Defiant 6 Year Old - What to Do?

He could be dyslexic. He could also be sooo brilliant that he is bored to tears. If he is both dyslexic and brilliant, most are, he isn't doing his work because he can't read it and in his mind he is way past it.

Have him tested by someone outside his school.

He sounds like a boy that was in my son's class for 4th - 5th grade. The simpliest things would cause conflict. He was constantly going to the office, fighting, sitting in the corner. One day we went on a field trip to the science museum and he was assigned to my group. Yea.

That kid was a different kid. He was in his element. I let him explore on his own as long as he stayed in my sight. He was excited and eager and didn't cause any problems. The only problem that came up was caused by my son. We were standing outside the movie theater where you could see the projection room and the boy made a comment about the film size. My son said no that's not it ... long story short, they had a yelling match in front of every one from 3 schools. The male teacher came running and I told him I had it. Told the boys to shut it and back up. Then we separated them. Let the boy cool down.

My point is that maybe he has a higher intelligence in an area that he hasn't really been tested in yet. He tests the Spanish teacher because he is fluent in Spanish, speaks it with you(?), and feels like he is done learning.
I would get 2nd - 3rd grade books in math, science, etc and see if he finds them interesting. If he does, have him keep them at home and school. He is allowed to work in them once his work for school is finished. Try finding some books that are slightly above his reading level. Again, he can read them when he is finished with his work.

Another thing that might be amiss is his eye sight. Have you had his eyes tested? My son was not doing work, 'forgetting' assignments. Out of the blue I had his eyes tested, and he has monovision, which means only one eye is working, the other eye is basically blind and/or blury. As soon as he started wearing glasses, his attitude changed, and his grades improved.

I'm glad to read that you have an appointment with a child psychologist. You need a very experienced person to work with him and I think that this is a good way to get there.

Reading Megan's comments made me wonder how he would do in a Montessouri environment where learning is done in a different way. You might want to research that.

I wish you all the best. There are no easy answers.

Dawn

Here are a few points for perspective, but NOT meant to mean it's too late, just meaning that effectiveness is key.

ALL kids, ESPECIALLY EXTREMELY SPIRITED ONES take very firm and consistent discipline to achieve good behavior and to PREVENT the idea that total defiance would EVER be allowed. Even my easiest child needed some firm discipline for some bad school behavior before she got it that it would NEVER fly. I have three, one easy, one spirited, and one extremely difficult much like your son by nature, but she had the most and the firmest discipline and is good, but still very challenging. Like your son, she has blown relatives minds when they have seen just how truly difficult she is, and some of them have up to ten kids. She's been raging since 6 months as well.

Anyway, nipping in the bud is LONG past as many consider 5 years old to be too late to set character habits. I'm NOT saying it's too late for your son, but if he has always been THAT difficult, then lots of your rewarding and positive teaching methods could have fueled the fire and spoiled him to this level. YES he has enough privileges and attention. More than most! He's way too old for "pow pows" on the leg to matter (after time outs, after removals=inconsistent). Is he too old for a serious spanking that hurts after a calm warning and in addition to privilege removal and hard chores? No. He shouldn't need it by now if you were firm up until age three, but he could still benefit from a serious reckoning when needed... But that would need to be incorporated into a whole system of loving support and structure to be effective and would not be needed often if he "gets" who is in charge.

I think if you go to a psychologist they're just going to steer you AWAY form discipline and you'll be in for a long and difficult ride and maybe convinced there is something "wrong" with him (which has happened to several friends of mine). To me he sounds like he needs firmer discipline from you and dad. He's getting to be the age where he has lots of testosterone and needs responsibilities and opportunities to pay hard and blow off steam, accomplishments etc, but not just in the form of fun stuff and compliments all day, but real work etc. I have lots of difficult boys in my extended family, they thrive with tough leadership and love....simplify! I think he should lose the electronics altogether until he earns them back with weeks of hard work and good behavior-or buys them himself when he gets older.

It's great you have him doing chores, think up some with more physical labor too.

And NO, he won't just grow out of it. You have to discipline him. Good luck! I have some book names if you want to PM me.

child psychologist sounds like the way to go - honestly, we are all moms (for the most part) here, so i think you really need more "expert" advice.

we are going through ADHD right now - he was diagnosed in November and we are trying to find a good protocol for him - on Thursday, i reached one of those "i don't know what else to do" moments. there comes a time when being the greatest mother in the world wouldn't help...it sounds like you are there. there is literally only so much a mom can do. DON'T beat yourself up. realize that this is bigger than you. and do what you're doing, which is GET HELP. i bet you will feel better after the visit with the psychologist. (they can diagnose or rule out ADHD - they can also tell you, hey, he's just spoiled, lol. not that i'm saying that's the case, just be prepared and open to whatever they say. they know better than we do, remember that!)

try to keep in mind - our goal is NOT to fit our kids into someone else's idea of a "normal" mold - our goal is to ensure they can succeed in life. let him be who he is - up to the point that it disrupts his school. at least that's always been my theory.

many, many children with ADHD are gifted intellectually. that very well may be what you are dealing with. he sounds like an amazing kid. don't give up! we are our children's champions. even if we don't have the answers, it is up to us to be fearless and KEEP AT IT until we find someone who does have them.

my last word of advice would be - do NOT always put your health and happiness last - that will have the opposite effect and render you LESS able to help him, which is the ultimate goal, right? TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. you really have to. this isn't to be selfish - to be able to have the strength to HELP HIM. hang in there mom. if you don't take care of yourself and give yourself a mental break occasionally, you won't be strong enough to do what he needs you to.

There is a book called "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. Dobson, that I have heard might be helpful. And I will probably be reading it soon because my 3rd child is a handful. There was definitely "something" up since day 1 with her. She is extremely bright, but has a lot of "stuff" going on that I never saw with her two older brothers.

I have considered that she may have some sort of sensory/anxiety disorder because that definitely runs in the family. There are a lot of people with "control" issues in our family and very strong personalities. My goal in life is to channel this kid's energy into positive things and keep her from steamrolling over everyone, lol.

I also stopped immunizing, because immunizations cause inflammation and the last thing you need in a kid like this is more inflammation affecting their bodies and brains.

I have to say that she gets put in time out a LOT, and also gets a spanking every now and then. Both curb the misbehavior temporarily. But I have found the best "discipline" with her is to actually sit down and talk with her, explaining why her behavior is unacceptable/hurtful to others, especially on God's terms. And honestly, she really gets it. She is smart enough to be reasoned with, even at this young age. She respects God and does WANT to behave, she just is very impulsive with a short fuse, and I suppose we will be working on this for a long time.

I feel for you. It's exhausting to raise a child like this. I am homeschooling all 3 of my kids, and I have to say it's a blessing to have her older brothers setting the example for her and helping correct her misbehavior as well...instead of other kids her age who might just think she is funny and encourage the behavior.

My son has never grown out of it... At 10, he still gets sent to the office at least once a week, and gets "codes" every day. If he gets no "green" he gets no "screen". Needless to say, he hasn't played the computer in a long time. If he is extremely good, or does a lot of chores, he can earn a little money or screen time back. He is not interested in sports, or martial arts, so it's hard to find an outlet for him. He is failing 4th grade right now with lots of F's. This is a child who read fluently at 3. Proper books. He wins every spelling bee he enters, and every speech competition. He is extremely well spoken, and smart. But he doesn't want to do his schoolwork. So he doesn't. I thought it was my parenting, but then I had my daughter, who is now 5, and she is totally different. Not an easy child, but not so distractable and willful as my son. I think my son does have ADD, he has never been tested or evaluated because we don't want to medicate anyway. I just started him on a high dose of omega 3 6 and 9, but I really think a lot of my sons problems are true willfulness. He can concentrate fine on stuff he wants to do, which is drawing and trains, he can read books, and write stories for hours. I discipline my child more, and harsher than any other parent I know. I don't have too much advice, other than keep trying different things

Aggravating and heartbreaking isn't it. It sounds like you should consider a couple other tests. Ask about Sensory Processing Disorder (many of his symptoms sound like they could be sensory related) and testing for giftedness.

List his strengths. List his weaknesses. Read the book Smart but Scattered and start written behavior contracts for one behavior change at a time.

My son is similar though probably not quite on par, but it takes a huge amount of effort on the part of me and my DH to keep him on the straight and narrow. He had a few suspensions the first part of the year for disrespectful behavior towards his teachers. He also does the falling down/pratfall/tripping stuff you mentioned and that was a big clue to us this year that his sensory issues are rearing their ugly head.

I am in close contact with all his teachers and the principal. The teachers have a behavior tracking system for him and my son is responsible for graphing the results every week. We are swift with consequences but he can earn back lost privileges with exemplary behavior. He is very bored in school but we stress the challenging parts (he has a gifted reading group this year that he loves!) and working on a better school option for him. We have taken him back to OT for more work on his sensory processing disorder and his fine motor delays. And the school is going to make a 504 Plan based on the OT's recommendations.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

I can totally understand where you are coming from as my almost six year old son is exactly the same way only we have the added bonus of he acts out physically as well. I know what it is like to have the "energetic child" - its like having the energizer bunny on steroids with an attitude.

I can tell you that our roller coaster ride started when he entered kindergarten - before that he seemed totally normal. I would suggest you have him evaluated by a psychiatrist and not just for ADD or ADHD. Have a formal assessment to ensure that he is not a high functioning autistic or has aspergers. Make sure they consider anxiety, sensory processing, and mood disorders as well. All of these could be contributing factors to his behavior. Entering school is often the first time parents notice these things because it is really the first time most children are having task demands placed on them - so it can seem like all of this is coming out of the blue, but really those traits have likely been there all along, it's just now more noticable because the environment has changed. If he has one of these conditions, it will help change your mindset and help chart a course for helping him learn new behaviors.

We're still in the formal evaluation process, but some things we have learned along the way is that our son suffers from high anxiety and the more anxious he gets the greater the frustration and the inclination to lash out. We also have learned that he has some fine motor coordination issues which lead him to get easily tired when writing and doing his academic work - which leads to him not doing it (not because he doesn't know the answers or what to do, but because it is tiring for him to hold the pencil and write things out). You can work with the school to get an occupational therapist to help him if that is an issue.

You don't mention in your post how he is with his peers. Does he engage in collaborative play or does he try and dominate his interactions with them as well (i.e., his way or no way?) If so, it may be that his emotional development is behind his intellectual development and he's stuck at a 2-3 year old level emotionally. We've learned that we need to work with our son to build his emotional IQ and to recognize what he is capable of and work with that (not focus so much on what he should be capable of, because if he was capable he would be doing it.)

Also work with your school and get an Individual Education Plan (IEP) - we ended up getting our son into a SEAS program (Social Emotional Academic Success program) which is designed to assist kids with these types of behaviors while still geting an education. It has been a blessing as they recognize what they are dealing with and you don't have to get the daily or weekly reports of how "bad" your child is. It helps provide a consistent environment for them and to be honest, it is a small class setting and my son is getting a much better education now then he was in his general education class of 25+ kids.

I wish you the best of luck as you go through all of this because it is easy to fall into the trap of "I just must not be a good parent or disciplining the right way..." If your son really does suffer from ADHD or something else, it's not that he's doing these things on purpose to irritate people, he's just wired differently and he needs the help and therapy to figure out how to act - it's not going to come naturally and it's going to take lots of practice and repetition and a ton of patience on your part. Good luck!

He may have ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Check it out on the web, then seek help.
Good luck!

I just want to send you a hug and maybe give you some hope. My son turned 20 years old last week. He works as a Web Developer (computer programming) and has been in a committed relationship for over 1 year. By most definitions he can be described as a successful young man.

Most of what you're experiencing with your son, I went through with mine. He even reduced me to tears on more than one occasion because I felt I just couldn't get through to him no matter what I tried!!

His Primary School also insisted I have him tested by an Educational Psychologist, and that he attend Occupational Therapy. None of the tests were "conclusive". All that they could tell me for sure was that he was "gifted" (not that you could tell from his school marks!!). He NEVER studied and only did the absolute MINIMUM required to pass the school year! The only good marks he got were for his IT studies, because computers have always been his passion.

I don't think there are any "easy" answers when it comes to children like our sons! When he was younger, keeping to a strict routine helped - he used to "freak out" whenever his routine was disrupted. Apart from that, all you can do (after you've gone through all the "experts") is to try your best to reward positive behaviour and ignore negative behaviour. It's EXTREMELY hard to do, but it did make things better with my son. I'd give MYSELF the "time out" (go to my room, close the door and just breathe and count or whatever, until I felt calm again).

I'm sending you love and best wishes.

Well, you just described my child word for word. He's even in Spanish immersion and I started when he was born. I have nothing to add because you said it all! The only difference is he is the oldest and we're a 2 parent family. I don't think he get a lot of one on one these days, but he sure gets priority on everything (being the oldest). He's the one who gets to do all the cools stuff, sports, outings, etc. The others are so young.

I would love Montessori but it's too expensive and I don't want to give up the Spanish. There is actually Spanish Montessori I could do but it's a little too far. School is tough for kids like him because they expect you to sit and do "boring stuff." Really he's better off being super active, more like summer camp stuff.

He might outgrow it.

Hello Mom, This is a very touchy subject and I am going to try to be as sweet, but as truthful as I can without offense to you. It is so hard when we are dealing with our children at that age. They funny thing about it is he has a little personality of his own. I personally do not believe that he has a learning disability. I believe it may be more of what you said...slightly spoiled. Sometimes when children are the only little ones around a lot of adults that will happen. We don't intend for that to happen, but it just naturally does. My middle child was so stubborn and mean when she was 2 that I really had no idea what to do with her. At the time I had an in home daycare and she would fight the other children and her sister, throw temper tantrums, and just get so angry when she didn't want to do something she was told. I can only share with you what worked for me. I am a Christian, so I began to really pray and interceded for my daughter. It took a while, but I saw a dramatic change take place in her little life. I read bible scriptures to her, put worship music on in her room at night as she would sleep, I monitored the TV programs and the music she would listen to because I knew these were gateways to her little spirit. I also did these things for the children in my daycare and I noticed a change in them as well. I think sometimes we can let others "label" our children, because it's easier for them to do that, and truth be told sometimes it's easier for us as parents to accept that because it gives us a "reason" for why our child is acting out. i love the fact that you spend quality time with your child. Continue to do that, but try reading the Bible to him and you will find that it not only will bring peace to him, but it will bring peace to you as well. Praying for the best for you mom. Keep up the good work...it will get better