Just Need Someone to Listen

J.
What you just described is a "slump" that couples go through. I would suggest counseling. Someone on the outside who is objective. They can help you get clear about what is going on. Having a child can be a strain on the relationship. There may not be enough Mom/Dad time to keep the relaltionship going with a spark. If you want names of excellent therapists let me know
C.

I have been here. Exactly where you were but everything was in my name and I ended up with all the debt. But life keeps going and so do you.

Send me a message if you want to talk more.

If you don't want to be together anymore, I'd suggust going to see a lawyer. I'd ask about common law marriage. Maybe then you would be able to keep at least half of the stuff.

Hi J.,
If I understand you correctly, your main concern is a financial one, should you and your fiancee split up. I would recommend consulting with a lawyer in your state. As far as child support, as long as your fiance has acknowledged paternity on your baby's birth certificate, I believe you are entitled to support even if you are not married. Would you be able to support yourself from just your own work and maybe child support? If yes, then the hell with nice appliances and furniture. You will get those things for yourself - slowly, and over time, but then YOU will have built your own life.

J.,
I read your post a few days ago and really wanted to take some time to “listen” both to what you said and what you didn’t say before responding or offering any advice. You said that you and your fiancé have been engaged for almost three years. I find it curious that the two of you have been planning a wedding for nearly three years but you’re not married yet. This makes me wonder if you intentionally had a longer engagement because you realized that one or both of you weren’t ready for marriage three years ago or that one or both of you realized that something needed to change in order to sustain the relationship. It sounds as if whatever the root issues in the relationship, they have gone largely unaddressed during your time together. However, neither of you can continue to go through the motions of working, buying and building your home, buying cars, and other material items, but never deal with the core issues that will make or break the relationship.

You mentioned a couple of times in your post that you’re not married. I sense that marriage is very important to you and may be more important to you than it is to your fiancé. Maybe you feel that you’ve compromised too much to make this relationship work and you are having second thoughts? You mentioned that you feel trapped. It doesn't sound like this has as much to do with finances as it does with your fiancé not providing the emotional security you need to thrive in the relationship; and perhaps you are feeling controlled by your circumstances. People can only have as much power over you as you allow them to have.

My encouragement to you is that it’s never too late to start over... with or without your fiancé. No one can answer this question but you: Are you (both of you) willing to make it work? Do you have something worth fighting for? I recently attended a conference for my job and had the opportunity to hear a phenomenal keynote speaker. In her address, she encouraged us to “play full out.” What this phrase means to me is finding that place within myself that allows me to give 159% (more than I knew I had) to whatever I do and to do it better than anyone else can. In order to do this, I have to acknowledge my fears, boundaries, challenges, and talents. I share this to say rather than focus on external factors that may or may not be beyond your control, focus on your inner woman and ask yourself those tough questions that will allow you to “play full out” for yourself, your baby, your relationship, and whatever else may come your way. What are you afraid of? What is holding you back? Know that the only person you can change is you. And meditate on this question: If nothing ever changes about your fiancé, are you able to live with him just as he is for the rest of your life?

Nothing is ever as dark or hopeless as it may seem when you’re going through it; I am confident that you will be just fine and able to share your story with another in a similar situation before you know it. I am sending good thoughts and my prayers with this response that your spirit be lifted.

i feel for you truly. i felt similar once i married my husband. all we did is fight. i would encourage marriage counseling...i know you arent yet but will help. but i will say with a child you would be ok. its a hard road if that is the way it goes but it has its rewards too. honestly though try until there is nothing else you can do so there isnt any resentment later.

J., I must admit, I hesitated to respond. There are a lot of good responses here and I'm not sure what I have to add, but I felt compelled to say something. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself and your baby. 13-months is a precarious age for parents - we all go through bumps in the road. Is it possible this is just a bump? Are you able to talk with your fiancee about what's going on? Resolve issues in an adult way? What are you fighting about? Does he feel the same way as you? How committed does he seem to savint the relationship? Do you even want to save the relationship? Are you in fact planning a wedding?

Communication is key and if you can't communicate now, it can get harder as your son ages - being able to talk about schedules, how to discipline, potty-training, etc. It's a team effort and Bennett needs to see a happy mommy and daddy. My daughter is almost two and my husband and I have had our share of fights - real doozies - but it doesn't mean it's over - and not b/c we're married - it's just a piece of paper, but b/c we're committed to each other and our daughter. You two need to find that common ground. Communication and Committment. Key.

How is your relationship with your in-laws? Rest-assured they aren't going to abandon Bennet if you do end up parting ways with their son - and you can ask them to help get you set up. Also, if you part ways, try to be amicable - if your fiancee is responsible, set up a schedule that allows him to spend time with his son AND gives you some valuable "you time". Too many women punish their exes by threatening less visitation. This is only appropriate if the ex drinks and drives or is utterly moronic. If your fiancee is a reasonable person, he isn't going to let the mother of his son be carless. Make an arrangement to make payments on the car and transfer the title to your name. If you helped pay for the house, your fiancee has to buy you out if he wants you to move. But many men let their children and their moms stay in the house - so the child's schedule isn't upset - same playdates, daycare, etc...

If possible avoid lawyers at all cost they make things worse and are only necessary if things get very angry. If you must split, see a professional mediator - they try to help you get through the issues of splitting up without getting the court system involved.

Feel free to get in touch if you want to talk or have a cup of coffee. Best of luck to you. Think positive if you can.

I feel for you. I have a family member going through something similar.
You need to think about what is best for you and your child. First definitely try the counceling, and give that some time to work. I have only been married 6 years but with a 4 year old and a 2 year old know that life gets very difficult for everyone the first few years when you have kids. You guys are not alone. But it's rewarding and worth it all. Try to set aside some time for just you and your fiance if you can on a regular basis. Try to bring back "date night" and don't talk about the baby when you go out.

But if that doesn't work don't just stay together for the child, that can be more harmful then good. Kids pick up on everything even at such young ages. What's better for them is a happy mom and dad then a fighting mom and dad even if they're not in the same house.

And yes, get the help of an attorney to figure out the assets. They will give you the best advise on that stuff. The material things should be the last thing you think about, but do try to figure out how to support yourself and your child.

Good luck!

get out now before youve been married for ten years and you lay in bed at night and say to yourself"hwere did my life go". So what if you dont have the material things. You seem really worried about the furniture , car etc. Do those things really matter if you are unhappy with him and your relationship? Trust me is only gets harder when then kids get older, what about when times get tougher(death in the family, job loss, sickness etc.). You need to think long and hard about you and that baby having a good life. Who cares about the stuff?

Hi J., I agree with what everyone has said so far. I think my first 3-4 years of being in my relationship were the hardest...just to get used to living with someone is so difficult. Marriage does give a different level of commitment, but it's certainly not permanent. I thought many times, how can I go on like this, but then there were other times I couldn't imagine being without him. Of course he never saw any of it and didn't really care to talk about it. I think you have to give yourself the power. What I kept saying was, I am my own person. I can always get a job to support me and make a life for myself. We didn't have children until we were married for 7 years and I was really nervous that I would be doing everything in the house and with a baby plus working. I think it really helps to take charge of your life and not worry about material possessions. Most importantly you have your baby. He will grow up watching and learning from both his mother and father. If your unhappy it's going to be apparent to him. If you guys are arguing he's going to see it. It also takes a ton of work, probably more on your part to make a relationship work, at least that's what I've found. I'm kind of all over the place here but I guess to sum it up. It's hard work for a relationship (some have it easier than others) but at the same time you have to know when it's too much work. Life is too short to be unhappy. Take control of your life, that is what is going to make you happy and don't second guess your decisions. Think about what is best for your child but not to the point that you are going to be miserable.

Hey J.,
Perhaps you guys can communicate on what it is that you don't get along about. Being with someone and then adding a child to the mix is very difficult and yes, it takes alot of work, but communication withouth yelling and arguing and with a little compromising can really go along way.

Hi J.:

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. Without a solid commitment, it might be difficult to patch things up. Think about asking him to attend counseling. It can help and usually does in most marriages. Even though you don't have the legal title, you have a child together which could be reason enough to work things through.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and still don't get along sometimes. We've been through counseling and have decided to stay together. It helps if you guys can communicate, so sit down and have a long talk with him. Think about why you got together in the first place. Sometimes that helps to resolve issues.

I would say if you do decide to split, you should try to split things up evenly. Try to compromise on some of the furniture and other things...etc. Good luck!

Hi, J.,

My heart goes out to you in this situation.
I read an earlier request by you regarding your child being a terrible sleeper.. could sleep deprivation be causing some irritability between you and your fiance?

At any rate, I remember marrying a man I hardly knew (yes we dated a year, but mostly just weekends). Things for us changed quickly- we found out we were expecting, and decided to marry for our child.
Things were rough for me emotionally.. everything was his. The house, the major contents, the money.
Things did get better.. and we have a remarkable marriage.. but like most said, it took communication and COMMITMENT.
Sometimes, it seems difficult to step back. But can the both of you step back and put this together for the sake of your child? I'm not saying to stick it out if both of you are hostile.. or one of you is, for that matter, but try to "Put family first" (Dr. Phil) and both work for a common goal. In time, you may both find an new respect and love for one another.

What ever you decide, hang in there. You aren't alone. Things will work out~

Best wishes!

J.,

So sorry you are going through such a tuff time.

I suggest that you do the old Pros and Cons list for you will be able to focus on real issues at hand. The things that upset you the most could pop right out at you and often the answers you are looking for will as well.

Pros and Cons list is a simply tool but it can be very useful and besides it will help you take a step back and allow you to breathe.

Now J.... what I'm concerned about is that you seem to feel a bit insecure and unsure with your future so regardless it is time to take some form of action.

I'm sure you know some of the actions you can take for instance you can try counseling as a couple or as individuals.

I am sure you are well aware of all the options that are available to you so I will not entertain you with the obvious.

I just wanted to throw the above remarks your way BUT I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY SEEKING FOR SOMEONE TO LISTEN AND I RESPECT THAT TO THE FULLEST. SO I'M GOING TO TRY TO LIFT YOU UP A BIT....

Please listen!!!

No matter what steps you take to find the balance you need just know that you have not lost your way for you just took a different road, you have not given up control you have chosen to share it with someone else, you will not lose all you both have gained for you are a couple raising a child together.

You are a woman who has grown with and with out her partner, you are a normal woman in a normal relationship that is going through problems, You are no different than the next person. There is no shame for feeling the way you do.

You are not helpless and you are not alone. You will get where you need and want to go. Dont hold back on what will make you a happier woman, mother and person.

I may not know you but I have faith in you... I have faith in the strength us women have and the courage we display on a daily basis.

May you walk with pride, may your heart pump with hope, may every tear you shed be of those that lead you to where you want to go.

Take care and good luck!

Perhaps take a week to each write down everything you liked about each other when you first got together. Anything and everything, from silly (that crazy shirt he wore on the first date)to serious (how he made you laugh). Then write down things you wished were different, but not in an accusing way. Instead of saying "you always come home late", you could say "I wish we could spend more time together". And then exchange sheets and see if there are things you can talk about.
Marriage is not easy. We have been married 21 years now and it changes constantly. At one point we had Wednesday night date night on our own deck with the baby monitor: we would have a drink and snacks and sit outside no matter the weather for an hour or 2. The only way to keep it together is to be able to talk. There are times that I know I am being a jerk, but he lets me. There are times he annoys me, but I take a deep breath and realize it is a phase. We know we will both bring up things if they are really a problem, but someone going through a tough time at work, or the other wishing there was more time to just watch tv together, things like that pass. I find you each have to be willing to give 100% if you ever want to end up in a 50-50 relationship. Finding someone outside of your relationship to talk to might help too. Good luck.

Even though you are not married he will have to give you child support. If you two have tried couples counseling and feel that you just cannot reconcile your differences then I would suggest that you start looking for someplace for you and you baby to stay. Family is a good place to start. You can also look into WIC - that is a program where you can get free diapers, food, etc. As for furniture and stuff you can look on Craigs List under "free" there is all kinds of stuff. Now is the time to ask for help from friends and family for you and your child. I wish you good luck.

First I want to say how very sorry I am that you are feeling so sad, powerless and trapped.
Being in a relationship is hard work and not always easy.
I would first and foremost suggest you and your fiance get into couples therapy. There may be underlying issues you've both brought into this relationship that need work.

You say you work part time as a gymnastics instructor so you have time out of the house. Is it a job that fulfills you? Do you enjoy it? If not, maybe going back to school to advance your education and become what you dream of will be helpful.

You do mention the monetary issues and that everything belongs to your fiance. You do live in a town known for its affluence. If you should spilt it may mean moving to a neighboring town or back home to your own family until you could stand on your own two feet. The material things do not matter. Your health and happiness are the most important.

Good luck

I am so sorry that you are feeling so trapped and powerless. I agree generally with most of what has already been said, but I would emphasize - take charge of your life! You MUST find a way to feel independent - get more education, make sure you can support yourself and your child, even if it is hard to do and even if you get support for your child from his father and his family. You cannot truly make a decent decision about marriage and love if you are dependent. Aim higher and look for work that you can do and love and can make enough money from to support yourself. It can really free you to see your relationships much more clearly, and it will set a good example for your child.

Hi J.,

First, take a deep breath, hold it a few seconds, and let it out. Repeat until you feel a bit calmer.

I can understand what you're going through. It's a tough situation that you'll get through one day at a time. Things look dark now, which is a human reaction to an ongoing difficult and stressful situation. Don't give up or make yourself sick with worry. Nothing is ever as dark as it seems.

I suggest that you buy yourself a notebook dedicated to this time in your life and carry it with you all the time. You can keep all important information here in addition to your usual places; write down your worries and other thoughts and feelings. Keep a gratitude list. Take a few minutes each day to note what is good in your life. This can be as simple as, "The sun is shining or the rain is cooling off the day," "I ate breakfast this morning," "Bennett has the cutest smile," "I read a good article about...," "Someone responded to my question on Mamasource." I suggest that focusing on the positive things your life will help you put everything in perspective.

Instead of worrying, use the Internet or go to your local library. Take some time to find the information sources you need and write them in your notebook. Write everything in your notebook so you don't forget all those tiny details or important items when you're stressed.

It may be helpful to figure out what is happening between you and your fiancee. Find a counselor YOU can talk to and see if you can find out what went wrong, when, and how.

Other sources of help could be 12-step programs such as AA for people who find their drinking is out of control, Al-Anon for friends and families of alcoholics, etc. This information is easy to find at the library.

Take good care of yourself, dearie. Remember your little son and get yourself some help to figure out what to do next.

Have you tried to sit and talk to him about hat is bothering you? If so maybe a specialist could help. It can be hard to talk about it with him alone. But if you split up u need to ask him for the car due to transpitaion for your child. They toys would go with you. Good luck in every thing.

J.,

I feel for you. Please start to take care of yourself. What I mean by that is start putting money away now. No matter how much put it away in an account that is in your own name.
You should really sit and think why you guys are fighting so much. I mean is everything a fight or are you both stubborn as heck! If one of you would change your attitude, usually the other will follow. It takes a while to work, but it does work. If you say something nice to him a few times a day, I bet it will be returned. You must have had that connection at one time. Sometimes you can rekindle it. Sit and talk to him and tell him you want to change things around. Communication is the key, to be open with each other. Without blaming him, accusing him, just talk it out like two adults that have a precious child. I wish you luck!!

D.

Praying for you... I was in a miserable marriage for 17 years. I know it is hard... and scary to think of being out on your own. I hadn't worked in 10 years when my marriage fell apart. I had lost so much of myself in the process. I did everything in my power to make it work. But he just wasn't happy... it had nothing to do with me. The kids and I are now thriving... though there were some very hard days... and lots of grieving along the way.

J.,

Sorry for the stress you are going thru. First if you have been together and made this life for yourselves you would be entitled to child support and posibbly alimony. You are also entitled to things you helped buy with your work money even if your name is not on it.

That said, have you tried counseling? Talking to a third party that has no vested interested in either of you may help the situation.

Also sitting down with your finance and making a list of what is bothering each of you and discussing it -calmly- and being able to listen will help. You can't be defencive which is all to easy to do. If you both want it work, then make it work. If you don't want it to work, get out and make a life for you and your son. Be honest with yourself and make a happy life for your son.

Good luck,
L. M

You are in a pickle aren't you? You didn't say how old you two are and if you have family to talk to. My thought is work on yourself and make yourself strong. Then see what you want after that. Talk to family and friend. Good luck

J.,

All of the responses that you rec;d before this one were good advise but I have some and I have been through what you are going through now. Certainly if you want it to work you both are going to have to want to work on it but my concern is that if you cant make it now marriage will not make it any different. I can tell you from experience that material things are nothing. Your happiness on the other hand is everything. When you are happy you will be a happy mother and a good one at that. You may find that freedom from the life you know today may be just what you need to soar and get on with your life. Material things come and go and they do not bring happiness. They can be replaced. My son is now 12 and the freedom, peace and joy of my son came when I moved from the situation with his father. There were some tough times but you are a woman and a mother. Your survival insticts will kick in. You will feel a great new sense of pride as you take control of your life. Dont ever let anyone make you a slave to control. You can make it and you will be happier and fee from the misery that you find yourself in now.