Death of My Sister

D.,
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I would encourage you to seek out a counselor when you are ready to talk to someone. You should not have to deal with these feelings on your own. It would be so good for you to speak with a professional about all of this.
I can't even imagine what you are going through.
Sending hugs,
B.

There is nothing any one can say to easy your pain. I wish there was a "magic" word... but if there is I don't know it.
All I can tell you is that much of what you are feeling is totally normal. Everyone greeves in their own way, but some things seem to be standard. Guilt, "why didn't I..."
Anger 1st at the "powers that be", then at the person that passed. The only thing I can say is that it does FADE with time. It never goes away, it never truly ends, but it does get easier. With time we can learn to think of the person with joy mixed sadness instead of just sadness.
Right now I would say to just take it one day at a time, don't worry about a year from now or even next week. Just focus on today. If the feelings are so over powering that you can't function, or your family is suffering, then I would say seek out a grief counselor.
(((HUGS of strength)))

D., i am incredibly sorry for your loss. i too lost a sister. she was my big sister and she was 34 years old. she was car jacked while on a date and shot. her date was also shot and he is now paralyzed. losing her was the most horrible thing that could ever happen to me. she was divorced with two children under the age of 11. i was probably 22 at the time with no children. man, i felt like life was this messed up magic trick that really sucked!!!! i didn't want to be close to anyone ever again cuz i never wanted to feel that loss ever again in my life! the pain was just indiscribable! i remember going to the store to buy clothes for the funeral for her to wear and thinking.."how is the world still turning?" or at the checkout thinking "doesn't she know that my world just fell apart. my life just changed from black and white, to all sorts of gray and the world is acting like its a normal day." i was mad at God too. i prayed to just wake up and have her back again. but i will tell you now, that the only thing that got me through it was God. I am sure that you are in an amazing amount of pain, but leave your heart open for God, cuz you are going to need him. Big time! i can't express enough how sorry i am for your loss. how long ago did this happen? (if you don't mind talking about it.) i lost my sister 7 years ago, and for along time cried every single day. holidays were the worst. i would actually pick up the phone and start to call her and then would just crumble. we were very close. and the odd thing is, she also did somethings that made it hard to trust her too near the end. i have no real advice for you, i wish i did. all i can say is, don't give up on God. i will pray for you. i really hope that you can move forward. it may be awhile, heck, i have been trying to move forward for 7 years. but you will be able to be happy again. i know that sounds strange and you may hate me for saying that, but you will be ok. you have to remind yourself that. stay strong. your kids need you. i don't know of any support groups in the area, i have looked. but i found a web site i think its dailystrength.com i have found comfort in that. i really hope you are ok. you could contact me if you want to talk.
my prayers are with you.
T.
____@____.com

Dear D.,

I lost a brother in law when he was 23 years old, 6 years ago due to a heart defect from birth that was fixed when he was a kid, but suddenly caused more problems, due to Dr error. Although I did not grow up with him, my husband and I have been together for 13 years so David and I were like brother and sister.

My husband went through what you are going through, doubting his faith. I leaned on mine. I guess I can say I LAID on mine. Maybe an incorrect assumption on my part but it appears that you are similar to my husband, and are also Catholic. I am Methodist. I am not sure if that has something to do with it or not. I wonder if you have a friend or family member that may be of a different religious sect that you might feel comfortable talking to. My faith is what carried me through what was one of the most challenging times of my life.

Our only child at that time was 3 months old and had just gotten out of ICU in Chicago from RSV, a respritory virus when David passed. Most everyone we called about David's passing thought we meant our son died, not my brother in law. I always wondered if God came to David and asked if David would sacrifice his life to save our child's, because that is the kind of person my brother in law was. That will be my question to God when I meet him someday!

I know that hospitals have grief conseling groups but you may want some individual meetings if there are some issues with trust etc before her passing and dealing with guilt from that. I have the name and number of an EXCELLENT woman, Eileen Cole, in Plainfiel, that is a social worker. I could NEVER say enough positive things about her! She also does group or family sessions if you find some of your kids need someone to talk to also, or she may be able to walk you through what to talk with your kids about!

My heart goes out to you. It is NEVER easy to live here with your loved one on the other side. My faith tells me that your sister is the one that is better off watching over you, sending you her love. I tell my boys that when they have thoes feelings that someone is around them, it is their Gramma (my mother in law who passed away in 1996) and Uncle David loving them from heaven. I also have a portrait of my mother in law hanging in my hall, and a picture collage of my brother in law so both my kids will at least know what their angels look like when they meet them in heaven someday! It took me a long time to get that picture collage put together because it hurt my heart to look at the pictures of him and miss him so bad, but about 2 years after he passed it was my therapy. Keep your faith, for your and your children's sake, and allow it to grow stronger from this experience!

J.