Update re:Bonderies W/ Needy Ex & Bratty Step Daughter Originally Posted 10/11 - Los Angeles,CA

Updated on December 08, 2010
K.W. asks from Hughesville, MD
7 answers

Hi Moms,
Wanted to give you ladies an update on what has happened since I posted the original question on October 11. Just a brief overview for those not familiar. My husband of just ovet 2 1/2yr allowed his Ex & my stepdaughter to move into our other home without telling me after they were evicted from their apartment. I ended finding out which caused an arguement as well as led to my stepdaughter & her Mom writing nasty comments on FB about me. For full details please read the original posting.

Ok, well My husband and I ended up talking & sorting alot of things out. We have been working hard on be open, honest & respectful of each others feeling& opinions. Alot of things have improved in our relationship. Our young marriage had been challenged by a the difficulties of a blended family, insurance issues r/t our child with special needs, my MIL being d oi agnosed with early onset alzheimers and addition to regular marital problems. We had hit a rough patch and weren't communicating just talking at each other. We sat down and talk about the house situation specifically. We decided that we would give them no more than 30 days to move out or starting paying rent. Understand they had been living there for free since the last week of July. I just found out 2 months later. It was supposed to be a 2wk thing, enough time to apply to different places & get in. Which is why I believe my husband thought he could keep it from me. My husband had continued to provide monthly support as well as suppling extra money for hair, nails, activiies, bus fare etc. All the while his Ex paid nothing towards our mortgage. Originally when my husban tried to make contact to discuss the house, his Ex avoided him not returning calls never available to sit down &talk. He eventually ran her down, let her know what we decided reguarding staying & or rent. Her 30 days would have been around the 15 of November. Of course they are still there. First it was she need another paycheck because the deposit was high due to the eviction, remember she hasnt had rent for more than 4 months. Next, it must be taking longer because of the holiday (Thanksgiving) Now, 2 wks later, "I just put 2 applications in..." REALLY??? Its turned out just as i predicted. We're in a no-win situation. If we make them leave we're the villians. My husband's Ex knows this and is taking FULL advantage. One good thing has come out of this, my SD & I have a better relationship. We had a long talk & I allowed her to express all her feelings, issues & preceived transgressions inflicted upon her. I let her know that I love her & im not the enemy but im also not a mind reader. If shes mad, frustrated etc she has to tell me not FB. I've noticed her trying when it comes to interacting with my kids, she had been almost ignoring them the past year & a half. I dont know whats going to happen with "us" but I do know im not taking this headache & growing debt into the new year. We've done more than we can afford. This has depleted our savings, shes not even paying the utilities in a timely manner. They are in my husband's name since our renter left early July. At first my thoughts were "I told you so" because everything that I said woul dc happen has. Then my thoughts were, You got yourself into this you get yourself out". But then I realize that would be to her atvantage. Shes counting on my husband's feelings for his daughter to keep her in her "free for all" situation. Not happening! This wknd we all will be having a sitdown. Im letting her know shes done. We can not afforfd to support her & her other child. I dont want a confrontation but enough is enough & she is way too much.

What can I do next?

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K.P.

answers from New York on

I would strongly suggest that you put your finances into gaining custody of your step daughter b/c the mother is not able to provide her with basic needs. She may be bratty, but the ex can't provide for her.

I would contact an attorney and have the ex evicted and petition to have the SD live with you until the mother can find sustainable housing.

This is actually a CPS issue. He shouldn't be paying for "extras" like nails and hair- these are luxuries, not necessities. Furthermore, if she's accessing FB, she has $$ from somewhere.

You can acknowledge your husband's feelings by offering to have his daughter live with you (at least short term), but you have no obligation toward the ex-wife.

2 moms found this helpful
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W.E.

answers from Sacramento on

I would offer the SD to come live with you until her mom gets it together, then shut off the utilities to the house. you're in LA, so she wont freeze to death.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

I agree with Krista--talk to an attorney to make sure that have all the i's dotted and t's crossed in order to legally evict the Ex, and do this before the meeting.

Do let CPS know of the situation, and perhaps even the family lawyer/court re: custody of the stepdaughter. The step daughter should not be in a situation like this, where her mom cannot provide her a place to live (without freeloading); if the Ex cant provide a place for the SD to live, then the SD should live with you.

And definitely cut off all other $ going to the Ex that is not court mandated. Hair, nails, etc.??? No. If she needs more monetary assistance, she needs to get a job and/or contact family services for assistance for her _necessities_ not her luxuries.

Stay united with your husband--it sounds like he does want this resolved. Focus on the SD: let him know that you want to see her taken care, absolutely, 100% and you are right there with him on that. And that means that she should come live with you guys until the Ex is on her own two feet again with a decent place to live and the ability to support her all of her kids.

I know its probably incredibly frustrating when you could see this coming a mile away, but absolutely avoid the "I told you so" and the "it's your problem, you fix it." Focus on your husband's willing to fix this, and remember that once you let yourselves get divided a couple, it's really easy for that division to turn into a canyon too wide to cross back over...

I am so sorry your family is going through this, on top of all the other really difficult things you're dealing with....

1 mom found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Well....just to put a little perspective...your hubby doesn't have a gun to his head. This is really HIS matter because he agreed to it in the first place. He needs to get you ALL out of this situation, even if it means taking his daughter FT if he boots them out. You're really just along for this wild ride, Toad!
And it sounds to me like there is something else going on with the mother--can't get/hold/keep a job--with a child to support? Really?
Happily it seems some good has come from it with regard to you & your SD.

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D.H.

answers from Louisville on

It seems like there is no legal contract on her living there - so has she gained rights in CA by just living there? Maybe SD would come live there if it was an option - and the utilites shut off at the house as was suggested as well as changing the locks!

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S.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

I can only imagine how hard this is on your stepdaughter. It's not easy on the adults but as a young girl it can't be easy living with possible eviction from her own dad. Whatever you end up doing, I think that your husband did the right thing by putting his daughter first. What kind of a father could knowingly let his daughter live on the streets? Not your husband and I think that's admirable. The fact that his ex takes advantage of the situation is terrible but her and her craziness are part of the deal you entered into when you married a divorced man with a child. When your stepdaughter is older she can turn out like her mom or her dad. Let's hope she'll remember this moment as a time her dad went above and beyond for her well being. Let's hope she remembers that he was motivated out of love and let's hope she turns out like him. So be careful how you guys proceed as your husband's relationship with his daughter will be forever and you don't want him to resent you if she ends up resenting him.

S.G.

answers from Oklahoma City on

uh, let's hire an attorney, and OBVIOUSLY prove that she is not stable, and get custody of the child and kick her happy rear out on the curb. i can understand not wanting to kick baby on the curb WITH mom but seriously, paying child support AND mtg....maybe you can have that taken to court and all living expenses you guys paid to her deducted from cs and go a few months without paying her a DIME.

REALLY? isn't the point in a divorce is because 2 married GROWN ADULTS cannot co habit ne more??

it'd totally flip on my husband if he EVER brought that idea up to me...let the kids stay here YES but not the EX!! and yes if either my or dh's ex couldn't provide for the kids and co habited with someone OTHER THAN grandparents, YOU BET i'd be after custody!!!

stand your ground girl, now that she's passed the 30 day mark, you HAVE to give her legal written evection before you can make her leave (in oklahoma law)

now i have a question for you.........how long REALLY are you willing to put up with this?

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