Dealing with Grandparents and Differences in Discipline

All things being said, this is YOUR child. You need to do what is best for her. I find it easier to get the message across to my in-laws since I am only the "daughter" by marriage. It's much harder when it's your own parents. My mom tends to cross the line from time to time (more than I like) - I usually respond by saying "Mom, look how well you raised me. You've given me everything I need to be a good mom." Or, if I'm too tired and frustrated, I usually come out with a snippy comment like "Mom, it's amazing that they let me even come home from the hospital and take care of this baby without you!!" It's sarcastic, but not too bad as to hurt her feelings. It usually gets her to step back a bit. Try to find a way to gently remind your mom that she had her turn raising you and now it's your turn to raise your child - with your rules. The catch is 'Mom's house, Mom's rules', so if your daughter is at your Mom's house, other rules may apply. That might be the time to introduce "we can only do that at Grandma's house." It's a way to remind her of what the rules are while making her feel special that Grandma lets her get off easy. It's really hard, but try to grin and bear it with the small stuff - you never know how long you daughter will have grandparents for.

Grandparents feel that they way they raise their children is the correct way because you came out okay. lol
You can not change them so don't try too. If your daughter spends a lot if time around them then it is an issue. If she doesn't then don't worry about it. Kids follow the disapline that they are around the most.
If they toy thing comes up again then just do what you always do. If your mother tells your daughter to pick up her toys or they are going in the garbage then just do as you always do and help her pick it up. So that none of them go in the garbage. If your mother gives you lip about it just say this is what we always do and I don't want to confuse her. I found that my mother never argues with me when I say that.
If you hug and kiss your mother goodbye turn to your daughter and tell her to give grandma a kiss goodbye (because that is whats important to you!!). If your mother says its ok that she doesn't...again tell her that this is important to you and you want her to show respect. Who could disagree with that. lol
Remember this is your child...not theirs. Say whatever is needed to get your child what you think they needed.
Hope this was helpful

L.,

This is YOUR daughter. YOU make the decisions about how to raise her, and it is expected that those around you abide by those decisions. They may disagree, they may talk to you about why they disagree. They may not ignore your rules, or undermine your authority in front of your daughter. That is not acceptable.

As for eating issues, take your Mom to your daughter's next ped appointment, and let the Dr. tell her.

Picking up toys is a great lesson in responsibility and taking good care of one's belongings. However, at 3 1/2, she may not be ready to undertake such a large task alone. Going about it the "you put the blocks in the container, I'll pick up the books" method is completely appropriate. Its interactive, gets her helping, and you can make it fun by having a race or some other game. Most children at this age cannot follow through with a command to "clean up your toys" in a messy playroom. It's overwhelming, and they don't often have the organizational skills to look at the mess, decide which specific tasks need to be accomplished, prioritize those tasks into a logical order, and then carry through a plan to accomplish the command. That's a lot to ask of a child this age. For you to help, or to coach her through by telling her which things to pick up next is completely appropriate. But it is good for her to be an active participant in the process.

I am with you on not fighting food and toilet training. Those are two things you can FORCE a child to do. Nor should you. Manners are a big deal. How your daughter interacts with family members teaches her how to interact with the rest of the world. While Grandma may tolerate things others would consider rude, everyone else won't. It will shape how people relate to her, and that will have an effect on her self-esteem going forward. It's a big deal. Having her say hello when she meets people is important, because it forms their first impression of her and that affects how they treat her. Having her say goodbye and thank you when she leaves someone's home shows that she is polite and appreciative, and they will want her to come back again. Being liked will bolster her self-confidence, and kids need that. Is your Mom maybe uncomfortable with "Goodbye"? A lot of people, and a lot of kids, don't like that word because it sounds very final. Would your Mom be better with "see you soon" or something silly, like "later, alligator"? The two of them could have a special departure thing that's just for them, which wouldn't undermine your feeling that she needs to say "Something" in parting.

Ultimately, L., it is up to you. We raise our children, and we take responsibility for how those upbringing decisions shape who these kids become. Your Mom has done her job. Hopefully, she is proud of who you are, and confident that she did a good enough job with you when it was her turn, that she can put her faith in your ability to parent her granddaughter. Does she think she did a bad job with you? If so, then doling out parenting advice now would be pretty hypocritical. If she does think she did a good job, then she needs to be confident in you, and let you do it your way.

Best of luck,

J.

L.,

I currently go through that now..I have a 19 month old and expecting another. My mother is my full time babysitter because I can't afford to stay home. I go through that my daughter eats when she tells me I don't push. My mother like yours she has to eat in routine and 3 times a day. I have never been a person with routine because my family life is just so "as it goes". I honestly have tried to talk and it turns into a argument. I honestly gave up trying. I felt that I stressed myself out to much and my daughter sensed that stress and never behaved. I also thought moving away would help but my heart can't bare it because I am very family oriented. I just learned to flow with it. I have attempted talk and trying to put my daughter in daycare but thats a fight too. I honestly don't really know what to say but your not alone. I hope it passes by soon but remember your daughter so let it out the way you feel

hi L., i have similar issues with both sets of grandparents, yet they are all so wonderful and loving and helpful that i wouldnt dream of offending them. everyone has a different way of parenting, including our parents. you got a lot of good advice here, im not going to repeat it. just briefly, what i have found works best is to really choose your battles. you are the mom and your word is the final word, but be careful how many rules you have. how many of them are truly necessary at alllll times? pick the couple of things that you feel are the most important, (for me its being careful of possible food allergies and not allowing my son to hurt others), and absolutely insist on those. other than that, if you cant make your mom see it your way, then just give it up if you feel it isnt really harming your daughter.
**remember not to use your child as a staging ground for your own issues with your parents and/or battles for power/control, or to make up for the past. sounds terrible, i know, but we all do it to some degree without meaning to.
also, remember that it is an important lesson for your child to learn that very often (not always, some things ARE carved in stone), but often, different rules DO apply in different places. she will deal with this concept her whole life, starting now. ...she can scream outside but not in the library, she can be naked at home but not outside, she can jump on your bed but not the bed in the store, she must obey certain adults but not others, these are important lessons....its not as confusing to her as you may think. it is actually a very natural thing, go with it and explain to her that you can do it this way here but not there, etc.
if you want her to have a good relationship with your mom, which is a very precious thing, then everyone has to give a little.
plus, if your mom is watching her, it is important that your daughter recognize her as being in charge when she is with her, if for no other reason than safety, though i put respect right up there too, personally. dont air your differences in front of her, and dont ever tell her she doesnt have to listen to her, or imply it, or make a face. your daughter sees it and she knows, and will start to disobey and to play you against each other.
its a really touchy thing, i wish you the best of luck.