Discipline for Toddler

The discipline book and the successful child by Dr. Sears are excellent and have specific techniques that are helpful. I also highly reccomend raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Good luck!

You are obviously a very patient and loving mom. In all honesty, most kids are worse in their 3's than in their 2's. The twos are about exploring boundaries. The 3's are about TESTING boundaries!

I would start a list of rules. Make them very simple, because she's only 3. One of those rules needs to be "Listen to mommy and daddy." When she breaks the rule, you can remind her first. But if she continues to defy you, you'll have to impose consequences. Either put her in time-out or take away her toy.

You should also start noticing good behavior. Put up a sticker chart. When she shows good listening skills, give her a sticker. When she gets ten stickers, she gets a prize, like a lollipop or a little toy. (The other side of this is that, when she's naughty, you can take stickers away). She will definitely start trying to follow the rules. Good luck!

http://keystosimpleliving.com/kids_behavior.php

Give her two positive and acceptable choices so she feels like she still has some control. "You have two choices. You may share the seat with your baby OR you may hold your baby on your lap. What do you choose?" If she refuses to make a choice then just calmly repeat yourself (you can do this several times until she finally chooses or you can finally say, "I see you're having trouble making a choice right now so I'll make the choice for you this time." Once you make the choice for her that's it - there's no going back and negotiating. You won't get into a power struggle or argument if you end the conversation right there. Good luck. :)

There are some good tools that you can use now and adapt to your kids as they get older. Choices are great. That gives them some control while both things are acceptable to you. I have a stubborn son, who often didn't take either choice. We would problem solve. You want this, I need that. How can we do it? So it would be "You want baby to have room in the stroller, but I can't push you like this. How can we get settled in?" Watch for her head to have time to hear it, process it, and think of an answer (i.e., longer than it would take you). Give her some options, throw in a silly one, and pretty quickly you'll find something that both of you agree on. You're now teaching problem solving and that is a wonderful thing to be good at.

Another thing in the preschool years is playfulness. Have baby talk, have the stroller talk, put some fun in your eyes and add some silly gestures or sounds. Kids this age LOVE fun and are drawn to it. Use that.

Since you like Sears, look for Positive Discipline or Gentle Discipline books. You absolutely can be kind while setting boundaries and teaching good etiquette. Once you get the hang of it, it doesn't take that long either and I think it's much faster than trying to argue with a 3 yr old.

I don't have any specific advice, but just a warning... We sailed through 2 (like you) and have been really struggling through 3. Two other Mom's of girls have said the same thing. Three is REALLY, REALLY challenging. Be prepared for the kind of disagreement you wrote about to happen ALL THE TIME. It kind of took me by surprise.

And P.S.... the more your child loves and feels comfortable with you, the more they will act up in your safe and loving care. No disrespect to the good Dr. Sears.

if she doesnt want to sit in the stroller right then she can walk. her legs are so little that is punishment enough or leave the baby in the car if she cant sit right.

I love the books and works for Dr. Latham. Try Parenting with Love. It's a short read and the methods really do work!

There has to be some kind of consequence for inappropriate behavior or else what will ever stop her from doing it again? Simply, "We need to go. If you don't let me push I will have to take the doll away."

what a wonderful mom you are!
it's lovely to read about someone who is tuned into her toddler.
don't feel guilty enforcing boundaries when you need to. one of the (many) reasons you have such a great kid is that she has obviously developed confidence in her boundaries and doesn't have the uncertainty that so many littles do which causes them to test constantly.
it's harder when you're rushed for time, but so important overall that it's worth it to be late in your particular scenario. i would stop the stroller and tell her firmly 'i've explained to you why you must sit correctly. did you understand when i told you how it makes it hard to push?' if she continues to argue and not agree to let baby sit with her, tell her that you will not move until she's sitting correctly and you are unhappy that this is making you late. if she persists, tie the consequence to the lateness (she only gets a simple unexciting dinner if you don't have time to cook, she misses the playdate etc.) if it's not something that works for the consequence, a serious discussion at bedtime as to how that behavior is disrespectful and unacceptable will probably be all a child like this needs to think about it and do better in the future.
i LOVE that you don't threaten and are always honest with her. stick with your parenting philosophy. lowered eyebrows and a set jaw are all it will take to change her attitude pretty soon, because you are indeed so bonded with your child that she won't WANT to defy you because she really really gets that you are always on her side.
khairete
S.

Toddlers can't process what you are saying if you use too many words. For example, it would have been better to say, "I can't push if you sit like that" Then make a slightly exaggerated attempt to push the stroller, and say "See?"

My daughter turned 3 in Feb.(she's my 4th child, 1st girl). You will want to start disciplining her, not just because your life will be much easier if she listens to you, but for her safety. If you are out somewhere, and she starts running toward something she sees, but there is some sort of danger, you need to be able to yell Stop!, and know that she will actually stop, and not just think it's funny and run faster.

What I do is give her one warning that she needs to stop what she's doing. If she does it again, I put her in the "naughty spot" - I think time out sounds too much like a vacation, but you can call it whatever you want. When I set her down, I look her in the eyes and say in a very calm, but serious voice, "I am putting you in the naughty spot because I told you not to...... and you did not listen to me". Then I walk away. She needs to stay there for 3 min. (because she's 3). When the 3 min. is up, I go over to her, look her in the eye again, repeat why I put her there. Then I ask her to say sorry. After she says sorry, I give her a hug, thank her for saying sorry, and the whole thing is forgotten.
When you do this the 1st couple of times, she may not stay. Just keep calmly picking her up and plucking her back in her spot. Don't make eye contact or communicate with her because she'll just keep acting out to get your attention. It might take 30 times at first. That's ok, she'll figure out eventually that the whole thing is over a lot faster if she just stays. After a while, you don't even often need to get past the warning. By the way, the parent that puts her there should be the one that gets her out when time is up. This has worked very well for us with all 4 of them.
Anyway, good luck. Hope it helps :)

There are times when I say that this is what's happening, no choice. There are other times when we do time out, regardless of where we are. I've done time out in the middle of Old Navy and now she knows I'll time out anywhere. Once she wouldn't get in her carseat and I couldn't fold her so we sat there. We didn't go back in the store and we didn't drive. I said when she was done having a fit, we'd go home. It felt like forever, but I bet it was only 5 minutes.

The defiance is partially an age-thing. My DD wants to be in charge and wants to control what little she can. I weigh what's appropriate. Does it really matter if she wears her pj top to the library? Not really. But *I* get to pick out the pants today. Does she not want to ride in the stroller? Fine, but she has to hold the handle and walk nicely or she goes in. Running in the store? One warning and back in the cart.

I work from home, so sometimes when DD gets fiesty I set down my work and get down on her level and just interact. Sometimes all she needs is a little one on one to feel better.

Oh, and snacks. I don't know about your kid, but if I miss a snack, she'll get so upset she won't eat, even if she should, and it turns into something terrible.

I think it sounds like you're doing fine and it's normal little kid stuff.

Good job acknowledging the myth that being attached and loving to your kids will prevent any need for discipline. I love Dr Sears vaccine book, but the other stuff..... If that was the case, every child I know (they all have loving devoted parents) would be nice. But they're not. And 3 is when lots of them gear up to turn into terrors even if they were easier 2 year olds. Nip it.
I was and attached and loving full time sahm to my 3 kids (5, 3 and 20 months), and without their discipline (rare but effective), they would not be the wonderful respectful mature kids they are. Even my thrid ex terror.

If your daughter is showing the signs of completely disregarding what you say with a vengeance, don't teach her to believe she gets away with it or it will get much worse. Red flag to any of the programs insisting you should not discipline. That's only if you want to feel good about your own lack of action and don't mind letting this escalate, managing it constantly instead of handling it quickly, and possibly be "outgrown one day" (which is no guarantee because it usually morphs into older forms of defiance and I know 7 and 8 year olds still acting this way).

You say you were raised the attachment parenting way. If it gave you a happy childhood and you were a respectful well behaved child, then stay close to that premise, but if you're not happy with the results, switch it up! I take my kids to a "french lesson" every Monday with one other child (2 1/2) plus the baby of the hostess. The 2 1/2 year old has Attachment Parents, and is so fussy and mean (even to the hostess's 5 month old baby), we're already considering not going anymore. Nothing gets done but comforting comforting comforting that child who always needs to be the center of attention. The minute someone tells her to do something-like, I don't know, put on a coat in 30 degree weather, she refuses and throws a fit. So they comfort her some more and try to persuade her with words to consider it.

Meanwhile, my kids who would have never been allowed to act that way are bored and annoyed and we're bummed we drove so far AGAIN, but the parents wanted us to see that she would get "used" to this challenging scenario (nice home with toys and nice kids to play with) over time with enough nurturing. Once her dad was trying to comfort her into putting on a coat while she was screaming and my 3 year old son said to him 'helpfully', "OK, That's enough, she's OK, she's just crying for no reason."

Read this site, and if it's in alignment with what you want from your daughter the book is great. I am always real and honest with the kids. Never threaten, never get angry. The fact that consequences are a given after a warning, almost always negates the need. I've had to count to three like twice, and only made it to 1. I did not have the defiance struggles due to action. I take them everywhere with me. People think my kids were born happy, easy going, and easy. They weren't.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com