My son's behavior is getting progressively worse.. He is a 6th grader and is stuggling in his behavior and academics. I argues with his teachers about everything, doesn't do his classwork, can't control his temper (he has lost friends because of his anger) I am in the process of collaborating with his school and teachers on a solution. As his parents we feel we are running out of options when it comes to helping him correct his bad behavior. We have tried EVERYTHING! Every approach in the book to help him understand the importance of his choices and actions and nothing has worked. I am at my wits end.
What kind of counseling/therapy has he had? Sometimes the school psychologist isn't enough, he may need outside help.
What does his pediatrician say/recommend? Has he been tested for learning delays or disabilities?
Has he tried seeing a therapist? Have you tried hiring a college aged kid to come by and be his homework tutor? I feel for you. My 4th grade son is a difficult kid. I may be where you are one day. A therapist has been helping so far. I have talked to so many people about this and have had quite a few people say they were like this as a kid and would get very angry...and they all say they slowly matured in their 20s. So maybe there is some hope!
If you've tried everything, you've tried counseling. And more than one counselor until you've found one he can relate to? You've had him through anger management training? You've tried martial arts training? If martial arts didn't work (and I've seen it work for many, with the right teacher) then other sports that he is interested in. Your frustration is loud and clear, but there is always one more thing to try (and try again and try longer).
usually anger is a reaction to some inner emotional turmoil. You said he's lost his friends...usually at this age, problems with the peer group seem to be at the root of a lot of problems.
When kids feel awful inside, they have a hard time functioning in the rest of their life. I would try to get him to a counselor or talk with him about when his problems started...what was the trigger?
Have you looked into ABA therapy? it is behavior counseling that helps the kids learn to control themselves. It is more advanced then just the basic Pbis or Postive Behavior model that most middle schools use, Or, at least in our area.
I also second anger management help or counseling. This maybe a time to bring in some specialized therapist and get their help. When it is this advanced that he is arguing with authority figures, then it is beyond what most parents can do alone. Even Dr. Phil says that. I love watching him, I have learned so much. But, I am a teacher and when kids act out that much there is usually something else going on. Good luck, you can get to the root of this, but it may be a very long road.
Middle school sucks big time. Boys and girls! How about some counseling. Sounds like it would help a lot.
Quite often FOOD affects behaviour. I have blogged about this many times. Here’s a list of some of the most medically questionable and harmful additives in everyday foods:
1. Sodium nitrite
2. BHA & BHT
3. Propyl gallate
4. Monosodium glutamate
5. Trans fats
6. Aspartame
7. Acesulfame-K
8. Food colorings (Blue, Red, Green, Yellow)
9. Olestra
10. Potassium bromate
11. White sugar
12. Sodium chloride (salt)
These have all been known to cause behaviour problems.
BREAKFAST: The only food in my house in the morning is www.BestBreakFastEver.com.
LUNCH/DINNER Suggestions:
- Veggie lasagna - minimal cheese, just lots of goodness
- EGGS: Omelets stuffed with veggies and cheese (eggs are GOOD for you and they are NOT just for breakfast - Please buy organic)
- Whole grain RICE with veggies (my kids LOVE a mixture of tomatoes, green onions, olive oil and Italian seasoning warmed in the oven and sprinkled over rice)
- PASTA – get creative – ANYTHING goes on pasta - try different types of pasta, eggless pasta, gluten free pasta, rice pasta, brown rice pasta, organic, even different type of grains (amaranth, spelt, quinoa, millet to name a few): Tortellini, Pasta salad
- French toast sticks
- Whole wheat pancakes with fresh fruit
- STIRFRY
- SOUPS – minestrone, cream of broccoli, tortilla, pumpkin the choices are endless!
- Oh so sea shells: Buy large sea shell pasta and have the family help you stuff them with their fav foods, carrots, broccoli mushrooms, cheese, asparagus, etc
- fajitas / quesadillas / enchiladas
- wraps – my kids put EVERYTHING in a tortilla wrap – even cold spaghetti!
- grilled cheese with veggie IN or on the side
Sorry if I gave too much info...but I taught "behaviorally challenged" kids for years...and once I could teach their families how to eat properly, the challenges went away.
What drugs have you tried?
Everything? Has he seen a psychiatrist? It sounds like he could be dealing with a medical condition here.
Our son has ODD and what you've described is quite common in kids who have it. Could be something else entirely, but have you explored the possibility of a brain condition causing these issues? It's worth at least having a psychiatrist evaluate him, if you haven't already (since you've tried everything, perhaps you have).
I'm with Gamma G in wondering if you've tried any medication. Our son's ODD is in check with medication and it's made a huge difference.
Good luck! Hope you can find a solution that works.
Just out of curiosity, does his bad behavior have consequences? Are you taking away anything as a result of this behavior? When I read "helping him correct his bad behavior" or "help him understand the importance of his choices and actions" it makes it sound like you guys are handling this in only one way. Where's the discipline? Truly the comments before mine are definitely options…. but I would see them as options only after stern discipline with follow up, has failed to work.
My son is in 7th. He does the work, but then doesn't turn it in, and can't understand why the teachers mark him down. Grrr.
As for the aggression. Is it possible that he is being bullied? My brother went through something similar in 6th grade. The first interim that he brought home with a D/F on it, my mom had that boy to a psychologist faster than he could tie his shoes!
It turned out that he was getting picked on by a kid for being smart - knocking his books away, tripping him, smacking his head... So he figured if he didn't get good grades, then the kid would leave him alone. My mom told him to think again! After talking to my hubby (then boyfriend), and getting reassurance from the folks that he wouldn't get in trouble at home, he finally defended himself. One time. That was all it took, and the kid started leaving him alone.
Last week, my son saw a friend - call him Adam - getting picked on while at his locker. Another kid - call him Billy- was knocking Adam's books, taking papers, etc. My kid walked up behind him, tapped Billy on the shoulder and said 'Boo!'. Billy was so surprised that he lost his balance. It was enough to make Billy back off.
Exercise. I know it sounds silly, but it works. Going for a family walk, bike riding, playing Dodgeball, rock climbing, even yoga, are all helpful.
Another thing that helps is writing. When he gets angry and wants to yell and scream at a classmate or teacher, he can't use words or actions, he has to write it down. 'I am mad!' 'You are wrong!', 'Grrrrrrrrr'. Sometimes, the act of having to think about writing how you are feeling, is enough of a distraction to quell the moment of anger. If that doesn't work, he can always ask to go talk to the Guidance counselor. That second. That is what they are there for.
Something else to consider is to get a glucose mapping done. I found early on with my son, that when he hadn't eaten in a while, he was quicker to anger, was more confrontational. The solution could be as simple as making sure he has water and life savers handy during the day. Just a thought.
I'm figuring you have checked into this, but will offer it anyway: Is there any chance he is (1) being bullied; (2) bullying others (not a judgement, but if he is angry, he may be taking it out on others and you say he's lost friends); (3) feeling peer pressure that wasn't there in elementary school?
Middle school is a huge transition (and where we are, sixth grade is still elementary, and I am not a fan of MS starting in sixth). If he has moved schools this year to a new location and is there with seventh and eighth graders, does he have any new things going on such as:
A new bus ride to school with older kids, especially older boys? He could be picking up this behavior from them or conversely being bullied and therefore lashing out at other times and places as a reaction.
Classes with older kids and/or with sixth graders who were not in his elementary school? MS is when kids suddenly get exposed to a huge number of kids from different schools and of different ages, values (including kids who don't value school), backgrounds, different attitudes (including some bad attitudes and resistance to school that may not have been present in his elementary school). Again, he could be modeling what he's seen in cooler or older kids, or he could be adopting behaviors he unconsciously believes he needs to adopt in order to "survive" in the new school environment. He could be defending himself somehow against something he perceives but you don't know about yet. It could be real bullying or just pressure or something inside his own mind, but he sounds defensive and closed off.
I am not saying to throw all blame for problem behavior off him and onto others, or to say, "Oh, it's all these bad influences!" His choices are his own and he has to take responsibility -- but just be aware that there are a lot of changes in MS that adults may not see as a big deal (or may even see as good things, like having gym or electives with older students) but which may rock a kid's world in ways we adults don't "get."
I hope that the school counselor is part of the deal when you say you're working with the school and teachers. The anger is especially worrying and I agree with others that it might take a counselor or therapist outside school to work on this with him. The defiance against teachers could be part of the overall anger but needs to be dealt with now in MS.
And you and your husband might want to see a counselor or therapist who specializes in parenting and family issues to see if you can come up with some ideas for how to help your son through what you do and say at home, the disciplines you use, deciding when to discipline (because not every little thing is a battle you should fight) and so on. A third party can really help when it's hard to get outside your own emotions about a kid's behavior, so consider that as a source of help for you, not just for him. You sound very frustrated and say you have tried "every approach in the book" but have you tried any one approach consistently over a long enough time for him to "get it" and for you to visit the same consequences on him repeatedly? That's the kind of thing a family therapist could help you and your husband figure out. I hope it goes better soon. I do think 11 is young for MS -- if the acting out began when the new school year began, I think it seems clear it's tied somehow to pressures at or anger over school.
