Disagreement on More Children

My view is this: you can only have children during one window of your life, once it's closed, it's closed. If you have a baby now, I really doubt you and your husband will look back 20 years from now and say "gee, I wish we would have not had (baby) and bought a house a little sooner." However, if you don't have another baby and continue to have this strong desire, you will probably resent your decision and maybe even your husband for the rest of your life. The purpose of this life is to experience true joy in our families, children and life experiences. I hope you are able to help your husband understand your desires.

A very wise person once told me "if money can solve the problem then you're not looking at the REAL problem."

I would venture a guess that money is not the real issue. Until you uncover the REAL reason why he doesn't want children you'll stay at a stalemate.

Lack of money or a house has never stopped someone who really wants children.

Why don't you look at the finances together? Figure out what issue is tied to finances...I'm betting his REAL ruin is he doesn't feel like he can support or help another child. Is he unhappy in his job? Is his job insecure? Diving into the financial issue together may help uncover his real issue. Just be supportive, encouraging and do the planning together. I'm sure you'll find that money is not the real issue...and then you can move on to what the REAL problem is.

Good luck! I'll be praying he comes around!

My granny always said, "if everyone waited until they could afford to have kids, nobody would have any." She also said, "when you have one more child, it doesn't make any difference in the budget. The next kid wears hand me downs and you have to buy food and pay the rent anyway, so don't delay your blessing if you want to have another kid." She also said, "If you have kids, you will always be broke, but you will also always be happy."

I think she was right. One more child isn't going to change your monthly budget so much that you would even notice it really.

Tell your husband, in the long term adding one more child to your family will actually work in your favor. In terms of taxes and deductions. Also in terms of college financial aid.

The other thing you may want to consider, if you really want another child - is subsidized adoption through DCFS.

Also, if your husband is worried about being able to buy a house. Now is the time to buy. My co-workers and I have been working with an auction program and are looking at buying a house valued at over $130,000.00 for $5,000.00.

Whenever I see posts like this, I always imagine that the dads of the universe have a 'daddysource' and wonder what the post and subsequent responses would be. In order to understand how he feels, perhaps you should write out the request but from his standpoint and then also imagine how dads would respond to this.

As much as you are 'aching' for another child and cannot 'contemplate life without another child' try to look at it from his perspective too. Maybe he feels as if the family, in his eyes, is perfect and that adding another child to the mix would be stressful. Maybe he cannot contemplate life with another child. Remember, it is highly likely that the stress you feel because you don't have another child is very similar to the stress he feels about having another child. His feelings should be JUST as valid as yours even if you don't agree with them. Just because his worry is 'money' doesn't make it less valid!

The best thing for the two of you to do would be to sit down and have a logical and objective conversation about the future of your family and why you want it to grow and why he is satisfied with the way things are. If his goal is to buy a new home, would you be willing to work toward that goal IF he can commit to adding to the family? The two of you need to compromise.

Hi S.,

I can't give advice because I haven't had to walk in your shoes. I know others who have though, one who stayed in the marriage and accepted no more children, and one who left because the issue was having kids at all and she wanted to see that goal reached. I can tell you with all honesty that neither is okay with their decision. The first has great resentment toward her husband and 10 years later is still trying to get past it. The second has spent 12 years looking for that person to reach her goal with and has yet to find him. What I see as the outsider with both of these women is that the children issue was a symptom of larger things but what they both chose to concentrate on. I'm not saying that's the case with your marriage but look at the rounded picture, not just the one thing you can't come to agreement on then ask yourself:

How important is the goal of a second child to you? Are you okay with the financial goals he wants and your one child? Will giving up your goal cause resentment that could bleed over into other parts of your marriage? What is the reality if you chose having another child over your marriage? Is what you'd be giving up with your husband worth the possibility of not finding someone else who wants children with you? And maybe most important, is the stalemate over having kids vs financial success the only issue the two of you have over life goals? Or is this just what the two of you concentrate on most?

I think trying to change your husband's mind is as futile as him trying to change yours. You both seem very intent on your differing goals. So instead of trying to find ways to change him, maybe ask yourself if you can change and what that would mean to your life.

S.,

I don't know how feasible this is, but if your husband's key objections to adding a second child are truly financial in nature, then maybe you could consider increasing your financial contributions to the family unit. The current economic conditions notwithstanding (as Bernanke pointed out, recessions *do* come to an end), maybe you could use this time to prepare your job skills for a more lucrative field or taking on a second job. By increasing your financial contributions in the near term, you would directly address his concerns and remove that obstacle.

Good luck!

I don't have time to read all the other posts, so if this is a repeat I apologize. While I can relate to your plight completely (so don't take this the wrong way...please), I would first try to seak counseling. A counselor could help you both understand each other's sides of the equation.

If that is not possible, I might suggest a compromise. Suggest you both sit down and make certain financial goals that need to be met before another child is brought into the mix. As long as they are reasonable (not earning twice as much or something rediculous) then another child wouldn't be that scary for him.

For example, make sure you have 8 months of salary saved in liquid assets, make sure you are meeting your goals for retirement savings, make sure your savings for your current child's educations are met, etc.

My husband wanted to make sure we didn't have any credit card debt before we got engaged. Then, once the credit card debt was gone, we committed to keeping the card paid off each month. This made him feel better about taking the plunge into marriage and that we could meet our financial goals. We worked hard and after two years and 10 months we were married and debt free (at the time we didn't own a house). That was 13 years ago...

Work with him and perhaps he'll work with you. Bitterness and being angry sure wouldn't help me see his point of view, but his ability to work with me would...nagging won't help either...

I hope this helps. I do believe and agree with you that while single children are happy and thrive, it's great to have a sibling. If even just to complain about your parents later in life ;-)!

No, your feelings and thoughts aren't at all unreasonable - in fact, they're totally understandable. That being said, I have to be honest in that I don't get "it's only a financial issue". Finances are a HUGE issue, at least in this household. Make no mistake...unless you or your husband make more money, a second child WILL postpone your "getting ahead". That's not necessarily a bad thing, if you can live with renting for another few years, or know your family will be fiscally sound if an emergency arises, or your marriage will be okay with the extra stress of another child. Except for the first one - in our family's case, we can't answer in the affirmative. So we're sticking with one.

As the parent of a four-year-old girl on the autistic spectrum, my heart aches to raise a typically-developing infant. This is not a slam at all against my kiddo -- who, IMNSHO, is made of 100% awesome -- but raising her pushes our resources almost to a snapping point. The high-risk factor of having another child with an ASD, coupled with our ages, makes us reluctant to spin the genetic wheel of fortune one more time.

Long story long - I see and understand both sides of the situation, but ultimately you have to do what's best for your family. Good luck.

S.,

In truth, DH and I didn't want kids at all. Then, I realized I did. It was a long road to get my DH on the same page, but I did. I didn't nag, threaten, argue or push the issue. I DID show him how we could do it. I DID tell him how much I wanted to pass on our love and life together in a child. Then, when my son was a year, I threw my husband another curve ball...I wanted another. I think he had a slight heart attack.

At the same time, I may have a different opinion than the other posters. I see that you are a working Mom (as I am), so that means daycare of some sort would be a concern. And, for us, that's not cheap. One was expensive and adding another was just about double. Ouch!

I totally agree that money shouldn't come first. But, I was raised by my Mom without child support and she struggled all the time to make ends meet. We moved from apartment to apartment, even out of state twice. I swore I wouldn't do that to my kids.

I waited until we were financially secure before I even thought about a baby. For me, the thought process wasn't so I could "buy my kids stuff" but so that we could offer them what I never had - security.

It's a scary economic world right now and I'm sure that your husbands fears are real. I think men worry about the practical part of life choices more than focusing on the emotional. When I wanted baby #2, I had already gotten all of the information together for him. Daycare costs, what I could do without, how we could do it. My second son is now 19 months. ;)

I think you need to address your DH's concerns specifically. Work out the numbers for him and show him what YOU are willing to give up to attain your life goal. And what you are willing to do for him to meet his (a house). For right now, I wouldn't focus too much on what HE needs to give up (lunch out, golf, etc) as that could be part of the reason he doesn't want another child.

Sorry if I jumped around here and I hope this makes sense. I'm at work and multi-tasking.

Good luck to you.

It seems illogical to me to make a life decision (whether to have another child) based on temporary financial goals. After all, you can have a child and then both parents lose their jobs (it happened to us when my first child was a year old!) You can't control the job market or the economy.

Have you considered talking through all of this with a counselor? When it comes to an emotional issue like this, where all sorts of fears and underlying motivations are involved, a neutral outside party may help you both to sort through your feelings.

Personally, I'm sympathetic to your point of view. I didn't sign up to have an only child (I was an only child myself) and if it had worked out that way and it wasn't due to something beyond our control, I would have felt a lot of disappointment. But I'm sure your husband also has perfectly reasonable emotions involved in his position.

I don't think either of you should just "get over it," which is why I think working through it with a therapist's help will be a good thing for both of you. No matter how it all works out, you want to have a strong marriage at the end.

Best of luck to you and your family.

I agree with N.W. There is more going on then meets the eye. But I think he needs to be honest with you.

If he hasn't honestly brought budgeting into this conversation, it is just a smoke screen. I would sit him down and get specifics....when are you moving ( month/year, nothing less), what is our price range (specific), how did you come to this price range?, what do you estimate the mortage payment to be, taxes, monthly bills (estimate a higher amount for bigger space), how will this effect the commute to work, what are the car payments, what is our credit debt, child care, etc...See where I am going? I think unless you get these figures pinned down, and understand them yourself you CANNOT have a conversation about #2 with him. But when you present your evidence, it will force him to focus on the real issue and then you can be honest with each other about how to solve it.

He has a right to feel the way he does. It is for better or for worse, right? But he doesn't have a right to make a decision that so strongly effects the both of you without you understanding the real reason behind this (irrationally). He needs to honor your feelings and tell you the truth.

I would not let this go too much longer. See a marital therapist soon, before you both get too stubborn and really hurt each other. Even if he doesn't go, you should. About 60% of men don't go to the first 3 sessions, but the therapists are trained to deal with that aspect of getting him to attend, so don't let that stop you!
Best wishes.

How sad. It doesn't matter what that magic number is - if you don't meet it, it's a hard decision to make. I always saw myself with three children - my husband saw otherwise and has always been very content with two. And... with my husband, although, the added financial strain was a concern, it was never the real reason. Unfortunately, if your husband has totally closed THAT door for both of you without any kind of hope, I can certainly understand your resentment. If your husband is quite a bit older, he may be thinking about his own mortality vs. a young child losing their father. It certainly isn't something ANYONE can predict, but it may be a fear in his mind. He could be doing the math on when he will be retiring vs. her age, too, or... when her college fund will be needed.

I'm sure you are grateful to have your daughter. You are not being unreasonable in your dream. I, too, am grateful to have my two but the desire of having three still creeps in, from time to time. I am a firm believer that one of the best gifts you can give a child is a sibling. However, life can be very full, without one, too. This, too, could be another way your husband sees the situation.

Good luck and I hope you and your husband find peace with your answer. In your dream of wanting two, don't miss out on your dream -come-true of having one. By constantly contemplating this... it will, sadly, affect your life.

Nothing is more important than your children. Buying things should never come before family. If adding another child to your lives would stop you from buying a new house, then can you really afford it anyway?

Use the old addage on your husband...when you are old and gray with an empty nest, what will be your regrets? You will never regret the children you had, but you may regret not having them. Remind him, posessions do not make you happy. The love of family does.

Hi S.-

I am in the exact situation that you are in right now. My husband is 8 years older than me and he is very concerned that he will be ready to retire when our kids would be in college. We have one daughter right now. He has very valid points. From the guy point of view, it is hard on them having the pressure to support a family in this very unstable economic environment and the thought of adding more to the plate really concerns them. However, I do remind him that we have both been in very difficult situations before and we have survived. I think a lot of the decision has to do with how confident they are in themselves that they can handle whatever could come up and their willingness to make some financial sacrifices.
How important is buying a house to him? Would he be willing to wait a little longer ? The market won't be rebounding any time soon so maybe it would be better to wait several years. It's a very hard situation. He may change his mind in time on his own. Sometimes things happen in life that give us pause to reflect on our choices. I finally convinced my husband to have a second one and now I'm wavering. I hope you guys can work it out. All my best.

my first two children are 17 month apart and I thought I was done.
We have thought about a third one for at least 10 years,and than I really got this feeling again myself.Yes I know how it feels.
I agree, money shouldn't be an issue.I'm a SAHM, my husband than was not making that much,but we just lived with a budget,and it works for us.
I think this could be a big problem in your realtionship.
Good luck for you

I can't imagine anyone putting more importance on the financial aspect of their life over the human factor. So does he love his home and things more than you or his daughter? What a joy to multiply the love for his daughter times two??

No one can ever afford a chile and I guess there are limits to how many children someone can afford comfortably, but two is not much different than one. My mother kept telling me that if I waited until I could afford a baby, then I would never have one.

There is always something to spend your money on. The more you make, the more you spend.

Honestly how much would another child set you back? What kind of house does he want to buy? Tell him to stop buying his little treats?....Does he eat out at lunch time? That's $25 to $50 bucks a week, $100 to $200 bucks a month, $1200 to $2400 bucks a year. What about coffee? What about cigerettes? What about golfing? What about take-out?

Maybe you could cut back on somethings and save in the family budget to convince him that you are willing to make great sacrafices for another child that won't affect his plans for superficial things....don't use those words that will just anger him. But maybe if he sees what lengths you are willing to go for another child, he will relent.

I feel for you and I will pray that you will be able to get through to him in a way that he can truely understand the selfishness of his decision. It's not just about him and his financial goals...it's about human interaction and love. There is nothing like the love for your children...I would live in a cave for my kids.

I am right there with you!! We have two, but I just don't see our family as complete. Our children are 3 1/2 and 2 and I am feeling like NOW is the time to do it and if we don't we will miss out and I will be incomplete and regret this and resent my husband. I love him but the baby is not just for me but a sibling for my children. I don't know the answer, but I just think it helps to know that you are not alone and your feelings are valid.

It is funny, I just read what I wrote and realized that I left him out of most of the comments. We are a family, but our goals are very different. His are more financial and mine about our experiences in life. It is how we were raised. But I have saved EVERYTHING so there will be really no financial increases. Another post was right, it is not really about the issue you are talking about sometimes it is much deeper.

You don't say how old your husband is. How old will he be when the child is 16? You will have at least a 25 year commitment to this child - and he may see his life slowing down. I have the opposite problem. My husband wants another. I will be 50 in six months. He has been relentless about this. Hope this works out for you.

S.,
Take your time...I am also an educator, and that in itself is another life. Really talk to him about your current life and affairs and how a baby can create more challenges. Children are a beautiful blessing, but you all really have to agree. Pray about this together and see what he says. Timing is everything!

All the Best,
D.

I am in a similar situation- I always wanted four kids and my husband would have been happy with one or even none. We now have three and I would like one more. It's a tough call. I think I will always wonder who that one person who is missing would have been. My husband thinks we would be too busy to give another child the love and attention they need- I think growing up in a big family adds as much as it takes away. So tough call, there's no way to easily decide who is right.

I also think that men think of children and family in terms of a financial responsibility where women think of the family/emotional aspects. Have you actually sat down and contemplated and written down the financial aspects of it? Cost is relative- no one needs the $600 stroller or the $1000 crib- some of those things are just ridiculous. Plus you already have one child, so most items are already paid for. Breastfeeding and cloth diapering save tons of money. Instead of using daycare you could get an au pair or family member to babysit (if you work). If insurance doesn't cover maternity then start saving now (and avoid expenses like c-section) or opt into a plan that offers maternity coverage before you get pregnant. Of course college is expensive but small savings now will help later and not take too much out of your current budget. Not to mention that many people, myself included, put themselves through college without any money from their parents.

Good luck and I hope you are able to come to a solution you are both happy with.

S.,

I feel your pain. Yes, I can totally understand the feelings you are going through although I am very blessed NOW to have 5 kids. I suggest you give y9our husband time... and give him some examples of other people who have had kids later, maybe negative stories about people who've had an only child. Just recently I will tell you that my cousin had a child by surrogate...she is 42 and her husband is 50! They were unable to have another child as their son is now 8 so went ahead with a surragate... they are so happy and the 1st son is really the happiest of them all! He was very involved in the whole process. Anyway, I hope he will re-consider, keep trying with him and keep praying!
All the best,
Hilarie