My husband and I have been married 6 years. He came into my life when my daughter was a couple years old. My problem is he has anger problems (none physical) he is also easily annoyed by things EX noises that are reoccuring and not his own noises....so when he is making the noise he doesnt seem to notice (eacting chips...noise doesnt bother him when he eats them but does bother him when I eat them, same thing with typing on the keyboard...etc...) ALso it seems like things have gone from all my way to all his way. He hasnt verbally said it all needs to go his way but it seems like if i disagree he gets annoyed and says "do what you want". When I disagree he is in attack mode and when I try to talk to him calmly he laughs if he doesnt agree and calls me names. It has gone from not engaging in an argument to me not engaging and him attacking me and calling me names. Calling me names seems to have gotten easier for him when we argue. I have mentioned marriage counseling and he wont do it. He has called me names etc... soo many times that I cant even look at hime the same way anymore. What do I do? I want things to work out and he seems to want to aswell but seems to not want to do anything to make things work like counseling or anything.
Also how do you talk to your husband about his anger problems, and that he either gets counseling of some kind or your heart cannot continue,when the reaction to the talk is what worries you? Not afraid of physical fight but you just dont want him to lash out. ANNDDD if he does just say "well I guess that is what you want" meaning divorce...what would you say back? How do I talk to my daughter about this? FYI he is not her biological father although she calls him daddy and is all she has known as far as a father figure.
His bad behavior has been escalating ---- soon the name calling will become hitting. Time to start packing and move out.
You need to go ahead and make an appointment to work with a counselor. If he asks why you are doing tell him "I am not happy with how I am being treated, I want more out of life" then walk away.
1. He will start thinking about it and might change his mind if for nothing more that to see what you are saying. His curiosity about what your are doing might temp him into going too.
2. It will help you rediscover your strengths and find yourself again. It will help you see things more clearly. You might find that it's something workable or not. It will help you for you.
If you don't work out some compromises you may end up divorced. If that happens you will have to go to work full time if you don't work now, so getting an education and getting ready to be in the work force is a goal.
If you do work you'll need to make enough money to support yourself and your children. You most likely won't get any spousal support or child support, or your kids if you are not financially able to provide for them.
Your life will change. Either way you should make it change to a life you enjoy and feel good about.
Get counseling for you. You need to stand up to this guy. Name calling is no way to treat anyone never mind a spouse. You don't allow it on the playground. Why would you allow it in your house.
If he won't go to counseling, you might get your ducks in a row and get out. You don't want your daughter to think that this is the way men should treat you...
LBC
I would go to counseling myself to figure out what attracted me to this type of person. And if he won't do anything to make things better then I wouldn't continue to allow my child to be exposed to that type of behavior. I'd get out of the situation first. If you have children together it's going to be tougher.
JMO.
he sounds extremely immature. the fact that he won't tolerate behavior from anyone else that he exhibits himself (eg the eating noises) is a big red flag for a narcissistic personality.
and name-calling is something most people grow out of in grade school.
i'm not sure why you feel he wants things to work out when you're not allowed to have a voice and he won't go to counseling.
go yourself. you need to learn how to define boundaries, and soon. this is not the model you want to give your daughter as she grows up and seeks her own relationships.
khairete
S.
Two books that might help you see your situation more clearly are "The Verbally Abusive Relationsip" and "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans.
This sounds so much like my husband. Nothing changed until I was ready to leave. At that point my husband had a complete meltdown and realized that he had to change. He is now on medication to stabilize his mood and control his anxiety. Evidentially, his inner feelings of being out of control led him to try to control things on the outside. Talking and counseling did not work for him until he knew that if he did not change his world would crumble around hi, at the time, I felt that I was taking a big risk, but it was the only thing that ended up saving our marraige.
My husbands entire family has issues with noises..food, keyboards, clocks, etc. that's a sensory thing and can be dealt with. Name calling and tempers are not okay, I also suggest anger management or counseling. Pm me anytime, it's all unfortunately too familiar for me as well :/
It sounds like his anger needs to be managed by a trained therapist. If he won't get help then perhaps you need to move on?. Name calling is really so childish. If the two of you can't fix the problem then you have to get outside help. Period.
Good Luck
I would just get divorced. Some things cannot be fixed. And you can't help someone if they don't want to change. My husband can be rather difficult. Over the past few years I've learned how to manage him. But if he ever steps over boundaries (name calling, etc) he gets put into his place. It sounds like the dynamics of your marriage have changed, and you sound ready to move on. There's nothing wrong with being selfish to improve your life sometimes. Good luck. (P.S. I would leave my husband asap if he became abusive like that.)
This sounds just like my ex husband. He to this day has always loved my daughter as his own (she is not his biological daughter) but he was just like your husband. I gotta tell you when i finally left it was like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. yes i was sad and all for awhile but now after 10 years he has not changed a bit and i thank God i dont have to deal with that anymore....I'm much happier now. you will be too in the long run and so will your daughter!
Sounds like my exhusband. He really hurt me verbally and the best thing I ever did was divorce him. If he's really hurting you think about getting one.
I don't agree that so many that tell you "Just get divorced". Obviously something needs to change. Maybe write him a very long letter explaining everything that your feeling and what it is you see him doing (and not doing) that is causing you to not love him anymore. Ask him what it is that he would like to have happen in this relationship. Remind him that your "husband and wife" not roomates and give him specific examples of some of the things he does that make living with him on a daily basis difficult to bear. Maybe record some things to show him first hand so he can see it for himself and ask him if this is how he really wants to be treating you and your daughter. Ask him what he is willing to do to try to make the relationship better. Ask him if there is something going on with him that maybe you can help him deal with. But express to him how this can't continue to go on and that you ARE committed to your marriage first! Express that he is important to you and the name calling is extremely disrespectful. If he still refuses to do ANYTHING to try to help the situation tell him he's leaving you no other choice but to separate. You still don't necessarily have to divorce yet, but make him realize he can lose everything by being complacent. Is that what he wants. Also try going to counseling by yourself first. Show him you are willing to try. Sometimes getting couseling for yourself will help you find a better way to get through to him. But so many people just give up so easily. Like marriage is so disposable. Even tho you are not the one with all the issues, other than suggest counseling you haven't done a whole lot yet either, so find a way to communicate to him(and not during a heated argument) and see if you can get through to him the seriousness of the problems before you fall out of love with him. Get couseling for yourself. Its hard taking that first step towards couseling, but if he sees your putting in the effort then he may eventually join in.
