Yesterday, my mother in law passed away. My 2 children, ages 8 and 3 were fairly close to her. My husband and I have been racking our brains trying to figure out if our children should come to the wake. My 3 year old probably wont really get it or remember, but my 8 year old definitely understands. I would like to know what other people have done in this situation.
Ask her... It will be a great time to talk about her feelings (if she wants to) and ask questions about her Grandma, her life and her passing.
Regards,
J.
I agree with the other posters. I was 7, my sisters were 8 and 4, when my great-grandfather passed away. He lived with us for a while, and he was such a trickster! While my sisters and I were very sad, and we didn't fully understand what was going on, we knew that we wouldn't see grandpa again. And that was good closure for us. It also made it easier on my family to know that we wouldn't be asking where grandpa was. They just told us the truth and helped us remember grandpa and remember how we told him good-bye.
L.,
I am sorry for your loss.
We had 2 deaths in our family, and at that time we did take our kid to the funeral (he was 4 years old), but we did not take him to the casket, that is not necessary and good for a child. Last year we took both of our kids to a funeral also, and they did OK. Before that, I and my husband have been talked to the kids about loved ones who leave our world to go to Heaven and be with God. The first funeral we had was for my father; my older kid was very fond of him, they loved each other so much!,so my child was very sad and since then we keep 2 pebbles in a nice box for him that means he and his grandpa are always together.. we chose pebbles because they last....just something I made up for my kid. We always pray together for our gone loved ones. The little one does not understand very well yet, but he knows that people leave to Heaven when God send for them. Children should know that death exists, and is our responsibility as parents to teach our children how real life is according to their phases, ages, and maturity level. My kid who is already 9 understands what happened with his grandpa, and he still pray for him........
Take care,
Alejandra
I would totally take your 8 year old! Maybe don't make him walk up to the casket unless he's ready, but he needs closure. I had a lot of deaths in my family as a child and I really needed to fully understand what was going on. At least allow him to be in the room and stand at the back. My sister never wanted to go up and see the person that had pasted, but she always wanted to go to the funeral home to be in the area. Don't push the topic, but give him the choice. You're right about the 3 year old and seeing them might not even trigger bad dreams because he won't really get it.
There are also story books out there that talk about death that might help with the understanding of it all. Just like the learning to potty and the other learning type books that are put into stories, this is a true life lesson that will really help to fully comprehend!
My thoughts are with your family at this time and I hope that your boys are able to cope with this loss!
I'd say they should definitely attend. My brother-in-law died a little over a year ago and we took all 4 of our kids to the wake and the funeral. My now 4-year-old still talks about Uncle Monte being in heaven and remembers the funeral quite well. She wanted to go up to the casket several times and asked a lot of questions, and she has a full understanding that we will not see him when we visit her aunt and cousins. We also lost my husband's grandmother this summer and again took the kids with us to both the wake and the funeral. I think it's important for children to understand and talk about what's happened and see how everyone else in the family is dealing with the loss. And, just as a funeral acts as closure for adults, it can do the same for children.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is a very hard decision to make. My daughter is 6 and has already attend quite a few wakes and funerals and well as the loss of 2 puppies that we only a few months old. If you are worried about the wake people for what ever reason seem talk about the good old days and that might be very comforting for your child to hear how wonderful she was. I would keep them away for the casket most of the time have them hang in the back of the room or out in the lobby area. I wish you well....
My father in law passed away when our daughter was 4 1/2 and our son was 3. We took both of them to the wake and the funeral. They are 9 1/2 and 8 now and they still talk about their grandpa and how they miss him. Every once in awhile they ask to go to the cemetary to see him. They talk to him while we are there. I think your kids are old enough to take to both. They may not be able to stay for the whole wake though. We had someone take the kids home before the wake was over. Since that funeral we have had other family members pass away and they have been to the wake and funeral for them also. We recently had a friends son who is a year old than our daughter pass away. Our kids were friends with him. We took them to the wake but not the funeral. Our daughter was very upset at the wake but she was able to say her goodbyes to him. We decided then that she wasn't going to the funeral it was just too hard for her. It was hard enough for me. I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your mother in law. Since your kids were close to her I think it's good to let them say goodbye to her.
My condolences on the loss of your mother-in-law. I can actually relate to your 8 year old. I was 7 when when my grandmother (who lived with us) passed away. Back then you went to a wake for 2-3 days, then the funeral. I remember it quite well, and actually hold it as a special time for me to say goodbye. It was a life lesson that I am greatful I had. I believe that if your daughters are not allowed to attend, they may be hurt later when they are older, that they were excluded from an important moment, especially to say goodbye. And if the little ones laugh and play at the wake, I'm sure Grandma would be looking down from Heaven and smiling! (That's what I was told at 7!) God bless your family at this time.
