Dealing with the Death of an Absent Biological Father

I believe that 7 year olds understand death. I have a seven year old daughter who has experianced a few things I imagine most kids dont go through so young. Going through it is the only way to the other side. Let her experiance it. You sound like a great mom and you have a great partner. She will have all the support she needs. In most cases I have found that a ceramony for the person that is gone is key. Taking the time to talk about them and honer their spirit brings about the concious relationship with life. This may be the first and most significant death in her life but the tools you give her now will be the tools she uses many times over in life dealing with loss.

Hi R..

First, the reason I am responding to this is because I am a nurse with 19 years of experience in Pediatric nursing and another 21 years experience in hospice/palliative care. In case you have not heard of hospice, we provide care to the dying and their families. In addition, my first husband and father of my son, died 3 years after we divorced and I had to deal with my then 12 year old son's responses to his death. I guess I just want you to know why I think I can comment on this.

When someone closely related to a child dies, the child has the right (and ultimately the need) to know what happened and if the death is an expected one the respect of being made aware of the approaching death and of having questions answered. In your case, the person who died had a significant relationship to her in a biological sense, but not as much so in the emotional arena. Your partner has taken on the role of "father in residence" and from what I can gather is filling that role adequately. All that means she may have some surprise and sadness at learning of his death, but at least in the short term you may not see any significant changes in her behavior other than perhaps a bit more clinginess to you and your partner. She may need reassurance that while people DO die; it is much more often due to disease and/or old age and that you and her Daddy are young and healthy and (hopefully) doing your best not to be involved in unsafe situations in a car or otherwise.

As far as telling her about the death, there is no rush but don't wait too long. Take your cues from her. Pick a time that seems right...a time when you would logically be talking about him, for instance; or do it when she asks about him next. When you talk to her do it matter-of-factly (I don't mean coldly) and speak to her with words she can understand. She is 7 years old and at that age children have very little real understanding about what death is or that it is permanent. If you feel emotion or the tears come (and they might), that is ok. Give her the information briefly and use words that are clear to her. DON'T SUGAR COAT IT BY AVOIDING THE "D" WORD. Children have very fertile imaginations and can invent fantasies far more scary than any reality about death that we can present them with. I do not mean give her a lot of clinical details if you know them. Just don't be afraid to use the words death and died. Avoid the words that people often use like "passed away" or "went to sleep". Children also take things very literally and may respond to being told that someone who died is "asleep" by developing a reluctance to go to sleep themselves, for instance.

Then, be available to her and supportive of however she reacts, which may be very little right now. Young children are not capable of sustained grieving even when the death is of someone who has been in their lives every day. One minute they may be crying over the loss and 5 minutes later playing as if it never happened. (That, by the way, is sometimes very hard for a grieving mother to understand.) As time goes on, she may have questions. Answer them factually, but simply and only answer what she asks. Children can't handle and don't need explanations in great detail (remember the old joke about "where did I come from, Mommy?). If she wants to know more, she'll ask more.

What you should be prepared for is that as she grows up, she may revisit the loss, especially at certain times when having him around and in her life would have been important to her...a father-daughter banquet or her marriage. However, having your partner there in the role of Dad may help fill that empty space for her, assuming their relationship is a good solid one. Plus, I really do like Angela's suggestion about collecting any information or momentos you may have to give to your daughter when she is older.

You should also be prepared for the very real possibility that you may find yourself grieving, even though the two of you had gone your separate ways some years before. There was enough of a connection to create a child together. It is ok for you to grieve, but be aware that you may not get much sympathy or support from those around you, including your partner. The world at large sees you as having severed the relationship and so assumes that you have no reason to care what happens or happened to your former spouse/partner.

I hope this helps and my condolences to both you and your daughter. B.

My 8 year old daughter father died July 29, 2007 from a heart attack. She was a daddy's girl. I couldn't tell her. My mother is in her 80's and she's the backbone of my siblings and I. She came from out of state the next day to tell her. My mother started with a story and carefully ending with the death of her father. Having that one person who not only you admire and love, but your daughter also will be able to comfort you and your daughter in this time of need. Presently, my daughter is in therapy and doing good in school. The holidays was difficult. In closing, KISSES, HUGS, PLAYING, LAUGHTER, QUALITY TIME, GAMES, MORE KISSES AND HUGS AND MOST OF ALL, TELLING HER YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH will help her heal effectively. No scars.

As an adult who lost her "absent" father to a car accident as a small child....let me tell you what not to do. Do not avoid talking about it, do not distance yourself or your child from the father's family, do not think, just because he wasn't around it doesn't matter. We, as children and adults, will always wonder why he was absent and if he had lived how it would be different. I appreciate that your partner plays the "daddy role". That is awesome. But deep down inside, we (she) will be dealing with "what if" questions all our lives. Questions that can never be answered. Be positive, do not hide pictures, do not feel he is a threat to the new "daddy's role". He isn't. But the "unknown" is a threat. As your child gets older, politely and respectively tell her why he was absent. Do not plant "poor" ideas in her head thay you might feel towards him. You cannot erase them once you plant them. My mom always said that the memory of my father was the hardest thing to deal with for my step father. I believe that if she hadn't dealt with him as a past memory, but as a person, I would not have questioned or been as conflicted. Personally, I believe if you tell your child...."He loved you very much and it was a very hard decision for him not to be around to watch you grow up. Unfortunately life deals us hard cards to deal with and he was taken too soon." Keep pictures in a box to look at, not necessarily put in frames, but to refer to. When she has children, she will need info on him. I did not find my father's pictures until I was 28. I was floored on how many pictures my mom had hidden. I look alot like my father. My son looks alot like him. That was important to me. Sorry to ramble, but....I am in my 40's and I wish I knew more and was a bigger part of his family. Think about it. It will be in your daughter's thought whether she mentions it or not. Good Luck !

What a terrible situation, sorry for your loss and hers. I am a psychotherapist and in these situations it is typically encouraged to find a focused time and place and share the news with her openly. You do not need to offer all the details immediately. Starting with the basics that speak on her level and then being willing to answer any questions she might have in an honest way. There are five stages of grief* and and no way of really predicting which one she will experience first. There are some really good books* written for kids on this matter that could help her as well. Best Wishes, A.
*you can do a google search on these to get more information

Good Morning,
I was 10 when my dad die and it was a very similar situation. From the time I was 18months I think I saw my dad all of 5 times. I also had a new dad that loved me and was raising me as his. My dad’s death was hard for me but it was really hard on my mom to see me sad.
Much luck and grace!

First of all I would like to say sorry for your loss. Even though you have not being together for a long time, at one point in your life, he was someone important to you, and he is the father of your child. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you to tell your daughter, of his recent passing away. So even though she didn't know him too well, and she thinks of your partner as her father, which is also very important and a good thing, I think that it might be important for her to know. The truth always comes out sooner or later. You probably think that she is too young. Certain kids are mature for their ages and can handle the truth and other kids are sometimes to fragile for the truth. I don't know which one your daughter is, but I also think that if she is in a good, strong, healthy, happy enviroment, and she knows that your and her partner will love her and always be there for her, and you talk to her and anwser all of her questions if she has any as honestly and openingly as you can, then it might be a good thing for her. Kids are stronger than you think they are sometimes.
All of the best.

Depending on your relationship with your daughter, because she did not know him there is not a close tie but there is nonethe less a tie. You might say to her, while giving her a snake after school. " Honey, today I heard the your EX-Dad was in a car accedent and has passed away. Leave it there unless she has questions. Whatever she ask answer with honesty. You are more emotional and hurt by his passing than she is. You are thinking of his passing from your space not hers. Just give her love and she will just go about her business.
A..

R.-
I would start with what she already know about her biological heritage. Has she been told that this man exists? Has she ever met him?

Usually by your daughter's age, she is starting to understand that her own identity is composed of many things, including our genetics. So while he has not been an important player in her life, he is at the core of so many things true to her (looks, appearance, etc).

I agree with others who encourage you to tell her. If she knew him, I would just say "Do you remember your dad named ___? I just heard some sad news that he died." If she knew nothing about him, well, as hard as it may be, it is best to start having that discussion. This might be a wonderful opportunity to help her connect to a part of her identity/family.

She may have a wide range of feelings associated with learning this (sad, angry, distant) and you may also have many different/similar feelings triggered. Her feelings may come out at different periods of her life as well and she may experience the loss of "what could have been relationship"

Try to be present with her and just allow her to have her feelings (even if they are uncomfortable for you)

best of luck

I don't know if i am qualified to answer but......
It seems to me that if you only just now found out that he passed and it was almost a year ago you obliviously did not have any type of relationship with him or his family. I wouldn't say anything to her now.
She is only 7, and never really had a relationship with him. If she ask's you then by all means be truthful but why upset her with feelings for someone she did not even know. She may even feel guilty that she doesn't feel sad for the death of someone she knows she should care about.
At some point in her life she will want to know about her family, tell her all about him then. I don't know what your relationship is with his family but maybe you could contact them and get a few pictures or a memento of his that you could save for your daughter. Eventually she will have questions. If you already have some pic's etc put away you can bring them out and tell her all about him. He may not have had a relationship with your daughter but she doesn't need to know all the little ugly details especially now that he has passed.
The best gift you can give your daughter is the knowledge that her dad loved her. (weather he showed it or not)......
I wish you all the best....let us know how it worked out!

Hi,
I have a few questions/thoughts about this. She's 7 years old...so she is still quite young. You might not want to tell her at this delicate stage of life. Also, does she know about her biological father? My daughter has an absentee biological father and considers her two godfathers to be her dads. She's 3 years old, will tell you that she has 3 dads and calls her biological father by his name, instead of a "daddy" type title. So my daughter has the concept that the absentee father exists but she hasn't really been able to articulate any questions like "where does he live or why isn't he here?"
You've done the best thing that you can for your daughter and that is to love and nurture her. Your partner has also blessed her with the presence of a positive male figure to look up to.
It's very unfortunate that he passed away. The best thing that you can do is gather as much information as you can about him and his past so that you can show her when she gets old enough. I have everything from articles from when her dad was on the basketball team to photos. If you can locate any family members and stay in contact for the sake of your daughter, that might also be good. Just anything that can give her a glimpse of who he was before he left the earth.
I hope this was somewhat helpful. Above all, love your daughter. We cannot control whether or not the father is there or what they do with their lives and life's choices. The best thing that we can do is love our children and show them the right way.

I would tell her... I know this is different but my mother was killed when I was 4 1/2- and my sister was 1 1/2. We always knew... Even at that age we understood- believe it or not. I can tell my older aunts things today that I remember from back then and the can't understand how I remember that. The thing that I still am upset about- and I am 36 now, is that I was not allowed to go to the funeral by my mom's family members, because I was "too young." I feel that they made the wrong decision (sp) still to this day. I'm not mad at anyone, as we are all close but that is a personal feeling that I have. I did not get to say goodbye and never will. Like I said, I know this is somewhat different because he wasn't around, but maybe you could get a photo or something and be honest with her and let her know- also let her know that you just found out, as she may wonder later why you didn't tell her sooner.

Hope this helps.
A.

Hi there, sorry to hear about this because it could be difficult to explain.
I would advise that you tell her the truth, the sooner the better. There is a chance that it won't really effect her at all, as she never really knew him. If she feels like your partner now IS her Daddy, then maybe at a later time you can broach the issue of maybe him adopting her or her calling him Daddy too.
Good luck, this one could be hard, sorry I was'nt much help