Difficullty with Divorce and Children

C.,
What a jerk!!! He will get his in the end. I'm so sorry he did that to you, and is still causing you grief. A counselor would be great. Also, being honest and a good parent is what your kids will come back to in the end. You have God on your side, and he always has the answer to the most difficult questions. I'm sorry I don't have any personal advice on the situation. I just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for you and your not alone.

First, it seems as though they have not "just done as he has told them", or how would you know about them meeting his girlfriend? They feel it to be necessary for their wellbeing to tell the truth and share their discomfort with you, and that is to be applauded. He is asking them to do something dishonest, such as witholding their feelings or sharing the facts (as distinct from gossip) that he has a girlfriend they have met.
As you will have to do this eventually in your divorce process, now is the time to take a divorcing parent co-parenting seminar and to encourage him to do the same, for the children's sake. You take it at one location and your ex takes it at another. The children often have an opportunity to have their own session in the building at the same time as the primary parent. It will literally stop this nonsense cold. Using the children in the middle is a big no-no for divorce judges.
When you provide the session for your children, then you can get a regerral for additional sessions, if necessary, for the 11yr old. Knowing you are in action on their behalf will help them to feel some relief.
Call me and I'll give you contact info for the local resources for the sessions closest to you in Cypress/Spring that works in your schedule. I'm available until 5 daily and will respond to your email or call quickly.
D. Bradford, CPPE
Collaborative for Children
Parent Engagement Manager
###-###-####
____@____.com

Hello C.,
In my opinion have a meeting with your ex(possble with the girlfriend) and your children. That way you confront the problem head on and let your children know that you will not
allow your ex to start hiding important information you need to know about.
Your son has a good idea about seeing a family counselor.

Good luck, K.

You're going to have to start now thinking in terms of being able to parent independently of your STBXH and let him parent independently of you. This means that, as awful as this might sound, you two don't have to be on the same page. You're two different people with equal rights to influence your children's lives. That's a real pain, but that's the set of facts that you're dealing with. (Notice that I'm discussing the facts of what's happening with your family and not the emotions of it. It just gives clarity when you don't cloud it with your hurt, enraged, indignant, confused feelings.) You can disapprove of what he's doing, but you don't have the right to try to force him to do it the way that you would want him to. You should certainly continue to encourage your children to be honest and open with you, but you should also take this time to explain that you and their dad have different views about things and that's why you're not living together...and what happens at his house might be different from what happens at your house, but the two of you still love them very much and will do your best to give them what you think they need. At the heart of it all, that's generally our motive, anyway, to do what we think is best. Their father is even doing what he thinks is best in the long run; it just doesn't jive with what you think is best.

Also, he could be telling your child to keep it from you because he knows that you will be openly and actively displeased with it, and he doesn't want to rub it in your face or deal with your response to it. That's his way of telling her that what happens in his house stays in his house and vice versa, because things are different, now. Where you all shared experiences before, he wants her to be clear that these new experiences with him have nothing to do with their mom. Phrasing it like "our little secret" triggered something in your daughter because of the use of that word. You had specifically told her not to keep "secrets" from you. You should explain to her now that it's not a secret if her dad knows, that you and her dad will work together to make sure that you know what's going on but that she doesn't have to pass along that info. Let him know, too, so he can at least be aware of the system that you are putting into place for her/them. You should make a commitment to yourself that if your child tells you something about her experience at her dad's that you don't necessarily agree with, you will not use it against him. Again, he has the right to influence his children's lives, just as much as you do. This way, she can share openly with you (if that's what you want) without the risk of violating the sanctity of their father's home. Your home is established, for the most part in their minds. He's trying to establish his. When they get more comfortable there and feel more at home there, they will tell you less because it'll be home, too. They will reach a point where they will understand that mom and dad don't automaticaly know the same stuff. Until then, just recognize that each household is trying to figure out the best way to handle it.

Get your children some therapy. Get yourself some therapy--not the kind that will push you to take him for all he's got and what you think you deserve.

I'm not saying that he's perfect and you should let him off the hook so easily. I'm saying that it's not your hook that he should be hanging on. As painful as this is, your business with him is to make sure that he commits to caring for his children. Period. Let him go off and live his life. We all get what we give, and you can never truly "pay him back" for what you think that he's done to you and your family, anyway. You'll get what's yours; he'll get what's his; and your babies will get what you each give them. Neither is more or less invaluable, for there is something to be learned in every experience. You can't dictate your children's lessons.

Take good care. I know that you are struggling with this one, and I feel for you.

Unfortunately, you have no control over the actions of the man you married. (But you know that already!) Your job is to see that you and the children remain as stable as possible throughout the divorcing process and the rest of your lives. My daughter was barely 2 when we split up, so she did not see a counselor until she was 7. (I, of course, saw one immediately!) She had to go back into counseling periodically; it always helped. It was tough for me when she was in high school because I wasn't in the loop anymore and she picked her own therapist.
I also taught high school for 38 years and have helped to lead divorce support groups at my church. I have seen the benefits of therapy; I have also seen kids who did not get help who were so angry and depressed years later. Any time you can give a kid (or an adult) the tools to communicate feelings, you have helped that person for life.
My daughter learned how to tell her father how she felt when he did something that disappointed her. (He died when she was 13, but they spent time together because she refused to be shut out of his life when he was sick.)

C.,
For starters feel so blessed that your 11 year old is humble enough that he/she needs help. I have one that needs it and wouldn't go and now she is grown and still hovers hate towards her dad. On another note since the ex is so stupid to pack around a girlfriend and hurt your kids it also helps you in that you have proof that this wasn't unreconciliable differances that you'll have control in the divorces of assets, and the children. Meaning you wont have to share joint custody when he's having this woman. It shows that he is irresponsible and that he's not putting the children's best interest at heart. I know this sounds awful but all of this can work greatly in your favor because if he waited till later after the divorce then you wouldn't have this leverage you have now. Don't be nice, to show that your a nice person. Don't care what he thinks or she you need to get what you can now for you and those kids for later. Oh and the judge is going to order a parenting class. You need to let your attorney know what your 11 year old is asking and this will also go in your favor in the divorce and your attorney can steer you in the right way for counseling. If its not through a church and it is costly your attorney can get the ex to pay for it. Ps I don't know where you live but Cypress Fairbanks are opening new schools this fall, its a great school district maybe you can check that district out.

That is a tough situation for the kids to be in. I am sure emotions are high, but see if you can sit down and talk to the kids' father. Let him know that you don't want to interfere with his life, but you don't want him burdening the kids with keeping secrets. By the same token, you won't tell the kids not to tell dad this or that, either.