Dealing with My Husbands Ex

#1) You are lovely, T., not a fat cow :)

#2) Ex-Wife is very scared, hurt, and terrified of losing more in her life (lost Aaron, is now losing dd...looks like she is losing control of her own life, too. Must be crushing to feel like such a failure and knowing that it must be her own fault. That is a lot of guilt to live with and as a survival instinct she has to find a villain--or in this case, villainess, to pin all of this misfortune on).

#3) 11 year old is old enough to see the writing on the wall and to know who the "good guys" are without anyone telling her. It is hard to let her hear lies and slanderous things from her mom, but you and Aaron need to show support, not rivalry. When mom says something evil, you both need to agree to respond with a neutral "Your mom must have a lot to worry about right now and her feelings have nothing to do with how wonderful you are" kind of thing.

#4) Get the whole family into some very low key counseling. Just a safe place to chit chat and to have organized discussions...you don't need to be psychoanalyzed, diagnosed or medicated or anything...just all be able to talk as a family with no distractions for one hour a week and let your sd have a third party to air her grievances with. As much as she may love you all, she is growing into a woman now, too, who has private thoughts and feelings she cannot share with everyone. Be sure she has a journal to write in, and leave it alone no matter how curious you are to see inside of her mind.

#5) I recommended this to another mom of a teen girl, but get the book Reviving Ophelia...this is a precious time you have with your 11 year old...this time can really shape her whole future as a woman and if she is to come out of the other side as her authentic self then the work has to be done now. We should get together so she can hang with my 13 year old (you know who) who is an example of how girls can get through a bad relationship with one parent and develop a loving, whole relationship with her step parent.

#6) Stop making yourself sick. you have your new little baby growing inside of you and he deserves to have a loving, stress free womb to thrive in. (I have a great movie that illustrates how the womb environment lays the groundwork for your babies life....What Babies Want) Let this woman and her agenda go from your life. When her presence invades your life,mind or soul, tell yourself how awful it must be to be HER, and count your own blessings (literally) as a meditation to calm yourself down and to connect with your growing son. (Breathe in, i am blessed because i have my health, breathe out. Breathe in, i am blessed b/c i have love for myself. etc...) This woman got to where she is out of self loathing and bad choices, you possess the power to learn from her mistake and make healthier choices for your family.

I wish you light and love, T....get in touch with me or KDB so we can give you some support outside of the cyberworld :)

Honestly, I would deal with this woman as little as possible and as nicely as possible. This will show your step daughter that you can be the bigger person here and that even though this woman has nothing nice to say about you, you can still be polite. Your step daughter will learn to see her mom for what she really is. Just let this woman dig her hole, eventually she'll bury herself in it. I know that this is going to be very hard to do, but this is a great chance to teach your step daughter a great lesson.

T., I'm so sorry that your husband's ex is such a nightmare to deal with. And how sad for your stepdaugher to be in this situation. I know it's hard not to let this woman's nasty behavior get to you, but remember that she's acting this was because she's so unhappy and wants to think that you are too. Don't let her ruin your happiness. You have a husband, a child, a new baby on the way and your stepdaughter is coming to be a part of your family. She has nothing. Maybe some family counselling would help you, DH and stepdaughter to deal with this stressful situation.

Good luck!

Hi T., I can tell from your question that you really do love your step daughter. I'm not sure what advise I can offer you, just don't let it make you sick. You are carrying that beautiful baby inside you. Relax and enjoy it, 9 months goes by too fast. Continue to be a support to your step-daughter, it sounds like your doing a great job!

Dear T.,

What a rough situation for your entire family to be in! I would definitely suggest going to Alanon meetings to learn how to interact with her, and Alateen for the young lady.

Just put her out of your mind you are winning and she is loosing and she now relizes what she had and knows there is noyhing she can do about it except for to make your lives miserable

M. l (mother of 5)

Your job is to help your stepdaughter thru this difficult time not to be negative about her mom. So don't get worked up other this woman. When she says something negative about your stepdaughter or your family just tell your stepdaughter that her mom is upset and sometimes when people get upset they hurt others. She's 11. As long as you keep telling her she's wonderful and how much you love having her around she'll be ok.

I am dealing with an uncooperative ex and the best advise I can give is to not take in to yourself all the poison that comes from her. I get many, many emails calling me names and denegrating my parenting abilities. I know that they are untrue. I know that the constant threats are just evidence of my ex's unhappiness. A friend of mine told me that just because they throw poison at you, you don't have to drink it. I know it is hard because every time I open my emails I have to remind myself that I am a good parent and I do not have to listen to the hateful things and the threats that are thrown at me.

M.

Hi-
If you are in the court system...my guess is that you are.
Write down everytime the child goes & comes from a visit and if she's upset and why. A psycologist might need to speak with her if one hasn't already.
My brother fought for coustody for 2-3 yrs when his daughter was an infant. Very simular situation with the behavior etc.

By her belittling you infront of the kids is a major pscho issue for her,(insecurity, unstable) ontop of drinking or other bad habits.
Propose to the court for imediate custody based on the fact of the ill nature/ behavior that could potentially harm the child or any other children she has.
If you can record her saying things (on the phone or if they are outside p[laying etc. (don't put a bug on the child though)you can use this as evidence against her. get a private investigator to do a brief "tracking".
Get references of professional associates. They might not allow letters from relatives or close friends.

If you and your husband are stable emotionally and finacially have a healthy relationship there should be no question about custody.
Even if you do get custody she will try to pull stuff....
Write it down keep court dates and if she requests visits,
set a strick schedule of days, weekend, holiday schedule.

I would definately try to get immediate custody, She is old enough to understand what name calling is but she might not understand the psychology behind it. Seek counciling or talk with the shcool guidance dept. they might be able to help.

Keep in mind that she will think "mommy doesn't love me anymore..." Explain it to her that Mommy is sick and can't take care of both but, she'll get better and she might be different (in a good way) and it just takes time.

By any means should you belittle her because she's done it to you. This would be a good time for Dad to be supportive and try bonding more with her.
Just don't push her to talk, she might make things up....
You want her to be honest and open with her feelings & thoughts, and has to know she can come to you for anything even if it might make you mad!!! (did you do that as a child?)
good Luck, J.