Decision Making - Mount Laurel,NJ

We stop asking "what do I want?" and start asking " what is best for the family?" Even if our points of view are still different, we can discuss why we believe it's best for the family. Usually, the answer becomes clearer then, even it's a compromise.

C.,

Do you believe in God? If so - then pray. God doesn't just come down and make it all right. He gives you free will to make decisions. You can get tugs and other indicators that what you are doing isn't right - and encouragement/good feelings when it is right.

In situations - write up lists of pros and cons. compare your notes and see what you really agree upon.

These aren't things my husband and I fight over...but if they were - this is how we'd handle it - we'd pray about it and communicate...

Having another child - What was agreed upon when you got married? Did you state you wanted 2 or more? Was an agreement done PRIOR to getting married? My husband and I wanted 4. He wanted 2 of each. I wanted all boys (I've already got a daughter - thank you very much!! LOL!!) We were blessed with 2. We have 3 that were miscarriages.

Job - is this a job that is stable? Is it something that can support the family? When my husband was unemployed - he applied for jobs in Colorado and California (although he has no desire to move there - he knew it would make me happy to be closer to my family). If both are gainfully employed AND enjoying it??? If that one will have a harder time finding a new job in a new location, I might not go for the job. Being happy at your job is REALLY important (at least to me it is).

Moving - can you afford the new house? what makes the new house better? Can the kids go to the same schools or is it a full family upheaval?

There is always compromise. It's just a matter of who is willing to bend. If both are stubborn and steadfast - my way or the highway type - it will be a hard decision.

Good luck!

Honestly, what's helped us is to do what Doris Day suggested-- be a team, sit down together, look at all of the facets of impact from both sides of the decision... and go forward from there.

Maybe it is a sadder-but-wiser tale on my end, but I really knew who I was marrying, what his desires were, and what mine were as well. That helped a lot. Couples counseling helped a lot too. See, I believe that I was meant to be with my husband until one of us die. He feels the same way. So, there is some aspect of accepting hard realities that BOTH of us must be responsible for. If we came to an impasse on something, we are both so terribly committed to each other that we would be proactive and find someone to help us through the adjustment, to reconcile our relationship with each other, and to try to help us find common ground in what IS working. I do not view either of our situations as being so intractable that neither of us have some flexibility. There have been times in our relationship where we were in a spot where one or the other of us was hollering "something needs to change" and then we sought help.

Do we want to be right, to have our way, or to be married to each other? For me, that's the bottom-line question. Anyhow, that's how we deal with it. Not HIM or ME but US.

This probably isn't exactly what you want to hear, because it's a bit of an avoidance answer, but really it's all I've got.. so here goes.

We try really, REALLY hard not to let anything get to the point of making us "resent the other person and be continually angry." There are LOTS of issues about which we disagree. Many of those require decisions about which there can be no compromise. Having been married and divorced in my early twenties, I'm not really interested in knock-down-drag-out arguments over every silly opportunity to get my way. We do a pretty good job of talking through what we need and want, and each try to focus on getting the OTHER partner what he/she's looking for most of the time.

In terms of actually making the decisions, I guess we:

1) defer to the person who actually cares more... your question makes it sound like both you and your spouse are willing to die on every single hill that ever rises in your path, so that may not work for you, but in our household, even when we each have opinion, it's likely that one of us holds his/her opinion quite deeply while the other just feels a bit more inclined one way than the other.

2)defer to the original agreement... Is the choice between doing what we once agreed to do together an what one of us NOW thinks is a better idea. If we don't agree now, we stick with the original plan. So if we moved into a home with the intention of living there for 5 years and then moving closer to his family, but after 5 years we can't agree about whether we should make that move or stay because I like our current neighborhood, unless I can make a good case for #1, we'd move, because that was the original agreement.

That saves us a lot of resentment, I think.

HTH
T.

Sorry but just about every decision can be reached by compromise.

My husband and I have been married for 27 1/2 years. We look at what is in the best interest of our family. When we decided to move back to Texas, that was a big decision. First, I'm not a big fan of Houston. It is hot and humid and has a lot of bugs. Yuck! =) However, I knew that it would be best for hubby and his career and for our family. Which it was.

Kids - I knew after kiddo number 2 there would be NO 3rd. I did not want anymore. Hubby did. I explained that I was working full time, taking care of the house, kids and everything. He traveled all the time (about 80% of the time) so it really was me doing everything. However, we could not afford me going part time or not working. I knew I could not do another child in that situation. I told him if it was so important to him for us to have another child, I would BUT, he had to find a new job with little to no traveling and a lot more money. We only have two kids! =)

Seriously, we talk all the time. We talk about what we want as individuals, as a family, and as just the two of us. Our kids are grown and one is out of the house and off our payroll. The boy will graduate university 2015. So, our decision really only affect us at this point.

My husband has decided after 29 years at the same company that it is time to change. I really love my job. BUT I want him to be happy. If it is necessary to move we will. We are a team. No decision is an either or.

Um, you are a team, right? You would never do something to ruin the team? Your H should feel the same way.

My H has a want, that I totally disagree with. It would be a great burden on my marriage and possibly endanger it. It would effect our health and happiness. I would be continually angry. My H would never want to do that to me. He values me. We will not follow up on that want. I always know its there. If I changed my mind, I would let him know and he would have his way. But until then we just go along and get along. We are a team.

In the Bible, it teaches that two become one in a marriage.
If I hurt him, I hurt myself. If I love him, I love myself.
Our wants are not needs, and we do not present them as such.
No stamping feet and ultimatums.
Our needs are met by each other.

Learning HOW to compromise (yes, there is *always* a compromise) with your SO is something that couples should learn BEFORE getting married! If there are huge differences in opinion on how to handle making these life-changing decisions, for me, that would be a serious consideration if this person is "right" for me!

I think a lot of young couples, or newlyweds, or people who married after a very short time of dating/engagement might not have gone through these kinds of decision-making-processes and the first time they disagree it's a huge shock.
For me and DH (dated 5 years, engaged 1 year, married 9 years), we will ALWAYS make the decision that is best for our family--what will lead us in a positive direction, how will this affect our future (immediate and long-term), will the one of us "suffer" if we do this, etc. There isn't room in a relationship for "Well, if you don't just agree with me, I'll hold it against you forever!"

The way a person makes decisions is a core part of their personality (based on past experiences, example set by parents, etc) and I think that the *ability* to make these big decisions with your SO is critical to a successful relationship.

Not sure what decison you're working through, but good luck!

You don't compromise on major decisions. You either talk it out together and decide to do it, or not. If there is a disagreement, the answer is no.

You do have to communicate though. Explain why you do or don't want to do something, and then ask that your husband do the same. Talk it out. Understand his point of view, and help him to understand yours. That will help with the resentment.

You have to keep talking until you find some common ground. For our last big one (husband taking a job in another state) it finally came down to what we thought would be best for the kids. We took him and me out of it all together and looked at what life would be like for our kids in each place and made our choice based off that. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to see the other persons side, and them your side, and then decide who will gain or lose the most in each deal (maybe you would lose constant contact with certain friends while he could lose out on job advancement, you have to decide which is more damaging to the person).

In the end it has to be a joint decision even if one is not entirely happy. And sometimes one may have to give a little for the common good.

My husband and I have a good marriage. We look together as a team in terms of where our lives are going and what we need to do.

Having a good relationship plays a big part in helping us figure out when to make a life change. When a couple is having problems, it makes these decisions less about what's best and more about who wins the argument.

I do really think that if a couple is having marital problems, more care needs to be taken in regards to moving. Adding children when there are marital problems will never fix those problems but can exacerbate them. Talking to a marriage counselor about the possible life change would help a great deal, especially if you can also work on the other problems.

My husband and I have turned down possible assignments after sitting down and talking through all the pros and cons. Not my pros and cons. Not his pros and cons. OUR pros and cons. Every decision we have made has been good for my husband's career and for our family. Jobs we turned down turned out to be jobs that would have been a mistake and we were grateful later on that we dodged a bullet. The moves we HAVE made have been good for us both.

We both knew we were done having children once we had our 2nd child. We both know how much college costs. We both know how old we would be when the kids graduated. Both of us respect how each other feels about it. We both feel and believe that if one person doesn't want anymore kids, that this should mean no more kids. It's a permanent thing, bringing a child into this world. If both parents aren't on board with having another, then that should be the way the decision is made.

I hope that this helps you. I wish you a lot of luck.

there is ALWAYS a compromise. ALWAYS. If the couple states there is no compromise, they aren't "all in" and are so steadfast in their own personal beliefs and ways that the thoughts and feelings of the other are not considered.

We talked before we got married. We knew what was important us and what were deal breakers.

I won't tolerate cheating or lying. While the truth may hurt? I'd much rather hear the truth than a lie. I told him straight up. I will NOT cheat on you. I will not lie to you. I expect the same in return.

Sounds like you and your husband have a lot to talk about and many things to settle. Have you considered a mediator to help you get through to each other?

Pray.

Do not expect, however, that prayer will magically provide you with a solution you didn't think of before. But rather, prayer changes you.

You can always do a 'pros and cons' list. For instance moving, a pro could be better schools, a con could be longer commute to work. When you write it all out and have hubby write it all out then go down the list and see what is most important to both of you -- you have found the decision.

Decision making is a skill and takes practice, like anything else. No matter how good or bad you are as a cook, you are better today than you were as a teen because you have more practice.

Don't worry about making a bad decision, nothing is carved in stone. Everything can be changed. Worry about not making a decision or letting someone else do all your decision making.

If both of you are adamant, such as he's done and does not want more kids and you do want more kids then you've reached an impasse.

You have to sit down with him and have a visit. Ask him to present his case, why he feels he is done. To convince you. Then ask for the same respect so that he will listen to you.

Still at an impasse? Then it's time to be blunt. Tell him you want more children and are going to be upset about this to the point it will be the end of your marriage. If it's more important that doing what your husband wants then it's over.

"Either...or...", huh? Yeah, I hear that. That doesn't come up too much in my marriage, but when it does, we do lists of pros and cons and figure out timelines...what we can deal with short term versus the long-term results/benefits. We discuss and discuss and break it down to its simplest parts.

You need to stop looking at it as a compromise when one of you doesn't get your way. It should be more looked at as cooperating with each other. you need to both be on the same page. you won't always be. but it can't be an either we agree or we are done scenario about the big stuff or your going to be unhappy. about everything.