Delicate Mother-daughter Situation

He will eventually grow out of it. She will eventually die and be gone forever. I miss my MIL every day and wish I had made more effort to be nicer and let her have her way more. She meant no harm or meanness to me. She just wanted to do a few things her way. I wish I had let her.

He will be okay no matter what she does. Keep working with him when she's there or not there. Let her feed him if she feels like it. She will eventually see an improvement in his eating quantity.

This is such a little thing to fight over.

generally, as long as grandparents aren't putting your child in danger (i.e. refusing to use a car seat) I subscribe to the notion of giving them free reign. Kids learn pretty quickly that although grandma may do something or allow something that doesn't mean mommy will. After your mother is gone, I personally wouldn't spoon feed him at all. If he doesn't want to feed himself, he doesn't eat that meal until the next meal time. He'll learn quickly that around mom and dad he still has to feed himself even if he gets a break when grandma is around.

When he gets older he will not allow her to feed him anymore. So don't worry about it.

Plus, kids figure out what they CAN do with grandparents and what they CAN'T do with parents. Things don't always have to be the same.

It's okay to deal with the regression. He'll get used to it.

Dawn

For me there are two categories of deciding when to put my mom foot down - the child will be harmed v. the child will surive with zero long term damage even though it goes against my norm/grain/standards/etc. For instance, our son has a lactose intolerance so if my mother (or other person) were to knowingly feed our son lactose containing items after being told not to, I would be mad and I would put my foot down, laying down the law in no uncertain terms. In contrast, when I take our son to see his grandmothers and they spoil him a bit with too much attention, sweets, special treats, etc., I let it go. There is a bit of grandmotherly spoiling rebound after a visit but I figure that's normal. In your case I'd let the feeding issue go. It's not much of an issue in my mind. I agree with Anne L. I have yet to see a spoon fed 5 or 16 year old (my other barometer of how serious something is). Good luck.

a few days of adjusting after grandmom leaves is normal...heck my 5 year old has a day of adjusting after coming back from her dads each monday. she;s his grandmom she's allowed to spoil and baby him. she lives so far away why make it an issue or bring it up?

My MIL does/did this too..I just bit my tongue and went along with it. She also had this weird thing about cutting up everything I served them even pizza. Don't worry your kids will adapt at what 'grAndma' does, and what you do. If not they will let her know once theyre old enough. my 4 yr old just recently told my MIL as she was cutting his sandwich into quarters..."that's not how you do it grandma...I'm not a baby, you just cut it like this". LOL

It does seem like you have the most likely plan for success (expect your mother will not change and just know you will need to get your son back on track after she leaves). If it's any comfort, remember that your son WILL continue to develop independence and will want to feed himself very soon. I am yet to see a healthy five-year old who was being spoon-fed by an adult. So this particular issue will take care of itself, I'm certain!

You are the mom. Your mom is the one who needs to adjust, not you. My suggestion is to kindly ask that your mother respect how you are raising your son and not spoon feed him as you are working hard for him to have this bit of independence.

She will disagree with you, but that's fine! She has her opinion and you have yours, but since you are the mom she needs to allow you to live in your role and not make you revert back to being a child yourself and obey her wishes. After all, you have to deal with the fallout when she leaves.

I wish you the best!

Oh yes ...the Russian way :) My mom is coming in 4 weeks from Russia ...it has been 2 years . Honestly I would put up with "grandparents love" if my kids could see her 4 times a year . Your son will not be 10 and wanting to be spoon fed ........let babushka love on your son :)

I think you answered your own question. She doesn't get to see you every day, so sometimes, gulp, we have to swallow it...no pun intended.

Despite cultural or parental differences, you are the Mom.

If you think your son has a problem with motor-skills/feeding himself, then ask your Pediatrician. Let your Pediatrician, have the last say.

Kids this age, are not fully coordinated per fine motor skills. Kids are messy when they eat. But mostly, they are learning to be experts at it.
Fine.

Per "eating"... any human should not be forced to eat. I don't know if your Mom is doing this, but a person should eat per their body's cues. ie: hungry or full. If a child never learns this and about their body's cues... then... eating may become a problem... ie: overeating just to please other people, eating to ease boredom or to get emotional satisfaction. This is, dysfunctional eating. And it is a "habit" that can affect a person, even as adults. "How" a child is taught to eat, may then become how they eat. Later as adults. For emotional reasons.

Being small, is also per genetics. Not just because of how a child eats or not.
A child does not have to be chubby or big... if your Momis old-style in thinking and therefore, she keeps feeding your child, because he is "small."

You are the Mom. You decide what is best for your child. And in what he is taught or not.

Certainly, a child this age should be, getting used to using utensils themselves, to eat. If your child were in Preschool, he would have to feed himself. For example. At this age. But again, kids this age are not experts, at being fully coordinated. But they can feed themselves.

Or, you tell your Mom, that the DOCTOR, said, he can feed himself and that he CAN "practice" eating by himself. And that is developmentally, fine and normal.

If she comes 3 - 4 times a year, then she comes every 3 - 4 months. Right after she leaves, go back to having him feed himself. If you start right away, it should be a habit before her next visit.

I would really hope that you wouldn't "threaten" to not let her see your son over this stupid little issue. I am a grandmother and you can't imagine how it feels to be told that. It seems like if you were even considering it over this inconsequential issue, then it is on your mind and you will, at some point, play your trump card. Shame on you!

By the way, I agree with your mom. If he won't feed himself enough food, then someone should be helping him. You candidly admit that he should be eating more. Your mom is thinking of his health and long-term well-being; you are trying to reach milestones.

I just read your SWH. You told him grandma still thinks he's a baby? Just wait for her next visit. You've now thrown a wrench between them. Why did you have to bring grandma into it? Why couldn't you have just said "you are not a baby anymore and I won't feed you" and left it at that? Talk about throwing grandma under the bus! You should be ashamed!

does he have a medical reason for this that might help explain it to her?? like Dr says little joey needs to do these things himself for therapy.