Develpong 11 Year Old with an Aversion to Soap and Shampoo.

Interesting, she will let you wash her hair, but she will not let you in her room while she is dressing. You have provided all the necessities. You have given her all the information. You might have to kind of step back and see what happens, but keep the lines of communication as open as you can. Change is scary sometimes. My daughter who is now 20 got extremely private at this time in her life. We talked some, but she also had health classes in school to kind of confirm information.

If you think of it, these changes are being forced on her, not by you, but by growing up. She may be feeling not ready for them, not ready for change. Give her time. You will know if things are becoming a major issue, like lack of deodorant or the bra thing.

Yes, I remember this time too...saw the comment about talking in the car...my mom did that...didn't go well. I would have appreciated it much better (looking back) if she would have acknowledged how difficult it is to see your body changing...I had a mom who I felt didn't respect my privacy (probably wasn't that bad though). She just didn't understand that I was not comfortable with growing up, and her attempts at talking with me just made me defensive. I see her behavior as a sign that she is also uncomfortable. I would go with validating her feelings...maybe tell her about the things you hated about growing up...that might have been a better approach for my mom, then maybe I would have felt I could have trusted her more. Instead we had power struggles, and any important talks throughout my teen years didn't go well. Hopefully this approach will help her to feel you understand her, and she will be more open to you.

My 13 year old daughter had to be reminded to shower and to rinse her hair well and this and that. I got her the book "The Keeping and Caring Off You" by American girl. You can get it at Bath and Body Works at the mall or on line. She liked it and has read it a few times. It covers lot of these topics and is aimed at 10-14 year olds.

Hi N. - my best advice on this one is to speak with her doctor and perhaps a consult with a therapist. If this goes beyond you and her going to the store together and smelling and sampling soaps and finding what she likes (maybe a simple issue of control - or sensitivity to smell), then it is a far more serious issue that should be dealt with by a professional.

I know I have a sister with similiar issues and we found it was due to - or somehow associated with - her learning disabilities. (Not sure exactly, she's older and I just heard bits and pieces - but I did have to live with her odor...)

I'm thinking have the consults without her. There may be some very serious underlying issues here that you are totally unaware of.

Time for Mother Bear!

American Girl has a great book. It's called "The Care and Keeping of Me" I gave it to my daughter when she was 10. She is just about 12. It will open the door for a ton of questions. You can purchase it at any bookstore or even Bath & Body Works. You could also take her shopping and let her pick out some body wash and shampoo. My DD loves the American Girl line from B&BW.

"The Care and Keeping of You" is a great book by American Girl. It is all about keeping your body healthy. I gave it to my step daughter when she was nine and going through the non-showering stage. She is now thirteen, active athlete and showers on a regular basis!!

Wow - you brought me back to when I was 11: ;-) This is a trying time - emerging adolescence....we, as parents, know how important it is to be clean, but the kids want to have nothing to do with us or our advice. How about you just let her "stew" in it for a few days. I have a feeling, once the other kids at school start mentioning her odor, greasy hair (oh, I was so greasy at 11!),she might come around. Or perhaps you could talk to her best friend, have her talk to your daughter. Peer pressure always seems to be more of a motivator than anything a parent has to say!
I know how tough this is on you, but hang in there. This to shall pass!
:-) P.

Hi N.,
I have a 9 yr old daughter, she isn't going through this....yet.... but this is just an idea. I am a sales rep for a company called The Happy Soul. We are an aromatherapy company that uses essental oils. We sell a very nice Pure Bath line that is unscented. We have different essential oils that have different kinds of healing properties and different smells. We mix our own shampoo and soap here at home and we have a lot of fun doing it. My daughter loves mixing her own "recipe" (with my supervision, of course) but it gets her involved and she uses it more happily since she "designed" it.
If you are interested you can contact me directly at
____@____.com
I feel like I am being a billboard but I truly do use the Aromatherapy and really enjoy doing it and would like to share it with everyone! anyway, like I said, it is just an idea.....
Good luck!
~M.

I would back off of the bra and the shaving. Her body, her choice, and neither of them is necessary.

As for the hygeine issue, take her to a place that every girl loves....a Bath and Body Works! Let her pick out her own soaps, shampoos, conditioners, deoderants, scrubby sponges, etc.

Some kids hate change, especially change that they don't understand. Puberty ranks high in that category! My girls are young so my experience isn't direct - these are just ideas. First, how about taking her out for a mom and me date, lunch and shopping. Talk to her in the car (ha - she can't escape!) about washing and the consequences of not doing so (you'll smell and kids will notice it). Then perhaps let her pick out what she'd like to use - her own shampoo, her own conditioner, her own soap and her own deoderant. Perhaps her own underthings as well. It puts her in control of an issue she may not like not being in control of. If she's not into mom stepping in, you could ask a close female friend (an older cousin, aunt, friend) whom you know she trusts. While it would be a bummer for you to be out of rhe picture directly, at least the issue would be resolved! Best of luck!

I am going thru the same thing with my 11 year old girl. She only takes a shower when I prod her relentlessly. Now that she is approaching the hormonal age, her hair is getting greasy sooner (miss that little kid hair that stays sweet smelling). Once she gets in, I have to then pull her out or she'd stay in for 45 minutes (just like the 11 year old boy whose Mom posted today). A note: I think it is just a phase. I remember being that age, and getting caught reading a book in the bathroom while the shower ran! As soon as I began noticing boys my personal hygiene improved...

Being a mom of four teenagers, I can fully relate to your daughter's aversion to soap and washing. With every one of our children, around that age came a period of time when it was somewhat of a battle to get them to properly care for themselves. Even when we got them to get in the shower, a few of them would come out ten, fifteen minutes later, saying they were done, only to find out they didn't even wash up at all!!! We would have to go so far as to smell their hair, and check their body for signs of dirt still on them!! So, back in the shower we would make them go! Deodorant was not used all the time either, but eventually they all learned the valuable lesson of keeping neat, clean, and well cared for. Now we can't get them out of the shower!!! But that is not to say we weren't on them for a seemingly way too long of a period of time!! We had to stay on top of them, regardless of whether they appreciated it or not, whether they wanted us to or not. Ya, they wanted us to leave them alone, but we didn't. Nor should you in regards to at least making sure she is washed and clean. Shaving and the bra thing can probably wait. She's only eleven. Buy her some training bras if you feel she really needs them, and just put them in her drawer without her knowing. She'll eventually begin wearing them on her own, but don't push it.
If you read up on the subject, you will find this to an extent the norm for kids this age. So remember that, and take your battles with a grain of salt, knowing that this too, shall pass away. As with the terrible two's, the never ending five year old's questions, etc., with patience and understanding, you will be able to gracefully ride this one out, too.
It is important to continue to stress to your daughter the importance to be clean, and continue to encourage her in doing so. She may not particularly like it all the time, but you are still her mother, and you are responsible to find a way to teach her what she must know, and see to it that she eventually learns. Your daughter is probably embarrassed about her changing body, as many kids become. Sharing things gently with her, the changes she is going through, and how it is all very normal will help her out. Be sure she knows however that as her body changes, so do her hygiene needs, thus the greater need for her to shower, use deodorant, etc. Just let her know ahead of time the things that she will be experiencing in the near future, let her know matter of factly that it's normal and nothing to be ashamed about, and that it's ok for her to talk to you about it. That's what you're there for.
I just reread your request and realized you said you still have to wash her hair, she showers, yet she will not let you in her room when she dresses. I would like to let you know it seems to me she is playing a power game with a bit. I also have three points I would like to touch on. #1: She is eleven years old. At that age, I was babysitting children, caring for them, and you are still washing her hair for her??? With all due respect, it seems perhaps you may have created your own monster to an extent here. She should have been weaned from this practice years ago. And when I think back to that age, there is no way I would have wanted my mom seeing my bare body at all!!! #2: You must obviously see her bare body when you wash her hair in the shower, but she won't let you see her as she gets dressed?? This in itself is a contradiction, but it also leads me to point #3: There shouldn't even be an issue with you being in the room with her getting dressed-she's eleven years old, not three. Eleven year olds should not have their mommy in the room with them. Give her her privacy. As she says, "leave her alone". Besides my four teenagers, I also have a six year old who cares for herself fully in the morning from washing up, to dressing, to brushing her teeth, to brushing her hair. There is no need for you to be doing so much for your daughter. To a certain extent, you should leave her alone, to another extent-holding her accountable to washing and bathing herself properly-you shouldn't.
Make her wash her own hair, tell her she must shower herself. If she doesn't, and insists on her continued outright defiance regardless of your insisting, let her know there will be consequences: Some form of a punishment-perhaps no sports game or practice, no night out over her friends, whatever. Something that is important to her. Good luck.

Hi N.,
Discomfort with her changing body is something my 12 year old went through last year (6th grade). I couldn't get her to wear a bra either and she needed to. She wore her baggy sweatshirt to school EVERY DAY (I finally had to get her another one so I could wash the original). One thing that helped was going bra shopping with her (or go to the store with her and a good friend of hers and let the friend help). She didn't like the sports bras that I got her and when we went to the store I let her pick out what she wanted (that was appropriate and fit correctly). I also bought her some cami's that could be worn under a blouse or shirt that took the place of a bra - she liked that, too. Now that she is in 7th grade she wears a bra every day and has graduated to wearing her Northface instead of the baggy sweatshirts. Trust me, her friends will get her to shower and use deoderant when she gets smelly - don't get too nuts about that - the girls are uncomfortable with the changes and it seems this is the only thing in her control. It will pass. Good luck [to us both!!] Ps American Girl has a great book on the subject and is perfect for their age group.

Hi N., I have an 11-year-old daughter, too, (along with a 14 y/o stepdaughter, 13 y/o stepson and 3 y/o daughter). When my girls started developing, I found some nice books by the "American Girl Library" that address tons of issues from personal hygeine, friendships, getting your period, acne, etc. One title I found very helpful was "The Care and Keeping of You". It has great info geared for the girl's age and interest level, and Mom can read it, too, to get ideas about how to talk to their daughters about it. They have a whole series for pre-teens, another one that comes to mind is "Skin and Nails ... care tips for girls". The books might be a starting point for you. Good luck, and I do second the previous advice about letting her "stew" and get sick of her own self. My daughter never wants to listen to what I have to say ... she'd rather figure it out for herself, or hear it from a teacher, friend or coach.

I, too, remember going through that stage myself. I also agree with the suggestions of taking her out shopping & letting her pick her own things. Try not to worry about the money... but let her pick out her own soap, shampoo, deodorant, MAYBE a bra if she seems open to it... and a few other things besides, clothes or jewelry.... so that it's not just about the hygiene issues.

It may also be a good idea to let her make this shopping trip with someone else - a godmother, aunt, or other close friend of the family?? - an older female that's not you. Although it may be hard for you to accept, it might be easier for her to do this with someone other than her mother.

I don't have teenagers yet and it will be awhile before I do. However, I do remember that period in my life. For me personally on bras, I am sensitive to latex and spandex and so any bra is very uncomfortable for me to wear. I make my own now out of 100% cotton. You can buy them online as well if you do a search for them. I refused to shave my self for a couple years until I noticed other girls talking about their legs and such. Then I gave it a shot, without talking to anyone first about it. Deoderant is another thing for me that most of them burn when I use them.

So one thing to possibly think about is, are there any sensitivities she has that are making the change issue worse. Peer pressure is a great motivator to change even if you don't like it (as long as it is a good change). I remember "stewing" in it myself until one day all my family were like "what died in here?". They did it such that it didn't look like they were talking about me but I got the message - wash up!

Hope this helps.