Despritly Need Help!!

whither he's cheating or not, it is inappropriate to spend that kind of time with someone of the opposite sex when you are married. I'd be going nuts too. But some how you are going to have to control the crazy when you talk to him or you probably will drive him away. Find a way to get to the bottom of it without acting crazy.

He's cheating. And worse, he's trying to make you think you're crazy for questioning him. It takes a huge prick to cheat & then tell YOU to get the counseling. Wow... just wow. No way in hell would I personally believe anything he said, and no way in hell would I stay with him.

Here is the problem, he may be cheating or you may be causing him to lie with your insecurity. The only two facts I see here are you are insecure and he is spending time with this women. Everything else is speculation.

He tells you that YOU are crazy and that YOU need to see a counselor.

He is throwing blame and guilt onto you. That is classic behavior of someone who is hiding something.

He may not be having an affair but may be feeling guilty about just hanging out. Or he may be having an affair after all. But either way -- his telling you that you're crazy is so disrespectful and cruel that it's time for you to tell him that you BOTH will start counseling the day he returns -- the same day! -- and that even if he is pure as can be, his reactions to your questions are a problem in themselves. If he is utterly innocent, why react angrily and rudely and with disrespect for his wife?

Call today and set up the counseling appointment. Don't ask him to go. Tell him you both are going and if he will not go to the counselor, you have another appointment set up for yourself alone -- with a lawyer.

If he insists "I'm not having an affair!" tell him, fine, then this is about the way you speak to me, which is by itself a problem.

Since you are military I would really recommend the marriage retreats they do through the chaplain's office. They are free and sometimes you even get a night free in a great hotel or something. As Jane below said he is definitely spending inappropriate time with a woman. Coworker or not it is cruel to give your partner doubts. How would he feel if you hung out with a male friend for hours a day? He would be suspicious. Many times a cheater or substance abuser will try to make you feel like the guilty one. I hope that you all can work it out and that everything is ok, but in the case that it is not I would caution you that base legal will only represent ONE of you - whomever gets there first. If divorce has ever or does ever enter the conversation you better run your butt over there before you say anything. Some commands can be very helpful to the wife in these cases as well. Many commands frown on adultery, though it is difficult to prove or prosecute. Some commands will not tolerate it and charge the member but some won't because they are protecting their guy. It is a chargeable offense under the UCMJ for BOTH him and the woman. If I were you I would be going to see my unit's chaplain right now. He is there for help with these situations and will handle the discussion diplomatically with your husband man to man if you think he needs that. A command can also make marital counseling mandatory if your husband refuses.

remember, you are his wife and you can ask him to please not see this person because it is inapproriate. if he get defensive (like the comments below say) and says you are nuts, then i would say he is having an affair. he should respect your views, as his wife, that he should spend that much time with another woman. its just not ok. sorry!

Drop him like the dog that he is. Excuse me, I am in a mood. :)

You two have big problems, period. Men who lie to their wives are not good husbands. Constantly asking him what he's doing with a coworker doesn't make for getting along. You two need counseling.

Of course, it's hard to get counseling when he is away. If I were you, I'd go talk to the chaplain and ask for some help.

Good luck,
Dawn

I'm sorry for your situation. It does sound like your relationship is being poisoned either rightly or wrongly by lack of trust. I would try to improve your communication techniques in order to try to avoid being hung up on, called crazy, or otherwise dismissed. It may not be you, and you may be right about your suspicions, However the only person you can control is yourself. Maybe a counslor isn't a bad idea especially if he is willing to go with you. If not then go alone. Best of luck.

I read an article the other day about the sure fire way to tell if a guy is cheating: When a reasonable and sane woman asks him point blank if he is and uses the line "you are crazy" somewhere in his answer then he is. Sure enough the times I have been cheated on I got that line or something very similar to it.

Bottom line, in my opinion, he should do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable and secure. He is going to make one woman happy and th other not so happy..which is he going to make happy and the answer best be his wife with whom he has chosen to share a life with. I just feel very strongly that whether he is romantic with this woman or not, if this does not make you feel secure or makes you uncomfortable there should be no issue. It should just be as simple as, ok honey I won't hang out with her as much or alone.

Good luck. I am a little old school and still believe that manners are huge. Manners and tact. When we are married we make a choice to respect boundaries and I do not think that this behavior is within boundaries of a marriage. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would expect him to feel the same.

wow, you must be sick to your stomach. I think the most important thing here is to get it out on the table. Ask him questions and get the facts. Tell him straight out, "I can't be in a marriage where there is doubt". Some men are dumb creatures. You have to treat them like children to get your point across. Give him examples and say something like, "If I were to tell you that I bumped into and old school mate and went bowling or to a bar, WOULD THAT BE OK WITH YOU?, can I do that and not worry that your going to think that I cheated?" (you"ll probably have to be more specific with him) You have to put it in a way where they understand and see it from your perspective.
No matter what, something is wrong. And it needs to be figured out.
2 months isn't that long, so keeping it in his pants shouldn't be that difficult, if the REAL love is there. You deserve to be happy. If you don't have any kids yet, get out if you can. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Good luck to you.

I'm assuming she is single. Either way it isn't appropriate for him to be spending so much time with her.

He may be cheating he may not be cheating. First you say he hangs up on you, then you say he lied to you. How is he lying if he did say to you "I didn't hang out with her"?

You're husband is right. You do need counseling. You need to talk with someone who will help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Try not to stress out too much and when he gets home see what happens.

Good luck and God Bless!

I believe in trusting your gut. If he has nothing to hide, then why would he try to avoid the topic, lie and/or hang up on you (btw - hanging up on you is seriously disrespectful -- on par with lying in my book).

i dont think it is an issue to hang out with someone of the opposite sex, but he should respect your feelings when you say it makes you uncomfortable.

Trust your gut, but tread lightly -- Trust is the key to the relationship, he may feel "hurt" that you dont trust him, but it seems like he is not giving you a reason to trust him.

Sorry....I think he is feeding you a line of bull.

I wonder how much a private investigator costs? Hmmm .... might be something to follow up on.

Ask him to his face. You trust your instincts obviously. You will know.
Could you ask him to invite her over for dinner? If she's happy to meet you, then you could rethink this. I'm my opinion, a married man should not be spending all of his spare time with someone of the opposite sex. Good luck honey.

My gut and experience say, Yes, he is cheating on you. I'm sorry to give you this opinion. Any loving husband who isn't cheating would do what he had to make his wife feel comfortable. You are not being unreasonable. It's not like he went to lunch with her once and you freaked out. No, he is continuously hanging out with her and no one else. You have a right to question this behavior. And, this behavior isn't normal for a married man.

I am not old fashioned and give my husband a lot of leeway - because I trust him. I know that he occasionally goes to lunch with an ex-girlfriend. I know, because he tells me. He tells me before he goes, he tell me where they'll be and he checks with me first to make sure I'm okay with it. If I wasn't, he wouldn't go. He wouldn't say I'm crazy or nuts or imagining things.

You're not comfortable with the situation and he should do what he can to make you comfortable not make it worse by going on the defensive. Every bit of his behavior screams cheating. Perhaps only once, perhaps more, but his behavior shows guilt and that's what your gut is picking up on.

I agree with Leigh R. He's hiding something. Whether or not he's physically cheating, he's obviously having an emotional affair, which in my opinion is far worse. Sorry you're going through this but trust your woman's intuition.