Just Your Opinion on This Situation.

You don't go to showers for strangers. It doesn't matter that they are a blood relatives. They are total strangers asking you to give them gifts. Very tacky on their part. Decline the invitation.

Why did you accept the friend request? You didn't have to. I would not have done that myself.

It's a gift grab. I wouldn't be a part of that either. I'd send a card and that's it.

Just decline the invitation.
When the birth announcement arrives, send a congratulatory card, no gift.
I wouldn't be FB friends either.

It could just be a gift grab. However, it is possible that she is honestly trying to reach out. Having children can make you think about family in a new way. It sounds like the sister is much younger, so maybe she is growing up and realizing that she would like her child to know their entire family. I had a cousin that I spoke to very infrequently and who barely acknowledged my first child (though she did send a gift :) ). Then she became pregnant with her first when I was pregnant with my second, and we totally bonded. She was in a place where we could relate to each other, and she wanted and appreciated my advice based on my experience.

It sounds like the grandparents will clearly favor the "new" grandkids, so if you want to reach out you will have to learn to live with that. I can see that situation on my own horizon, when my half-sister has kids. If you can see a casual friendship where your kids and hers can get to know each other a bit, that would be great. This could be the perfect time to create a link between your families. Not to say you will be having Christmas mornings together, but it is always nice to have those connections if possible.

I vote for sending the half-sib a very nice card and note (not a gift card, a congratulations card) with a simple "Sorry we can't make the shower -- but glad to hear your news" message. No need to explain or say what else you have to do that day. Just send regrets, be cordial about it. The half-sib may not even be the one behind the invitation and might see it as an olive branch for all you know -- you don't know the motives, so just assume the best.

Sounds like a lot of years of baggage for you and your husband and a lot of justifiable resentment towards his dad and stepmom, but I would note -- at least they and your family have kept in minimal touch. Yeah, they didn't even put your name on cards for a time, but for 15 years they have.. Again, assume the best and not the worst--they realized they were lax and corrected that one little thing they could correct, and though it doesn't fix years of preferring other kids to your husband, it does give a tiny point for civility.

I would not cut them off entirely over this or ignore all further contacts as others seem to recommend. Just continue the level of cards at holidays and birthdays. Someday his dad may want more contact though I would not wait for it or hope for it, but at least everyone acknowledges everyone's existence. That at least is civil. They aren't toxic to you and yours at this point, just distant. Sad, but cutting everyone off forever achieves nothing.

The FB side of this is what bugs me. I am not on it for exactly this kind of reason -- it creates a lot of morasses and questions about "Why did so and so friend me? What's she after?" Well, again, assume that maybe she truly wanted to rekindle some contact now that she's pregnant. Or maybe she also did want to just get in on a gift grab. Who knows? Send regrets for the party, send a card but no gift, and block her so you can't see her posts to your FB or however that works. If she says "Why don't you reply to my FB stuff" just tell her that your FB is limited to immediate family.

Based on the history you presented in your question... I would ignore all contact, trash the gift grabbing invitation and most certainly not be friends on FB.

Being someone with a husband who has a rather tortured history with his blood family as well, I would say that you need to ask your husband. I also completely understand the husband being a nice guy aspect. Mine, too. Always sees the best in people and does his darnedest to put everyone in the best light all the time. (It's the only way he could stay happily married to me, I'm sure. :P )

I would first, defer to husband. If he would like to attempt to kindle a relationship with his half-sister, then I think you would be out of line to completely ignore the invitation. Personally, I would not go. I'm not traveling out of state several hundred miles to spend time at a baby shower with people I don't know. Just isn't going to happen.
However, if your husband wants to extend an olive branch or whatever, see where it goes... then you could send a small gift. Or perhaps a congratulatory card with an open remark that you'd enjoy meeting her and the baby after the birth.

Then see if you hear back. You never know. But it isn't just YOUR invite, really. It's a line/connection to your husband's family, and I wouldn't want to be responsible for cutting it without husband being completely on board. That's just how I do things.

There have been many times that I have disagreed with his decisions about how to handle some members of his family. I tell him my concerns, my opinion, etc, but at the end of the day, they are his family. If he could so easily turn his back at some of the things I have wished that he would, then he wouldn't be the man I know and love and cherish.

Ask your husband. And have this discussion with him. He's a grown up. He can handle it.

Ah! Don't you love the kind of people who ignore everyone's life events until they happen to THEM? Then you should be honored for the invite. (Eye roll.)

What does your husband think?

I'd definitely be sending my regrets. Previous plans with MY busy family, you know.

I probably would send a small gift card for peace in the family and goodwill.

Miss Manners will disagree with me, but I think in this case, Miss Manners has poor boundaries.

Unfriend her on Facebook (I'd have never accepted her request) and toss that invite in the trash. I'd stay far, far away from that can of worms. It's a mess based on a long history that you have nothing to do with and I would avoid it all. It's most likely that the invite was sent based solely on duty-to-family. You needn't respond, nor should you send a gift or card.

I believe pregnancy has a way of making you see family relationships differently.

As for your question, it all depends on what you're comfortable with and if you want any type of relationship with the daughter. Ignoring her invitation or de-friending her on Facebook are perfectly acceptable considering the history. Cautiously moving forward with the relationship is fine too.

I think it might help you to think of hubby's relationship with his father and step-mother separately from the possible relationship with half-sister. She's an adult now (you don't state her age) and maybe she's matured to the point where she wants to reach out and get to know the rest of the family.

I'm going to respond in kind . . . the kind of treatment that we have received over the years. Send a card. That's it. No gift (decline the invite in a nice way of course).

I wouldn't be friends on FB either unless I'm the type with 800-900 friends and it really doesn't matter to me either way.

I'm not suggesting to hold a grudge. I just think it's wise to see reality for what it is. Some people are users. It's that simple. If they want to get to know you guys and be a part of your lives there is a better way to go about it. And are you really supposed to go to a shower where you don't know anyone? And why don't you know anyone? Gee, that's a good question for your FIL (not that he'd ever acknowledge his responsibility in the matter).

JMO.

I think I've missed your question. What are you asking?
On the one hand, you are complaining that you are not treated like part of the family. On the other, you are acting put out by an invitation to a baby shower. I don't get it.
My husband and I both have siblings who make minimal effort to stay in touch with our parents. None of us live in the same state. We, on the other hand, reach out to our parents often. We actively work on our relationship with both sets of parents. So when the siblings complain that they aren't treated equally, it kind of pisses me off - they aren't the ones who drove 16 hours to help pack up the parents' house and move. They aren't the ones who remember the birthdays and call every week. They complain about the parents all the time. And being the youngest in my family, my older siblings never really got to know our parents as anything but parents - when they left home, the parents were still raising me. But when I was a teen, I was the only one home, so I got to know them more as adults. My older siblings have a very different view of our parents than I do, and they still hold on to every slight and conflict of their childhood years, whereas I see them as adults who struggled to do the best they could with us.
I think you and your husband have a very black and white view of a very grey situation.

Don't go to the shower, and don't send a gift. If you want to put a "congrats" message on FB, go ahead.

Remain open to contact - sometimes when people have kids, they start to think about extended family and the relationships they've abandoned. But sometimes it's just fishing for a present.Time will tell.

I'm a mom and a stepmom, and the step kids have children. There are ex-wife/ex-husband and step-grandparnets relationships. There are people who connect, and people who don't. If people are sincerely interested in a relationship and a connection, it will transcend gift-giving opportunities and you will eventually know who is sincere and who is not. Just take the high road and don't engage in too much conversation about it. Oooh-aaahh over photos and otherwise keep your distance until you see a pattern of sincere desire for engagement.

It does seem weird that she would send you a shower invite. I think if it were me I would simply rsvp "sorry, can't make it but congratulations!" and maybe send a card. That's it.

I think the ball is totally in your court.

If you want to go and try to establish some sort of relationship with them, then do that. If it doesn't work out, so what, just keep going with your life like you're doing now.

If you don't feel comfortable going and like things the way they are (out of touch and out of mind), simply decline the invitation.

These people are essentially strangers. If you want to make the effort, do so. If not, just don't. No need to feel guilt or obligation or any of those complicated feelings that family matters seem to bring up, since they're not *really* family.

It's totally up to you, but don't overthink this.

I think that while you place some blame on the SM, there is no father who truly cares about his child that wouldn't make that relationship happen. IMO, if his father was an out of sight out of mind kind of dad, that's more on him than your DH. I'm sorry he was raised that way, and it is their loss.

I would congratulate them and send a card and a gift card if you feel up for it.

It may honestly be an olive branch, but you won't know until it pans out. Worst comes? You gave a baby a gift.

(And I do agree that if this woman is also his father's daughter, then she is his sister, even if only technically a half sibling...)

I'd probably send my regrets about not being able to attend and maybe a card once the baby is born. It does seem gift grabbie since you live out of state and they've really never done anything to reach out to you before.

Adding that I probably wouldn't have friended her on facebook. Just because someone send a request doesn't mean you have to accept.

Of course there's always a chance it's a gift grab, but who cares? She has reached out to you, and you have a choice.

You can assume it's just a gift grab, ignore the invitation and potentially make that what they remember about you OR you cand find a positive way to respond. Maybe all you do is politely decline the invitation and call it a day. You could send a card and a nice (small or big) gift with your sencere congratulations. You can even attend, if that's even a possibility.

I would definitely NOT simply ignore the invite. At the very least you owe it to her (anyone, really) to let then know you won't be attending.

I think you should take a chance and at least send them card and a gift. If it is just a gift grab then you will be out a small amount of time and money. But if it is sincere, wouldn't you like to know?

I do not know how I personally would handle this. The good person in me would like to try. Maybe in their own way, its trying to make up for the past. Just be very very cautious that way you do not get hurt.

I would not go to shower nor would I send a gift!

First, the kids his dad has with the stepmother are your husbands half siblings, not step siblings (there is a blood line).

I too had a dad that left when I was a baby and remarried and had other children so I can understand where you're coming from. I do keep in touch with my half siblings but not as much as with my full blood sister. We always had a strong bond (including with our brother who has passed away) after growing up without our dad.

It does sound like a gift grab, but you never really know. I would stay friends on Facebook and see where it goes. If you feel obligated send a card with a gift card to congratulate them.

I would send a gift and call it a day. You are right you can't summarize your family in a few paragraphs. I don't think I get all the little things. Still no harm in sending a gift. You may find out they changed, you may find out nothing has changed.

Maybe it's a "gift grab", maybe she's wanting a connection for the new baby and her cousins, maybe something else entirely.

I would send a nice gift, and card with a sincere note hoping for the cousins to know each other and be friends one day.

You can never, never go wrong taking the high road.

You can't blame her for the sins of her father.
I would probably not go, but I would send a card, a little outfit, and some butt paste.
L.

Yeah...just ignore the invite and don't have contact on Facebook. It xis kinda late in the game to change things especially if your husband doesn't really care about the situation.

If this sister is contacting you now because she wants to remedy the past then she will find a way to express that in some way other than Facebook. It sounds to me like maybe step mom said we better invite dad's son and family to the baby shower (just in case you would be offended if not invited) but they probably don't expect you to show.

I wouldnt send anything and I wouldn't go. thats just me though.

I'd send a thank you, congratulations and a few pictures of your own children. If she is interested in continuing a relationship with you beyond a shower,let her know you are busy for that, if you feel like it send some sort of a gift (there are plenty of reasonably priced gifts out there) and offer to see her somewhere after her baby is born.

I have similar family dynamics. The only place I've ever heard of a "Gift Grab" is on mamapedia...on not just in relation to this post. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, until I don't ;)

This is what I would do: since the baby shower isn't close by I would NOT attend but I would send a gift and a nice card to be opened at the shower. Then I would wait and see what happens. Does the half sister (i'm confused sounds like step mom did not bring children into the marriage but had them with your FIL) try to build a relationship? It probably won't be right after the baby is born as most moms are overwhelmed but might happen as time goes on. I'd leave the roads open.

Don't bother sending a gift. Just send her a "congratulations" message on Facebook and leave it at that. Some people are just Facebook friends (even some family) and that is okay.

You know I'd be annoyed, but because of how I was raised this is what I would do.

I would send a regret for the party, along with a small gift and a card.

I can tell you that some people who don't have children just don't get it. Maybe now she is wanting that close relationship because she sees what she missed. Or maybe the step-mother is realizing she made a mistake in how she handled everything over the last 20 year. Also though, what a shame that his dad was the way he was - that's the main issue here.

So, I would likely unfollow her on FB, if you unfriend it will cause drama, and then just keep your distance unless they reach out and you WANT to have a relationship with them.

I think it depends where you want to go with this. If you would like to be friendly then send a small gift with a note of congrats and a heartfelt sentiment of hoping to unite the families one day. Then leave it up to them to respond. And don't blame his half-siblings. They were persuaded by the parents. Maybe this is their way of getting to know their brother now that they are adults?

If you think it's a gift grab then toss the invite out ASAP and don't give it another thought.

I would not attend the shower, but I might send a card and an inexpensive gift...something easy to send by mail like a baby bracelet or a small piece of clothing. Just say "congratulations" on the card and be done with it. As far as facebook, you can just not respond to the friend request. It sounds like there's no relationship anyway, but I always figure that it never hurts to be polite.

I'd send a gift and be done with it.

If you want to go to the shower, go. If you don't want to go, don't go. If you feel like sending a gift, send one. If you don't, don't. You could send a nice card.