Marrige Ending Affecting My 8 Yr Old

I would look up this group and see where the nearst one is caringfortheheart.com Or John Regier it's all the same as he is the founder of this group and there are groups all around that he has trained. I hear they do a WONDERFUL job in restoring marriage.

Hi S.,

My oldest daughter was 8 (her sister was 2) when my first husband and I split after 10 years. Although he wasn't anal about the house and things, he just wanted more than one woman. But when it came to my daughters, especially my oldest, I always made sure that they came first. I actually told my husband at the time that since he was the one initiating the split that he had to tell the girls, which he actually did with me standing right there. After he left, I sat down with them and explained that daddy wasn't happy being married anymore, that it didn't have anything to do with them, that he still loves them just as much as he did before he left, which was true. It broke my heart when my oldest asked if she was going to have to change her last name, thinking that she wasn't a part of her dad anymore. I never told them that he had affairs, and that he still cheats on his current wife. (They are 21 and 15 now.) My ex and I made a pact that the girls would always come first, no arguing in front of them, never put the other parent down in front of them, never put them in the middle, always made sure they knew that it wasn't their fault that we split. The problems were between us and that's where it should stay. Now 13 years later, they are very well rounded kids, They actually feel very lucky because not only do they have 2 parents that adore them, they have 4, 8 Grandparents etc. We were always very open with them, and my ex and I have been able to stay friends because of it, making it easier on the girls also. Please just try to stay amicable with your husband, I know it will be hard sometimes (believe me!) but do it for the kids. I wish you good luck, I'll be thinking of you through these hard times!

K. Simington

Hi Stephanie,

It sounds like you were in a very difficult marriage and Im sorry to hear that. Insofar as your 8 year old is concerned, it is difficult for her too! It is important to let a child know that its not their fault (since they tend to think it is). Its also important to let them know that although mommy and daddy may not be able to live with one another anymore, that they will still love and take care of her and that sometimes someone can not be a good husband but they can be a good father. You can prepare your 8 year old by explaining what some of the concrete changes will be but then focus back on what is going to stay the same. Its even fair to tell her that sometimes you'll be feeling sad but that it wont be because of her and that you too will get over it. Open communication is always good with kids and there are lots of nice books for her age at the library. Good luck youre making a leap in the right direction (in my opinion)!

Now that school is starting up again, it will make it a bit easier. The guidance counselor at the elementary school has resources to help children through this rough time. It was a great help to my boys as their father and I worked through the separation and divorce. Keep the routine the same, kids NEED a routine for stability. Do not let anyone talk negatively about their Dad in their presence. There are also many books at the library, or store, to help, the only name that I can remember is Mr and Mrs Dino are divorcing (Ithink). The counselor should already be at the school, call and make an appointment.

Also, if you are the only one that wants the counselling, don't waste your money. Instaed find a good attorney. I used one from Glen Burnie, she was great.

First off, GET A LAWYER! Protect yourself and the your children. Your hubby is abusive. If he can not control you then he is going to WANT control over the kids. You and the kids are going to need some kind of counciling because of the controling issues.
I will say there is alot of good advice in this column. YOU will need to figure out what is BEST for your kids and yourself tho...
Good Luck!

I would consult a lawyer too. More importantly, I would take time to think about what you want. Do you want a divorce? You do have a say in the matter. Is it just the fact that you are staying at your parent's house that is the main issue? Or is it just an excuse to start something?

Fight for what you want.
M.

hi S.,
boy, i'm sorry you're going through this, and just as sorry that you've had to deal with this throughout your marriage. no one should be controlled to this degree. i can't imagine having to keep a white-glove-immaculate house with newborns and toddlers around, let alone trying to do it while working full-time!
everyone says they won't bad mouth their spouse to the kids, but most divorcing parents do. really really try not to be one of them, even if he isn't upholding his end of the bargain. it'll be confusing and painful for the kids no matter what, but you can mitigate it to a large degree by surrounding them with love (yay for your parents!!!), giving them plenty of structure and routine, and lots of reassurance that no matter what they are loved by both of you.
good luck.
khairete
S.

I am no psychiatrist, but he unfortunately sounds ill and not just as an overly-controlling husband.

For your son, the key is to emphasize that Mommy and Daddy still love all the children and that this breakup isn't because of them or anything that the kids did. Sometimes marriages don't work out. Then keep the divorce and any disagreements with your spouse to yourself and out of the sight of the children. The divorce is between the parents, the kids are along for the ride.

My parents divorced when I was around your son's age. We all knew about the divorce disputes, but my Dad never undercut my Mother as our mother and my Mother mostly observed the same rule.

I totally agree with SA. Your marriage is on the verge of being abusive, his need for power and control is unreasonable. And what he does to you he probably does to the children, but behind your back. I know because I was there myself, and my son was the unknown target. Get therapy for you and for your children, and get a good attorney.

First off, be as honest as you can with your children. They don't need to know all of the dirty details about the divorce, but they need to know that daddy isn't coming back. You need to reiterate that no matter what happens, you will always love them and be there for them. When my former husband and I divorced, it was hard; one night my daughter was crying because she wanted him. The hardest thing I had to do was go into her room and tell her to look around. I told her that her dad and I were divorced, that he wasn't coming back, and that we (me and her) were now a family unit. It may sound harsh, but she got it.

I would also recommend talking to her school and daycare (if he/she is in one). They need to be kept abreast of what is going on. Know that eventually your children (those who are at the age to remember, especially the 8 yr. old) will eventually act out because of the divorce. When I divorced, my daughter was 5 yrs. old. She did pretty well in kindergarten, first, and second grade. In third grade, it was a different story. She saw other kids with fathers and wanted her own (she has no contact with her father - he gave up his parental rights). At this juncture, I went to her teacher and guidance counselor and explained what was going on. The counselor at her elementary school ran an 8 week separation/divorce group for kids that were struggling with this issue. It helped my daughter to see that there were others in her school that were going through the same thing. She made some good friends that way and they supported each other. You may want to see if your child's counselor does/can do a group like that.

I additionally had my daughter see a psychologist. God knows,thatt I talked to her about he issue anytime that she wanted to, but I found that I didn't always know how to respond to her. It gave me piece of mind that she was talking to a trained professional.

I hope this helps! I've been there. It is tough; and you're at the beginning. Keep your chin up though. Put your kids first and all will turn out well. Wishing you all the best!

M. L.

I know this was not the question you asked but it sounds like your husband might have some OCD issues. Perhaps if he could get some personal counseling and maybe some meds if he needs them your marriage might improve. I am not a doc but I personally struggle with issues (myself being the neat/control freak) but I am the one taking care of the house and kids so it doesnt really effect my husband as much as it would if the roles were reversed.

Best Wishes!

Kids are smarter than you think. Your 8 yr old must have seen a lot the fighting. Living with a control freak is no fun for anyone. It's important you tell her the divorce is not her fault. Kids sometimes feel responsible. It's hard to tell how she might react. She might be relieved if the fighting will be finally over or she'll have mixed feelings. Things are just not working out between you and Daddy. Get a lawyer of your own and I'd be careful about custody issues. Certainly he should visit the kids, but them visiting him when he wants everything so perfect would probably not go well. The best of luck going through this difficult time.