How Do I Talk to My Daughter About Her B.O.?

Buy her the American Girl book. It talks about all the growing-up kind of stuff with girls' bodies, including body odor and deodorant.

My daughter has been direct with her daughter at that age. She says in a good humored way, "you stink! Go take a shower and remember the deodorant. " when my granddaughter was around 10 they read the less embarrassing parts of a book by lia Matera, About Girls, together. I gave her the American Girl book The Care and Feeding of You which she read on her own.

And both my daughter and I put stick deodorant on the bathroom counter. We never had a lengthy conversation with her. I suggest you stop trying to talk to her about it, give her a book to provide the info and tell her directly to take a shower when sge needs one. Or make it a family routine to take showers.

As to the attitude. My granddaughter lives with me and tells me she doesn't want to talk about it when I bring up a sensitive to her subject. I honor that request. Either I watch for a better time to bring it up again or she lets me know it's ok now. With her, a better time is usually when we're in the car or watching tv and she's chatty. She used to get angry and defensive until I learned to drop it.

Also, I've learned that when she makes a smart remark like, "I don't care or I know that" she has heard and often does follow thru. I've learned to never fight with her and to only insist on talking when it's essential.

My granddaughter is now 14 and still has to be reminded to shower. I can't smell her but her Mom says she gets pretty ripe sometimes.

"Honey, you have B.O. It's time to start using deodorant (or anti-perspirant)."

It's that simple. Buy it for her, or take her to pick some out, and bug her until she uses it. I don't know why you are pussyfooting around this. She can't go around stinking.

Let her be mad. It's time for deodorant.

Maybe appeal to her intellect and explain that the BO isn't made by her-- it's made by the bacteria feasting on her sweat and then pooping it out. That's why we stink-- it isn't us, it's our bacteria. She might not take it so personally~ this really isn't her fault, per se, she just has smelly bacteria and will need to deal with it. She can take a shower daily; I found that using the salt crystal-type deodorant right after showering really helps because salt kills bacteria. And being sure that any hair under the arm is removed-- it can trap the odor very easily and is just more surface for the bacteria to cling to.

Be sure to tell her that you and mom were both stinky teenagers as well, and you know it isn't any fun to hear about it, and that it's just a part of our culture-- we aren't big on body odor here in the West and that's okay.

ETA: in response to an assertion that this site is only for fathers--nope. Apparently, if teens can go around the TOS on this site to use it, actual legitimate parents are VERY welcome, regardless of gender.

i was right around that age when my dad 'talked' to me about it. my mom had died recently, i had 4 brothers including an infant, and our lives were in chaos. no one was supervising baths, in a tropical climate where water was scarce, and i was getting funky. and my dad broached the subject with disgust dripping from his voice. it was an agonizingly embarrassing moment for me, and i still recall it vividly, almost half a century later.
so i appreciate your sensitivity in approaching this.
i absolutely think your wife needs to do it, and has to be firm, sympathetic and kind, and not allow your daughter's 'tude to back her off. no child wants to smell badly, but apparently the push-back against her parents is your daughter's reaction of choice.
so let her push back. mom needs to lay the issue out clearly and concisely, and then let it go. 'esmerelda, you're hitting puberty, and that means your hormones are ramping up as they prepare your body for adulthood. your sweat glands are beginning to produce adult odors, and you need to be aware of that and handle it like a young adult. it's very important for you to wash yourself thoughtfully every day. i've picked out this deodorant for you, but i'd be happy to take you to the drug store and let you pick out your own. you may need to try a few before you settle on your favorite.'
then don't harp on it. if she remains careless about her hygiene it will need be revisited, of course. but i'm betting this will do the trick.
ETA ashlynn is quite wrong. dads are welcome on this site.
khairete
S.

Time to find a few books about how her body is changing and let her read them. Make sure to place several deodorants on the counter for her. Also have mom make her a special bag for her backpack for when she does start her period.

I used to talk to my daughter all the time about BO. I told her by the time she could smell herself everyone else had smelled her stink. So to wash and use deodorant as no one wants to be around a stinky person. She has since grown up and has expressed how some grown women still smell offensive. As she would say no one wants to get next to that ewww..

Otherwise peer pressure with get her and it won't be nice.

As far at the attitude, nip that in the bud. Teach her respect of elders. You are the parents and she is the child. If she doesn't improve, take away a few favorite things or the door of the hinges. Make her think about what she is doing.

Good luck. Be straight about the issue no tiptoeing around. Be frank and matter of fact. Wet, lather, and repeat until she gets it. No nagging.

the other S.

PS "Hey, you smell, take a shower and use deodorant!" A good phrase.

You may have to wait until her peers get the message across to her b/c parents know nothing :)

Also, put her deodorant on her counter in the morning as a reminder.

As well, she needs to have explained to her that getting mad and not listening is disrespectful to you and your wife and that behavior will not be tolerated. If you don't nip that in the bud right now, she is going to run over you as a teenager. She can be embarrassed or frustrated but she should not be showing anger. You are the parent, guide her through her feelings and teach her how to communicate when she is frustrated.

Good luck!

Put 'kindly' down for a little bit.
You don't respond 'kindly' to a bad attitude.
You say 'you're growing up - and growing up stinks - literally'.

Go on to say she's got hormone surges making her surly and the hormones also affect bacterial growth on her skin and sweaty places.

You talk to her when you're driving in a car where she can't get out and you don't have to look at her and she has no electronics to ignore you with.

You tell her you know it's tough (you've gone through the boys version of this and her Mom's gone through the girls version) - but she needs to clean up her act, wash regularly, use a deodorant or antiperspirant - and she'd better clean up her mouth while shes at it because being disrespectful to her parents is going to cause her to lose all her privileges (tv, phone, computer recreational time (she can use it for homework only) if she doesn't act with more respect.
"We love you - but you need to act like a human being and not like a hormonal monster.".
Most women deal with anger by channeling it into cleaning things.
If she's super mad and doesn't know what to do - she can clean the heck out of something.
Then when you get home from your talk - have her wash your car.

Additional:

Sorry Ashlynn R but you are incorrect.
Check the Terms & Conditions but there is NOTHING in the rules that says only Moms are permitted.
It's for anyone who has child rearing questions.
That means besides Moms we have Dads, grandparents, step parents, teachers, coaches, etc.
There are a very few who want this to be exclusively for Moms - but it's not the reality.

I think you handle it like you handle all aspects of personal care. You brush your teeth, you floss, you wipe after using the toilet (and not back to front for girls), you shower, you wash before eating, you deal with underarm and body odor. Most kids get angry about something that requires them to do something! In the short run, I would avoid sitting with her, make her sit in the back seat, and talk about BO being caused by bacteria (that may gross her out enough). I'd put a laundry hamper in her room vs. a community hamper in the hall or bathroom, since her clothes smell so much. She may notice the odor in her room even though she doesn't notice it on her body. You can also get her started doing her own laundry since it's so stinky. Don't do it as punishment, just as a necessity. If she thinks she's old enough to make her own decisions about hygiene, she's old enough to take on chores like laundry for herself.

I probably wouldn't ay anything about her offending others such as her friends - peer pressure starts to become a problem at this age and most of it is negative. It may be that a word from her teacher or the school nurse (because someone doesn't want to sit next to her) will carry more weight. If she comes home upset, don't say "I told you so." Just say, "Okay i f you are ready for tween or teenage habits and practices, I'm ready to help to take you to the store to buy deodorant or antiperspirant."

I just tell my 8 year old, who plays sports every day..."Wash everything, so you don't get any germs or smell bad tomorrow".

Then, first thing in the morning, I remind her to brush her teeth, use deodorant, and wear a bra.

She doesn't ask any more, but if she were to ask why, I would just be very frank with her and tell her, "Because you stink" and walk away.

I don't entertain the attitude. I usually walk away and may tell her to knock it off. If she rolls her eyes, I usually ask her if she is looking for her brain and she laughs. Personally, I think the trick is to not get upset when they are snotty or angry. If she is that upset, then sit down and talk to her about hygiene. Explain, if you don't wash your stuff, you will itch...unbearably.

I might also threaten to go in and clean her up myself, that will usually motivate them.

At this point, she knows she must shower every day. My husband has a lot less patients with her. If she were to fuss, he would just scoot her in the restroom and shut the door.

She's 11 years old, she's going through puberty, so yes... she has BO. She likely doesn't smell it. She won't recognize that her pits smell like a dead animal crawled up there in order to die again.

Does she value her clothes yet? Explain how by not taking care of her hygiene and using deodorant/antiperspirant, she can actually risk ruining her favorite clothes. The arm pits of her outfits, even sporty outfits, will turn permanently gray and dingy and look stained and no amount of washing or bleaching will get it out.

I had to be blunt with my now-13-but-will-be14-in-10-days daughter about this issue... several times starting at 10 years old or so. I had to make her smell her own clothes. I've made her smell her own arm pits. The self-awareness just wasn't there. I also had to explain how to prevent odor during her menstrual cycle, because that's a whole other ballgame, that started for us at 11 years old.

It's only just beginning, Dad.

:-)

There's hope. My daughter now bathes nearly every day and has her own deodorant. I just have to make sure that with some guidance I let her choose her own shower wash, shampoo, face wash, pads, and deodorant (we have to use sulfate-free, dye-free, silicone-free, and for pads scent-free). If she doesn't have choice in her hygiene products, and if she has to share with her sisters, she is less likely to maintain.

"Dude! You smell worse than I do, go hit the showers and put on some deoderant!".

I call my grand kids both Dude even though one's a girl and one's a boy. If she has a nickname that's playful to her then use it instead.

If she doesn't hit the shower have mom ready to do the "mom" look and put her in the shower. If she realizes she smells that bad maybe she'll decide she doesn't want to do that.

Something else that often works is peer pressure. If you know any of her friends talk to them and ask them if they've noticed how, at their age, that girls are starting to really really stick from BO. If they say yes then ask them what they say to their friends when they stink to high heaven. Then sort of lead them down the path where they'll tell her she stinks next time.

Peer pressure can be used as a powerful tool if directed and doing what you want them to do.

You can try and be kind and say, it's the b.o. not you ........... but kids hear what they want to hear.. my 12 year smells all the time (hormones) and I constantly have to ride him to change his shirt and clean up.. he gets so upset.. but too mad, I am his parent first and friend second.. although, I think even a good friend should tell you if you smell...
don't be afraid of hurting your daughter's feelings... some things have to be handled directly .... you are doing her a favor by helping her learn to better take care of herself... don't worry about being kind enough.. with kids, for some things, you have to be firm... I tried the gentle and kind approach with my son... it didn't work... I have to be straightforward ALL the time and tell him CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES............ too bad if he gets upset.. I tell him, look if I didn't care about you, I would let you go around stinking, but I do care and therefore, I want him to learn good hygiene habits.. oh he still argues, however, too bad... some things are not negotiable.. I give him a lot of leeway in other areas of his life and if B.O. is the thing that causes him to use drugs or something, then yeah, I am in trouble.. yet.. I tend to think it's a passing thing... most parents deal with this... and kindness and dancing around the issue doesn't always work... she is the kid, you are the parent... sometimes, you have to put your foot down.. she won't hate you forever :):)

That's a sensitive age, and my daughter had that issue when she was her age ( she is now 23), but more because she is always very warm and would frequently sweat. We would talk about what would make her feel pretty or feel good about herself, and I took her to the store and let her choose soap/bodywash, deodorant, powders, etc. just whatever she chose. I found letting her make those decisions made her more willing to be diligent in her hygiene. Also explaining that, at this age, her body is starting to produce hormones that will cause a change in her, producing womanly scents-some pleasant and some not -so -pleasant. You and your wife want her to feel beautiful about herself and help her accentuate the pleasant scents that are naturally hers.

I also may try talking to her in the car. Captive audience, no eye contact. Drive thru for a milkshake and just ask her if there is anything bothering her, or anything that wants to talk about? Give her plenty of time to answer. As a foster Mom I had girls who would neglect hygiene to ward off unwanted attention from boys (who would make inappropriate comments). I know it sounds unreal to think about at her age, but you may just want to see if there is something of that nature bothering her.

Better you get more harsh with her now then she hear it from her peers.

If she gets mad tell her it's one of those times when her mood or opinion don't matter. She's the kid, you're the adult and she needs to hear you out and then work on solutions to the problem, period.

There are lots of good suggestions here. I still have to force my barely 12 year old into the shower at times. I do know from experience that one day, probably very soon, she will care very much about the way she looks, how clean she is and how pretty she feels.

Deal with the BO issue and then remember to enjoy these last fleeting days of childhood. She's a little girl in her brain who is turning into a woman before your very eyes, hang on tight Dad!

Remind her it's ok to be mad with you otherwise she is going to have kids making fun of her at school, and oh do they ever (middle school assistant here). And kids can be terrible. She is certainly normal, I remember being that age and eeeuuuie, and throughout life until my body changed, Another thing, besides of course cleaning and a good deodorant, is making sure she isn't wearing things that don't breathe too well. I couldn't wear polyesters, silks, crepe type things forever because I smelled like a skunk. Cotton breathes and fortunately that's what gym suits are made of (ever sit in a closed sixth grade classroom right after gym class on a hot day? ugh, not pretty). So, even if you don't remind her ever again after you have one more talk, she will certainly be feeling the displeasure that others display when she walks in. I know. I was that girl once. She's lucky she has parents like you.

my daughter is 8. been wearing deodorant since she was 6. We just explained to her that it's a part of growing up and one of those things you gotta do everyday like brushing your teeth and bathing. she needs reminding every now and then, but she gets it.

Don't push it. My daughter never got mad or defensive but did get a bit shy so I got her the American Girl book and set it on her night stand. Sure enough, she was reading it that night and wears deodorant every day. I made her what we call a "privacy pouch" to keep in her backpack that has Chapstick, deodorant and a pad. Hasn't gotten her period yet but I want her to feel prepared for anything be it stinky pits or chapped lips :)

I would just let her know that once you reach a certain age, and it's different for everyone, deodorant is something that has to become part of your morning routine unless you want to be stinky all day. And you love her, but that day has come.

Get her some nifty new stuff to use in her favorite colors. A new electric toothbrush, a scrubby "pouf" to put soap on, body wash, deodorant (in a coordinating scent), a nice shampoo and conditioner...

She has adult stink, give her some lovely adult tools to use to keep that stink at bay and she'll be more motivated to wash.

Unfortunately.... If communication is not built early on these things happen.

She will "get it" when her peers bring it to her attention... And they will.

If you can't connect with her, I would have several choices of deodorants on hand for when she figured out that she needs something.

get her the care and keeping of me american girls book. it deals with all of this stuff. why it happens, how to take care of it etc. it is a good book I got it for my granddaughter.

My guess is that she doesn't really know why it is that way or how to fix it so she gets defensive because there is nothing else.

I have the same issue with my 16 year old daughter. Sometimes an hour after her shower she smells like she put on deodorant that smells like old armpit. I've never been sure if she's not washing well enough or the different kinds we bought just really didn't work.

Two weeks ago I had a coupon for SURE deodorant and I grabbed her some. That stuff worked immediately. We had several others that did nothing (including some clinical strength).

I don't pull punches, with my girls. As my 10-year old leaned over my shoulder one morning, not long ago, I turned away quickly, covering my nose, "Dude! Go brush your teeth. That is NASTY!!"

My 8-year old is very active, and frequently smells like a 12-year-old boy. I occasionally wander in while she showers, reminding her to wash really well, "from neck to knees." She's started using deodorant, and has been far less offensive.

Also consider that certain products work better than others, based on body chemistry (which can change, over time). Not long ago, I noticed that my own deodorant wasn't working as well (you know it's bad, when you're grossing yourself out). I switched products, and haven't had a problem, since.

I disagree with the people saying you should be harsh. I actually do not think you should be the one to discuss this with her at all. My father never said anything negative to me about my appearance and I am sure I was not the greatest about self care at that age. My only memories of him are him making me feel wonderful and valuable for who I was and believe me she will remember who made her feel bad. Your relationship and not causing her to feel shame should be more important. She will learn all that stuff from her mom and all the catty girls at school she does not need to hear it from her dad.

My 10 1/2 year olds teacher told the entire class last week that they must all start bringing their deodorant to school because after recess they STINK!!! My daughter that it was funny and took her deodorant and some scented lotion to school the very next day.
I'm sure there were some parents that complained about tbe teachers approach-but I appreciated it!! My daughter gets defensive with me-but was fine when she learned that it was everyone. Can you send one of her teachers an email? Or if she plays sports-I'm a soccer coach and give my kids speeches about obeying parents, body maintenance, and eating well.

I usually try to make it fun for her-I bought her teen spirit deodorant because it's cute and glittery (and she wants oh sooo bad to be a teen). I took her to the mall to try different scented lotions (perfume or anything heavily scented gives me headaches and sneezing fits). Some of my friends take their (same age) daughters for mani/pedis to encourage body maintenance-but I don't have that type of budget.

When she's in the shower have you wife go in and tell her to wash in those certain areas. No asking if it's been done, but telling her to do it. Same goes for in the mornings, have mom tell her to go put on her deodorant before she leaves the house.

Is she picking out her hygiene items? It might help to take her to a place a little fancier then Wal-mart to pick out some really girly body washes. It might help.

If she still fights, you may have to have your wife start bathing/ applying the deodorant for her. If she can't wash/ be responsible for daily deodorant application like a young lady then mom will have to do it for her like a little kid again.

I've be reminding my daughter about washer specific areas for forever. She still fights me on it. She's 8 now, and while she's not smelly now, one day she will be and she needs to be in the habit now. You aren't alone trying to get the message across. Do not give in on this battle, bad hygiene in one area snowballs into some serious issues. Trust me, I still have diaper rash ointment on hand for my girl and not because she's got a baby brother in diapers.

Just tell her at this age girls usually need to start wearing a deoderent and you think its time the she wears it too. And am I the only one who thinks you should get the heck off of this website if you're her DAD????????

I feel sorry for the teachers that have to smell our kids after gym and recess!

I constantly remind my boys (12 and 16) to "wash your pits". If they don't want the embarrassing conversation they'll do what is needed to keep it from happening!!!!