My brother posted a picture on Facebook of he and I and my father and other brother. It's about 30 years old. It was from a time that I call the worst part of my life. It's a very long story, but in a nutshell; me - the only female in the household - trying to grow and mature and gain social skills from my divorced, alcoholic father and brothers. My dad was what you'd call a 'sad' drunk. I never thought he was an alcoholic because he never hit us. I just think he was clinicaly depressed and the alcohol was a way to drown his sorrows. But now I know different. So there I was, the only girl, no mother figure to talk to, the only one interested in cleaning or creating order in a filthy house that has had the utilities cut off and we're about to be evicted. Actually three times, we had to leave different houses. I remember getting a crappy waitressing job when I was 15 so that I could help out with rents and groceries.
My problem is that I thought I was done with this part of my life. I thought I had put it past me. When it actually looks as if I've just stuffed it down deep and forgotten about it. I have years of sadness I've literally forgotten. There's a big blackness between the ages of about 10 to about 21 that I can't remember - or choose not to.
This picture has stirred up quite a lot. The last three days I feel like I've been walking in a mist. I've been crying a great deal. But I don't want this right now. I've got two wonderful, happy children that I want to focus on. I don't want this right now. How do I get through this unscathed?
Thank you all for your kind words. I ended up giving myself permission to be sad for a while. Then I turned my attention back to my children and husband. Paying close attention to their joy and laughter brought me a little closer to happy. Not just listening to their laughter, but really HEARING it. How honestly giddy they sound when their Dad is tickling them. It rings inside me like a bell. I am so, so blessed to have them.
I can't tell you what it meant to me to be able to come to this site and unload a bit. It was kind of like spilling a plate of spaghetti on the floor, mucking around in it for a bit. You've all spilt some too. Now it's time to clean up.
Thank you all very much
J., I think you should seek help. Something had to happend between the age of 10 and 21 for you to black that time frame out. The only way you will heal is with help so seek it. You deserve to be healthy both physically and mentally. Good luck!!
Are you in your mid 30's tp early 40's? That is when I started facing and remembering all of this kind of stuff inmy life. I was depressed.. Our hormones are always changing, we experience things in our lives that bring up memories with regrets, anger and sadness.
Go to therapy and work through it. You deserve it. Also embrace your past. It is what has made you the person you are. You are a strong person, you are independent and there is nothing wrong with mourning the life you never got to have, being angry for not being able to have the "normal life" you deserved.. and being able to have the energy you once had when you were younger.
Seeking and asking for help proves you are a strong person. A person who knows when she is needing help.. I am sending you peace of heart. You are not alone. I bet you are an inspiration to your family.
Oh J., please find yourself a good therapist- you won't regret it- you've been through so much, and stuffing it down isn't healthy. A therapist will help you to get past the hurt and move on with your life.
Hang in there!!!!!!! =o)
Go to counseling. That's how to get through it. Do it for you, do it for your family. You have a right to happiness.
Something was bound to trigger this, J.. If it weren't the picture, it would have most likely been something. You'll feel better when you get some help. Truly.
Hugs,
Dawn
It sounds like you are a strong, smart woman. Here is a little "exercise" I do when I start to feel like that little child again...
I literally picture my child self and my adult self. And just like I would protect my own child against the bad things from my childhood, I now picture my adult self protecting my child self against those things, as well. I put boundaries up for "her" per say. I picture my adult self stepping into those situations and grabbing "her" up and taking her away and putting her back in a safe place (whether it be my arms, my current home, etc...). The past is part of who I am, but it doesn't have to affect me in a negative way anymore. I am now an adult and able to step in and put boundaries- even if it is in my mind.
Hope that helps and makes sense.
R.
as my therapist would say, you have to release some of that old bad undesirable yuck stuff so you can have more room for those beautiful happy memories w/your precious children. this relates to anything. i was having a hard time allowing myself to grieve for the death of my wonderful mother, but he said basically i owed it to her to do that & so my brain/heart could have more room to fill w/times & memories w/my sweet angel.
it seems hard to allow yourself to be sad when you want to focus on your babies, but again you actually owe it to them to work through this. therapy, talks w/a friend about it, or journaling - something to just release it so you CAN focus on those sweet happy babies. that's just my thoughts. also, just thinking, but bless your sweet heart, sounds like you had a very unstable, sad, unhealthy childhood. who wouldn't be sad, despondent (sp) about that. i wanna give you a hug. maybe the sooner you start letting it go the better you'll start feeling. not a guarantee of course, but it is a guarantee that those bad feelings & yuckiness will always be there if you don't deal w/'em.
now ain't that some sh*t??!!! that means WE have to do the work. i hate that! :(
anyway, i'm saying this w/mama love & kindness i promise. take care mama
Go get help. Talk to someone! If you let this go on too long, it will affect your children and your family. When you bury your problems and don't deal with them, they always come back to haunt you. Sometimes more subtle than not. The best thing you can do is seek professional help if you are able, and at the least talk to a close friend who you trust. Don't let this go on too long!
In spite of an extremely difficult childhood, it sounds like you have managed to create a good home, and produce good kids - you are one heck of a woman. Give yourself more credit.
Sometimes forgetting is the only way we have to cope, and that's OK. But perhaps it's not always the best way. I would seek out someone to talk to with whom you could work through these feelings. That way you'll grow stronger than you already are (which sounds very strong to start with).
Your bio family is not you . . . they never were and they never will be. Ideally they nurture and protect you so that you can grow into a strong, capable individual unto yourself. Since your family couldn't or wouldn't do that, you went on anyway (thank God). You learned how to do better. God bless you for that.
Hang in there - lots of virtual hugs coming your way.
PS: Your post is yet another reason why I detest Facebook . . .
PSS: I loved Regina's answer.
I've never worked with a therapist, I probably should. BUT if it comforts you, my thought is that a hurt like that wasn't just stuffed down, but that in little ways you have been dealing with it all along, getting stronger, making room for love, growing up and having control of your life, But seeing that picture gave you a much bigger dose of it than you've had for a while and you are overwhelmed. Yes you need to release the hurts how every works best for you if it's counseling, a good friend, journaling, long walks by yourself. But in my opinion, you never finish dealing with your past. It isn't going to totally go way. You will come to a place of peace. You will get back to your life and your family. Look at all the wonderful blessings you do have now. your past is a part of you, it might not be pretty and it might always hurt to think about it, but not as much as it hurts right now, This is just a raw spot that will fade back into the background in a little while. YOu get through this unscathed but holding on to the wonderful things in your life and maybe getting a little support from the great mama's on there that have been through this too. you are not alone.
Dear J., is it at all possible for you to get counseling? I don't know what's available to you in your area, but if you could find someone experienced in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, I think it could be helpful. Please seek help so you can relieve yourself of this pain. Many of us have childhood issues--the only way to resolve these issues is counseling. I send healing thoughts your way.
J.---Please don't let the memories of a difficult childhood interfere with your moving forward with your life. There is nothing that you can do about the past. It is what it was. It has given you experiences with which to learn from. It sounds like you have emerged from your past and are building a wonderful future.
Know that your experiences have made you what you are and embrace that part of it. You can grieve those years but don't let them control your future. It is your decision to make. Seek help if you want it. There is no shame in that also. But never, never, never let your past consume you. You have a responsibility to your husband and children and you can let anything interfere with the good things in your life now and in the future.
Good luck and blessings always...D.
I'm just reading this now, and have honestly been feeling the same way for the past couple days, I feel like I had a good childhood but as I grew up I realized my dad was very depressed from the divorce from my mom. He let himself get severly obese, therefore he wasn't able to do much with us growing up. He passed away last year, although I know now that he's in a better place, father's day was a bad day for me, it brought back alot of sad memories and for the past couple days I had been in a haze. Just like you I have 2 children and was scolding myself for feeling miserable when I have great kids and a wonderful husband that I don't appreciate enough. What made me feel better was talking about it with people I trust and prayer. My advice to you was going to be, whenever you feel down that's when the enemy attacks you and makes you feel even worse, so you think of those words or keep repeating...i'm not happy etc. sometimes we just need to brush them off and say " My past doesn't designate my future"!! I'm going to change the cycle! I'm going to be happy and move on. I definetly need to say that to myself alot!
You look around at the blessings that are in your life, your children who have never experienced a childhood like yours, because you're stronger and give your children what they deserve in life to grow to be strong adults. Look at that picture as something that defines you as a mother today; let it give you strength that you made it through those times and are now happy with your girls. Don't give the power back to those family members who robbed you of so much in your life already....it is a stepping stone to fully embrace the life you have now and be thankful and joyous. Peace be with you and may happiness envelope you and your family....I lived a not so desirable childhood also and so did my husband....rise above it!
J.,
You are one LUCKY chick to have all these insightful, moving, beautiful responses to your post. Take every one of them to heart!
As for you being a 15-year old girl and having to foresight to act like a responsible, mature adult long before anyone should EVER have asked you to ............ I salute you.
Your dad and brothers, on the other hand, I could feed one by one to a very hungry
very cranky
very feminist
female
recovering alcoholic.....................
PIRANHA!!!!!
Stay on this board J.. Each one of the women here have something of value for you to help you deal with these scars from so long ago.
All my best to you J.!
E.
I agree with all the advice the others before me have given so let me just add-- block that particular post from your brother on Facebook; if it helps just block all your brother's posts for a while (just don't unfriend him, it's not his fault-- his memories are different from yours).
Be strong.
My childhood was very similiar to yours. I lived with my Dad and 2 brothers until I was 18 years old. My Dad also probably had and still has depression and other personality disorders. He would go out with friends to bars, so he wasn't an alcoholic either, but drowned his sorrows with alcohol.
I really disliked my childhood and being the only girl. I wished and wished that I at least would've had a sister.
Fortunately I had a best friend in high school and her parents treated me like I was their daughter. My bf and I were so close and so much alike. We were like sisters. So that was comforting to have her. She was like the sister I never had. But the years before our friendship were the worst. I felt so alone most of the time.
If you ever want to PM me, please do. It sounds like we have a lot in common.
