Divorce?

I have worked as a counselor with many children of divorce, and those that seem to adjust the best are those whose parents explained to them that they are not going to be married anymore- but that they are both still the child's parents and love them. It is also necessary to emphasize that this is not the child's fault, and at age 4 - developmentally, the child will need reminders and repetition of this. Stay child focused. Remember the adults are the ones with all the choices, and the children do not have any. So the more input the child is allowed - the better. Please do not ask the child who she wants to live with....this is extremely damaging to the child, and custody is an adult to adult decision.

Best wishes to you in the most difficult time. You and your spouse may consider seeking co-parenting counseling sessions which focus on how to do this with the least amount of stress on the child. There is also a website called: nirvanamommas (I am not sure about the spelling).

J. - I can understand your dilemma completely. I am currently going through a divorce and I have 2 kids under 3 years old. My spouse and I both come from families where our parents are still together and in my family even all my siblings have never gotten a divorce. The word "divorce" wasn't even in our vocabulary so it was a HUGE decision. I AGONIZED over what this was going to do to my kids. One day I woke up and had the clearest thought "What is this going to do to my kids if I stay in this marriage? What kind of example of marriage do I want my kids to have?" It made things so much clearer to me. I sought individual therapy (my spouse was unwilling to go to couple's counceling) and explored my fears about damaging my kids. Another thought is that young kids are so resilent. My kids will barely remember us together, they will grow up having 2 homes and 2 parents who love them completely. That could be different had they been older. This is not to encourage you in any way to run file for divorce. I think the very fact that you are so struggling with this shows that you are really trying to look at what is best for you, your child, and your spouse. Therapy definetely helped. There are plenty of family therapists that can help you when/if you get to that point with how to tell your daughter. I think what screws up kids is not the divorce per se, but the way the parents handle themselves. This can be difficult and stressful esp. as emotions are so raw. I've found help via http://www.collaborativecouncil.org. They have attorneys, psychologists, and multiple other professionals that help you through the divorce process in a more "friendly" manner. Good Luck to you in whatever you decide.

Hello J.,

My sister, you sound angry right now. Anger is one of the reasons we might contemplate divorce. (I have been through three). From my own experience I can say, when children are involved, the perspective is different.

Children take on the burden that they are somehow responsible. I remember a friend years ago saying how, when her parents divorced, she thought it was her fault. I remember her saying when one parent spoke badly about the other she felt unfaithful because she loved them both. I remember when my kids' dad left us "for good", my daughter crying and asking, "Why doesn't he want me Mom?"

My husband, my kids' Dad, has returned (after three months of separation). I won't say all things are hunky-dory, but we as a family are good again.

You have your reasons for considering divorce. My folks were married 54 years and considered it more than once. There are times we love our partner but do not like them. Please think this a little about love...

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not speak its own, love does not keep an account of wrongs, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

I have no specific help for your questions, only support and hope you will have the strength to do what you must.

My prayers are with you,
L.

I'm so sorry that your marriage is struggling so. However, Divorce Destroys Kids. There is no way around it, nothing you can do to prevent it. If you divorce your husband you will destroy your daughter and she will be picking up the pieces well into her adult life. Those are the facts.
That being said, the power of prayer is amazing. There is a great book called, "Power of a Praying Wife" that I would highly recommend. Also, talk to your Pastor. You need God in this situation. You can't do it on your own.

God bless.

J.,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. In response to how your child will be affected-- greatly. Children will find a way no matter what you do to somehow blame them self for adult issues. So first, before you say anything to your daughter, get with a therapist and discuss it with them along with your husband. Always talk positively about your husband around your daughter and don't say anything negative about him when she is around. Try to keep her schedule the same and continue to show her love and affection. When you are sad or upset-- let her know its not her fault and that you are just sad. If your husband is willing to--get together with him for counseling to see if the marriage is resolveable. If its not, you at least need to have the conversation of how you will raise your daughter together and how you will each do everything possible to protect her from any further damage. Hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Molly

Dear J.,

Was your husband once the "love of your life"? What was your marriage like before you had a baby? Is your husband a good father? How long has it been since you felt happy in your marriage or had a tender moment with you husband? Do you think he's feeling like the marriage is on the rocks too?

Lot's of questions, I know. I watched one of my closest friends transfer all her love and affection to her first-born and basically abandon her husband. She didn't want a divorce because she had a very comfortable lifestyle and didn't want to loose it. Her husband is a good man and though he was treated pretty bad for many years chose to keep his vows. To make a long story longer.... the kids are grown and gone and they are still together and happy again.

No matter how much you love your daughter, she will grow up and go away to live her own life. It is amazing how time goes. Wives and husbands should be "the love of each others lives".

I agree with the Mama that told you divorce affects a child forever. Your marriage sounds like it's in the "FOR WORSE" part. If you and your husband can sit down and be honest and open with each other, perhaps you can get back to the "FOR BETTER" part.

Don’t be afraid to be the one to make the first move toward rebuilding your marriage. I pray that you and your husband will work hard and save your marriage and family.

God Bless And Keep You, Your Husband and Daughter.

I don't think divorce always devastates a child. I think the really vindictive, venomous divorces where children are pitted against one person or another is a really evil way to get divorced, when both parties are angry and selfish.

My sister wrote an excellent article for a local magazine (she is a collaborative divorce atty in Sacramento) about the subject of co-parenting during and after divorce. It boils down to this: the children are the MOST important thing, and you do not stop being a parent after your divorce. Having an attorney who recognizes this ethically and morally for both parents, whether they are going collaboratively or not, is the most important thing. Unless your child has been abused by one of her parents, she will have ample time with both based on the patterns already in place. By law she will have time with you both and it is enforced by the court.

The great thing about collaborative divorce is that people work together to end the marriage but preserve the family, and many people who go through this divorce come out HEALTHIER than they were in the marriage and can remain friendly, even doing outings together with their children. So there is hope, even after divorce.

Some people who start collaborative divorces actually end up stronger as a couple and stay together, because they have really challenged each other with a mediator pointing out how each is not being fair to the other in different ways. Who knows? Maybe just the idea of divorce will help your marriage get back into shape.

Good luck!!

Dear J.,
I'm sorry to hear about the disappointment of a marriage that is struggling. I have nothing brilliant to say, other than to say that I would counsel with your pastor/priest regarding your decision, if you're a religious person. Often it seems that an outside perspective can really provide a vantage point that you nor your husband can see.
Regards,
D.

Have you tried counseling and everything else you can think of to save this marriage? Divorce will devastate your daughter.

My parents divorced when I was 22. It was hard then for different reasons. I was stuck in the middle and because I was an adult they both were very open with me about the whole thing. I'm not sure what would be best for you, but divorce is hard on the kids no matter when it happens. Don't stay with him just for your daughter. It won't last, you'll be miserable, and I'd guess your daughter will be unhappy if she even remotely detects that Mom and Dad are unhappy. I wish you the best.

Hi!
After my son's father left when he was only 7 mos old, it has been hell. First it was lots of begging for help. Then he accused me of using drugs & I lost my son for almost 8 months. Family court in California (especially Marin County) are brutal. YEARS to work things out. NO ONE gets what they want. Children and their needs are not listened to or considered.
After my experience; I would advise anyone to stay together unless the child is in danger. AND ONLY if you can PROVE the child is in danger.
Good luck,
D.

My daughter's father and I divorced when she was 3. She's 12 now and gets along really well with both of us. She is not, in any way, destroyed by the divorce. But her dad and I work together for her benefit, and we get along while doing it. It wasn't always easy to set aside the considerable baggage, but we did it. And if you can't get there, remember: it takes one good parent, and you can be it. If you can't get to an amicable partnership with the ex, just try to keep the contention away from your daughter. And, if you get a divorce, it's also important to remember that you can't control him at all anymore. I've met lots of people who get very upset about the decisions that their exes make, and all that negative energy spills over to the kids. But it's an incredible waste of time and energy to think that you can make them make different decisions.