Depressed Hubby

What a tough couple years! He has a right to be worn out on every level and will need time, patience, unconditional love and space to grieve. We all grieve differently and when you lose people who are so significant to you you will have a hole in your heart that will never be filled this side of heaven.

I don't know the exact differece between grief and depression, but I think they overlap symptoms and can look a lot alike. Some people I'm close to battle with depression, and I would recommend the book "Talking to Depression" by Claudia J Strauss. It's a great how to book to help effectively connect with someone who is depressed. It's easy to cause more problems when you want to fix things so badly...and I'm pretty sure I did every "what not to do" listed in the book. Maybe your library has it?

It's possible he's thinking hard about some big questions of life and probably his own mortality.

My heart goes out to you...and I hope your marriage is able to not just survive, but grow stronger and deeper while you are going through this difficult time.

I don't have much advice for you, because I feel like I am living with the same husband as yours. My husband's uncle is dying of cancer, and he has been in & out of the hospital for the last 6 months. This is taking a toll on my husband because he sees the pain his dad is feeling watching his brother suffer. My husband fears this could be his dad one day, especially since he is in his 70's. My husband was laid off this year, but luckily found another job right away, but he doesn't know if this is the job for him. Feeling trapped, because of the finances, and the current economy, he is making the best of it, but I am hearing the complaining every night. I am trying to be the best supportive wife possible, and suggested counseling to him because he shows some signs of depression. He gets really defensive and says he is not psycho - very stubborn too!! Men typically crawl into their caves when stressed and upset, where women like to talk it out. We are completely different. I feel he is bringing me down with his moods, and I am having the best time of my life right now with 2 beautiful children, great job, etc.. I keep reminding him we are very blessed everyday, and that his job is not permanent and that he needs to stay optimistic. There are days I really would like to run far away and escape his moods, but I have to stay focused, supportive, show him my love, and put all my effort into our children and our marriage. Hang in there.....

D., you're a very good wife to want to help him and to be so understanding. I have always believed we, as a culture, don't know how to handle any mental issues, be it our own or another person's. If someone has a cast, people help open doors, but you cannot see what is hidden in the mind. If he had a broken arm, he'd go get it set, maybe he just needs a small crutch, just for a while, in the form of an anti-depressant to help him get back to himself and to allow him to enjoy the family he created with you. If you can make it about your baby needing a healthy daddy that might help. We parents will do nearly anything for our kiddos, use whatever you've got and get him that help. It's time for the sun to shine again!

If he refuses, I'd be really crafty about serving him salmon on a regular basis and insisting upon a multivitamin. Some studies have shown that we don't get enough Omega vitamins & they really help with this kind of thing! Add flax to a smoothie, give him fish oil tablets if he won't eat salmon. Just tell him to humor you, you're on a health kick and take them yourself, if that's what it'll take! lol. I've gotten my husband to do all kinds of weird stuff in the name of humoring me, and it works out pretty well for the most part.

And I'd add an evening family walk ("for the baby to get fresh air and time with her daddy") or some physical activity to the evenings & weekend to help him get rid of that stress. It eats you up and leaves you spent, completely spent without any relief, and exercise is the best way to get it out.

Finally I'd add keep one day that is a sacred family day - no one can make plans that day - period! You get to play and have fun together. It'll help all of you keep your bond. I can't say enough good things about what "Family Day" has done for us over the years. We live in an amazing area, there's something for everyone to do all the time. Plan and play. We do breakfast, church, change our clothes then go play. It is excellent and has really helped us be a strong family even though my kids are very far apart in age (currently 19/10/21 mos). And it helps keep our marriage strong (well that and a regular date night!)

Just don't give up on him, he'll come around! Good luck to you and your husband!
D.

D.,

It sounds like your husband has really been through a lot in the last few years. Big life changes and a lot of loss. All of that can definitely lead to depression. I'm sure this is really hard for you too. I imagine you probably miss your husband, the social and fun-loving man you married.

How much have you talked to him about all of this? That's the first step. Try telling him how it makes you feel to see him in this state, rather than accusing him of being depressed. Keep it in "I" statements: "I feel like you're not enjoying life as much." or "I feel helpless because I want to make you feel better but I don't know what to do."

Therapy would be a great choice but it sounds like he might be resistant to it. Does he have any close friends or is he close with his brothers? Perhaps you could enlist their help in bringing him back out of his shell.

This is a tough one. Be patient and kind, especially with yourself, as your family works through it.

D.

My father in law passed away in Nov 2008. The preceding 4 months till the Spring of 2009 was one of the most difficult times in our married lives. So much stress and responsibility placed on our shoulders especially my husband's. His attention was were it rightfully belonged (with his dying father and grieving 70+ year old mother) but it took him away from our family. The bulk of the household management responsiblities fell to me. My husband felt pulled in a million different directions all while trying to cope and manage his own grief. He grieves so differently than when I lost my mother. It was hard for me to "help" because I wanted to do it the way it help me after my mother's death...which wasn't what he wanted or needed. My husband needed space and quiet. That is hard to do when you have young children but I had to make it a priority for the sake of my grieving husband.

Since your FIL's death was so recent, I am sure that it seems very raw for your husband especially compounded with the loss of his mother just before that. I would recommend just giving him space. Remind him that you are there if he wants to talk whenever he needs it. Ask him what he needs from you. How can I help you through this? This is one of those times that it is all about giving to him 110%. Commit to doing that for "X" period of time. For us it was about 3 months.

And lastly, check into local grief support groups. Provide him with the information. Make it easy for him to attend if he wants.

I hope this helps.

Many blessings to you and your family,
Michelle