Developing Friendships, Is It Hard for Most People?

I loved "The Girls from Ames"! I completely envied them their friendship. I don't have a close group of friends that I've known as long as that. I feel this is primarily due to a combination of changing schools so often growing up, being pretty shy, and having really strict parents.

I have a great group of friends - now. Most of them are other moms I have met since having kids of my own. I do regret not having more friends who have known me longer, but I am hopeful that my friends' children will be my children's lifelong friends.

I don't have a group like that...did in grade school, another one in hs and yet another in college. Each group has fell out of touch. I really think this is where kids growing up now will have a distinct advantage over us. Without a doubt I would have kept in touch with those friends through email and facebook if we would have had it back then.

you do have to admit that it is way more out of the ordinary that 11 WOMEN would get along for that long without a falling out LOL!

I don't have extra time to invest outside work and home. I've tried to be friends with co-workers, but learned to keep things professional. My friends are my family members. My sils and my adult daughter are my go-to group of friends.
BTW, never heard about this so-called book club and now my feelings are hurt! See, I don't even have friends on here!

My husband has friends that have been friends for DECADES. They are truly a rare breed. True statistic- the average friendship lasts 7 years.

For me, I can say I have one friend that has lasted forever, a girl I've known since I was an infant, and although we live states apart, she recently attended my wedding. THAT meant the world. Now, I have 3 best friends other than her... 1 of which I went through middle and high school together, 1 from just high school, and 1 happens to be my husbands best friends wife. We just hit it off before we even met (over the phone), and now we're inseparable to the point even the husbands are a little surprised ;)

Like I said, my husbands group of friends are a rare breed. Most people don't have close friends that long. I admire the loyalty of those guys so much! I've never had a close group of friends like that, and I don't suspect I ever will.... and that's okay :)

I'm like you! I have always been more involved in my family and have never developed those really close, lasting friendships. I definitely envy those who have them! I just always felt like my good friends in high school never really knew the "real me" and like no one has ever really cared to take the time. But I've also heard from others that I can be hard to approach so I'm sure it's mostly my fault...

I'm right there with you. I stay at home with my 2 young daughters so its really hard for me to make friends too. I'm very closed off and the only time I leave my home is to go to church or the grocery store. I think in the long run having one or two true friends (those who are there for you no matter what) are more important than having a lot of friends that you can't count on. Good luck and God bless.

I'm never anxious to get away from my kids either. I know a lot of people that complain and say their kids get on their drive them crazy, but I don't feel that way about mine. They are my little buddies and I cherish this time with them.
I can't say if you're closed off. I think as long as you are okay with the way things are then that's fine. You don't have to seek certain types of friendships just because that's what others do. :)

As far as friends, I am quite sociable so I've never had trouble making friends. I used to have a lot of friends that I talked to on a daily or weekly basis, but over time, I began to prefer to not have so much contact. I've discovered that I prefer to chat on the phone only every now and then or text a couple times a week and maybe even go to lunch once every couple of months, but that's it. That's the way I like it. :)

Rachel D's comment just reminded me... My husband has a group of friends
from high school that he is still close friends with. He's got other friends that he's met after school too. I think it's easier for men to stay friends than women. Even if men end up having a bit of drama, they get over it in no time and continue being friends like there was never a problem. :)

Developing friendships, is it hard for me?

You know how there are different types of intelligence? How some folks connect to life and learn through music, or through mathematics, or through mechanics, or through their body (dance/sports/etc.), etc? I'd say my strength is in connecting with people. I learn through communication, and through interaction. I'm geared that way. I can read through a book, for example, and it's not until I talk about it that it really gels and explodes in my mind. I learn a lot about myself, through hearing other's experience.

For me, deep, lasting friendships are imperative. My women friends are like sisters to me. I get so much strength and joy from our friendships. I am truly rich in friendship and community, and it feeds my heart. I feel close to people (and them to me, I think) fairly quickly.

I don't think everyone operates the same way as I do. I think many people connect with and learn from the world in different ways. What works for one person (and is important to one person) might not be a priority or a necessity for another person.

Kind of an extreme example: I have a friend who rarely leaves his apartment. He is not married, he doesn't have children, and his friendship circle is small. He is, however, always in a math equation. His brain is always spinning and working through the next line on the page. He understands the world through mathematics. He's self taught, and just GETS it. It's how he can understand himself, and his world around him. It's beautiful. And it's not how I am geared. It's neat though, 'cause he'll teach me things about the universe that are wild-exciting. Quantum physics? Yah, he can actually grok it. So cool.

Some folks are really fed by interacting with children/their children. That's how they learn about the world and connect. It's not JUST that they love their children (and their spouse), but in interacting with children, they find their *contact* point, their strength, and where they excel. Also, so cool. Also different than for me.

My sister connected with animals. She was a connected, light person while on horseback.

I have a friend who makes music that brings tears to my eyes. That's how he connects.

And so on...

We are really different creatures, and I think it's neat if we're able to understand what get's us connected and dive in. Also, we're not limited to just THAT. We all have lot's of connecting points, just sometimes we excel (and/or prioritize) different things. For me, social interaction is imperative, but that's not true for everyone. So, for me, making friends and staying close is how I work. It's impossible for me not to, because it's not how I'm geared. If it isn't that way for you, and if you don't feel like something is missing, well, that's just fine. It sounds like interacting with children/your children is really a point where you excel and connect. Which is fantastic!

Dear SLM,

Making deep long lasting connections or friendships is difficult. Most of us can make a simple connection. Say good morning, trade recipes, discus a recent news article, or talk superficially about anything easily. We tend flow in and out of other peoples lives as time and needs change. I learned this a long time ago as a military kid. We moved every three years from the time I was born, so I was always making new friends and leaving them.

I tried very hard to hold on to old friendships a first, but it never lasted. My life or theirs would change and we would just suddenly be out of sync with each other. Conversations or letters and cards just stopped. When the internet made getting in touch with old friends so much easier I reached out to a few of them, but I discovered that the connection was changed.

However, I do have one dearly cherished best friend. We met in college. She is the one person outside of my family that I would drop everything for if she needed me. This is a long term friendship that developed over years of time and talking. We have been there for each others highest highs and the lowest of lows. Outside of my husband she probably knows me better than anyone else, even my parents. If that is the kind of friendship you are wanting it is the hardest to find, because it requires trust, time and dedication. On top of that you have to be in a time and place in your life when you are open to making that kind of effort.

In my case our friendship as sort of a happy accident. I didn't make any "true" friends at the high school I graduated from, so I went to college determined to make an effort at connecting with classmates. Also I happened to be a whiz at studying for Art History exams. My friend wasn't, so we started a study group and discovered each had a strength the other lacked. I remembered the paintings, stories, and history connected to things, but was horrible with dates. She remembered dates, but not enough to answer the essay questions. Our friendship began the day she walked into my dorm room looking for a study partner. 26 years later I can still pick up the phone or write an email and it is like time stood still. We are still as close as we were at 18.

I still wonder if I will find another really close friend, but it's not something I can rush. For now I have my husband to talk to every night. And when I need to I reach out to my best friend in Michigan for girl talk. I'm always open to the possibility of a new friend, but friendship can't be rushed and trust is earned. In our rushed, hurried, and instant world taking time to really know someone is something we forget we need to do.

Best wishes,
JenniferN.

j

I keep one or two close friends and keep in touch with acquaintances when I could. By acquaintances, I mean people I went to school with, people I know through college and jobs. I am an introvert, so I naturally do not surround myself with many friends.

I wouldn't say that I have many life-long friends, but I do have a couple. My very best girlfriend & I have been together since we were 12 years old & we're not 34. We met in middle school in NJ, mid-way through high school she & her family moved to Georgia where she still lives today. Once grown I moved to Delaware, so still not close enough to hang out. We don't talk every day, or even every week. We can go several weeks without calling, but then we'll talk every day. Mostly we just check in with each other whenever we feel like it's been too long. Money has been really tight for both of our families, like everyone else in the world these past few years so we haven't visited in a while, but we try to get together at least every other year for a few days anyway.

Hello S L M,

You are NOT alone!!! I feel exactly the same way. I LOVE my girls sooo much, and I was sooo engrossed in them, that it took me a while to actually realize that I really had 'lost' my friendship connections.

My family and I just relocated to St. Louis from NJ. I am finding it a great way to make new friends. It is hard though because I wish I had a group like that book has. I still have about 6-7 girlfriends from college that get together 4-5 times a year, but since I have had the kids, I have missed the get togethers. The group that actually meets up is the part of the group that hasn't had kids yet...

Kids change everything!!! I have a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old and I am just now getting back into seeing old friends - mainly because they have kids now as well and we can have play dates...lol

Try looking for a MOMS group in your area. They are usually around $20 for the year if you decide to join, and they are filled with moms like us. They go to fun places and they have nights where just the moms get together.

Even with groups like this though, I feel like I will never have close knit bonds with new friends like I had with my girlfriends growing up, or girlfriends in college - I guess that is why they say college years are the best years of your life...but ya know what, I would choose my girls over those years any day of the week!!!

No worries, and maybe we can meet for a play date one day, somewhere in the middle of MO...lol

L.

Not for me, but I do have a group of friends who all went to highschool together, moved away went to college and pursued various careers and several of them ended up back in their home area and hang out frequently...like weekly. The core group of guys is 5 or 6 but the "group" itself has grown over the years. I really think that it is cool that they are still such good friends.

That was an incredible book! I was so impressed that these women, and so MANY of them, were able to stay so bonded and committed to each other over the years, through marriage, children, divorce and death.
I think their story is pretty unusual, but I am still close to my best friend. We met at 14 and we are now 43. Besides my husband and kids she is THE most important person in my life.
Other than that I have mostly "mommy friends" women I've met through my kids' school and other activities. Now that my kids are older I have actually bonded with a few, and there's more time to do things like go to lunch or a movie. When your kids are young everything is SUCH an effort, and finding childcare so you can go to a movie with someone you barely know is probably not high on your list of priorities!
So yes, I think it's natural to be somewhat closed off at your stage of motherhood, but I imagine you'll branch out a little more as they get older and you actually have some "free" time :)

Well my mom still some some grade school friends she keeps in contact with..maybe once a year. Then she has other friends that she has on a regular basis for over thirty years.

I have always had problems making and keeping friends. Lately the last couple of years I am more comforable in my own skin. Now I have some good friends. Not a lot. Just three but they are good friends. Its taken me awhile to get to this place. I don't want to settle for everyone for my friend. I like nice people that are considerate and kind. Its a bonus if my friends also enjoy outdoor activites and my family.
Hang in there.

I think keeping a friendship for over a period of years can be very difficult. Especially when your lives go in different ways.

I do have a group of friends from high school that I used to be really good friends with. Now, we get to meet, maybe, once a month for dinner. We do email each other and try to stay in touch that way, but the friendship has definitely changed. Heck we just all tried to schedule a weekend camping trip that changed into a meeting at a beach on Sunday, because our schedules just are so conflicting. And even then we couldn't do that. LOL

But I think life has a way to bring new people in our lives. My SIL became one of my best friends and on top of that my husband and I have become great friends with a couple whose daughter started school with our daughter a couple years ago. Its great to keep working at old friendships, but I think its important to let others in too. And all this can be difficult while trying to spend time as a family too.

I am with you there... but although I do LOVE LOVE LOVE my baby boy, there are times I wish I had a girlfriend whom I can call up and say.. can your husband put your kid to bed and lets go have a sundowner at Elephant Bar.. just to get away and have someone to talk to, other than myself.

My husband and I don't talk.. at least, not about the things I want to talk about.. and my family are all overseas...

Making friends has always been hard, as a kid we always moved around, so I would not even try to make friends, for the fear of losing them in a few months..

I did have a very strong bond with two girlfriends once, which lasted for years.. but as we grew older, left school, our lives simply went separate ways...

So here I am, moved overseas, no family and kind of cut off/closed off from society.. wondering if there could be a friend out there... for me..

:-)

I still have friends from all steps of life - my best friend has been my best or one of my best since we were 10. I have another good friend still from HS, there are a group of us from college who stick together although we're scattered across the country, I have a couple of friends from graduate school still, a couple from various jobs I've kept in pretty good contact with - one I still confide in etc - and then local friends I made at work before I got married and have been close friends for 14 years. Even though I've moved a lot, both coasts and midwest, I can't imagine not having good friends. I just enjoy them so much! I did find it a bit hard to make mom friends after kids but it's gotten easier. I work full time so either am at work or with my kids - I don't leave them to make friends - we just bring our kids and they all play and we socialize. I think studies say that friendships are important when people rank happiness. Not everyone is the same etc but I feel like most of my friends in turn have other very good friendships that have lasted through the years. But it does take some effort. Good news is email makes it much easier. I feel like I've become good friends for instance with the mom of one of my daughter's good friends via email. We obviously chat when we get together but we still pay attention to our kids so email has helped further things. If you do want more friends, you could try that. If not, so long as you're happy, it's fine. People are different.

I'm still in touch with girls I was close friends with in elementary and high school. We've always stayed in touch over the years, hitting the big milestones (weddings, baby showers) but they're not my day-to-day friends anymore. Mostly FB now.

I have another group of friends I met late in college/right after college. There are four of us who don't get together nearly often enough but over 15 years, we are there for each other and I hope will be friends for life. We have been with each other through single parenthood, affairs, marriages, divorces, deployments, lay offs, addictions etc. in addition to all the things we celebrate. We actually just had a reunion of that extended group last month - 12 adults and 14 kids!

Then I have two groups of friends in my town - one developed out of a working mom networking group and I've been friends with these ladies for 5 years. I was on bed rest a few years ago and this group brought dinners, gave my kids rides, etc. Another group of us met when our kids were in Kindergarten and over the years, we've become really close. These are the girls I call to have a glass of wine with on a really good or really bad day or will go away for the weekend with.

All of these friendships developed organically. I'd bump into the same moms over and over again, say hi, share a quick laugh and assume that they all had fabulous social lives and were busy having dinner parties each weekend. Turns out they were hanging out at home with nothing to do too! Usually in each group of friends there has been someone who is the organizer (not me lol) who will take the initiative to call or send an e-mail to get everyone together. Once I recognize that pattern I try to help take the load off of that person by initiating plans from time to time as well and then things just develop into true friendships.

As my kids have gotten older I've had more time to socialize and want to get out more. I was fine being fairly isolated until my kids were in school, then I kind of felt like I was missing out so that's when I became more open to finding new friends where I live.

Finally regarding the book club - go even if you haven't read the book. In most book clubs, reading the book is secondary to socializing. The book is just an excuse to get together and start a conversation. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded if you went even without the book completed.