A heads up. I have been married twice. My first husband and I were married for 15 years, we had one son. Upon our divorce we both remarried. I had no other children but my ex ending up having 3 others. These would be my sons half brothers and sister. There is a 14 year age difference between our son and his oldest half brother. They all get along good. My ex and I had a special friendship thoughtout our lives. I even got along with his wife and we shared holidays together. Last year my ex died, prior to his death, he believed (because he told me and our son) that his wife was not so much cheating on him, but he felt like she was looking and always chatting facebook with her ex boyfriends. She is suppose to be a christian women, although he would tell me that she was jealous of me, why i dont know, and never made her feel unwelcomed. It just me and my ex were better friends then husband and wife. Thoughout the years, she would introduce my son as her step son and her children referred to my son and thier step brother, he corrected them several times, that he was in fact their half brother and what that meant. After my ex's death, my son became protected over her and the kids, helping doing what he could. But she and the kids still referred to him as the step brother. On mothers day he called her a couple of times and she did not answer the phone, he left her messages and she did not call back. Prior to this I told him, she will go on with her life and that just to remember those kids were still his family. He did not want to believe that she would not be part of his life after is fathers death. She did take him out to dinner on his birthday along with his wife, bu thte kids still that evening referred to his as his step brother. He takes pride in being their half brother and wants her to step up and correct the kids. Two are teenagers and the other is 10 years old. They never talk about their dad anymore. And my son found out that when she took them on vacation, she visited the man his dad was most concereded about. She now rarley call him, maybe once a month or less. Yesterday my son said to me, well (so and so) will not mention her name, is moving to another house, she called me and I told her i was going to be out of town, but she said not to worry she had everything worked out. He then said, she does not care about me, and the kids still refer to me as their step brother. I did not know how to respond, but to say, she will go on with her life, and all you can do as a big brother is to know in your heart that those kids are still your blood family and be there for them. Maybe someday they will come around, just keep doing what you do and love them. Teach them when they get older and I am sure they will understand you better as they reach adulthood. I felt sad for him and i know it weighs heavy on his mind. He is grown and he may be thinking that is a connection to his dad. Both his grandprents on his dad side are deceased and the only one left on his dads side is one brother who our son does not even know, but they are close to her and her kids. My son did say, mom you were right, she pulled away and she is going on with her life, it's like i am not part of that family anymore. I really was at a loss for words. Any suggetions?
He can foster a relationship with his siblings without her, and should. He can text them, FB, email, call visit. He does not need her approval. They are all old enough to decide for themselves if they want a relationship with their brother.
I hope he keeps after them!
:)
You know, kids have all kinds of role models. These kids are lucky that they might still have your son in their lives. At any level.
I wouldn't get caught up in semantics. People can be dull and just "not get it". O. day the kids will be old enough to realize that he is indeed their half brother.
If they are two teenagers and a 10 year old, then they are old enough to communicate through email, chat, FB, phone calls, etc. And I think your son would be comforted by having a O.-on-O. connection with all 3 of them.
And maybe he really needs to have a heart-to-heart with his stepmother and let her know that wherever the road takes her, he still wants to be in touch. With her and his brothers.
It doesn't matter what he is called - half, step or whole. He loves those boys, and should stay in their lives. They sound old enough that he could contact them directly and take them to a ball game, a movie, out for pizza.
He is mourning the loss of his father and the change in family dynamics that sometimes happens when the family member connecting the extended family is gone.
It is up to him now to be that connecting family member.
Most importantly, he should, through word and deed, support her and the boys through whatever life changes they go through.
God Bless
I would encourage him to focus on them, and maybe find a time to say, "Do you know the difference between a stepbrother and a half/blood brother? We have the same father, so we're brothers." It may take time, but if he's an adult and they are teens, he can have that conversation with them. I wouldn't wait for the mom to step up, since she hasn't yet. I'm sorry that she's not supporting him as part of the family and I hope his siblings don't abandon him, too.
That must be hard... he should look up the older sons on FB and add them.
Semantics and "labels" don't dictate relationships. If your son has a solid relationship with his siblings, that's all that matters. It is clear that his connection with his stepmother was largely facilitated by his relationship with his father. Now that his father has passed, the connection isn't there.
Your son is an adult and this is another life lesson, albeit a difficult one. He should continue to communicate with his siblings and attend their events. He should continue to solidify his role as their "big brother" and not worry about the stepmother. Depending on their proximity, he could have a "siblings" night once a month and have them over for pizza or take them somewhere fun.
Most of my aunts are my father's 1/2 sisters, but that concept simply doesn't exist in my family. My father is 18 years older than the youngest of his 8 sisters, lives across the country from all of them and was married before my youngest aunt went to Kindergarten. He talks to each of them every week and attends every single event that they have... without question or hesitation (including my cousins' events). He doesn't use the terms "1/2" or "step", but that took work on HIS part to maintain those connections and it is so worth it! He will NOT regret the phone time, travel time or cost of maintaining those relationships.
I am sorry for your loss...how great that your ex-husband and you were able to remain friends and co-parent together!! that says sooo much!!!
I think Denise is right - some people just don't get it. The W. sounds like a flake to me. Who knows!! She's dealing with grief her own way? Is it possible she poisoned him? I don't know - if she's moving on fast - maybe even before he was dead - she would have rather been a widower than a divorcee....i know - that's bad - guess I watch too many "who dunnit shows"...
Any way - I would encourage my son to keep in touch with his half-siblings....instead of correcting them when they say it - just let it roll off his back - one day - I would HOPE, they will get it.....until then....the more he says it - the more they will just ignore it....at least that's my opinion, especially since they are teenagers now.. they SHOULD GET IT.
Just tell your son he's an AMAZING young man and that he shouldn't lose hope or give up...but to chose to pick his battles and let this one slide off his back...do what he can to keep in touch with them and hopefully, one day - they will see just how lucky they are to have him in their life!!
Some siblings are not close and it makes no difference if they are full or step siblings.
Your son is married and perhaps the step Mom feels he is taking on too much parenting of her kids and she'd like some distance.
He can send birthday/Christmas cards and invite them to family picnics, parties, etc.
Either they will come to him on their own, or they will grow apart.
Not every family lives on each others door step all the time.
Perhaps your son should concentrate on his marriage and see about having a child or two of his own to keep him busy.
He should just stay in touch (this is why some people do Christmas family news letters) and let them know where he is.
He sounds like a very caring brother and stepson. His stepmother should count herself lucky.
Perhaps she sees too much of his father in him and it's painful for her being so close to her husband's death. Since you don't know what was really in her heart, and there's no proof one way or another besides suspicion, it would be better to assume that she wasn't cheating and had no intention of it.
So here we are with your son mourning the loss of his father and the only other people who were close to him before he died. He wants that closeness with them, to maintain contact and closeness with them, and to maintain some normalcy. But the thing is that his stepmother really is moving on and through her lack of communication, through her choice of when to get together, and her choice of terminology, she's setting some very clear boundaries and is actually communicating very clearly what she wants.
You can't force a relationship with someone who isn't interested, and that includes familial relationships. Since her children are minors that means that your son shouldn't overstep any boundaries or force the issue. I think he should absolutely remain present in their lives as much as she allows and his siblings want, but he may have to prepare himself for the possibility that he won't get the type of relationship he wants.
If he's ever able to sit down and have a face to face with her, I suggest he have a heartfelt discussion with her about this and to be very direct with her about what he wants and what she's comfortable with. Guessing and agonizing aren't doing anyone any good.
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Since he is an adult, I would say he should speak to her as an adult. He should say something like "I realize that you are moving on with your life, as you should, but I want you to know that I still consider you family. You are the mother of my siblings and will always be my step-mom." He shoudl also tell her something like "I don't know how you feel, but I would like to still be a part of your family and continue to stay in contact." At some point in the conversation he should also mention that being referred to as a "step-brother" implies that the kids did not share a parent but were only siblings by marriage and that has always hurt his feelings as they all have the same father."
I too have half-siblings and find it weird that so many people don't seem to know the difference between half and step.
