Divorce, Autistic Child, Advice

He is the kind of man that will never divorce. Why?? Because he will NEVER marry again. This keeps him safe and gives him the perfect excuse.

I have a child with s. needs and is giving u the run around.

One thing is certain.....
He is in no hurry to get a divorce. Maybe he's waiting for his special needs child to become an adult. At that point in time, the special needs child would qualify for his own income and medical care through SSI. Once there are no minor children left in the home, the issue of child support no longer applies. He can still keep the child on his health insurance as a dependent if he divorced now, but it may be cheaper for now to have the entire family covered. The wife could continue coverage under COBRA, but the premiums are astronimical. There are tax advantages to staying married on paper as well.

I'm not defending him. You've been dating for 3 years now and if he were delaying his divorce for financial reasons, you'd think he'd be open with you about that so you could make your own informed decisions as well.

I, personally, would not continue a relationship with him if your goal and dream involves marriage and a man devoted to you. It's been 3 years and it would seem this man you've cared about is not available to give you that.
He's married. He's not in a hurry to change it. He's not available.
On one hand, not enough men do right by their kids and their ex-wives. My ex is a shining example of that. On the other hand, this guy should be completely honest and up front with you about what his intentions are, especially after 3 years of dating you.
You could be waiting another 3 years, or longer, to learn that getting a divorce may never be a priority for him.
You need to have a real heart to heart with him. You can't pressure him into getting a divorce, but you have a right to know where you stand.
And, YOU have a right to decide how long you are willing to wait for someone who is still married.

I wish you the very best.

I have a son with autism and I know a thing or two about divorce proceedings -- not an expert mind you, but enough to know that I have never heard of this thing that you call a "special needs divorce". I can't imagine how your boyfriend's divorce would be different than any other where there are dependent children involved. The court would probably require him to maintain insurance for his children and he would have to pay child support and most likely spousal support as well. Because of his son being on the autism spectrum, he may have to pay a bit more than usual perhaps, depending on whether or not there are any special care, therapy or accomodations that the parents have to pay out of pocket. It seems to me that the court would determine what is reasonable and necessary and enter an order based upon that.

I hate to say it, but he's offering up a lot of excuses. I think maybe it would be best for you to move on. I'm just thinking that maybe he is thinking it is less expensive for him to remained married than it would be to finally get a divorce and have to pay his wife and children more because the court is ordering him to do so. Just a suspicion that I have . . .

This guy is full of it. It is very very common that the children are to remain on his health insurance after the divorce, and of course she can get money through child support and even spousal support. Nothing has to be recalculated before he gets a divorce - it is calculated during the divorce in order to figure out what he needs to pay. Tell him you want the real reason he is dragging his feet or avoiding this divorce, because otherwise I'm afraid you are just being strung along.

I dont know anything about autism...I know nothing about divorce...I DO know ONE thing...your gut. We, as women, have this special little device in our bodies that enable us to "see" the future.....dont ignore your gut. If you really wanted to know the facts, you would have snooped 'em out by now. To quote Judge Judy, "if it makes no sense, it probably isnt true".....

Good luck... :)

I know one couple who've never gotten divorced, though they have lived apart for more than 5 years and date/live with other people. They do it because they're too cheap to pay for a divorce, which I think is silly.

I dont understand why he cant still give her money if they're divorced. If it is his child, he should be able to keep him on his medical plan even if he and the wife are divorced. I think your instincts are spot on and he wants to have you and his wife.

He could be lying. Or it could be that he would go completely broke if he divorces his wife. It's probably exspensive already to care for the child because of his special needs (therapy, etc.) she is probably not getting part of his paycheck right now or she is getting whatever "HE" determines she needs. Once he gets divorced the courts will decide this for him and he probably does not want that.
Do you want to marry this man? How do you feel about assuming some of the responsiblities of his special needs child? Remember the old saying "Be careful what you wish for you just might get it.

He could still have his child on his ins. and still give her a monthly child support check. My husband has his son from his first marriage on our health ins. and he pays child support to his ex every month. So go with your gut that something is wrong with this picture!

He can divorce his wife and still keep full medical coverage on the child. He is just giving you excuses, be very wary of him and his lies.

Have a talk about his "real" reasons for delaying this divorce. I've known several people who find the idea of divorce, and all the details leading up to it, totally overwhelming. Some have delayed for years, some have moved in with their next relationship and have never gotten a divorce (20 years later).

Don't assume anything here, especially not how this relates to you and your relationship with him. Talk openly and without emotion (as much as possible) and allow him to express what is going on with him. You may be surprised. If he can't/won't get past his delaying details, however, then you have your answer. If you can't have this conversation together, then a session with a couple's counselor might be another option.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is lying. My husband pays child support for his children from a previous marriage and has the kids on his insurance---it is in their divorce decree. Even at that, he could still pay her alimony if he wanted her to get some of his paycheck along with the child support or pay more than what is ordered. Sounds fishy....

first of all if he diviorces his wife the judge will make him pay child support ( part of his check) and the judge will make him keep his son on his insurance, ( insurance for the son ). the wife on the other hand will have to get her own. and i am curious as to whether this child is on medicare and disabilaty. if not at age 18 he will be. ( everything covered). sound a little fishy to me. good luck and god bless, R.

I actually know of some people who are in the exact same situation. Even the same ages of the children. The fifteen year old is severe. The man lives with girlfriend but is still not going divorce his wife. His wife is caring for the child. There is one glitch in that case, she is love with him still. Now that is fishy because he lives with girlfriend but visits wife nightly. In your case: He might love you a lot, but there are so many things that special children need that a divorce might be implausable at the moment whatwith insurance, etc. On the other hand he might be using that as an excuse. Contact your state and find out what special needs are provided for as an outside resource rather than thru boyfriend. You might find out you are right and that he could have some things taken care of in other ways. He might be doing some other fishy things too, so be ready for all sorts of responses when you let him know you have been doing your homework.