Discipline - Tucson, AZ

This book is a lifesaver: Siblings without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish.

http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-T...

HI M.,
A great book for you would be "Boundaries". It has amazing help and insight. There is also a Boundaries for Kids and more. If you want the name of a counselor who doesn't charge goes by donaions, let me know. I can refer him to you and I know some women counselors too. I commend you for wanting to do something positive about it. Let me know if you have any other questions. Warmly, V.

I totally absolutely hated my sister as a teenager, and couldn't wait for her to move out and go to college. She never did, I left first, adding to the resentment. (I wanted mom and dad all to myself for a while). But now that we are grown up, we love each other dearly and would do anything for each other. We keep in touch almost daily and see each other once a month. I think it is normal for kids to fight like that, but they really will appreciate their brothers and sisters when they are grown up and start families of their own.

Sounds like your kids are normal. My guess is they love each other to the max and would do whatever they needed to do to protect each other. My kids, 3 girls and 1 boy, all grown and have children & grandchildren of their own, were the same way when they were young but, as they got older that changed and I would dare say today they are closer than ever. From what you say you have given them the basics for loving and caring for each other and they will grow out of the stage they are in now. My kids all went through it, I have seen my grandkids go through and would bet other mothers have lived through the "don't hug me, don't kiss me, yuck!!" stages as well. Good luck with your family, they get better when they get older...

I think what you are experiencing is quite "normal" but I understand your concern and wish to foster kindness and love among your children. I have three boys (6, 3 and 4 months) and one thing I find works in helping them get along is to get them on the same side; any situation which affords them an opportunity to work together, be helpful to one another, ect...catch them in the act of doing something "good" and make a point to acknowedge it. Often children want our attention at the cost of getting it through negative means. Take the amount of energy you put into correcting their behavior into calling them on the good things!

Also, I have several friends of larger families who swear by the book -Siblings Without Rivalry! I have yet to read it but it is on my list. I always need help and ideas and appreciate your asking this very important question---i learned a lot from the responses given!

Best of luck,
Sincerely,
J.

Hmm... I'd love to hear the responses you get. I've got half the kids being lovey dovey and the others being not so much w/ each other. Recently I set a goal to hug on each of my kids at least 5 times each day and I've seen how much they love it and actually help me out with my goal. I wonder if we talk to them individually and encourage each of them to set a goal to be more loving and considerate w/ each other that maybe they will see how happy it makes them until it's a warm compfortable gesture? Hmmm... Very good question. Let me know what you hear if possible. Thank you, L.

My children are now 20, 31 and 33 and I have 7 grandchildren. I think what you are describing is pretty normal. When ours were little we told them some day they would be "best friends" and they said "no way!!". Today, they are all very close. Now that's not a guarantee for you, but I think there's a good chance it will happen.

What I would suggest is letting go of "worst fears" and "guilt". That just brings you down. WOrk at focusing on a positive outcome long range; and making the most of each day with your children now. It's apparent that you love them a bundle and that's the key to making it all work out for them.

I also discovered that having my kids think I was a "nice mom" was much less important than insisting that they take responsibility. Today they thank me for that and I see them raising their children in the same manner. This is just a thought since I have no idea what you mean by "catering" to your kids. Sometimes parents try so hard to protect their children from every disappointment, and every difficulty, filling every wish and whim; that the kids grow-up thinking they are the "center of the universe" without gradually acquiring skills and abilities to deal with real-world stuff. They get out into the work world and marriage thinking that the rest of the world is going to cater to them as adults. That's NOT reality and it is proving to be devastating to many young adults. I certainly don't assume that you are doing this; the word "cater" just got my attention.
K.
Mother of Family Ideas
http://www.winmarkcom.com

As much as my niece and nephew 'hated' each other during their teen years, they loved each other and are still close today. To you it may look like they cannot stand each other, but if someone were to try and hurt one of them, do you think the others would not defend their sibling? Maybe they just show their affection differently to each other, then they do to you. My advice would be to not push them and teacg by example. You seem to have done things right, as you say that they "think dearly of me, listen and help me with chores around the house". I only hope that I will do so well.

HI M.!

I have three sisters and when we were younger we fought all the time. WE never hugged each other wither. Now that we are older we are very close. My youngest sister and I actually had our babies on the same day at the same hospital and shared a room after. We are always there for eachother. We still fight don't get me wrong but when we are needed we are there. I am sure your kids will be the same way. YOu just have to get out of the teens and twenties. Good Luck and keep your head up!

M.

I just finished an amazing book.... How to stop Whinning, Complaining, & Bad Attitudes in you and your children" by Scott Turansky & Joanne Miller.... it's a Christian book, but it has amazing insight on how to encourage your kids to treat each other w/ honor. It's alittle bit older, but definitely worth the read! It's an easy read as well.... hope that helps. ~C.

Don't be too hard on yourself yet. My brother and sisters and I probably fought the majority of the time growing up, but now we are friends as adults. I think it is pretty common. In fact, we have home videos of ourselves fighting and grouchy and we just laugh and laugh at them now. Our poor mom! What I would make sure of is that they also have good times together. Plan some fun family activities; make sure some good experiences balance the bad. Give them opportunities to get to know each other and have fun. Trying to force them to hug each other or say "I love you" will probabaly not work with the ages of the children you have. Also, just because they hate hugging doesn't mean they don't like each other. Everyone has different ways of showing love. Sometimes these even change over time. There is a book called (I'm trying to remember here, so it might not be entirely accurate) "The Languages of Love" or "The 4 Love Languages" or something like that. It talks about how people show love in different ways and sometimes misunderstandings happen because of that. You might want to look into that. Above all, give it time and model positive ways of sorting out dislikes and disappointments, etc. My guess is, they will grow out of this stage. If there is truly a bad feeling in your home or you really feel like this is running much deeper than normal sibling rivalry and dislike, you may want to sit them all down and talk about how this is hurting you (not in the heat of a moment though...). By their ages, I they are old enough to handle something like that and learn from it. Good luck!

Hi, I wouldn't worry to much.I think your problem is universal, even if some people won't admit to it. I remember wanting to make my brother and sisters dissapear growing up almost everyday. But now as adults we really are the very best of friends, now we hug eachother everytime we see each other (almost everyday). We all moved out here to stay together, and so our kids can grow up together. Just remind them that family is forever, when mine get mad at each other I tell them they will always be related, No one else will have that from them, and I through in that this means they have no right to stay mad at each other. At least not for that long. My mom's words, they worked for us. hope they work for you to.

My daughters are 20 and 24. I spaced them apart so that I could have time with each of them. Even so, we went thru all the fights and tears. From "She has my toy" to "She's looking at me". I thought I would go crazy sometimes. Then my oldest girl graduated from high school and moved out. Suddenly it was "I miss my sister" and "we're going to the mall together". When they live in the same house the squabbles are almost constant. But they are always there if the other needs them. They don't have the same likes and have very different personalities but they know they will have each other. I never made them hug or take responsibility for each other. They would just have fought harder. Time will tell and there's not much you can do to make one child like another. I am very close to two of my five siblings and not so close to the others. Even so I know that we will each be there if the other needs us. Hang in there and love them just as they are. I'm sure that they will be just fine.

Hi M.,

I think you have done a great job so far! Keeping up the communication is key. I honestly think you have nothing to worry about. I grew up a middle child with a sister 2 1/2 yrs older than me and a brother 11 mnths younger than me. We had a good moments and our bad. Sometimes we played really good and sometimes we fought like crazy (fists and all). I was closer to my brother when we were younger but as I got older (late teens) I became closer to my sister. Anyway, we as adults are all very close. My sister is my best friend! As kids you go through different phases and may not stand each other at times, but my mother instilled good morals and showed us how to treat each other. In the end, as long as they know that, you should be fine. Sounds like your doing a good job. Hang in there.

Thoughout the years I have gained another sister and three more brothers because my parents divorced when I was 12. We all get along. I owe it to my mom for showing us how to respect others and treat them the same way I want to be treated.

P.S.
We always hug and kiss when we see each other now and we never! did that when we were younger.

I am a 32 yr. old mother of 2 girls and a stay at home mother.
I hope that helps!
K.

My sister and I fought a lot while we were growing up... actually up until about 3 years ago, we never really got along... then, we both had kids (actually they are 3 days apart) and suddenly everything clicked. Now we are closer then ever. Sometimes I think that we just need something in common that we aren't competing over. My mother was really good at keeping us talking even though the rough times. I remember saying things that use to really hurt my sister and i remember her not inviting me to her 16th birthday party or telling people that I was full of myself. As we got older, we got over our little "silly" arguments (I now know they are silly, but at the time, they were really important). I think as long as you as a parent make sure that your kids never completely close the door on one another, when it really matters they will be there for each other. I hope this helps! :) Good luck!

Hi Marzita,
Do not feel alone in this problem. I too am facing the same type of situation. I have 2 kids, 1 boy and 1 girl. They fight like cats and dogs. They can't help each other do chores because all they do is fight. I believe that they will out grow this behavior. I think it is the nature of people that are very close to each other all the time to fight and fuss. I know that my children love each other, and when it comes down to it my son will protect his sister, he has done so when another boy pushed her off her bike and hurt her. Now the kicker here is that he has probably done more things to her than anyone alive on the planet today, but he would hurt someone else if they did those things to her! :) I have made them work together, I have made them help each other when they didn't really want to, and I have let them work alone at times. The results are usually about the same. So take heart and keep trying. They may act like they can't stand each other now, but some of the sibling rivalry we settle as they grow up. Do experiment with letting them help each other do something. You might want to give each child a sheet of paper and let them write one or too nice things about each brother or sister and you can read them out loud to the family. Its a way to let the kids know its ok to care about each other. You might also want to have a family night where you all do something fun together, even if its something simple like makeing cookies! Hope this helps. I'm still trying myself.
M. H.

My brother sister and I used to fight like cats and dogs, it was REALLY bad. I would always have bruises from my little sister and she wouldn't get in trouble for it, but if I faught back, I would get in trouble. I held quite a grudge against her for years because of this. My brother and I also faught a lot and didn't really speak for a couple of years. Now, my brother lives with my husband, my son and I and my little sister stays the night at least once a week. I'm 22, my brother is 20 and my sister is 16. I think a lot of brothers and sisters go through this when they're little especially when there's big gaps in their ages like yours. My husband also agrees to this. His sister and him faught REALLY REALLY bad and they're 5 years apart. Now, they get along great! All in all, I think your kids will grow out of it, it just takes the oldest to find where they're life is going and show the others. Good luck!

I just had my second daughter. My first is 2 years old. My pediatrician told me that every child desires to be an only child. It makes sense....who wants to share mom and dad affection, attention...etc etc. He said not to make them friends but to keep things very seperate. Examples.....if one child is into sports and you go to their game, don't bring the other kids. It is the sporters time to shine and bringing their siblings takes the attention away from the one playing the sport. He said it is very important to spend time with your kids individually each week and not to compare them to each other. It all makes sense to me. Don't force them to be pals...that will come with time. I couldn't stand my sisters when we were growing up but now we are best friends and I couldn't be without them. It is all about jealousy. Good luck

Don't be so hard on yourself! Sibling rivalry is a very common thing. So much so, that there are books written on the topic. I highly recommend "Sibling Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They say everything better than I can on this topic.

Your worst fear is unfounded, eventually they will have more mature relationships and the "stuff" of their youthful ones won't really effect that. But I do think you should becareful. You said you don't ask them to help each other or give them any responsibilities for each other, and that you "cater" to them. Being a "nice" mom isn't the same as being a "good" mom. Sometimes being a good mom means making unpopular decisions, means teaching them the realities of life, and with such a big family, I don't know how you have survived this long without getting them to help out with their siblings. You may want to look in to these things a bit.

Good luck,

Dear M.,

I am also a mom of six! I only have one teenager, the rest are all younger, but my 15 year old is pretty selfish. He wasn't that way until he hit the teen years and it just seems to be a developemental stage. If they are well behaved and respectful to you, then I wouln't get too involved as a referee for their problems. They will find a way to care for each other in hard times. I hope you have a blessed day!

This is heartbreeaking but very common. My brother and I despised each other until we were both in high school and then all of a suddern we became friends. I have no idea what happened or why, but many of my friens in similar situations experienced the same thing with their siblings. I think it may have a lot to do with maturity and the normal stages of development.

My mother used to tell us that we would regret how we treated each other because one day we would be grown and off living with our own families and we would miss each other dearly. She was right, although I couldn't imagine that at the time. Sadly, she died just a few short months after we began to finally get along and, since she was a singel parent, we were divided between family members and have only seen each other a handful of times since that night 17 years ago.

Perhaps that my story could at least serve as a warning for your children. They won't believe you at the time that they could ever actually miss and care abou their siblings, but it will certainly plant a seed in their thinking. I never forgot what my mother told me and it eventually became true. I think about and miss siblings every day.

With my own children (number 6 due in September) I have been very deliberate about building our family identity and telling them that we were all put together for a reason and we will always be family no matter what. They will not share their formative years with any other people in the world than those living on our home and that is a very special bond. No one will ever know, understand, or remeber them like their immediate family and it will be a source of many good memories one day if they choose to create thosse memories now.

I wish you the best in expressing this to your children and hope they at least consider what it means to them. Even if it doesn't seem to make a huge immediate change, I know it will at least get in their head and heart and hopefully make them a bit more careful in how they treat one another some of the time, but remember, they are still kids and siblings, too.

Just remember that they are going through their own growing up journey and are testing different behaviors.
There is a wonderful book called the 5 Love Languages. It comes in different forms like the 5 Love Languages for Marriage, for Children and for Teens. I love that Charles, the author explains that we all give and receive love differently. Therefore as parents and spouce, we need to honor and teach others(meaning our children) how to respect what our/their Love Language is. For example, if my love lanugage is 'acts of service' and my children have 'touch' and 'quality of time'....there is quite of bit of miss understanding going on. It matters in how you consequence them too.

I invite you to research this further if it speaks to your heart. I am a mother of 4 and married and it is one of my best tools!

Have a fantastic day! :)

NOW is the time to start asking them to help each other. Their thinking of you as a nice mom may be your opinion. How nice are you when you don't impose any responsibility on them for each other. Being a "mom" means taching them to be able to perform in life. Get to it.

When my two children are fighting a lot, I pull out the jar and marbles and set it out for everyone to see. I inform them that when someone does something nice for another, they may put marbles in the jar (you determine how many). When the jar is full, all children get to choose an activity to do together (this doesn't have to cost money). Give themn examples of how they can help eachother....pick up toys, say compliments, help with homework, etc. I also change it up with holidays. For Christmas, I cut green and red strips of paper to use as chain links. Each time they did or said something nice to each other, we put a link on the chain. This will help them to experience good feelings when they are rewarded for positive behavior and will stick with them. You can be a nice mom and still enforce discipline - kids need that and feel good when they have that. We also strongly enforce respect in our house and if one child is disrespectful to the other in any way, we call them on it and have them apologize. We educate them on what is respectful and what is not at that time. Sometimes we take away privelges if necessary. Let us know how it goes if you try the above. :)