Demanding Child

H. this helps. I have three children. All have been cared for by the grandmothers and me.
Each one has experienced what the doctors say is stranger anxiety. The caregivers are the only ones they will accept in their presence. When I am with them I devote all of my time with them.
I understand. I guess I ''spoil them''. The anxiety tapered off. They were the ages of five to six years old before dealing openly with others. I know other moms who have the same issues. Don't Worry. :)

Every baby goes through separation anxiety around this age. It's a phase that will eventually pass. Being around others, like in a daycare setting would initially be an adjustment for her, but it's something she would get used to. (Usually, the parent endures this in the beginning, as well.) Remember, she loves you, & she loves being around you. This is a good thing.

Also, no two children are going to behave the same. Although there are similarities sometimes between siblings, there will likely be more differences. So, it's not really fair that your husband compares his first two kids to your baby. She's her own individual person & will behave so.

I'm sure that having a newborn, feeling the pressures that come with that, and being away from family make it especially hard on you. Are there any moms groups in the area where you live or at the base that you could attend? Sometimes just sitting & listening to other moms go through similar situations can help alot.

Trust your instincts and keep on loving your baby. I H. this all helps!!

You're doing great as a mother! My daughter is the same way! She's 8 months and I've been at home with her since she was born! They are good babies, they just know that everything is ok when mom is around. She's used to YOU being there for her. A daycare can handle her. If this is what you chose you want to do, it will be hard on both of you, but only for a little while. She will get comfortable with someone else after a little time with them. Just because your husband's boys were different doesnt mean anything about your baby. I would suggest finding someone to keep the baby for a little while each week (babysitter, one of his family members, etc.) for you to have a break even just to go to the grocery store, or run errands. This will teach your baby that you will come back for her, and she will learn that some people she may not recognize will take care of her. She just has some attachment issues that all mothers deal with that stay home with their babies! It's normal, and it will get better!

Hey, H. this is R., I think we corresponded before about a moms group. Just wanted to encourage you about your daughter. My own daughter was pretty clingy at that age. Having had a daughter and then a son, I can agree with your husband that they are NOTHING alike, but it's SUPPOSED to be that way! Of course she's different from his boys! She's a GIRL! My best advice is follow your mother instinct. Do what your gut tells you is best for your baby. If you feel she needs time with other children, then expose her to other children somehow at a play group or Sunday School. Somewhere safe for her and you. If something tells you she has an unhealthy attachment to you or something then take steps to address that, maybe talking to your pediatrician is a good place to start. On the other hand, things may be fine and if you are comfortable and your baby is comfortable, don't let other people tell you she's bad.

Also please consider this an invitation to get together anytime. I feel your pain as I also have no family here. We could meet at a Starbucks or something if you'd like. Hang in there!

I had the same problem with my little girl (she was my first). When she was 18 months old, I put her in daycare a few days a week to get a break. It did not help, but made it worse so I took her out. By the time she was 3 1/2 she became so independent and was fine when we brought her to prek-3. Believe it or not, she grew out of it. I have three children ages 6, 4, and 3. I am a stay-at-home mother and none of them cry for me when I leave. I think that your baby is at a difficult age right now. Enjoy it now because soon she will be miss independent. Good luck!!

If off let me say all babies are different that doesnt make them better or worse than another baby. everyone has different needs. your child wanting to know where you are is perfectly normal. if the reason you want to put her in daycare is to socialize her i think that is great but not fultime if you do not have too. see if there are local mommy and me groups that she can see you are there and learn to leave you to go play. when she gets more comfortable you can try something where you drop her off like a mothers day out which would be 2-3 days a week for maybe 4-5 hours. if you have reservations with leaving her she will sense this. do what feels comfortable to you but do not isolate yourself or your baby because you have no family, it takes time to adjust to a new place but you get more used to it as the years go by =)

I think you should put her in daycare. My daughter is also seven months old. The only reason she isn't in daycare is because she had open heart surgery and her doctor does not want her to go yet. But she just lights up when she is near other children. I think about a week of daycare and she would not be as demanding.

it sounds like you're doing everything right. if you must put her in daycare then you do what you have to do, but if it's not neccessary, then i wouldn't. if i remember that particularly demanding and clingy phase lasts from about 6-9 months, and from what you've described your daughter isn't bad at all. if you're seeking socialization maybe seek out a playgroup or a park with a good group of moms. that gives you a little relax time too, just being around other parents. and social behaviors with other children as opposed to parallel play doesnt' really start happening until well some time after the first birthday. good luck.

Hello H.,
I have a 7 month old son! He was born 9/16. I moved here to Lafayette in Jan 06 and do not have any family here either. I work from home and take my son to a babysitter during the day. I would be happy to help you and meet you. Maybe I could "watch" your daughter for a couple hours in the evening and get her used to being away from you little by little. THe only problem is I am leaving tomorrow and will be out of town until June 8th... Bad timing, I know.
Feel free to call me, I would be happy to speak with you. ###-###-####.
M.

Try starting out with tuesday school or moms day out which is a daycare setting that only goes on for a few hours or 1 day. She will throw a fit but remember that is going to stop as soon as you are out of sight. I know it is really hard I myself have left crying during those times but its better to start now at an early age because it doesnt get better as they get older if you dont do something to control it now. I am a mother of 8 children one with ADHD and anxiety and he is 11 he still waits in the driveway for me to come home and needs explicit directions on where i am and when im coming home. Believe me he use to be a lot worse and part of that was because I allowed it to happen. Good luck and stay strong.

H. if I were you I would enjoy every minute with my baby. I had a baby young and I had no choice but to put him in daycare so I could work but wanted to be with my baby. I Regret the time I lost with him. If you don't need to work I would not put her in a daycare. But if you know other women with children you could exchange baby sitting services, not using money just them watching your baby when you might need an hour or two and you watch their baby when they need some time.

From what I understand baby girl and a new mother with 2 new step sons. Well that is alot to take in at one time. But here is something I learned about boys and girls they are as different as night and day. I myself have three boys and two girls, with five kids you always end up with a few more. When mommy and baby are the only ones home all day that is all she knows and it may be hard for to communicate and play with others at first but a baby will come around eventually. You could always give daycare a trial run and see how it turns out. Your daughter may like the new activity or change in her little life. But don't be upset because your husband two sons did not act like her each one of them will be there own lil person. As long as you and your husband show and share the love with the children everything will turn out great.

I was in the Active Army and had to put my son in day care. At first I tried a personal sitter. I tried that for a year then my husband and I decided to use the base childcare development center. It turned out to be wonderful not only for my son but for us.I also don't have any family around. feel free to email me at ____@____.com -M.

your situation is not unique...you are not alone. children sense discomfort in us...are you happy? besides that issue, she may need the comfort of security from you, knowing that you are there, try leaving the room periodically while you are home alone and see how she reacts. this lets her know that even when you are out of her sight you are still there, doing this often will gain her confidence and allow her to feel more comfy with your separations no matter how long. now, when you leave her with someone i suggest that you begin by doing it in house, have a friend come over and sit with her while you go to the bathroom. she should understand ,while in a comfortable environment, that you will be returning. doing this several times will help her the same as above. YOUR REACTIONS TO HER MUST REMAIN THE SAME!!! if she throws fits about you leaving when you step out the door, dont rush back and baby her, this is not going to help, she is safe and you are there, call to her and let her know you will be back in a second, let her hear your voice, sing, call her name whatever, but it lets her know that you are not far.
my daughter (now 1.10) was bordering on that but i remembered what i had done for my son and it was helpful...feel free to e me with anymore questions..
Q.

Honestly, daycare might be a GOOD option for a baby with a real "mommy addiction". A good daycare will do a few things that will help you a lot... first of all they will help your daughter get used to being around people other than family and teach her that she's safe and ok even when mommy's not right there. Also as she gets older a daycare will teach her to follow instructions and to interact with other kids. I'm actually concerned about your husband's opinion of your daughter. She's 7 months old and far too young to be manipulative or "bad". unless she has some type of major medical issue there is no reason any daycare could not handle her. Just because his sons may have been more passive does not mean anything is wrong with your daughter; she just prefers to voice her needs a little more urgently. You husband needs a real lesson in the idea that all children are different and that's part of the beauty of them! If you want your daughter in a daycare then interview daycares... feel free to inform them in advance of her personality so that the caretakers have some idea of what to expect. Good luck to you, hun... I'm sure it will go just fine!

Hey H.!

I was having problems and hesitance about putting my son in daycare, so I looked up home daycares. Caregivers were either not state certified or had too many children to watch and I just didn't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving my baby with a stranger. I wish I could stay at home, but I have to work, so my mother offered to help me by watching him at night while I'm a work.

I started my night job this past Friday and hoped that Michael wouldn't act up, but unfortunantly, he did. I nurse him, so he didn't want to take the bottle and cried for hours. Around 3am, my mother said Mike gave in, drank it and finally went to sleep. My mother's around Michael everyday and he still cut up with her! However, last night, she said that they played together and he drank his bottles with no fussiness and problems!

Find a daycare that you feel comfortable with and before you sign her up or before the actual date you begin bringing your daughter there, visit the daycare for a couple of hours each day so that she can get familiar with the people she will be coming into contact with at the daycare. This way she won't feel like she's around total strangers and quickly be able to adjust to spending time with them while y'all are apart.

H. this helps!

girls are a lot more demanding than boys, so try not to compare her to your stepsons. i have 2 boys and a 21/2 girl in the middle, and she is byfar, the most demanding. if you want to put her in daycare, she would probably do great after a couple of weeks. my daughter went 2 days a week starting at 12 months, and they said she was the best one there, but when i got her home, she was still just as demanding. you'll be surprised what a different child she will be with other people. they know how to play their own parents, and it only gets worse as they get older, so i would suggest either getting with a group of other kids a couple days a week, or some sort of childcare away from you. she'll probably act the same when you're around, but be an angel for them. also, i believe its about this age that they go through separation anxiety, so that might be why she always wants to see you. good luck! you also need a little break every so often to be the best mom you can be, so if you can afford it, i'd check into childcare, or maybe mother's day out at a church. usually they are from 9-2 like tue. and th.

Hi H.
I know just what you are feeling my son is 14 months old and he is the same way, I was told that he is demanding because since he was born I have had him on a routen, so I always had everything ready for him before he needed it and now I thought that maybe I can wait. Your husband may need to relize ALL KIDS are different. Daycares will take your daughter, just depends on the type of daycare you put her in. My son isn't in daycare I refuse to put him in a daycare for personal reasons. Every now and then he goes to my mothers on the weekends but other then that he is home. I H. I have help just a little.
Have a good day and good luck.

Hi H.!
I'm sorry you are struggling, being a new mom is hard. Don't feel like it's something you are doing, or not doing. Some babies are just fussier than others. But a good daycare should be able to handle that just fine, because they should have trained workers to do just that. Also, you mentioned you don't hold her a lot, does it help the fussiness when you do hold her? Sometimes people will tell you that you will "spoil" your baby if you hold her too much, this is not true. I know someone who has a PHD in infant development, and she assures me that you can't spoil a baby with affection. Babies will develop more security if they feel like their needs are being met. Go ahead and hold all you want! My husband and I are part of a "Baby 101" class at our church, that is led by the infant development specialist, and that has been helpful to us because she gives us lots of good advice. Let me know if you would like some info on it. Good luck!

Some children have more demanding personalities than others. It could be in part just her personality. But not being around anyone else is not good for her. She needs to learn that other people are ok, and also that when you leave, you are coming back. When they're that young, if they can't see it, they're not sure it still exists. At 7 months, they don't really play with other kids, but getting her used to the idea of other caretakers is a good idea.
The first time I put my daughter in the nursery just to attend a church service, she cried. They let her cry for a little while, then came and got me. The next time, she cried again, but not as long. After a while, she figured out that I would be back soon. It takes time for their little brains to figure these things out because they have no previous experiences to draw on and no way to let you know what they're feeling except to cry.
The first time I left her in day care when I went back to work, she cried. (I did too). The lady that ran the day care held her some, let her cry some, held her some more, and, of course, at the end of the day, I came back. Again, once she figured out that every time I left, I came back, she was fine.

Hi H., I understand what you are going through and I don't think it would hurt your daughter at all to be in some kind of care. You might want to see if there is a mother' day out program near you and you could maybe even work there for a while and get to know the people that work there and also give your daugter some time away from you. I know when I lived away from home and had to depend on people I didn't know to care for my 18 month old it was hard on both of us but I couldn't go to the dentist, doctor or anywhere like that. I put her in a national chain day care with an open door policy and started off with one hour stays and then increased alittle at a time. It ended up being a good thing because her Dad ended up having day surgery and I didn't have to worry about her while I was at the hospital with my husband. Good luck.

Hi, H.. I don't know that I can help you with your situation, but if you want to make a new friend, that would be nice. I have a situation similar to yours.
I have a 21 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. My son didn't act as clingy as my daughter either when he was small. My daughter still gets separation anxiety if she is away from me. It took us until she was about 11 just to get her to quit asking to sleep with me! She was a good baby, too, and like you I didn't hold her constantly.
I didn't believe in daycare for my kids because I had heard too much about the times children were treated poorly at daycare, plus them contracting every sickness that came through. However, I also wonder if I should have found a good daycare for the separation aspect and allowing her to socialize young with other children.
We've always lived where we had very little to no family, moving quite often when my children were younger to follow jobs. We were torn between which family to live near, so we finally decided to get away from both sides. Having little cousins or friends near may have helped. I did take my kids to park, but that was hit and miss.
Anyway, the point is, no, you daughter isn't like the boys, but even if she were a boy, she may still be different. She is her own little individual self. There isn't anything wrong with that. I struggled for a long time, thinking there must be something wrong. I finally decided that I needed to work with it instead of against it. I didn't want my daughter to feel like a weirdo because she had an issue like this, especially not now that she is a teenager. It's hard enough to be a teen. I discovered that everyone has a special something about them that requires a bit more attention and respect. It's part of what makes us different. Anyway, it would help if your husband could understand that she is not supposed to be like the boys, and you need his support trying to ease the struggle and help your daughter be a little more independent. It doesn't make her weak, and helping her will help her be stronger and learn how to cope with situations herself in the future.
I H. this helped in some way. S.

I agree with those that said every child is different. I also think that what people think is demanding is different. The best thign I can say about daycare is that it teaches children that sometimes they have to wait their turn. My son is wonderful, but when it comes to food he has no patience at all. He would scream and through a fit if he felt we were taking to long weuither feeding him or getting his food ready. They said he did that for about a week at daycare and then learned that he would get his when it was his turn and things are soo much better!!!