Need Help Deciding What to Do About Finances

You and your husband need to talk about it. It is not easy. I am going through the same thing. You need to tell him how you feel and you need to make hime tell you how he feels. It's hard but you both need to go through this together. A lot of couples are experiencing the same thing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My husband and I have talked about bankruptcy and even letting our house go into forclosure. What ever you do just stick together. Figure it out together. It takes alot of pressure off of both.

L.,
My husband and I also went through difficult financal times when our daughter was first born. I know that this is a very stressful time, and it puts a huge strain on a relationship. The first thing I recommend for you to do, is find a way to talk in a non-confrontational way with your spouse, ask him to sit down and review your financial situation and make a plan with you. From your letter and my own experience, it sounds a little like you and your husband are not on the same page right now, and changing that situation will make the biggest difference. Remember that the two of you are a team, and you should be making important desicions together, and working together to acheive mutal goals. If you to cannot agree on how to proceed you have more than just financial problems to deal with. Once the two of you are working together to fix the problem the burden will seem a lot less.
Some questions to bring to the table during this disscussion would be;
Why are you so against bankruptcy? Perhaps he has some sound logic to this reasoning.
What are some of the alturnatives to bankruptcy?
What are your financial goals?
How important is it to the both of you to keep your house?
It is important to remember that money problems are the number one cause of divorce in this country, above all else if your marriage is important to you, you must find away to have this conversation with your husband and complete it to resolution.
My father gave me one really sound peice of marital advise and it has worked for us all of these years (and them 42 years and counting) Every marriage needs a desicion maker. This person needs to be able to take both of your feelings and thoughts into consideration, but ultimately when a mutal agreement cannot be made, someone must make that desicion. Hopefully this person is the more responsible one of the family. But whoever it is you should designate this person before this conversation and both agree to abide by the final desicion.
As for the financial side of things, however you decide to proceed, put your plan down on paper, create a budget and stick to it. And no more credit cards!!! They are a finanicial security killer. You may need to sacrafice some things like cell phones, cable, maybe a cheaper daycare situation, that sort of thing. Good luck!! My husband and I made it through it, marriage in tact, and our lives are worlds better now. Going through this difficult time and learning to work together to find a resolution made our relationship stronger as well.

Depending on how much the debt. is if it's more than you can pay every month bankruptsy may be your best bet. You can go sit down with a bankruptsty lawyer for free and show them all your bills etc. they will tell you if it's right for you or not. If you decide to go with a lawyer they are usually 1,000 and up.

My daughter's father got me into debt big time and I had no other choice but to do bankruptsy. That was over 4 years ago and I haven't had any real problems really. A few more years and I'm clear again. I haven't wanted to buy a house or anything major so not sure if that would be a big problem but as far as renting a apartment, and going on with life I've had no real problems. I have 2 friends who have also filed for bankrupsty and are very relieved as as well. Both of them paid 1,000 for a laywer too. Both of them have also gotten car loans and have carried on with life normally as well.

Look at the possibility of having your house foreclosed verses filing bankrupsty. A house foreclosure seems alot worse but I could be wrong.

Ask your husband how your going to get out of debt? What's his plan... Then write out on his paper his plan and write on paper a bankrupsty plan and see what would be better. Bankruptsy is very embarrassing to some people and a blow in the stomach but sometimes that is the only option.

I might be able to help, call me at 877-740-5757

Hey L.

(I am updating my response after having more time to review the other responses...) My heart goes out to you. I have two suggestions in response to the others posted. 1) Bankrupcy isn't always the answer. And maybe your husband blew up cause Bankrupcy seems like you may be giving in or something. Often times, with a tweek of just $200 a month somewhere, a family can be saved from having to go bankrupt. 2) Be very cautious when contacting your mortgage company about their options. There are so many goofy mortgages that are marketed today. While they say they may be 'helping' you, the goal is to get your finances healed, not put a bandaid on them.

Again, my offer still stands to analyze your situation and see what suggestions can be made.
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I work for a company that may be able to help you out. While I'm sure solicitation isn't accepted here on Mamasource, I know that our company works with families in your situation all the time and I have to say something!! We do something called a Financial Needs Analysis. While many other companies offer this, our uniqueness is that it's FREE and it works in the debt arena, where others don't. It has helped my husband and I out a TON and we can maybe look at your situation and figure out options that make sense. I'm not sure what we may be able to do, but I'd be willing to see. Let me know.

L.,

I worked for a mortgage lender for many years so I know first hand all the programs that are available to people having trouble making their payments. Please contact your lender and let them know the difficulties you're having. They may or may not be able to help you fix the issue but, at the very least, they'll be able to help you exit your mortgage as gracefully as possible. Who wants people pounding on your front door? You are not alone in this. There are millions of people who took out ARM loans and Subprime loans over the past few years and are now realizing they owe more on their house than it is worth. Many people don't realize that your lender loses A LOT of money if you forfeit on your loan. It's in their best interest to do whatever they can to keep you in your house. Call them and see what they can do for you. Good luck!

I would start at the Federal Trade Commission (FTC)'s page about credit & debt:

http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/menus/consumer/credit/debt.shtm

There are several articles there that can help you. One about bankruptcy laws, one about "self healing" your credit, one about choosing a credit counselor, mortgage payments, "knee deep in debt", and lots of other good ones (be sure to scroll down, there are two pages of articles).

The FTC is a government agency, not a company. Beware of companies offering quick fixes to get out of debt.

A credit counselor is probably a very good idea for you - not only can they help you with a plan, but they would be a neutral third party to present the idea of bankruptcy to your husband IF it's a good option for you, or to help you find other options if it's not. Do read the FTC article first, though, because there are a lot of shady credit repair companies out there.

Note that a credit counselor and a financial adviser are two separate things. A credit counselor is trained in helping people make a plan to get out of debt. A financial adviser is trained in helping people invest their money.

Good luck!

L.-

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds very stressful. I have not been in your situation, but perhaps a few suggestions. I don't know why talking to your husband about bankruptcy would cause him to talk about divorce... but if you are having financial difficulties, you do need to address them ASAP. If bankruptcy is too big of a mental leap for him to make, would he be open to meeting with a financial planner? Frankly, we use one, and she is not cheap - but even if you met with her one time and it was the introductory "free" session, she would probably be able to tell you just in that one session that you are headed toward bankruptcy (if indeed your situation is that bad).

Also, (I know this might be hard), but you probably can't say anything to your hubby that sounds like "The problem is my husband is the one who got us into this situation". Even if that is true, he isn't likely going to be receptive to you saying that, and may be so defensive that he can't hear all the reasonable suggestions you are making. Another good thing about a financial planner - he/she would be a neutral party looking at your spending habits, and he/she would be the "bad guy" saying your husband needs to clean up his spending habits (if that is the case).

Finally, is there anyone to whom you've confided all this? You said you didn't tell your parents. You are going to need support (and probably better advice than we annonymous moms can give you). This is all a lot of stress for you, and it sounds like your hubby is also stressed and perhaps taking some of that stress out on you. If you start going to a financial planner, bankruptcy lawyer, or perhaps even marriage counselor (?), you are going to need support for you. Try to find the right person for that.

Good luck, and know that you can get through this tough time!

You are by far not alone. I have been told that if you go to your financial institution where you have your mortgage, many times they are willing to help you work something out. I'm not sure, but that's what I've heard. Good luck!

We have had a few of those troubles as well. It has been my fault, though. My husband and I do not combine our money. Many of my friends/family disagree with this, but it really works for us. The problem that we are facing right now is that I have too much credit card debt and cannot pay everything. I have given all control of my money over to my husband until he gets my finances resloved. One of the things that he has done for me is to contact my credit card companies. Many of them have hardship programs and if you contact them before you get too far behind, they can really work with you. One of my credit card companies has waived all of my late fees and over the limit fees for one year and froze my interest rate so that I can actually make some progress. I was two payments behind on my car payment, so we contacted them and they were able to extend my loan by two months at the end so that now I am caught back up. It did not cost anything. I would suggest trying to talk to your mortgage lender to see if there are any hardship programs available to help you make sure that you can try to keep your house. If you are upfront, it really helps. It sounds like you have seend a credit counselor, since you are in a debt consolidations program, but if you have not seen one, then you should. Many of them are free, and if they are not, then you need to find another one. It may not hurt to contact an attorney re bankruptcy, just to see what your options are. I think that there are several things that you can do other than actually filing. Talk to your parents. Let them know that you are not looking for money, but some honest help in trying to resolve all of this. Any ideas that they have.......... They may have gone through something like this when they were starting out, so they really may have insight.

I feel for you, good luck.

Check out www.daveramsey.com - he has a radio show, and great information on cutting debt and getting back on track financially. My husband and I are following his plan, and we are on track to getting out of debt completely within a year - except for our house! The key is being on the same page with your husband, and spending NO MONEY on anything that is not in your budget. We have had to cut out lots of extras to make this work, but it will be worth it in the end.

The other thing you could do is start a home business and use ALL of that money for debt reduction. I am a consultant with Usborne Books at Home, www.ubah.com/g2687, but there are many at-home companies out there, and you could find one that works for you and your interests. Usborne has a very low start-up cost, which is something that attracted me. I would recommend that, since you don't want another hole to dig out of! Good luck!

Well the 1st thing I can tell you is don't stop paying the mortgage. You do not want a foreclosure on your credit! Contact the bank & tell them your situation & try to make a payment schedule with them. They may work something out with you. You & your husband really need to sit down & figure things out & put all your cards on the table. Tell him upfront that you want to work this out TOGETHER. Good luck. One more thing just contact a realtor & see what your house is worth maybe you could get out & break even.

Hi L., I'm going to be watching the responses as well, because our stories are so similar, its scary. So know you are not alone. My husband was going to school to become a police officer. We went through many years of schooling and breaks because he is in the National Guard. Anyway, a long story short, he cut out of being a cop and left us in financial ruin (in my opinion). We lived on our credit card with the thought that he would be on a well paying job and my salary would be knocking down the cc debt. No such luck. Now we are on my salary only. He stopped working because he thought he was going to be going with this latest round of deployments, and it turned out he is not. So now he has no job, and we are still rolling in the debt. Okay, so here is where our similarities come in, I want to move to get out from our mortgage. We refied last year and now are in an interest only loan which tells me we really aren't gaining anything on our property. I would rather knock down the debt and live in an apt for a couple years to bring us back up. I"m still thinking about bankruptcy. I need to contact the financial institutions, I'm just too scared to do so. I can't have him do it, because the control freak that I am can't let go of what I think he should tell the financial institutions. He won't say what I think he needs to.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted. I am trying to find work-arounds for us and the stress is coming out at my kids. I feel so awful! But it *also* is not my fault. Don't get too swept up in that aspect. Know that it is not your fault. You will always be able to get another loan, you may have to pay a bit more for it, but someone will always give you money. You will just need to use time to repair what's been done. I'm done rambling.