demanding myself and not modeling how she should behave all the time. So I know if I can't control my words 100% I can't expect a 4yo too, kwim? So I try to be understanding.

You'll get through it, I bet she just needs to feel heard and understood. Sure there will be many outbursts, but with caring leadership she should learn how to manage her big emotions.

I don't have any advice for you, but all I can tell you is that my almost 3 year old son (he will be 3 in March) acts the same way. Very bossy and demanding. Glad to hear that I am not the only one with a boy like him.

Hey M.. I just want to say first off that I feel like I'm in almost exactly the same situation with my 3-yr-old girl. It's hard to be somewhere in between yelling back at them and being like another message poster on here, who wrote (as I often feel): "I am a pushover - HELP!" The one piece of advice I have found most helpful (and I think it was from Dr. T. Berry Brazleton -- I absolutely love his books) was this. Say no once and then do not discuss it further. Refuse to engage in reasoning or negotiating or wheedling... just say no, mean it, and do not discuss. I constantly have to remind myself of this... as recent as last night, when she demanded to hear yet another book, past bedtime. She too is suddenly *very* demanding and bossy! If it's reasonable, I ask her to ask more nicely and I'll do what she is asking; if not, I try my best to say no and stick to it. I hope this helps. I understand!

I take care of my 3yr old nephew and he is almost exactly the same way. I usually try to distract him with something else. When it does get out of hand I usually give him a time out to let him calm down. It is hard for them becuase they are just starting to understand the world around them and boundries and rules need to be set so they know what is right and wrong. There is a right way to express emotion and a wrong way. They just need to learn.

Hello,

I also have a 3 year old that will be 4 in May. I deal with the same thing that you are dealing with. The only thing that I tell my daughter is that until she can talk to me nice then I will not talk to her. Sometimes it is very hard but it works in my case. She is a red head and she is demanding. She has a new thing that she does when she has to pick up her toys. She tell's me to do it because her hands hurt. Sounds so cleaver but she soon found out that it does not work because when I pick them up I put them in the trash. I have tried every thing and she still does as your son does but I try my best to ignor her when she demands. She is now starting to use please. I think it is a phase but you also need to let him know your boss and not give into him. In the case you were talking about with the candy I feel he won if you bought him candy why at the store. I would of not bought any candy so he would of known that it was not nice to talk and demand mommy to do things and because of this he would not get any at the store and would of had to wait until he went back to grandmas. Good luck!

My little 3-year-old gets like this as well, and my friends with sons have experienced the same thing. I've read and heard that this is actually the toughest age with boys (as opposed to 13 with girls). Of course not all boys are like this. One of my friends' sons never went through this thing. But most of my friends with little guys agree that 3 is much worse than 2!

Hang in there. My guy is turning 4 at the end of March, and his behavior is suddenly improving a lot. I definitely do not always maintain my cool, but he seems to react the best when I do. If I am totally calm (BREATHE!!), get down to his level, look into his eyes and talk to him, he seems to get over it. Sometimes if I joke with him he gets over it, but sometimes that makes him angrier!! The things that made it worse:
1 - Giving in. If he doesn't ask nicely, don't give in!! I know it seems easier at the time, but I think it extends this period of transition for them!
2 - Not being consistent. Stick to your guns! If you say no, mean it, and stick to it. He'll learn so fast that if he just yells at you for one more minute he'll get what he wants.

And give yourself all the space you need. If his behavior is getting to you, put him in his room or let yourself go to yours for a few minutes to breathe. Then you can manage better.

Good luck. I know this is so hard!