I have a 7-year-old son in second grade. He's a sweet, wonderful, funny little boy who does well in school and has many friends. His teacher enjoys having him in class, and he's not had any real problems until just the past couple of months.
In December, I got a call from our principal because my son was being bullied. My husband went to the school and spoke with the principal, and the problem was taken care of then. The bully was suspended for 3 days.
In the past couple of weeks, every time my son has gone to the park, he's had an altercation of some sort. Now, I'm not there (the park is only 3 houses down), so I can't say for sure what happened, but apparently some older kids are pretty mean to the younger kids. My son was actually put in a choke hold by an 11-year-old, and it scared him pretty bad. My husband actually went to the park and confronted this kid, and told the older kids they need to be nice to the little kids, blah, blah.
Well, today - and this is so disappointing and scary for me - I was called to school to pick up my son because he hit another child in anger. Not only was it a hit, he poked the other child in the HEAD with a pencil. I'm devastated. I went to pick him up and he's suspended from school for a day. I can't even begin to wrap my head around how to handle this situation. The dean of students suggested that my son meet with the school guidance councilor to deal with some of his sensitivity and anger. I think that's an excellent idea. I know my son is ultra-sensitive, meaning he is very prone to melt downs (crying, screaming, etc), but they've never been violent. I'm afraid this behavior is only going to get worse if it's not addressed. I'll be honest, my husband has some real anger issues, and does not express his anger appropriately, so the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
So, when we got home, my husband sat down with him and talked to him. I came in a little later in the conversation, and told him that even grown ups have a hard time with anger - we don't always do the right things when we're mad, and everyone makes mistakes. I told him he needs to learn to use his words BEFORE he gets so mad that he can't think of anything else to do but lash out. I also took away 2 privileges for a week, and told him he needs to think of a way to apologize to the boy he hurt and to his teacher.
HELP! I need some advice on what else I can do to help my son (and my husband, for that matter) work through their anger management issues before it gets out of control. I know my son, he's a wonderful, smart and funny little boy, but he just doesn't have any way to express his anger. Any suggestions??
Thank you, Mommas!!
D., I don't have any advice to give, but I wanted to tell you that you sound like a fabulous mom based on how you are handling this. I wish you the best.
He's acting out BECAUSE he is being picked on and bullied where ever he is.
I would not approach him as though "he" is the problem... but somehow teach him that not all people have nice intentions... to learn to discern people... and to stay clear of them (if possible) and to TELL a Teacher or adult if he is in trouble.
Communication and being CONFIDENT about it. About HOW to "ask" for help.
Keep encouraging him to express his feelings to you... boys NEED NEED NEED to know its "okay" to express their feelings and to have feelings... and that a "strong" boy is not about being "quiet" and pent up.
He needs to learn coping skills and to TELL someone when something is wrong.
Just some quick suggestions. Be careful not to "label" him as "bad"... he is just acting out because HE is being "hurt" and picked on.
All the best,
Susan
Ditto Susan's response below. He acted out because he's bullied and doesn't feel safe. I was bullied in school, so I understand where he's at ... it's a very scary time when you don't feel safe and with boys, I can see how that would come out in anger.
It wouldn't hurt to have him talk to a therapist. They can be a useful, neutral source for your child to talk to about frustrating situations and help him manage his anger. There's no shame at all in turning to the psychiatric community for help. Our son has gone to a behavioral therapist since he was three due to his ADHD and we've found it quite helpful. And the lobby is always full, so we're not the only ones out there pursuing help for our child.
Good luck!
I agree with the other moms but would had one more suggestion. Have you considered getting him into an extracurricular activity such as martial arts? Not so that he can learn to fight to defend himself (although if in a tight spot it can help) but to build up his self confidence so he will be less of a target for bullies.
Good luck,
K.
.
In reading your post, it sounds to me as if your son picked this up from outside the home since you said it started “after” the incidents you mentioned. Did you explain all this to the Dean? I’m also reading that this is the first time anything like this has happened? It sounds like your son is a great kid and you handled the situation just fine. Sitting down with him, explaining to him what he did was wrong, he should use his words, and you took away privileges etc. Plus your husband gets involved, that’s great too (although sounds like he needs some guidance too
with his anger =-)). You didn’t mention how your son responded to the talk you guys had with him… Did he admit he was wrong? Was he in agreement?
Keep guiding your son with love and care. All kids pick up on bad behavior at some point but as long as the parents are there to steer them back into the right direction, they will make the right choices.
Dear D.,
My heart goes out to you. Kudos to you for reaching out for support and advice. I think as parents we want to believe we are capable of handling everything our little stinkers dish out, and for the most part...we are. However, it's not unusual to find yourself faced with a situation that requires outside intervention.
2 years ago our 2nd son (who was also 7 at the time) was having some major anger issues as well, so I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Like your son, my little guy was (and IS!) a sweet, funny, amazingly talented and wonderful little boy who brought so much life to our family! He had an incredible way of determining the mood of our home. His moods were extrememely contageous and affected our entire family. We were dealing with a little boy who would be happy one minute then get angry over anything and everything and have a complete meltdown. It was like living around a landmine. The stress became unbearable. No matter what we did, nothing helped. I read books, I sought help and advice from friends and family...you name it, we tried it. I felt like we had exhausted EVERY single measure to help him, and when I realized that after several months our whole family was being worn down by his constant outburts of anger and frustration, I had to finally accept that we were going to need outside help. The worst part of this realization for me was feeling completely helpless as his mother! It was VERY difficult. But, I swallowed my pride and contacted a counselor in hopes to get help for my son and advice on how to help him. I just wanted my happy boy back! My husband and I didn't know what to expect, but after our first visit with our counselor, we knew we had made the best decision we could have possibly made! Our counselor was FANTASTIC. She helped my son deal with his anger in a way that I would have never dreamed possible. As someone who has been in a very similar situation, I URGE you...for your sake, for your son's sake, and for your husband's sake, please get some counseling! You will not regret it! Good luck with everything.
It looks like you've received some great advice. Let me just add...There seems to be a lack of supervision at your neighborhood playground. Those older kids have found that they can get away with bullying the younger kids with no consequences. First, I would not send my son there unless there was an adult there or I checked that those older kids were not around. By avoiding those kids when there is no adult around, you wouldn't have to worry about your son picking up on their negative behaviors. Second, I would find out who they are and call their parents. If I were their parent, I would want to know what was going on at the playground.
We have been through this. Our son was bullied a lot at school, and it affected his behavior negatively. We tried a lot of different things to correct the behavior, but it is so hard when they are dealing with this day in and day out. It turns out that the bullying was worse and more frequent than we were aware of too. We finally had enough of it and pulled our son out of school and began homeschooling him. This has made a night and day difference in our child. He is so much happier and learning so much more too. Homeschooling still offers plenty of opportunities to interact with other children. So, we are not sheltering him and keeping him away from others. He is getting plenty of social interaction , as opportunities for this are plentiful within the huge homeschooling community in the Phoenix area. The homeschoolers even have organized P.E. classes, so they are not missing out on P.E. either. If you haven't already considered homeschooling as an option, you might want to give it a try. Kids do not need to be subjected to the negative influences of bullying. There are many different homeschooling curriculums out there. You can find them by searching on the web. We use Sonlight. http://www.sonlight.com/registration-request.html That would at least give you a starting point to start looking at curriculums. If you have any questions or need other suggestions for curriculums, I'd be happy to help you. Just make sure to let your son know how much you LOVE him and care for him.
Thich Naht Hahn has some great books about how to deal with anger. One suggestion he has is to create a space in your house where members of the family can go to breathe (a breathing room if you will) when they are angry. it is best to nurture anger and not ignore it. letting it out helps, but won't bring complete peace in the long run. hahn describes it better in his books. good luck!
The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo, John Mac Arthur, and Jay E. Adams is a superb book...hard to read as most of it is for the parent. Our children will take our flaws as license for freedom and magnify to incredible lengths. Usually when I see something I hate in one of my kids, I can find it as a flaw in myself. They just don't have the self control to moderate it! Best wishes.
K.
Let me first say what a wonderful mom you are for the way you have dealt with the problem thus far. I think what you are doing will help solve the problem. Unfortunately, there are bullies everywhere and we all need to teach our children how to deal with them. I know this from experience because we have a couple that live right across the street and their parents watch what they do and don't do anything about it. UGHHH!
Anyway, what I have done with my children is to tell them to use their words and if they feel like they want to do something to hurt them, to walk away. I help them to understand that what they say has no bearing on the person they are. If the bully wants to say that my child is an idiot, I have taught my children to respond by saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If the bully has another comment, just keep saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Eventually they will go away. The important part is that they don't really listen to what they are saying and don't engage in the conversation and become a broken record in their response.I do realize this is very hard for children. It has taken my children years to get this concept down, but they are starting to get it.
As far as the anger issue, I have always told my children that it is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel like they want to hit something or scream. I have told them, if they feel like doing these things, to go do it to a pillow in their room. Hit the pillow as hard as they can or scream into it as loud as they can. They need to be able to have that outlet. Even as adults we need to get that angry energy out of our bodies. It's the same with children only they need to be taught how to let that anger out in a healthy way.
I also think that it is a great idea for your son to talk to the school councilor. He/she will be able to give your son some tools to be able to defend himself without being violent and sometimes it is better when it comes from someone besides parents. I would also make sure that his teachers know what is going on so they are able to keep an eye on the situation. Because you can't be there, the teacher can be your eyes and ears.
One last suggestion I have is to look up informational books on how to help your children defend themselves against bullies. Look up the reviews on each one also. I have never done this, but I'm sure it would help.
I don't know that any of my suggestions will help because it sounds like you are doing a lot of these things anyway. Sometimes it's is just nice to know that there are other parents out there having the same issues and that we are doing some of the right things. I hope that things get better with your son. He sounds like a wonderful boy. Once again, you are a wonderful mom and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. I wish you all the best.
