Desperate for Advice on Daughter

I have two daughter who now teenage mothers My oldest daughter gave birth her son age 12 Now age year 18 my daughter has a five old son.My other daughter age 8 gave birth to her son now 12 she has a four year old son I have two grandsons

I would strongly urge to you go to www.itsaboutlove.com or call ###-###-#### or toll free 1-800-537-2229. They are a family social services center that counsels with everyone involved, gives unbiased advice and can truly help anyone in this type of situation. I personally know women (and girls) who have gone here and have recieved so much help! They give you an honest perspective from all sides including pros and cons on all sides so that you and your daughter can truly make an educated and prayerful decision. It's just a phone call or click away.

I wouldn't give up - you are her mother. Be strong! Good luck with this difficult situation.

First of all, this is not a failure on your part. It is an unfortunate situation or rather a hard one, but a 16 year old is going to do what they want even if they are raised to know better. You can only do so much to try and help them with those decisions but they are going to do as they please. My sister was a wild child and a single mother at 18 and will be the first to tell you everything she did she knew better. I haven't been the mother of a teenager yet so I can only tell you what comes to mind keeping also in mind as you said in your question that there is more to the story, I would make sure your wanting to keep your daughter at home and reluctance to sign over guardianship is in her best interest and doesn't reflect your personal feelings for the sister in law. I don't personally get along with my in laws but if you feel they would do right by her you may consider her request. If I understood correctly, if your mother lives in the area, you may consider signing guardianship over to her rather than the sister in law that you feel only be involved for financial gain. I would also make it clear that you love her and you want what is best so if you decide to let her live with these other people I would let her know that she does have a place to come back to if she isn't happy with the new situation. I wish you the best of luck, congratulations on your precious upcoming grandbaby and I hope your daughter has a smoothe pregnancy.

Well I can relate as both a parent (though mine are still young yet for pregnancies) and the 'pregnant teenager who didnt want to be at home' only difference was I ran to my mom from my dad and step mom who raised me.

As an adult now I can remember back to being that teenager hopefully if I can give you nothing else it is insight into some of what she might be thinking. More than likely she has not even been able to determine a lot of these things herself yet (so keep that in mind)

First as much as you may or may not try to show it - she KNOWS that you are disappointed in her. But really you are more disappointed FOR her - she wont see that until much later. She is using you to reflect her own disappointment and sense of failure in herself. She is taking her anger at herself out on you. She is confused. She doesnt know how to view herself anymore - at that age we often define who we are by how our parents view us. She is probably remembering every comment you ever made about young mothers/pregnant teens and thinking you see her in the same light. She more than likely feels that you dont think she is capable or grown up enough to be a mother - and while you and I both know she is clueless...she doesnt want to feel that way. She doesnt want to admit she made a mistake. She probably feels that no one understands. In essence she is using this as a catalyst for defining her own image of herself and her independance.

Now, all that said - there is hope. Understand that this was HER bad judgement call - there is nothing you could have really done differently to change things and you can't go back and stop this from being a reality. I know this hurts - but you're going to have to let her go and let her grow up (though I am NOT recommending giving up guardinship - dont do that no matter what). You also have to have faith that you have raised her and that no matter what she does that will always be her 'core'. You dont have to tell her what she is doing is not ideal - she knows no matter how much she fights it. You have given her her foundation and she'll never be able to run far from it.

One day her head will clear and she'll see you there ready to build a new relationship. Your relationship with her will never be the same (dont try to make it so) embrace the new relationship with her when it's time.

The best thing my parents ever did for me was let me go, prayed every day and were there to help me pick up the pieces and mend my broken life, when it was time. We now have a great relationship and they are able to participate and celebrate in my new life with me. It was a long hard road for me (11 years now) but I made it and she will too.

Ugh! I don't know if I feel better knowing other people go through this stuff or worse. My mom was in a similar situation, at least about the living part.

1.) You DO NOT have to give up guardianship for your daughter to be registered in a school. No matter WHO she lives with what ever her ADDRESS is qualifies her for school district, NOT her gaurdian! My sister lived with her boyfriend and his mom at 16 and qualified for her school because of address only, so don't let ANYONE make you think that she can't go to school unless you sign her over to them.

2.) If she is wanting food stamps then that is more than likely the reason for wanting custody of your child cause she can't qualify to recieve benifits herself for your daughter living with her unless she does have custody. Your daughter can get benifits for herself like WIC but welfare wise your sisnlaw does not qualify for anything from the govmt w/o gaurdianship which is probably why she wants it.

3.) You as her legal guardian have legal rights to have your daughter returned home to you being that she is under age. Until the age of 18 she has to be returned to you if you demand it or you can have her escorted back home. She might not like this at first but there are things you can do to help it become easier and easier.

I REALLY wish to talk more with you but unfortunatly my daughter is screaming her head off for me right now. If you would like to chat about this more message me and I will give you my #. I have been through this with my mom and know a lot about it.

Hope to hear from you soon!

I wouldnt give up on her and I wouldnt give in to the gaurdianship either...it will make thinds hard for her and she will realize that she needs you. Also she is young and as soon as the baby comes she will realize this is something she will want to share w/ her own mother. Its hard when your young and just know your right about everything and have to learn from mistakes that sometimes your not always right and its very good to listen to you parents. I didnt always see eye to eye w/ my mom and now we are the best of friends and shes the first person I ever go to and I didnt and she didnt ever think we would get to that point...She didnt give up on me but didnt push too much either and I came around and realized that she only wanted the best for me. Hang in there!

Hi M.,
Have you thought about calling your local Crisis Pregnancy Center? They have places your daughter could go and live as an unwed mom where she will get school, health check ups and classes on how to parent OR help w/ adopting the baby.
It may be a good inbetween alternative- she would not be living w/ you where she doesn't want to BUT she would be away from your S-I-L.
If you want more info please e-mail me at ____@____.com friend has adopted both of her kids and knows many roads for teen moms.

D.